Big Hairy Beard

[Alpacasarefluffy]

My DH of five years (been together 14 years) has grown a great big long bushy beard and I absolutely hate it.
I hate the way it looks, I hate the way it feels and I hate how it gets food in it.

Dont get me wrong he takes care of the thing (it’s a very groomed beard) but I hate the thing. It makes his face look very hard and it feels disgusting when he kisses me. It also gets wet if we are waking out in the cold. He now gets really upset because I avoid kissing and being intimate which I feel bad about but I just had it.

Pre-DC I honestly would’ve considered divorce over it (sounds pathetic but I can’t imagine not being intimate forever).

However I truly do believe he should do what he wishes with his body. I’ve merely told him I’m not the biggest fan of it and he looks better without it. He however is truly attached to it (it’s the work of two years worth of growing and styling) and is saying he’ll never get rid of it.

How do I accept the damn thing? It’s just right there on his face? I know I’m awful but it’s just so hairy and covers up his face (which is a nice face!) but he looks quite hard and bit scary with it.

Is this the first beard since being together that he's grown one? The shock of a big change can be a lot

When I met my dp he was close shaven on special occasions with a wee bit of stubble in between. Then he had been watching this off grid programme in 2020 and everybody there had bigggggg bushy beards. Queue the 'I'm going to grow a beard down to my dick' comments. I brushed them off and he actually did grow a massive beard (not to his dick) It got out of hand at times but he suited it, looked so manly and kept it somewhat groomed at the barbers.
Then one day he shaved it all off without warning me and I couldn't get over the shock. He'd kiss me and I would pull away. It felt like somebody else and I didn't like it!
We're about 6 months on from the shave and he's kept it short. He had to get through a cold faced winter the poor fella but is very handsome again to me and I'm used to it

You might just have to give it some time. I had to realise his face isn't for me to control

I think springing a beard on someone is a bit rough, especially if he knows you're not that keen. I'm surprised you've not cracked in 2 years though.

Whatever someone wants to do with their face or their body is obviously their business and prerogative but what you choose to look at daily is also your business and prerogative.

Radical but- have you thought about making friends with the beard? You’re trying to ignore it because you know it’s awful but… like an annoying child, it may get better on closer acquaintance. Try deliberately stroking it, brushing it or oiling it. See whether it becomes less of a turn off when you actually engage with it.

I can’t promise, but you never know! I loathed my freckles for years but am quite fond of them now.

There's that old trope about leg/armpit hair left natural is "dirty". Well long beards truly are dirty. All the old dried in food 😕Can say I've never had food/crud in my leg hair

OP’s husband has had it for 2 years. Is that long enough to be ‘used’ to it?

I would be totally unable to accept it if DH grew a beard. Sure, it's his face and his choice, but it's also my choice whether I put my face close to it and I absolutely would not. DH knows I find beards repulsive.

Some of these comments 🙈 if a woman gained weight during a marriage would it be OK for the husband to tell her that her body repulsed him? You would all be up in arms about it!

Dh would do anything for me but won't get rid of the bread.
He likes it I don't
But his body his choice.

It's a physical experience every time a beard is put next to your face - or anywhere else. It feels prickly and uncomfortable to many, me included.

DH grew one and I hated it. I didnt actually tell him that but he knew I wasn't a fan. It definitely didn't make me fancy him more. If you're in an intimate relationship then these things matter.
He shaved it off after a couple of years, thankfully.

Weight gain can be the result of pregnancy , health issues, and is rarely a deliberate choice. It’s really hard to counteract it.

The beard is a completely free choice.

This is tricky actually, I'm not keen on beards either but you can't dictate!

I can just imagine the reaction if a man made these sort of comments because his wife decided she didn't want to shave. LTB would probably be the first reply.

do you mean body hair rather than facial? I think a LOT of men are quite clear they expect their female partners to remove most of their body hair, and its expected from adolescence. This is actually quite funny really when you think of the expectations of womens appearances from practically fucking everyone. Even the bits noone else sees. The makeup, the short skirts, the high heels. the waxing. The hairstyling, the dieting. The male gaze is so bloody sacred isnt it. God forbid a woman doesnt want her man to grow a massive fucking beard though.

