Stepdaughters relentless sleepovers

[Oreoqueen87]

We’ve recently moved into a new house and DSD (16) has a great set up - effectively a downstairs with bedroom to herself with a bathroom and access to a pool.. All other living is upstairs. She lives with us full time.

My AIBU is that we’ve been here a month and she’s probably had friends around 20 of the thirty nights (at least). Not just one friend, but usually 3, and as many as six. They don’t always stay over, but frequently stay until 9/10pm. They aren’t lots of bother in general, but can be noisy and come up to use the kitchen etc. On the weekends I don’t care. But this is weeknights too.

My biggest issue is trying to create a quiet routine for DS (5). He is a poor sleeper, and tends towards some big meltdowns when unsettled or overtired. He’s very hard to settle in his room so I often read him to sleep in the lounge. , He generally fights going to bed/sleep. He has melatonin but we try use it sparingly. Potential for ADHD as I have it.

He loves seeing DSD’s friends and they are really sweet with him. But he also knows they are here, we can hear them and they come upstairs, so it disrupts him. I also just want the house to ourselves more without being responsible for other people’s teens.

To avoid drip feed, house jointly owned, I paid deposit, DH has a house that we will be transferring into both names. This is a formality - we don’t live in the UK and I am legally entitled to half as we’ve been together eight years.

DH thinks I am being unreasonable. I get that he is glad she’s here where he can keep an eye on her most of the time, but I think it’s too much. AIBU?

If she's 16 OP, surely she and her friends should be studying/working/sports/clubs etc after school (and at some point during weekends?).

I would think her friend's parents also aren't that keen for their kids to be at yours so much when they have stuff to do.

You are 100% right to request that generally, no big socials on a school night.

Very difficult that your DH doesn't understand and support that. A very tricky issue.

Maybe it's a novelty as it's such a recent move?

But can she be in the lounge if it's being used to settle her brother till 10pm at night? What would be your expectations of her if she was in lounge with you all on her own of an evening? Does she get an evening with you both ever?

@Oreoqueen87 i wouldn't like every night. I'd probably be ok with 2-3 times a week.

It sounds petty, but I would make putting your son to be your husbands job for a while, he will likely take the whole thing more seriously when he's the one feeling the impact.

I think set days is a fair compromise with your DSD, maybe twice or three times a week?

@Oreoqueen87 dsd really needs to cut down on the number of nights she brings friends round. weekends should be enough for anyone, especially when there is a young child living in the same house. she can go out to the friends houses instead. I wouldnt be putting up with this every night!

over and above anything else - if she has school/college this is not good for her and she needs time to study and get decent sleep etc.

If she lives with you full-time then treat her as you would your own teen children (if you had any)

Ground rules - and school nights have to be early. Reasonable time at the weekneds.

She's got it made but she needs to be considerate. This isn't a flat share

Your DH needs to wake up to the fact that the teens will likely start having alcohol and also weed over the next few weeks. That plus access to a swimming pool is a bad idea!!

You need to look at one weekend night is not a "gathering" or she can have a friend to stay over but not multiple.

No sleepovers during the week and a maximum of x friends and the leave at Y.

A larger gathering once a month/term and DH then needs to be around "supervising" in the background.

This is all a teen dream but potential parent nightmare.

Tell her only a couple of friends can come over on a Saturday and have to leave by dinner time. Do they eat at your house? Say no to weekdays.

I have a soon to be 16 year old. She has her GCSEs this year but I presume this isn’t the case with your dsd. Teens absolutely need ground rules. My dd would never have sleepovers without asking and she has a fair few! I would be happy to be the go to party house but this is taking the mick out of you, her much younger sibling and not doing your dsd any favours at all.

I’d be sitting down with your dsd and setting some ground rules. She’s had time to party and have fun, a bit of a blow out in the new house. However, it’s time to get back to studying and be more considerate of the rest of the family.

As your dh isn’t going to set limits, I think I’d just tell him what you’re prepared to accept and tell him you expect him to adhere to this. It isn’t about playing favourites, it’s about recognising and respecting each family member. For starters, not big sleepers on a school night. My dd has the occasional one with just one friend on a school night but it’s all very sensible, they go to bed at a reasonable time, study when needed etc.

Other ground rules much needed as there is a pool, is no alcohol. If this goes on, she will soon start having mixed sex sleepovers without asking. My dd recently asked for a couple of these, which we’ve allowed (friends only) but the rules are very clear. No alcohol (drugs and vaping n/a atm), only boys we trust, everyone in one room to avoid “couples” etc. I made it very clear they were being trusted and treated as adults so I expected them to behave as such.

Thanks everyone. Some really great points, particularly around alcohol/weed and the pool.

@Nanny0gg you’ve nailed it when you said this isn’t a flat share. That is exactly how she treats the situation, albeit it’s a flat share where you don’t have to pay or cook!

@Mummyoflittledragon your approach sounds very sensible.

