Stepdaughters relentless sleepovers

[Oreoqueen87]

We’ve recently moved into a new house and DSD (16) has a great set up - effectively a downstairs with bedroom to herself with a bathroom and access to a pool.. All other living is upstairs. She lives with us full time.

My AIBU is that we’ve been here a month and she’s probably had friends around 20 of the thirty nights (at least). Not just one friend, but usually 3, and as many as six. They don’t always stay over, but frequently stay until 9/10pm. They aren’t lots of bother in general, but can be noisy and come up to use the kitchen etc. On the weekends I don’t care. But this is weeknights too.

My biggest issue is trying to create a quiet routine for DS (5). He is a poor sleeper, and tends towards some big meltdowns when unsettled or overtired. He’s very hard to settle in his room so I often read him to sleep in the lounge. , He generally fights going to bed/sleep. He has melatonin but we try use it sparingly. Potential for ADHD as I have it.

He loves seeing DSD’s friends and they are really sweet with him. But he also knows they are here, we can hear them and they come upstairs, so it disrupts him. I also just want the house to ourselves more without being responsible for other people’s teens.

To avoid drip feed, house jointly owned, I paid deposit, DH has a house that we will be transferring into both names. This is a formality - we don’t live in the UK and I am legally entitled to half as we’ve been together eight years.

DH thinks I am being unreasonable. I get that he is glad she’s here where he can keep an eye on her most of the time, but I think it’s too much. AIBU?

This is really tricky - you can see why they all want to come to yours!
family meeting? Agree specific days/ times for quiet evenings and she only has friends on Fridays & Saturdays? Presumably she has school worko do?

imihht think about getting her a kettle & microwave & say after x time you need to keep it downstairs as little bro is trying to sleep. They sound like nice kids & those kids usually at least try (altho often forget!)

It's your house so say no. Compromise by saying she can bring 1-2 friends over once a week.

I think the three of you need to sit down and come up with some reasonable boundaries.

it’s all new to her for now so it’s easy to get carried away so you just need to gently pull in back and bit and find a plan that works for everyone.

If she has a downstairs area is there scope to make a small kitchenette?

Kettle, toaster, air fryer and fridge sort of thing?

I get that encourages them more in a way but it keeps them downstairs after a time you tell them and also this will be your ds area in a decade most likely so it's an investment

Absolutely have ground rules around mid week. That's very reasonable. Either a time limit or a numbers limit

But yes, there also needs to be boundaries on how many nights a week. You need to compromise so chat to DH

I would never allow sleepovers on a school night. Weekends and holidays are fine.

'No guests after 7pm on a weeknight' or similar is absolutely reasonable for a teen. Especially when there are younger dc in the house.

I wouldn't want our teens having guests all through the week.

I'd say 8pm on a weekday and 11pm at weekends

Say weekends only. I don't know why your DH doesn't give a shit about the 5 year old.

Thanks all. We definitely need to get some ground rules in place. It’s a tricky one, she’s generally a good kid but has been over indulged and tends to take things for granted (more so than the average teen even!)

@itsgettingweird I love DSD but she is not blessed with an abundance of common sense and I can definitely see fire potential with a kitchenette. I don’t think I would sleep with the thought of teenage girls with fire creating implements residing underneath me!

I‘m glad you’ve called this out. He just says ‘he’s fine’ but it’s really not, especially seeing as he’s just started school.

He has a tendency to favour DSD but doesn’t see it. He has different standards for them and is much more patient and tolerant of DSD - probably because she is more like him. He’s overcompensating because her mum is barely involved but doesn’t see the impacts. It’s not huge and he’s a great dad, but it’s there. If the age gap was smaller I’d be more concerned.

He’s massively defensive on it so I struggle to broach it

Do you mean every night? I really do not want people here every night, it’s not a hotel!

