To feel sadder the more I see people

[recluse2024]

I’ve got depression, I’m having therapy and advice on mumsnet previously has been to “get back out there and see friends etc.”.

however yesterday’s attempt to see a friend and her kids along with mine was an epic failure (see previous thread for more details). It’s just got me wondering should I just distance myself from people till I’m feeling better or choose who I’m spending time with more carefully? I’ve had other interactions recently with others that I haven’t written about which also made me feel low and I met them alone without their or my kids but I still feel the same the next day - low, sad, upset and next day I feel even sadder than I was feeling before I go. I think I’m done with people for now.

Are you able to link to your previous thread, please?

I'm sorry you're feeling so shit. I think you're right to be discerning about who you see. How many people have you got in your life that you currently feel comfortable being around?

@Sapphire387 i have a few people but don’t get to see them a lot as they working or live quite far away. The only way I can meet people is through my kids if I’m honest. I do no activities where I can meet people, my neighbours keep to themselves and I don’t live in a friendly community.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5019583-to-just-want-to-become-more-of-a-recluse-and-say-goodbye-to-my-social-life?reply=133435834

Who are the people who you feel happiest with?

What feels different about your reactions to these people ,versus your reactions to the people your feel lower around?

Absolutely be selective over who you choose to spend time with. However if you find it is most people, the problem might not be rooted in them as such but in your redactions, or negative scripts you tell yourself. Therapy can help you with becoming more aware of that and breaking the cycle.

Who are the people who you feel happiest with?

I feel happiest with people whose kids get along with mine. My DD I suspect is on the spectrum, she displays very low level behaviours but she doesn’t do it all the time so maybe not but I can see she feels more at ease with certain personalities.

also I feel happier around people where there’s no awkwardness such as yesterday my kids were crying for food so I ordered enough for my kids and the other kids and paid. I didn’t mind but these situations make me feel unsure what to do. It’s nasty is my kids sat there eating and other kids didn’t so I felt awkward doing so

Your other thread sounds very normal for life with kids tbh.

I agree with @RogersOrganismicProcess that therapy might be good. Your GP might be able to refer you for CBT - (not sure the NHS offers much else). You may find it helpful as it would held you change your thought processes

I'm sorry the playdate didn't go well... if that's a pattern for your kids it's worth rethinking if Friday playdates work... maybe Saturday at the park could be better.

In the meantime, you could keep up some level of social context via texting etc with those who live further away.

You don't always have to socialise 'with' people... sometimes it's good to be 'out and about' with just your kids but getting fresh air and/or letting them interact at a low level e.g. parks, museums, soft play.

Are you a single parent?

Thank you both. Yes I’m a single parent. My biggest source of worry is the paying scenarios. It gets awkward meeting with people I don’t know and it makes me feel so low. Like yesterday my kids were crying they were hungry so I just got a large pizza for all the kids to share but if the other parent stepped in and said you get your own and we’ll get our own (it was a walk up to counter type of food not table service) then I could have gotten myself something I wanted and got my kids something different that they would have liked better but the pizza seemed like easy option as everyone could grab a slice. I hate that awkwardness.

Op have you considered asd for yourself? You seem quite concerned with the details of social interactions and are worrying about them (potentially) more than you need to?

I personally would focus on people that make you feel happy rather than people where there is less awkwardness and socialising isn't just for your children. I would focus on seeing just close friends and family and travelling a bit further to see them. Trying to socialise with people I don't know really well would not have helped me at all when I was depressed.

@Justanything86 thats a good point thank you. Not considered asd before

I wouldn’t overthink the pizza thing. Presumably they all ate it, even if they moaned a bit - that’s just normal and bowling alley food universally sucks so there probably were no good options.

I think you were possibly setting yourself up to fail a bit with the play date because your 9 year old was left out on a limb- was basically her and her brother and his friends but she had to join in and the age difference likely made it not a fair fight- cue sibling spat. Obviously not always possible to find friends where the dc “match off” but then it usually works better where it’s not a competitive activity or where the “spare”
kid can either amuse themselves ( park or trampolining or something) or is at home so can just do their own thing.

That said, I just don’t tolerate a lot of whining when we’re out with other people. Yes they may not be having the best time of their lives and one dc may have got a better deal than the other in terms of who else is there, but you are a person too and have a right to have a nice chat with your friend so they may just have to deal with it for an hour or so. I always take books so they have that option if they’re really bored.

Honestly I would talk to the GP - because you can be relatively quickly taught skills to cope with the sort of thing, and it might make a huge difference to your life.

It also struck me earlier that you were looking for people who your kids get on with. That’s fine, I have had friends over the years because my kids liked theirs, & we’ve got on okay. But they’re not (on the whole, the odd exception) close friends or people I would see without the children. It would be good to cultivate your friends as well. I know it is hard when you are a single parent & have young children - do you have any time without the children?

From what I’ve read about depression there can be a very strong link to stress I.e. stress can cause or exacerbate it. But then so can isolation and spending time with others in your community alleviate it.