@MyGooseisTotallyLoose - where did you get that we are settling her little brother until 10pm? He’s in bed at a fairly standard time, it’s the battle it takes. He previously settled in his room (after hours of battling) at a previous house and DSD still didn’t come into the lounge. DSD just isn’t interested unless there is something going on that she wants to engage with (very seldom).

Connecting with your dsd is important but you’re only going to be able to do it on her terms so I honestly wouldn’t worry about her not wanting to come in the living room. My dd is only downstairs to eat. Make mealtimes a time to chat if you can but I appreciate you have a much younger child in the mix so talking will probably centre around him, which is natural. Or have her eat later with you both once your ds is in bed.

If you are able, I would suggest you make time 121 with your dsd doing something together ditto her dad. She needs female guidance by the sound of it. You could take her on a shopping trip or to a spa if that appeals etc. As my dd is an only, she gets plenty of time with just me or just dh. We mostly chat with her when driving her round to her activities. It’s about making the most of opportunities presented.

But it's completely normal for teens to be in each other's houses every night. I was always in my friends houses or they in mine when we were teens. Pretty much every single night.

Apologies then, think I'd got that from you saying they were there till 9/10pm and you were trying to settle him in the lounge, so read this as you were still settling him at this time.

Ah got it, it’s the friends that stay that late. Our lounge is very open plan and they come up and down until 10pm or so which is part of the problem- it’s part of the very little time DH and I have to ourselves and I don’t want to have to have teenagers traipsing up here to look in the fridge every night!

Make sure your disparaging attitude towards DSD doesn't come through in any conversation! At 16 she's not far off potentially living on her own at uni but you don't trust her with a kettle and microwave/air fryer???!

It's fine to set limits on times and days, it's a good idea in fact. But having them in a location where they are safe if they do drink etc (which is fine BTW, it's better even than making it mysterious and forbidden so they do it in secret and binge) is also a good one so they have help they can trust there if there is a problem

As others have said, you need to work on DS sleep routine. His sleep routine shouldn't mean family members can't use communal areas (DSD might not want to use the lounge but if she wants the kitchen then she's still going to be a disturbance)

What do they come up for? Can she have a mini fridge or kettle etc in her room?

I’s be inclined to come up with some rules eg friends round no more than four evenings a week, nobody upstairs after 7:30pm (or whenever you are doing your DS’s bedtime) etc.

It was not normal when I was a teen. It would be assumed something was wrong or some type of arrangement going on if a teen was at their friends’ every night.

You don't get evenings just the 2 of you if you live with a 16yo.

Unfortunately I don’t. She is a great kid but just isn’t very practical/competent. I have been teaching her to cook and she’s made some good inroads but doesn’t bother with things that don’t engage her. She regularly leaves our fridge door open for example, and has totally defrosted the freezer more than once, most recently about 4 months ago. She had a mini fridge in her room it’s our old house - it started leaking and she didn’t say/do anything about it for several days, at which point it had soaked into the underlay and the carpet had to be replaced. There is no way I’m letting her loose with flames - we all sleep upstairs and it’s far too risky with her current skill levels.

I’m keenly aware of additional needs as I’m neurodivergent- she’s been assessed twice privately which I paid for - she is NT.

I don’t think I’m disparaging. If anything I’m over accommodating as I know how hard it is to be asked to perform in a way that you just can’t. But she just doesn’t take responsibility, so therefore we can’t allow her to do those things.

This was my experience too. I seldom spent an evening at home with my parents when i was a teen. Most evening i was at friends houses or they were at mine.

You don't and if this was ops own child who she was advocating basically setting up in an annexe to live independently so she could live with her 'new family' she'd be bloody roasted, but because she's step you've got posters shouting, "16? She should have her own home/job/life!"

I think yo7 need to get your Dh on board with your comfort and settling ds. Having her mates over every day is unusual, I’d say. They all have school, so use that as a starter, maybe? Mates only at weekends and not every weekend at that.

I never mentioned whether she was NT or not... you bringing that up feels like projecting

What is she going to do in 2 years when she's an adult? Expect you to still do everything because you've forbidden her from doing these things?

Eh? Where do you get that I’ve banished DSD to an annexe to live independently? There is an additional full sized bedroom upstairs with us which she could have and we discussed with her - strangely enough she was keener on having her own ensuite, sitting area and private courtyard (and no we aren’t rich, we live in a cheaper place). She literally rolled her eyes and said ‘why would I keep sharing a bathroom when I don’t have to?’ She also house hunted with us and constantly advocated for a more separate space. Which I understand, I wanted privacy too at her age.

It cost us significantly more to get this set up. If I thought that it was not benefiting DSD in any way I’d gladly have bought a smaller house and enjoyed the extra money instead. We did it for her, not us.

You think we are trying to force her into independence and the poster below thinks we don’t give her enough. When in reality we are trying to provide her with a comfortable set up without completely martyring ourselves to the situation