Anyone else here who is afraid of ending up alone and childless?

[YouWontKnowMyName]

And not because of your own choosing or being picky.

As in no one wants you?

I already have a deppression like sadness because of this, but now I’m truly starting to panic (as in panic attacks, I’m not saying that to be dramatic) that I’ll never have love / partner and kid(s).

And scared to get old and be alone.
We have a very small family, I’m an only child and really, my parents are the only family memebers I have and they are getting older.

@Createausername1970 this is true, I haven't reached out enough at times. Glad that you're happy now.

@YouWontKnowMyName go for what you want, it's not outside your grasp.

I'm single at 53. Can't see myself ever meeting anybody,my plan is to focus on becoming a bit braver, getting out of my comfort zone. Last weekend I only spoke to people at an exercise class. But I wasn't unhappy either. I do feel lonely sometimes but it's fleeting, whereas the misery and loneliness I felt with my x was almost constant.

But the Op .specifucally not by choice
She acknowledged there will.be single and child free people who.are perfectly content with their lives
But that's not what she wants .

I'm sorry OP, I don't understand why should anyone be scared of this.

Because most human adults crave intimacy.

There are definitely advantages to being single, but for many people, there are disadvantages too. It's all very well and good having an active social life, passions, hobbies, fantastic friends and those things undoubtedly make for a fulfilled and happy life whether someone is in a couple/family unit or single, but it's disingenuous to 'not understand' or acknowledge that many people want to find 'their person' to share their life with and want to give and receive romantic love.

Yes, that’s why I asked if the OP would rather not get responses from women like me.

I felt like this and ended up having a child with a sperm donor. Best thing I ever did, but I know it's not for everybody.

I don’t know how old you are, and that does make a difference, but when I look back on my single years I am struck by how much fun they were and how much freedom I had, yet I spent my whole time feeling desperate because I didn’t have a boyfriend. What I mean to say is: I know you don’t want to be single, but feeling upset about it isn’t going to make things any better. In fact, it’s probably counterproductive. The happier you are in your own skin the more attractive you will be to other people. I wish you all the best, and I hope you find someone to settle down with, but in the meantime make the most of what you’ve got because it’s a much better use of your time - and it will increase your chances of finding what you want.

I'm single, haven't found someone yet. Working on the child aspect with IVF though. The great thing about today is that you don't need a man to have a baby.

Im 37 single have been for years my baby has moved out and i love it.
I dont think i could live with a man too much drama.
I love my time now i dont get bored or alone do what i please.

Hi OP

I feel exactly like this. I have been single for a very long time. I have tried online dating, meeting people in person but no one is ever interested in me. I have now missed my chance to have children which makes me really sad but I also suspect that I will never meet anyone now. All my friends have families of their own and I feel I am facing a lonely future when I would have really loved to have someone to share things with.

xx

As someone that has my child young at 20. I want to highlight that the first 10 years is pretty lonely. Especially as I chose a terrible man who I spilt up with after a few years and became a single parent anyway.

The only way to not feel lonely was by having great friendships and being around people. This looked like joining clubs and taking on passion projects and being intentional. I was single for almost a decade and I’d say if I didn’t have my daughter I built a life that meant that I had so much to give to others aswell.

You mention the depression - I think this is what is at the centre of it all. I’d say maybe trying councelling and putting a plan in place to put yourself out there - not to find a man but to find yourself first.

It is very hard with depression. I had post natal depression and a depressive episode when daughter was young. But I’d say making an effort to have at least once class you go to - it could be at your library or a short course.

If being with someone and having children is important, work towards it but don’t put too much pressure on it. Focus on you and you will attract the right people.

