How should I play this? DD driving me mad!!

[PheobeBebe]

DD (13yo) has had trouble keeping her room tidy for a long time. It's just a huge mess, I have hurt myself going in there in the past as she has dropped earring or needles on the floor and not picked them up. The room struggles with mould around the window but she doesn't even open the curtains properly and has plants all over her windowsill making it extremely hard to clean. We have spoken about what would help her etc, she always says she wants us to ask her to tidy and not raise voices as when anyone gets angry it makes her push back, which I have stuck to (and when it's gotten really bad or gone on for long times I have warned her that I was starting to feel angry without raising voices etc so that we don't get to that point). She NEVER tidies the whole room, just a section and says that she's made an effort and it's better than it was.

Well, she wants to go on a summer camp related to her hobby. It's £550 so not a small sum. We initially said no due to the cost, but have decided she can use some of the savings we have for the kids as it would be a good experience and will help massively with the skill involved in the hobby. Today I told her that she can go IF she tidies her entire room and keeps it tidy for a month. I thought she would bite my hand off, jump up and down with joy and thank me! Boy was I wrong. She was quiet during the discussion and after I left she could be heard crying in her room! I tried to give her a cuddle and ask her what was wrong and keep the whole thing calm, but I must admit I got pretty pissed off and had some words with her as it was quite clear she wants the trip with no strings. She wasn't argumentative, but I told her she was being bloody entitled to think she can just have £550 while not doing the one thing we ask of her. I have offered to help her numerous times, I even tidied her floor and cupboard for her a couple of weeks ago which took me 2/3 hours - all she had to do was tidy up her make up and desk. Needless to say it looks like I never did anything now. I offered to help her today more than once but she insists she doesn't want assistance.
I'm really peeved that what I thought was a reasonable / nice gesture has created WW3. AIBU to feel annoyed with her? And to stick to my guns and say if it isn't completely tidy (and kept tidy) that she isn't going on the camp?

I would be sticking to my guns. My dd has to tidy her room everyday and that's just as standard no incentives like a £500 trip. She's younger than your dd. I do it for her sometimes but I think it's an important thing to become routine for when she's an adult and has a whole flat/house to keep tidy. She also has adhd is messy. If she doesn't do in in the morning she does it after school. Uniform gets hung up room gets sorted before anything else.

If it's bad I do write mine a list to help her stay on task. It doesn't get bad though really as it's done every day. We have a big sort out together once a month.

Yes, very.

If it was normal teen mess that would be one thing, but mould is quite another - not only is it bad for your health it can destroy your plaster and paintwork too.

Have you ever considered why her room is this way rather than assuming it's due to laziness or messiness.
I very much struggled with a messy room when I was younger. It was impossible to keep clean and I remember getting told off over and over again. Fast forward to turning 30 and I was diagnosed with ADHD.
I don't want to assume your daughter has ADHD because of course being untidy isn't the only symptom but I would really encourage you to research how it presents in young girls and also try to explore if it's not ADHD, why her room gets like this.
Her emotional response would suggest that there is a shame or feeling like she wouldn't be able to keep it tidy so it doesn't sound like she intends it to be that way.

I don't think it's a massive ask, but it sounds like the distance between where OP's DD is right now in terms of managing her room and where OP would ideally like her to be are massively far apart. That's the only reason why it needs breaking down and supporting.

And I can see OP has tried to help in the past but I still think there is too much of a gap which is why this hasn't helped. Mainly caused by this idea that there is such a thing of a reasonable expectation that is the same for everyone.

I agree it's a good thing to have high expectations but you're bound to end up frustrated/disappointed if you constantly have expectations which are far away from where the child currently is and you aren't willing to look at what the steps are for them to realistically get there.

OP would emptying her room help her a bit? For example, maybe once every 8 weeks I’ll give my 7 yr old a big garbage bag and tell him to put everything he doesn’t need/use in it. Helps with the clutter and giving him some control over his room. Then I’ll give him wipes and it’s his job to dust the room. I do a big floor clean upstairs once a week and it’s also his job to vacuum/mop his room (I obviously have to do it again after him most of the time though).

I will admit he does get told off for leaving his towel or dirty clothes on the floor though.

I just think maybe if you set apart a time every week to clean her room it might help with a routine?