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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH underwing my decision about a video game

74 replies

ohdeerohdear · 03/03/2024 09:27

To feel cross that after a discussion with my children, it was decided that they were not allowed to get a video game that was rated a 12 as they are 8 and 9, but DH has gone ahead and let them get it this morning?
I've tried to explain that we need to teach our children to use the ratings as a guide to help them make decisions in the future and the ratings should be respected. By allowing them to get the game anyway, I feel like the message we are sending them is that the rating system doesn't matter and can be ignored.
DH refused to engage with this line of thought, saying that it's fine and the game isn't that bad. It involves your character running around trying to kill the other players.
Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Original poster
ohdeerohdear · 03/03/2024 09:27

*I meant UNDERMINING me in the title btw!

OP posts:
Calderadust · 03/03/2024 09:29

Yes you are overreacting. If the game was a 15 or 18, you'd have a point.

JacquesHarlow · 03/03/2024 09:30

Not overreacting at all. DHs who do this are so frustrating because you tried to engage him in agreeing on a parenting approach, and then he goes and does the opposite, presumably for the easy thrill of the hugs and excitement from his kids .

i also agree re the ratings. YANBU.

Hoglet70 · 03/03/2024 09:30

The ratings on games are ridiculous. DH is a big gamer so I always trusted his judgement on this one.

sunshineandshowers40 · 03/03/2024 09:30

What game is it?

Mrsjayy · 03/03/2024 09:31

you are saying the children need to use the ratings as a guide to make decisions then want to stick to ratings, I don't think you can have it both ways, your husband has decided the 12 game is fine, so there is too many contradictions.

JacquesHarlow · 03/03/2024 09:31

Calderadust · 03/03/2024 09:29

Yes you are overreacting. If the game was a 15 or 18, you'd have a point.

Seriously? Are you sure you’re not just trying to have a dig at the OP?

how many games rated 12 have you played, @Calderadust , and does that qualify you to junk the 12 banding on the ratings system?

But in any case is this post actually about ratings?

or surely it’s actually about one parent undermining and dismissing the views of another instead of making joint parenting decisions?

pinkyredrose · 03/03/2024 09:32

YABU.

APurpleSquirrel · 03/03/2024 09:32

So did you & your DH discuss this in advance & make the decision together not to get it, & he then changed his mind/went against the decision - or did you decide they shouldn't have it as it's a 12 & your DH didn't agree?

Original poster
ohdeerohdear · 03/03/2024 09:32

Fox Haven

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 03/03/2024 09:33

If you discussed with him first and he agreed and then went back on that agreement YANBU.

If you unilaterally made the decision and he has unilaterally made a different decision then YABU. You both did the same thing i.e. made the decision you felt was right without consulting the other.

Original poster
ohdeerohdear · 03/03/2024 09:33

Mrsjayy · 03/03/2024 09:31

you are saying the children need to use the ratings as a guide to make decisions then want to stick to ratings, I don't think you can have it both ways, your husband has decided the 12 game is fine, so there is too many contradictions.

Yea, as in if there's a game they want, they need to look at the rating and if it's a 12 or older then they can't expect to get it.

OP posts:
JaniceBattersby · 03/03/2024 09:34

When you say ‘it was decided’..how was this decision made? Because if you both sat down and decided then he undermined that decision, that’s one thing but if you just mandated it, that’s another.

I’m quite a strict parent but I think the ratings on most games are nonsense.

If it’s Fortnite, all my kids play it with no incident and honestly I think it’s a great game.

owlsinthedaylight · 03/03/2024 09:34

Regardless of the rating on the game, you had come to an agreement about it and he undermined you. That was really poor behaviour on his part.

it sounds like he is focusing on the game, and why “it’s fine”. What does he have to say about breaking your agreement?

EDIT - just reread OP. So you made one unilateral decision and he made another. Solution is you both need to discuss it together to agree before telling kids the decision.

araiwa · 03/03/2024 09:35

Was DH involved in the initial discussion and agreement?

Soontobe60 · 03/03/2024 09:35

YANBU. I agree with you on sticking to the age guides on games / films, and also your DH is a massive arse if he’s then allowed your DC to have something that you’d both agreed they wouldn’t have.

Mrsjayy · 03/03/2024 09:38

ohdeerohdear · 03/03/2024 09:33

Yea, as in if there's a game they want, they need to look at the rating and if it's a 12 or older then they can't expect to get it.

Show quote history

Well that isn't deciding is it because they will want it that's them saying mum won't let us. if you don't want them playing games you need to ban 12 and above until they are 12 and well above. My dh was agamer our dc are adults and I always left it up to him to censor games I always trusted his judgement.

Marblessolveeverything · 03/03/2024 09:41

12 rated games are fine, it can relate to complexity s well as content.

I've a ten year old most decent games are 12, I don't allow 15 or 18 but do allow them for my 16 year old except certain ones like GTA etc he agrees.

I use the same approach to films, generally any decent action film is 12s.

UniversalTruth · 03/03/2024 09:42

YANBU that you and DH need to agree a way of agreeing this in future

YABU to say that the ratings are the only way of deciding if a game is appropriate.

If you ignored DHs reasoning on this or previously, then I can see why he went over your head, although it's not great that he did it.

You are allowed to not want your DC to play games where the goal is to kill people, but it sounds like DH disagrees, so you might need to meet in the middle here. Parenting decisions have to be shared, because you're a team, so not all decisions will go your way.

Can you play the game in question with DH before you let the DC play it in future?

Saymyname28 · 03/03/2024 09:42

So you decided, unilaterally, and dictated something. He was supposed to just accept your decision but he disagreed and bought the game.

Communication issue. Neither of you gets to dictate, parenting decisions are joint. If you don't give him an opinion in discussions he'll just disregard your dictatorship and go behind your back. So will your kids.

Families aren't run by dictators anymore.

kimberlie · 03/03/2024 09:45

Imo Issue is more about parents not giving the kids a United front.

shoppingshamed · 03/03/2024 09:46

Marblessolveeverything · 03/03/2024 09:41

12 rated games are fine, it can relate to complexity s well as content.

I've a ten year old most decent games are 12, I don't allow 15 or 18 but do allow them for my 16 year old except certain ones like GTA etc he agrees.

I use the same approach to films, generally any decent action film is 12s.

The description of a 12 rating doesn't read fine for an 8 year old to me, are you saying that its meaningless for every game. My children are older than that but it s an issue I've spoken about with one of their cousins around that age

SecondUsername4me · 03/03/2024 09:48

Sounds like you made a decision for the family, rather than coming to a mutual agreement.

Compromise might be something along the lines of "let's take each game on merit and if the themes are inappropriate, we can make them wait, regardless of age rating"

For instance, in our house GTA is the line. All other games are up for consideration, regardless of age, depending on content. However everyone agrees that (regardless of age) there is no GTA in out house. I can't stop them playing it at a friends, or buying it when they move out of course.

Createausername1970 · 03/03/2024 09:56

I agree that the content of an individual 12 game might be fine for an 8 year old. We were quite strict on what DS could have, but he did have some older rated games. It just meant that he might have found them harder. Of course, though, this is a decision to take on a game-by-game basis.

The crux of the matter is that you need to be singing from the same song sheet. And if he went against what you had both agreed to do, then he was wrong.

But having said that, parenting isn't black and white, some compromises are always needed.

rwalker · 03/03/2024 10:11

You clearly didn’t come to an agreement he just said yes to shut u up

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