If a partner and a child is the life that you want, then that is what you should push for. Yes, there are no guarantees it'll all work out, but if that's what you want that's what you want and there's no reason you can't get that. It sounds incredibly clichéd but you will have to work on yourself and your own confidence and happiness first- it doesn't sound from what you've said that you're in the best frame of mind to be putting yourself out there and enjoying it. Like other posters have suggested, join clubs, get out there and meet new people and you never know what could happen in a short space of time. Good luck OP x

Hi Op,

Sorry to hear this is causing you difficulties – I have been through something very similar of late and have some thoughts to share:

• You could definitely still meet a partner. I am mid – late 30s and met my first ever partner last year! Things are going very well, and I am hoping to spend my life with him, however there is of course still the worry that if anything were to happen to him, I would be on my own (I am an only child too).
• It’s not your ‘fault’ that you are an only child and therefore haven’t been handed in life as much family as others have. For a while I was blaming myself for being so alone! I am not sure if you feel like that, but please don’t. It's definitely a really tough position to be in, and I do sometimes wonder if parents really consider the possible future implications of having an only child. If that child isn't lucky enough to meet a partner / have children, then they will at some point be on their own (at least in terms of family). It's no fault of your own that you find yourself in your current position - life is basically a series of random events and luck.
• I am not convinced that the advice you have received about having a child on your own is good. I have thought too that having a child would solve my ‘problem’ (fear of loneliness, especially in old age) however I just don’t feel it would be fair to bring a child into the world with so little family (in my case my partner is also an only child so there would be no extended family).
• As others have said, a partner and children are actually no guarantee of company and support in old age. Your child could predecease you, they could move to the other side of the world, they could have severe disability which means that you would need to be their carer for the rest of your life. Plus life is hardly likely to be easy for them - with the cost of living etc they may be working long hours / multiples jobs etc, leaving them little time to spend with you.
• Do you have any hobbies / interests through which you could join groups and clubs and make friends (and of course possibly meet a partner)? I've heard about people making great and supportive friendships and relationships through sports clubs. Also, my own mother is part of the WI and they all seem very supportive of one another. They have 'sub groups' too - things like art group, walking group, film groups etc. My mum doesn't partake in all of those, but if she did, she could be basically out every day of the week with a group of likeminded people enjoying social activities.
• Maybe try making friends online too. I have been using Bumble BFF (the app has three parts - a dating section, a friendship section and a business section). I have chatted to a few nice people through the BFF part, and one in particular has the potential to develop into a good friend.
• Have you thought about where you might like to live when you are older? I have my eye on moving to a retirement village with nice surroundings, company and support.
• How about maybe volunteering with a charity like Age Concern which runs a befriending service for older people? It might help you to gain some insight into how you could plan and prepare for your older years. I read a comment here on Mumsnet from someone who had done this and she said it had helped make her feel more positive about her future, as all the older people she had spoken to were upbeat and happy and taking steps to meet new people despite not having much family.

Also, maybe have a look at these threads which I started. They are on a similar theme and will hopefully provide some useful advice:
Page 2 | Childfree only child | Mumsnet
Where to find a strong sense of community and make a difference | Mumsnet

I hope this helps, and I send you my very best wishes. Also happy to chat via DM if you like. x

Hi, I am a 37 year old only child. I have no children as have PCOS and endo. I am in a relationship with a man 25 years older then me and my parents are 70 & 81. My OH children don't have a relationship with me, they barely have a relationship with their father. I never had that overwhelming urge to be a mum, I guess I took it for granted that it would just 'happen' one day. It was only when I got in my first serious relationship with my COH that I had ' that' feeling. He had had the snip many years earlier so I always knew that it wouldn't happen with him, but I fell head over heels in love with him that it was a chemical and biological reaction that there must be a way for us to make a family. There is no other way to describe it. The grief I felt in mourning a family I never had the chance to make was all encompassing. I felt my womanhood and femininity slip away along with my self woth. Not only did my body not work like it should, it could not do the one thing a female body was born to do, but I had chosen a man who, at a quarter of century older then me, had already 'done' the family and married life and was baring the scars for it. Within all of this, my biggest fear is being left alone in this world. No one to recount stories with, reminisce, love or look after in the coming years. I feel my parents are the only ones who will ever love me for who I am, as I am an emotionally charged empath.