I think there is room for compromise on both sides. Definitely set some ground rules with DSD, but also look at improving DS routine to work towards being able to settle in his room? What's happening with DSD sounds over the top but there's a reasonable challenge to be made that trying to settle a child to sleep in the lounge is not great when that should be a communal living space

It's difficult.
Kids with split up parents do tend to be over indulged to 'make up' for the fact that their parents have split, that happens all the time, possibly always.
I've also heard many parents say that they're happy their house is the party house because they know their dc is safe. Again not unusual.,
You have to try and think what you'd want if it were your own dd. Decide on your boundaries. Mine would be weekends only. Simply because when is she doing her homework and extra curricular/sport otherwise? By the time my 16 yo has done homework and an hour or so if whatever exercise she's doing that school day, faffed a bit on her phone, made and had dinner (I'm at work), done her face care routine, shower etc, there's no time left anyway of a week day.

As a side issue I would look at the sleep issue with your son, the specialists we have seen have all been in favour of having a set bedtime routine in the bedroom so it’s calmer and associated with sleep. In the long term in not sure the settling then moving is going to help. Also use the melatonin if it’s needed!

I agree. DS has always been so hard to get to bed that after five years of it we’ve fallen into bad habits. When it’s just DSD it’s not a huge distraction but her friends definitely are.

DSD also has a sitting area but appreciate the kitchen is a shared area. She never comes into the lounge- we’d like her to, but she isn’t interested.

Thank you. I agree re weekdays and think she needs a calm routine as much as anyone. But needs to feel comfortable bringing her friends over too.

I’m interested in the overindulged thing. My parents split and one of them died when I was a child but I wouldn’t think it was right that I got special treatment because of it (I definitely didn’t). I don’t think it’s good for either child tbh

We’ve finally got a better set up (his old room was tiny) and I’m waiting on delivery for a wee couch for us to snuggle on. Going to be a serious challenge getting him in there but worth a crack.

Agree a cut off 11pm weekends and one night a week for friends to come over, leave by 9pm. If things calm down a little you can always relax this. Keep sleepovers to weekends only. Get DSD a mini fridge, kettle & ask that friends stay out of communal areas after a certain time so you can get her brother to sleep. Be firm but nice about it, include her in the conversation (it’s so nice your friends make an effort with little brother when they are here but he gets so over excited we can’t get him to sleep!). DSD is bound to be a bit excited about the set-up and probably enjoying showing off a bit to her friends - at her age DP probably glad he knows where she is of an evening!

I wouldn't expect your 5 year old to be settled yet, so soon after moving. I think he will get used to the visitors being there. It should not prevent him getting into a routine.

I think it’s fine to have limits; sleepovers on weekends only and friends over a couple of times in the week maybe? You and your DH need a compromise that you’re both happy with.

It’s been a month, it’s the novelty of it all, I think you can genuinely say that you’re thrilled she’s so happy to have people over, but going forward we all need to settle into a sustainable routine so, weekends only for a while, max 2 nights per week. DS needs to settle in to the house too and it’s a bit too hectic atm.

just speak to her. Tell your h that’s what’s happening and do it. He doesn’t get to override your decision on this and your ds needs to settle in too.

It's very concerning that you've put your money into a joint asset without your DH doing rhe same, I hope you have not misunderstood your rights.

DS needs to sleep upstairs, you can't expect a 5yo to settle, march upstairs and settle again. DSD need to be told weekends late and one week night until 8/9 only, more than that and she won't have time for anything else. I'd be pleased to have them all hanging out there, but she will struggle to see what she can afford when she moves out!

I have sought legal advice but have also been in this situation with a long term partner in the past so I know my rights. The only issue would be if DH sold his property but then the profits become relationship property and I would get half. If he sold it without my consent it would be a dealbreaker for me - it’s currently rented out and the proposal management company deal with both of us so I’d know immediately.

Lounge is upstairs, very close to Ds’s room. It’s just the noise and people coming into the kitchen, which id open plan with the lounge. Appreciate we need to work on that