No, i think a lot people in real life would be sympathetic to a poor little man that had an openly hairy wife when he told her he didnt like it.

This is the problem, it’s his body his choice. But it’s been two years and all it does is give me the ick and I do just see it as face pubes.

I think I’ll try have a chat about cutting it back again and make it more clear I despise it (in a nice way?!).

Then I don’t know what because I can’t divorce him because of a beard (not fair on DC plus I do love him, I just really don’t fancy him at all). I just miss the more intimate aspect of our relationship but I just can’t get on with the beard no matter how silly it sounds…..bloody beard!!

My DH has a big beard and I would be devastated if he shaved! Even if I wasn't a massive fan he never tells me to shave my legs or pubic hair which I really wouldn't want to do so his face his choice.
I would let him know unambiguously that I wasn't keen though.

If you've told him and he won't shave it off then he doesn't care.

Didn’t take long for the whataboutery 🙄

I have put on a lot of wait and I know my DH finds me less attractive at this size - I am 4 stone heavier than when we got married. I can’t blame having DC as most of the weight piled on when they were teens. It’s a lack of exercise and a terrible drinking problem.

I don’t like how I look either but I don’t have a problem with him preferring me not significantly overweight - that’s his preference. Same as I have mine - DH is prone to getting too slim for my preference- I find him more attractive at a healthy weight/a few pound overweight than when he is super slim. Doesn’t stop us loving each other.

a big long beard would clamp my fanny shut so it’s a no from me.

@Alpacasarefluffy

He now gets really upset because I avoid kissing and being intimate which I feel bad about but I just had it.

He can get upset at your reaction to his beard but the solution is up to him. It's absolutely his body to do pretty much what he wants to, but it's your right to not go near him with your body also. Sounds like he's made the decision to never get rid of it so he needs to deal with the consequences. 🌹

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Being in a marriage or relationship requires compromise. You don't like the beard and have said so for two years. But he likes it clearly so it's stayed. You have had to compromise. But now it's getting to the ick stage by the sounds of it, and it's seems he won't now compromise.

Think about if there is anything you have stopped doing, buying or even wearing because he didn't like it much. Could be as simple as onion crisps as it causes onion breath. (just using this as an example as it has been a thing here). Maybe a reminder of this might help matters.

If all else fails just stop kissing him completely. If he asks why remind him, you don't mind a shorter beard, or whatever the case, but this long out of control one is a turn off for you and you don't see him in the same way sexually. Chances are he trims that sucker down, chop chop....

You have skirted around it in a nice way for ages now though from what you have said. Maybe just bring direct is what is needed now.

'I don't like the beard. I have tried to give it time because I know you like it. But I cannot bring myself to kiss you, it's not a nice feeling for me. Could you consider trimming it to a shorter length'.

That quote from Hot Fuzz is all I can think about 😂

OP, I could write your exact post. I hate his beard with an absolute passion. It gives me the major ick and all I see is 'pubes' on his face. I wont be intimate and it is literally stomach churning when he wants to kiss me. Its been rubbish for our intimacy. But for some random mid life crisis reason, he bloody loves it.

I am surprised that there are men who value their facial hair over intimacy, but then again, some people can be extremely stubborn.

I don't think it's accurate to compare having a beard to being overweight. Weight is often difficult to shift and takes significant time, effort, and lifestyle changes, whereas someone insisting on keeping a beard is usually doing it because they like the way it looks and not because it's difficult to keep it more closely trimmed.

A more accurate comparison would be a man telling his wife that he prefers women with longer hair, while she refuses to grow it past pixie length. Ultimately, 'his hair, his choice', whether it's on the head or the face, but I'd definitely let him know that the reason you're pulling away from kisses is that you find big beards off-putting. He must already know that, but making it perfectly clear gives him no room for pretending that he doesn't. Perhaps offer a carrot in addition to the stick. You'd like to rekindle the romance in your relationship, you found him so attractive before, etc., but can't get past the big beard.

You do realise that beards get washed don't you?