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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is he being out of order?

63 replies

Dogmum89 · 02/03/2024 07:53

On holiday with DH at the moment and we have been having some issues last few months but working through them. Most of holiday has been good but there's been a few comments last night for example and I am feeling fed up of being told what to do.
I have planned the entire holiday and got us around so got my phone out at the end of dinner when waiting pay to see where we could go for a drink. He snapped at me to put my phone away and saying I'm so rude bringing my phone out in the middle of the meal. I put it face down on the table and he told me to put it away. Earlier I'd been sitting with my elbow on the table and he told me to sit up straight and get my elbows off the table. The waiter topped our wine up through the meal and I'd apparently had more by the end so he said you can pour that last glass for me as you have already had more.
Maybe I just have bad etiquette and I'm open to that being the case but I being unreasonable to think this is a bit controlling? I feel like a child not an equal partner. Sorry if this sounds petty but recently small things like this are constantly happening and I don't know if I'm the one who's wrong here.

OP posts:
Dogmum89 · 03/03/2024 13:39

@FOJN about a year and I had been going to counselling for this as had other things going on too but it is sometimes used against me as anytime I react in a way he doesn't like it's like "you need to up your counselling" etc

OP posts:
FOJN · 03/03/2024 13:41

Dogmum89 · 03/03/2024 13:39

@FOJN about a year and I had been going to counselling for this as had other things going on too but it is sometimes used against me as anytime I react in a way he doesn't like it's like "you need to up your counselling" etc

Oh dear, weaponising vulnerabilities and gaslighting.

Please leave.

jeaux90 · 03/03/2024 13:44

Well firstly it sounds like a parent child dynamic.

Secondly he is weaponising your anxiety and counselling.

Lastly is he probably causing your anxiety

FictionalCharacter · 03/03/2024 13:46

What a horrible, horrible man.
Ask yourself if he’d talk to his mum, his brother, a male friend or his boss in that way. He wouldn’t, obviously. So it isn’t OK for him to treat his wife that way either.

SinnerBoy · 03/03/2024 13:50

DustyLee123 · Yesterday 07:56

Yep, he’s treating you like a child.

God yes! What a petulant bully he sounds.

CatherineofAmazon · 03/03/2024 15:34

Who the hell does he think he talking to you like that?
He’s a nasty controlling bully OP.
He won’t change but you will. You will become a shell of your former self, always waiting for the next put down or order.
Get out now before he ruins your self esteem for good.

ThinWomansBrain · 03/03/2024 15:41

on the plus side, if he is that obsessed with sharing the wine equally, when it comes to dividing assets on divorce, i won't be an issue.

Sameratdifferenthat · 03/03/2024 15:58

What would happen if you said "oh do fuck off with your nasty attitude. I'm your wife, not your child & I don't appreciate being scolded like one"? I guess basically I'm saying: tell him to fuck off.

Dogmum89 · 03/03/2024 20:46

Thanks again for all the responses, I'm glad you can see.my point of view as thought I was being a bit crazy for feeling upset by it. Still pissed off 2 days later

OP posts:
Dogmum89 · 12/03/2024 20:53

Well I finally brought it up after a week as I've found myself being short with him when he tells me what to do. Final straw coming home to a mess and feeling totally taken for granted, should have brought it up in a calmer manner. Apparently he didn't even think it was a thing and I'm getting the silent treatment. Really no point in bringing things up as now I'm the one in the wrong

OP posts:
losthj · 12/03/2024 20:59

Well that's good @Dogmum89

He can remain nice and silent while one of you packs and leaves.

This is not love. This is not what you should be feeling.

I've been married twenty years, DH and I argue, but over the little things.
The big stuff he has my back and me his.

Do you have somewhere you could go? Are you ok?

Plmnki · 12/03/2024 21:20

Run! He is controlling and damaging and vile. Get out and escape to a better life.

Dogmum89 · 12/03/2024 21:44

losthj · 12/03/2024 20:59

Well that's good @Dogmum89

He can remain nice and silent while one of you packs and leaves.

This is not love. This is not what you should be feeling.

I've been married twenty years, DH and I argue, but over the little things.
The big stuff he has my back and me his.

Do you have somewhere you could go? Are you ok?

You're right, I know this isn't normal to feel this way. And I think the silent treatment is just to have me sitting worrying I'm doing something wrong. I could go to friends if needed. I'm ok thanks, just fed up and exhausted. Keep trying to make things work but I can't seem to ignore all of the controlling shit.

OP posts:
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