Sisters annoying habit making meeting unbearable

[FruitFlyPie]

My sister and I are in our 30s, live in the same city and see each other every 2-3 weeks. We get along so well and always have. But she has an annoying habit that is so unbearable I feel I can't spend time with her anymore.

She hasn't been diagnosed or sought medical help for anxiety or any other physical or mental illness, but like most of us she has some level of anxiety and has some body focused repetitive behaviours. Since been a teen she has had a habit of pulling out individual strands of head hair and closely examining them. That's pretty annoying but it's bearable.

But the last few years she has a habit of pulling out individual strands, and poking them in between her teeth or using them to floss her teeth. She does this right in front of me, during lunch, while we are chatting, whatever we are doing. I find it so disgusting to watch I can't bear it. I try to ignore it but it goes on continuously. I've asked her to stop but she just gets angry and says look away if you don't like it. I've tried that but for example if it's at the dinner table, I can still see her doing it out if the corner of my eye.

I suppose it's not hurting me but I find it disgusting, and also disrespectful that she doesn't care enough about me to not do it in front of me. She wouldn't do it in front of her friends or at work, so I know she can stop. Why not wait until she gets home, or worst case go to the bathroom for a few minutes and do it.

Am I over reacting? I haven't told her this and I try to keep a blank but I hate it so so much and feel rage when I even think about it. I don't want to spend time with her anymore. It's such a shame though because we get on so well.

How do you know she doesn't do it at work/with friends @FruitFlyPie?Presumably you're not with her at these times?

I'm sure she doesn't do it around friends as I haven't seen it when I've spent time with her and her friends, or if family friends are over. I'm assuming based on this she doesn't do it at work, but you are right, this is an assumption.

If she's doing it at family gatherings, what do others think/have they said anything to her about it?

My parents don't like it but don't seem as bothered as me, and don't want to say anything in case it upsets her. Our other sibling is intellectually disabled and this isn't really something she would notice.

Am I understanding right that using her hair to floss her teeth while sat at a table with you? I don't understand how anyone is defending that. You don't floss while having a conversation with someone. Not with floss or your hair.

You say she doesn't do it in front of friends /work colleagues - how do you know this? Have you been around her when she is with them or has she told you this?

If that is the case, then is there something about family relationships /her relationship with you that makes her more anxious so she does this in front of you but not in frint of other people?.

Am I understanding right that using her hair to floss her teeth while sat at a table with you?

Yes. Pp explained it a bit better than I did, she plucks an individual strand out, closely examines it (the root part), then pokes it between her teeth (using one hand) and then runs it between her teeth using both hands. She talks and keeps up with the convo while doing this.

I would actually prefer her to use normal floss to do it, if she absolutely had to. It's the fact that it's hair that I can't stand.

She talks and keeps up with the convo while doing this.

Probably the worst part of it is when she talks when doing it, she will be holding the hair poked between her teeth and she is talking.

You keep saying about it being a respect thing. I think you need to reframe it- she's family and feels comfortable around you. Ultimately you can't control what she does, only your reaction. Which is probably currently counter productive! You're sisters- surely you had to learn to tolerate and learn to ignore irritating behaviours from each other as children? Channel that!

Yes, of course. But there's irritating behaviours, and then there's this. If her problem was one of the things listed by pps, like nail biting, clothes chewing, talking loudly or eating coleslaw I'd be absolutely fine with it.

I can’t imagine she ‘enjoys’ doing this and whilst it’s annoying (I’d find it more worrying), would you really stop seeing her because of this? The flossing is quite grim though.

I appreciate we all have our boundaries, but crikey ☹️. Maybe she does it in front of you because as her sister, she expects to feel less judged. Then again she’s probably unable to contain it around you as your judgement keeps her in a heightened state.

would you really stop seeing her because of this?

I don't want to, and I don't judge her in a moral sense. But I don't think I've explained well how it makes me feel. I feel so revolted and disgusted, I feel sick and anxious myself. It's worse if it's in the car and I can't get away or even look away (if I'm the driver).

Unless you've been in this situation it's hard to imagine - pp comparing it to someone talking loudly makes it obvious some have not understood what I'm saying.

Thanks for everyone's imput, I've decided that I will say something and make it clear that I can't sit and watch this anymore, and I will have to leave if she's doing it. I will also say I can't drive her anymore, unless she sits in the back seat so I can't see it.

It sounds like you have developed an extreme aversion to this act that is bordering on a phobia.