If the little I’ve read is true then I suppose you do need to be more selective but not cut yourself off. Perhaps limiting the time you spend with these friends rather than opting out completely.

I hope you can find what works best for you and you feel better soon

Just to say, bowling is dark and noisy and a bit overwhelming when you're tired after a long week! Not your fault for choosing it obvs, it seems like a good idea in theory but then you get there and it's not like in the movies.

I think when I've been depressed before, I've tended to extrapolate bad events - so like you're doing, one playdate didn't go well so you've sort of decided all playdates won't go well. But that isn't logically true.

Don't analyse it too hard, just try again soon. The longer you leave it, the more daunting it'll be.

Next time try a Monday playdate (kids less tired than a Friday) and something quieter.

You're really overthinking the pizza awkwardness imo - I don't think it was a big deal at all!

Thank you all. I just feel I wasn’t a good fit and this family wasn’t a good fit for mine. It was a stressful day! My youngest this morning woke up and said he hated it and wish we had stayed home

Can you not just take them to a local park for some fresh air? If there's other kids there they might say hi and play together a bit. You could say hi to the parents and do some small talk if they seem receptive. Although plenty of parents at parks just want a break from it all so don't take it personally if they don't want to chat!

Planning out elaborate and expensive outings isn't ideal, too much pressure and stress. Just a good old fashioned knock about in a play park is usually better!

I would do playing in the park with a picnic when the weather improves. At worst is an ask for an ice cream.

You said you’d wished the other parent would have initiated the suggestion of buying their own child food, to make everything clearer. I wonder what it would have felt like for you to state the boundaries of food buying.

“The kids seem hungry, I’m going to buy mine x,y,z, I might even get something to save me cooking later. Are you getting anything for yourselves?”

@RogersOrganismicProcess i find this sort of thing difficult. I think pp might be right and I have ASD. I find it all rather awkward

I think it’s important to realise this isn’t a “just you” problem. It’s something that most people experience when trying to make friends- sometimes the personalities or parenting styles or the dc just don’t gel and it’s all a bit awkward and painful. Like “shall I offer to buy them sweets but what if the other mum doesn’t want them to have them or what if she doesn’t want to spend money on them and I’m putting her on the spot, overthink, overthink, overthink” 🤣. I mean bowling on a Friday night with possibly ND dc was like trying to learn to drive on an F1 track during a race so high five for being ambitious!!

It seems like you and the dc would all prefer something more chill so just go from there. I don’t know if you have any forestry commission places near you but they have great adventure play trails and I’ve found those are good for mixed age play dates as kids from about 3-11 all like them. You usually just pay for parking.

I would find that difficult too and afaik I’m NT but I would worry if she said no that it was because she couldn’t afford to but now her dc would have to watch mine eat. What I’d find easier would be to agree it ahead of time. So something like “ looking forward to seeing you on Friday- btw shall we buy the kids some dinner there or would you prefer to just take snacks and they can eat at home later”. Then it gives her space to say no without being on the spot.

Getting out there and spending time with people to try to turn acquaintances into friends is tough.

When people move to a new town it's hard for everyone to put themselves out there and many people are reluctant to move because of it.

If you are feeling depressed then you are probably feeling quite anxious about social situations as well.

It is worth getting out there but are there easier activities you can try? Pp have mentioned going to a park and letting your kids play naturally with other kids that are there (or not).

Are there playgrounds near you where you could meet a friend and their kids for half an hour after school?

It can feel challenging when we feel awkward about putting our own boundaries in place. But stating our needs and expectations is a good thing. It can feel freeing as everyone knows what to expect and prevent us feeling depleted.

You are not being impolite be stating when your are doing and enquiring if they want to do the same. You are giving them the chance to do what is best for them and their family. They can say yes or no, that is up to them. It sounds like the pizza felt like a compromise to everyone rather than a treat for all, taking the joy out of the moment.

Luckily being assertive is a learnable skill. You might find it challenging now. But that doesn’t have to always be the case. ASD units in schools do a lot of work on teaching social interaction, with good outcomes.

If you are ND it might be burnout not depression. If the burnout is caused by social camouflaging then trying to force social interaction is going to make you feel worse. This might not be the best time to be pursuing new friendships and play dates. Finding the right social network can be helpful, but if you are ND that might be with other ND people. Likewise, if your daughter has ASD then that will likely be the same for her. You'll know when you're with the right people because you won't be constantly questioning everything you do and trying to fit in, you'll feel relaxed and connected and able to be authentic (that's true whether your ND or not, but especially people who are ND due to social camouflaging/masking)

I’ve had this OP. At times when I was really low. Desperately want to make friends but then meet people and it doesn’t go as hoped/ is stressful and come away feeling worse and really shit about myself.

Don’t know that I have any advice. Except that removing yourself further from social interaction will in the long term makes things worse.

It sucks, it makes you feel shit, but there really is no alternative e but to keep meeting people until you find those you feel more in tune with.

This visual might be helpful. It specifies autistic burnout but other ND people can also experience burnout eg. ADHD, OCD, Dyslexia, Tourette's, etc. as well as NT people can also suffer burnout due to stress or trauma.