To feel sadder the more I see people

[recluse2024]

I’ve got depression, I’m having therapy and advice on mumsnet previously has been to “get back out there and see friends etc.”.

however yesterday’s attempt to see a friend and her kids along with mine was an epic failure (see previous thread for more details). It’s just got me wondering should I just distance myself from people till I’m feeling better or choose who I’m spending time with more carefully? I’ve had other interactions recently with others that I haven’t written about which also made me feel low and I met them alone without their or my kids but I still feel the same the next day - low, sad, upset and next day I feel even sadder than I was feeling before I go. I think I’m done with people for now.

The aim of doing more to help lift your mood when depressed is to find things that lift your mood. It's not always as simple as 'getting back out there'.
Speak to your GP and ask for a referral for CBT or Behavioural Activation (most therapist trained in CBT are also trained in BA).
As PP have said, sounds like a difficult situation. It would have definitely impacted on my mood!
The other thing to remember is small steps. Again, as PP have said, something like a trip to the park might work better. You're still getting out there and doing something (and could be more fun for the kids, as well as more pleasurable for you).

Do you ask the other parent about buying food or just get worried and go ahead with offering to buy for all? I.e in that situation I'd say something like 'my two are getting hungry, are yours? Just wondering if something from the cafe might be a good plan?'

That gives them the chance to join in but isn't an offer to buy theirs, then if they say 'no we're going to wait till we get home' you can say 'ok, do you mind if we go ahead anyway to keep 'h'anger away?' which makes it clear what you're doing and they don't feel like you've been rude by not giving them the chance to do the same.
If they say 'yeah good idea' you can say 'do you want to order yours first, I'll keep an eye on the kids'

To be fair though bowling is not a quick thing so there's no way I'd expect kids that age to get through it without food so I'd have agreed when planning it with the other mum we'd feed the kids their tea there (or not), and if not, I'd be armed with a collection of snacks I know will mean they can happily wait till they get home.

You and your DC sound very similar to me and my DC. Who are your 'safe' people? TBH me and the DC only really spend time with our 'safe' people.

We're lucky that DC share a 'best friend' and her mum is one of my safe people. We usually get together to play board games and drinks and snacks at home. The DC will ho off to play computer games sometimes.

We do sometimes venture out at weekends or in school holidays, but usually something that's mainly outside or a museum where you can find lots of space.

Outside of the one safe family, the DC have a couple of other friends that come over after school occasionally and I have a couple of people I meet for an hour or 2 sometimes.

Don't push yourself too hard at this stage if it's not working out. Have a look if there are any ASD meet up groups local to you.

So sorry you are feeling this way. Depression and burnout are both horrific and impossible to understand what it's like if you haven't experienced them first hand. I want to send you a huge soothing hug OP!

When you are low on confidence, hope and energy then new social situations are particularly difficult to navigate and as you've found can make you feel worse. Feeling stuck at home alone with the kids is no good either though for you or for them. Something I found really helpful was to get involved with community activities that welcome families and children. Examples are community gardens/allotments/farms, charity projects, village libraries, tree planting, support for refugees, groups that cook for the homeless.

Getting to know people whilst focusing on doing something positive together felt much more relaxing for me because if I didn't know what to say socially then I could talk about the task/project. Often at these things there are other adults who will engage with the children and support and encourage them, giving you space to find your own connections. Also there is a feelgood factor from achieving or contributing something which helped my confidence. My favourite are outdoor activities because fresh air and nature is also really helpful for mental health and I get overstimulated by noisy indoor environments.

Thank you so much everyone. I just feel really bad again today. I wouldn’t have felt like this usually, yes a little down but not completely broken like I do today. I’m thinking of muting all my WhatsApp notifications and just zoning out today.

I think you need to identify your triggers and try to plan for them, minimising any opportunities for awkwardness in advance. So, if you're meeting another family, avoid meal times, feed your DC first and be clear with them you will not be eating out, for example. That's the pressure about paying removed for starters! Look upon each interaction that hasn't proved helpful and identify what went wrong and reflect on whether it could be improved in future. Sometimes as above, it will be a practical change. Other times, it will be because personalities didn't gel, and you can avoid those people in future. Don't write off everyone and all social events though, as when you can get them to work, they're very important for MH.

Thank you all.

Personally I really disagree with the "put yourself out there" advice that most people go for. A gentle step out of your comfort zone when you're in a good headspace is one thing, brute forcing yourself out if it when you're not is quite another.

I think you may need to lower your expectations here. The goal is get out, see people, do things you used to enjoy or think you might one day. But, if you are feeling low and anxious at the moment- don't expect to enjoy it all. What you did was really stressful and you survived it! Its a huge achievement. I agree with pp who feel you might benefit from some talking therapy- a lot of the stress from this experience seems to have come after the event when your thoughts about what has happened started to run away with you- there are really good techniques you can use to manage that.

You’ve had a lot of good advice on this thread op, but I just wanted to say - sometimes play dates are shit, and sometimes everything runs smoothly. Don’t worry about the bad ones. I’ve had some shockers (with both the parents and the kids!) but also some really lovely ones where the kids go off and play and the mums can have a coffee in peace.

Your kids have a decent age gap between them too, so one activity might not suit all. Bowling is a lot - loud, lots of rules and can get boring after a while. Dont overthink the food thing either, who cares what the kids did and didn’t like, they’ll survive!

I know exactly what you mean by awkwardness, I hate situations like this as well....but all we can do is what we think is best at the time, we all get it right and we all get it wrong. I think you acted perfectly appropriately!

From your other thread, I don’t think you can let one play date affect all the others. Some will be good, some bad. However they can be expensive so YANBU to feel miserable about it.

This thread. Why on earth are you buying other children food…. I would simply say we are going to break for food now. We’ll be back soon. I’m presuming the other parent is there.
Could you take a packed lunch/snack instead so they get something and then go to a cafe /restaurant with your children later. I would absolutely not feel pressured to buy other children food! I wouldn’t let another parent buy food anyway, if they did I would give them half. Says more about them than you. I can see why you don’t want to go.

You won’t gel with everyone, nobody does. You need to find your people and not cheeky fookers!

I would focus on having some nice outings with just you and your kids first to lift your spirits a bit. Then when you are in a better head space you can try again with play dates. Just focus on your little family for now and try and do something nice the 3 of you today or tomorrow. If that’s a success it will give you a boost. Forget socialising for now until you’re ready. Take the pressure off x