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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is he being out of order?

63 replies

Dogmum89 · 02/03/2024 07:53

On holiday with DH at the moment and we have been having some issues last few months but working through them. Most of holiday has been good but there's been a few comments last night for example and I am feeling fed up of being told what to do.
I have planned the entire holiday and got us around so got my phone out at the end of dinner when waiting pay to see where we could go for a drink. He snapped at me to put my phone away and saying I'm so rude bringing my phone out in the middle of the meal. I put it face down on the table and he told me to put it away. Earlier I'd been sitting with my elbow on the table and he told me to sit up straight and get my elbows off the table. The waiter topped our wine up through the meal and I'd apparently had more by the end so he said you can pour that last glass for me as you have already had more.
Maybe I just have bad etiquette and I'm open to that being the case but I being unreasonable to think this is a bit controlling? I feel like a child not an equal partner. Sorry if this sounds petty but recently small things like this are constantly happening and I don't know if I'm the one who's wrong here.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 02/03/2024 07:56

Yep, he’s treating you like a child.

ohdamnitjanet · 02/03/2024 07:57

Oh it’s definitely not you. He’s a picky twat and not your boss. Stop doing what he tells you.

TwilightSkies · 02/03/2024 07:58

He sounds like an asshole!! He shouldn’t be speaking to you like that.

Mindymomo · 02/03/2024 07:58

Is he asking you to put your phone away or telling you. How do you respond when he’s saying these things to you. I’m sorry, but it’s not acceptable behaviour.

pictoosh · 02/03/2024 07:59

Does he think he's your mentor or something?
I'd tell him to do one. There would be an almighty row.

NotStylishOrBeautiful · 02/03/2024 07:59

He’s a twat. Why would it be a problem even if you had had more wine than him?

Loopytiles · 02/03/2024 08:00

Horrible treatment from him.

Purplecatshopaholic · 02/03/2024 08:00

He sounds a delight! I would not be taking that shit, you need to tell him to stop.

ZekeZeke · 02/03/2024 08:02

What is the age gap between you?

Jamongranary · 02/03/2024 08:04

He is being rude , i understand not using the phone during romantic meal , however it's perfectly fine to put it face down .

There shouldn't be a problem
if you had more wine ,
why is he being so condescending , ruining nice evening

LoveAutumnColours · 02/03/2024 08:04

Well, I think there’s much more going on here than the phone, slouching and drinking more wine than him. Nor about being controlling not treating you like a child.

it would seem that he is either angry with you and the smallest things you are doing are annoying him. Or he has the ick about you.

Has nothing really to do with any of those things you have done last night.

there is a bigger root cause there. Talking about it in a calm manner is what is needed. If you focus on those actions last night, those actions are not the root cater but symptom of his frustration about something else.

Hoglet70 · 02/03/2024 08:05

That would seriously annoy me and we'd be rowing all the time as I wouldn't be able to stop myself asking who the hell he thought he was every five minutes.

Dogmum89 · 02/03/2024 08:18

ZekeZeke · 02/03/2024 08:02

What is the age gap between you?

2 years

OP posts:
TiIIyM · 02/03/2024 08:22

Absolutely not a fucking chance I'd stay with someone like this. What right does he think he has to control you and treat you like you're 5. No way!

ZekeZeke · 02/03/2024 08:22

Dogmum89 · 02/03/2024 08:18

2 years

I assumed (incorrectly) he was a lot older.
Agree with Loveautumncolours, there are bigger issues here.

pensione · 02/03/2024 08:26

Yes, he’s controlling and it will get worse. Dump him now.

Mellowautumnmists · 02/03/2024 08:42

What are the other issues you have been working through prior to the holiday?

TheTecknician · 02/03/2024 11:21

Treat the bastard to a whole bottle of wine next time. Preferably in lots of sharp pieces on his bonce. What a turd.

Mischance · 02/03/2024 11:24

Just tell him he cannot tell you what to do or not to do and that if he doesn't like that he is with the wrong partner. Don't cave in or doubt yourself.

Don't play any verbal games with him or get into an argument; just be clear.

Merryoldgoat · 02/03/2024 11:29

He doesn’t sound like he likes you very much.

I think you need to seriously rethink your marriage.

WhippetSnappet · 02/03/2024 11:50

How did you respond to these instructions? I can tell you I would have absolutely downed that glass of wine, picked up my phone and walked out!

He sounds awful. Bin him!

BobbyBiscuits · 02/03/2024 12:35

'Elbows off the table, sit up straight.' It sounds like a Victorian patriarch berating children in a workhouse. Jut say no. Why the fuck should you sit up straight? And the phone thing. Just say, 'we have finished and I was finding us a bar, unless you want to pick one?' He's acting an arsehole.
Is this due to the recent row/ problems? Or is he always like that with you? If I were you I'd say "I'm not a flipping 4 year old. What is your problem?'

Dogmum89 · 02/03/2024 13:31

@WhippetSnappet with the phone I said no I'm looking for where we should go and left it face down on the table but he sat giving me dirty looks and shaking his head until I just caved and put it away.

@BobbyBiscuits feels accurate. He's always like this, he did the same thing of sit up straight when we were out a few months ago. I guess I just wanted to know if this is normal because I guess going on your phone and slouching etc could be seen as being childish or rude to some. But yes he makes me feel like a child however if I say anything it will be met with "well don't act like a child and I wouldn't have to treat you that way".

@Mellowautumnmists in terms of issues it has been along similar lines of not feeling equal but I've been suffering from anxiety and self esteem issues so thought I was overreacting to his behaviour.

OP posts:
Mellowautumnmists · 02/03/2024 13:47

He's causing your anxiety and self esteem issues! He has no right to speak to you like this. It's not you, it's him.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 02/03/2024 14:33

It sounds fun where you are the conversation must be exciting. Is your relationship normally this bland are you happy with him. Does he make you laugh do you both communicate well together (not including the odd disagreement here and there)?

Do you have children with him or is it only the two of you? Are you happy?