Sisters annoying habit making meeting unbearable

[FruitFlyPie]

My sister and I are in our 30s, live in the same city and see each other every 2-3 weeks. We get along so well and always have. But she has an annoying habit that is so unbearable I feel I can't spend time with her anymore.

She hasn't been diagnosed or sought medical help for anxiety or any other physical or mental illness, but like most of us she has some level of anxiety and has some body focused repetitive behaviours. Since been a teen she has had a habit of pulling out individual strands of head hair and closely examining them. That's pretty annoying but it's bearable.

But the last few years she has a habit of pulling out individual strands, and poking them in between her teeth or using them to floss her teeth. She does this right in front of me, during lunch, while we are chatting, whatever we are doing. I find it so disgusting to watch I can't bear it. I try to ignore it but it goes on continuously. I've asked her to stop but she just gets angry and says look away if you don't like it. I've tried that but for example if it's at the dinner table, I can still see her doing it out if the corner of my eye.

I suppose it's not hurting me but I find it disgusting, and also disrespectful that she doesn't care enough about me to not do it in front of me. She wouldn't do it in front of her friends or at work, so I know she can stop. Why not wait until she gets home, or worst case go to the bathroom for a few minutes and do it.

Am I over reacting? I haven't told her this and I try to keep a blank but I hate it so so much and feel rage when I even think about it. I don't want to spend time with her anymore. It's such a shame though because we get on so well.

This would drive me insane, had an Ex who had similar habits and when I saw his hand go up to his face I know exactly what you mean as I got the rage!

He didn’t do it in work or in front of his daughter but funnily enough did do it in front of my family and friends - I was mortified and spent the whole time worrying if he would do it and what people thought - pathetic I know.

Before anyone jumps in and says I don’t sound very sympathetic I actually was as I know these things can be anxiety based but my anxiety was through the roof and he didn’t seem very sympathetic about that!

I totally get where you at coming from OP.

@FruitFlyPie

She can stop at work and with friends though. Why aren't I respected that much?

This is the kicker, isn't it?

Obviously, she can control her impulses when she needs to. It's nice, in a way, that she feels comfortable enough with you to drop her guard and do it in your presence. Ish!

Maybe you need to let her know just how much is grosses you out and ask that she add you to the list of people she doesn't do it in front of? And if not then yes, you might need to back away for a bit. I'd probably up the number of calls, if that is the road you go down.

I do think it sounds like she needs support. These kind of impulses are often linked to, as you said, anxiety but also OCD and ASD. I think I'd be encouraging her to speak to her GP.

because it's utterly exhausting trying to be "on top of it" all of the time in front of everyone.

I have eczema in my hair. I try my hardest to consciously not scratch when I'm at work or other public places but sometimes it just happens.

Annoys the hell out of me when some smart arse pipes up with "stop scratching". Yeah, cos I'm doing it for fun mate.

Wow 🥺

Can medication help @AngeloMysterioso

Hanging, would you try to stop if you became aware you were doing it in front of someone who hated it

I can't really "try to stop" because I only notice I'm doing it when I'm already doing it IYSWIM. So I can stop doing it but I can't stop starting it.

Honestly, I wouldn't spend any time with anyone who hated it. I'd be too embarrassed.

I know there is obviously a problem for her OP but that doesn't mean its ok for her to sit there and floss her teeth with hair at the table. That's gross.

HangingOver that's what I'm saying though, if you realised you were doing it would you stop. Or would you say "if you don't like it, don't look" and keep doing it.

Personally I always tried to stop when someone noticed, but it's really, really hard. I can sort of understand her being defensive and saying you just have to deal with it if she doesn't want to stop in that moment. I would have to 'finish' the hair - if you don't do the ritual it feels horrible, your whole body feels wrong and desperately uncomfortable, like something terrible is going to happen.

You just need to talk to her OP, with gentleness and understanding. @AngeloMysterioso's post is absolutely spot on, it is not about you at all.

And anyone suggesting therapy clearly hasn't tried to access mental health services on the NHS...

I would have to 'finish' the hair - if you don't do the ritual it feels horrible, your whole body feels wrong and desperately uncomfortable, like something terrible is going to happen.

I guess this is the problem - watching this makes me feel horrible, it makes my whole body feel wrong and desperately uncomfortable and terrible. So one of us has to feel this way. I suppose I'm annoyed it always has to be me. This is not an exaggeration to prove my point, it is actually how I feel.

I guess we just have opposite needs at the moment and that can't be helped.

You’re doing very well trying to understand and sympathise with your sister.

She sounds really very ill the poor thing.

"I guess this is the problem - watching this makes me feel horrible, it makes my whole body feel wrong and desperately uncomfortable and terrible. So one of us has to feel this way. I suppose I'm annoyed it always has to be me. This is not an exaggeration to prove my point, it is actually how I feel."

That's interesting, because somehow her anxiety is being transferred to you.

I wonder can you have a conversation about the habit that would be useful to both of you that doesn't involve an immediate demand to stop.

Like have you said something like, 'I'm curious about this habit of yours because interestingly when I see you do it, my whole body feels wrong and desperately uncomfortable and terrible, and I'm wondering is that what you experience if you don't do it?'

It's a coping mechanism. So if someone tries to get between her and the coping mechanism they'll be shut down. But if someone tries to understand what it helps with, then the person feels understood, and might want to admit she could use some help.

So really try to build some understanding and shared experience of the issue, rather than just 'can you stop doing that fucking hair thing please it's driving me nuts'.

In a strange way, she does it in front of you because she trusts you.

It’s an uncontrollable, unconscious urge, so contrary to what OP seems to think, the sister can’t just pop to the loo for a few minutes, pull out a few hairs and get it out of her system

I know it's possible that she really can't help it. But I think that other people also cannot help their sense of revulsion at what most people would consider a fairly gross and unhygienic personal habit.

I wouldn't be able to enjoy a meal with someone who was pulling out their hair and using it to pick their teeth, any more than I could enjoy a meal with someone who was picking at scabs or digging bogeys out of their nose, or biting bits of skin off their fingers - regardless of whether they're aware they're doing it.

I accept that sometimes people absolutely can't help doing certain things. I sympathise - I'm a compulsive lip-biter to the point where I sometimes can't eat without pain and my dentist is horrified by the state of the inside of my mouth, and I also used to bite my nails until they were bleeding, which I would still be doing if I didn't now spend £35 every three weeks on a nail treatment that makes it impossible. But I also accept that other people can't help finding those things gross, and they are perfectly reasonable to feel that way.

good post @KreedKafer

that's what I'm saying though, if you realised you were doing it would you stop. Or would you say "if you don't like it, don't look" and keep doing it

I'd be too embarrassed to be around you in the first place if I caught even a whiff of you hating it.

Hi OP you probably won't see this but will write it anyway. I'm 25 and I've had trichotillomania since I was about 7 (triggered by CSA). It causes me to pull out my eye lashes and examine them. I usually feel immense guilt after pulling but during the moment is releases happy endorphins. I usually do this when I'm alone but sometimes in front of my mom as she's the closest person to me. I've never done it in front of friends as I'd feel so ashamed.

As an adult, it's usually triggered by stress but, sometimes I don't even realise I'm doing it or I'll do it out of boredom. It's very hard for me to stop, especially after almost 20 years. I hope your sister seeks help. Best of luck x

BippityBoppityFuck you don't need to feel guilt or ashamed, no one is saying that.

Guilt and shame tend to be part of the cycle of these kind of behaviours, unfortunately. Often one of the worst aspects of the condition.