Is it the having spittle flecked hands that then touch your car handles that bothers you?

I knew someone who constantly had her hands in her mouth and then proceeded to touch everything with them, I would beg her to at least get up and wash her hands when she was done, but she didn’t see the problem.
Besides, her hands were in her mouth so much, she would have been washing her hands dozens of times a day.

In the end, I wasn’t comfortable with her coming to my home anymore and put a stop to it.

Behave - why should OP have to put up with something she finds vile. As OP states her sisters doesn't do it at work or with friends. And the sister has refused to do anything to help the situation

It's a form of stimming in Autistic people.. it can be masked in company where the person doesn't feel so comfortable.. but with people they feel close to they start doing it because those people are their comfort people.

I’ve also had TTM since my teens, and am now mostly bald as a result. Running a hair between your teeth after pulling it out, as a PP pointed out, is a very common part of it. TTM, like a lot of BFRBs, is almost ritualistic. It’s an uncontrollable, unconscious urge, so contrary to what OP seems to think, the sister can’t just pop to the loo for a few minutes, pull out a few hairs and get it out of her system. Similarly, giving her actual floss to floss with would be pointless- it’s not flossing and it’s nothing at all like flossing.

All I would say to the OP is that I’m hearing a lot of “me, me, me” in your posts- for fucks sake, it has nothing to do with how much she respects you, how much she cares about you- it’s not about you at all! I rarely pull my hair out in the office because I’m busy and occupied but I do at home- it doesn’t mean I respect my colleagues more than my husband. It’s not something one can just quit, or “cut back” - if it were that easy I’d have done it 25 years ago!

Chances are she doesn’t want to be pulling her hair out, bald patches aren’t exactly attractive and constantly hoovering your hair up is a pain in the ass. Try to think of ways you can support her instead of making it all about you and how it makes you feel and how it’s a reflection of her attitude towards you. Stop centring yourself in this. It’s not about you.

Just wanted to share some insight as I have skin picking disorder which is similar in a lot of ways. I would say that she probably does it when around you and the rest of the family not out of a lack of respect but because she feels comfortable with you and probably developed the habit when growing up around you. It's not because she has more respect for her friends or colleagues. I would be surprised if she didn't do it at all when socialising or working though, as it sounds like it is a very frequent behaviour that is currently not well controlled at all. And pulling out hairs is very easy to do subconsciously, even if she's not then progressing to the full on flossing behaviour. I also almost guarantee that she does it in front of her partner if they've been together for at least a few years.

The issue is the way that she sees it. She claims to not regard it as a problem but it's a behaviour that she doesn't have control of so I think it is one. But perhaps in a way if you are honest with her about how much it bothers you, she will have some motivation to change. She gets defensive because it's a very intimate and peculiar habit, but she's engaging in it publicly so she can't be too surprised to receive comments on it. It is an antisocial habit that isn't really acceptable to engage in in front of others and she does need to face up to that.

I would try and see if you can support her in seeking treatment before reducing contact as a last resort.

AngeloMysterioso I'm a person too, though.

I have stresses and anxieties and problems as well. I'm not centreing myself in a selfish way but I have to care about myself, no one else is going to.

Does she do it in front of them

Yes, as I mentioned above she does, but they aren't as bothered and also don't want to say anything and risk upsetting her.

I have this (my trichotillomania is to pull and bite) it is RIDICULOUSLY hard to stop since it's almost always unconscious.

Hanging, would you try to stop if you became aware you were doing it in front of someone who hated it, or would you keep going (now consciously) and tell them "just look away if you don't like it".

Please stop beating up on the OP. The sister’s behavior is intrusive, getting worse, and untreated. OP is suffering from it and looking for solutions (very eldest sister!) but all the good solutions require the sister to take action/have insight and she won’t.

I've not read the whole thread , sorry, but how about your meetings being going for a walk so that (hopefully) she is less your line of vision ?

I pull my hair out. If I'm at work I try very hard not to, but I do still do it.
How do you know she doesn't?

The hair pulling, yes is bearable. But the putting in her teeth - no I think you are right to pull her up on that.

She probably struggles to suppress it at work and with friends and it comes out in force when she feels more comfortable eg with family. It won't be a conscious decision to do it or not do it. I pick my face a lot, bites my nails, root for facial hairs etc. If I catch myself doing it at work etc I do try to control myself but the suppression makes it even more strong when I do feel able to be myself- at home or around good friends. It's really not as simple as you think.