I am frightened of my future and always have been.

I feel like I have created relationships that I know will end up causing me extreme sadness.

@Sho86 I am so sorry to hear all this. I can absolutely relate to the fear of being left all alone in the world. I am the same age as you and have no children. I think all we can do is focus on making strong and lasting friendships - possibly with those in a similar situation. And plan as best we can for where we would like to live in the future. I would like to move to a retirement village where there would be support and a community of people around me. I absolutely understand the fear though. It's tough being an only child. If you would like to chat more, please feel free to DM me.

Our happiness depends on ourselves. Human relationships (friendships, family and romantic) take an effort. They take a certain amount of turning outwards and away from ourselves but also working on ourselves so we have something to offer. To be absolutely brutal, I wouldn’t enter a relationship with someone who was having panic attacks over not being in a relationship. It wouldn’t be a healthy situation for me to put myself in so I wouldn’t do it. I don’t think the sort of who would do that would be a good long term partner.
You sound like you are in a huge rut, but you know where you want to end up - more and better connections and a family with children of your own. I would suggest building up a much stronger and wider external life for yourself. Join groups, build better relationships with existing friends you may have let slip away, do classes, develop new interests, volunteer, travel with an organised group. When you are in a happier and stronger place you may find romance comes, or you may be able to chase it down through online dating and other connections.
You don’t say how old you are but you have to be realistic about how long you can wait for a partner before having a biological child of your own. You may want to look into alternatives such as sperm donation and egg freezing but you need to be robustly mentally well and self sufficient to have a child alone. A baby isn’t a loneliness cure and nobody should be born with a job to do.
You say it’s not a choice, and I understand what you are saying. The situation you are in is not now you would have chosen. Not doing anything to get out of it is 100% a choice. Nobody will knock on your door offering you a date. Nobody will roll out a red carpet for you to glide into friendships. You have to do it yourself, and it’s not easy. You might feel worse for a time, standing in the doorway of the pottery class desperate for someone to welcome you in, or not wanting to come out of the changing room at aqua fit wishing you’d never come, plucking up the courage to say something to the other solitary viewer in the cinema only to have them scuttle away, it might feel like you are getting nowhere but you will, softly and slowly, but only you can do it.

Did you ever ? IME the world is full of willing sperm donors.

I'm single and childless.
Childless by choice, pretty much at least, single not so much. Having said that, I'm not as lonely now as I was in my last relationship.
And I can't for now, for various reasons, but I hope to set up a houseshare situation when I make my next move. Not quite sure how it would work but a place where we can have our own space but some common space too.
Also, where we could have dogs but be free to go on holiday once a year knowing that the dogs would be well looked after and able to stay in their own home.
Just got to find someone to share with me now!

Don't know if that sort of thing might potentially work for you @YouWontKnowMyName

@Neurodiversitydoctor currently 12 weeks pregnant with my first child conceived with donor sperm. I want a baby and most people I see in relationships are struggling especially with children thrown in.

Congratulations, using donor sperm ( or a FWB) isn't IVF though, women have been doing it for decades.

@Neurodiversitydoctor I know women have been using turkey basters and fwb to get pregnant for decades. I used IVF with donor sperm because I wanted the safety of not having to find the right person to trust or worrying about STDs or someone changing their mind.
It was definitely IVF I did. Only IVF or ICSI give you a beautiful picture of the embryo they're going to transfer. I have a treasured d5 blastocyst picture of the baby currently inside me.

OP, I answered above. I'm 52, single, childless and largely content.

I desperately wanted a baby. I desperately wanted my marriage to work. Sadly, I didn't get what I wanted.

Best of luck

This is a complete derailment. I am glad IVF was the right choice for you. However it is disengenous to say that " nowadays" you don't need a man to have a baby - you never did.