Anyone else here who is afraid of ending up alone and childless?

[YouWontKnowMyName]

And not because of your own choosing or being picky.

As in no one wants you?

I already have a deppression like sadness because of this, but now I’m truly starting to panic (as in panic attacks, I’m not saying that to be dramatic) that I’ll never have love / partner and kid(s).

And scared to get old and be alone.
We have a very small family, I’m an only child and really, my parents are the only family memebers I have and they are getting older.

Been there. Still there.

But honestly, it's the best life once you'll get used to it. Find the bonuses, the blessings and the reasons to be cheerful. Ask your married friends what bits of your life they envy. Ask them what bits of their life they hate. I did this, I had to TEACH myself why I should enjoy it, like a list of facts and reasons I told myself. Activities I forced myself to do, being miserable as sin until I actually started to enjoy them. 3 hour bath reading a good book in peace? Viennetta for breakfast because you have no children to set a good example to? Trip to the cinema to watch that film no-one else wanted to see? Wander round the Trafford Centre after work rather than home to feed a grizzly toddler?

It takes a strong heart to live alone, but my god, it's flippin fantastic!

@YouWontKnowMyName I get it, I really do. It feels like online all single people are happy and having this wonderful life, but it's not true for some of us.

Im older than you, in my 50's now and have been single mostly since my marriage ended at 30. I'd love to be with someone, but men never seem interested in me. I certainly haven't got a body like a porn star (WTF) and don't even get any married men wanting to shag me (which also seems to be something that happens frequently on here!). I'm just alone and invisible and it makes me miserable.

I can't give any help, sorry, but just wanted you to know someone else gets it.

It seems like several different issues that you have tied up together. What do you want to focus on?

Do you want a romantic partner, and if so, are you sitting at home and waiting for someone to knock on the door or are you putting yourself out there to meet someone? Making the first move, internet dating, speed dating, singles nights/holidays, asking friends to set you up on blind dates?

Do you want a child? If so, have you looked at options that would allow you to do this alone? Adoption, fostering, donor sperm?

Do you want to feel less lonely? Do you have a good friendship group? Do you have hobbies or clubs that fill your time and take you out of the house?

Think about what you want and then plan a plan of how to get from where you are to where you want to be. Nothing will change until you change it so think about anything you can do to change your life in the direction you want it to take.

I am married but have potential fertility problems. I am also an immigrant. so I could very well end up alone in old age (touch wood!) if i don't have children and dh is all i have. DH's siblings have almost all left the uk so its only his mum and youngest sister here. Could really end up here with no family if DH doesn't have a long healthy life.

I am someone who married at 22. Am 31 now. the thing with life is that you never know what could happen even if you have a partner and there are no guarantees. I think what is important is to make the most of what you have

Now I want viennetta for breakfast!

As in no one wants you?

When did you develop this belief?

alone and childless at 40 here. no possibility of children in the future as I have had to have an ablation. relationship extremely unlikely for various reasons, and also not something I am looking for or really wanting one either. would have loved a baby, but made my peace with it now

agree with PP who said no guarantee that you won't be lonely in a relationship and I can tell you it's far worse.

I'm happy and settled and do whatever the fuck I want at any given time. its glorious. don't fear it, embrace it. if kids and men come your way, so be it - but feeling like your happiness is conditional on those things happening only creates unhappiness

You can have a child on your own. Don’t wait for Mr Right if time is the issue. Freeze your eggs. Consider a future not dictated by societal norms. Judging by loads of posts on here lots of men abandon ship anyway when the going gets tough.

Just live day by day and don't worry about the future it has not arrived yet?
Nobody knows what's round the corner.
There is an organization called Ageing without Children if you didn't know. Xx

No. There is nothing wrong with being alone. And friends are just as important as family (I'd say, more so). Life is what we make of it.

Yes. I am single, have dated various men over the years and often come to the conclusion that they find my home more attractive than me, so things end up drifting away. I see a lot on dating sites the dream of getting a smallholding, living in the country or similar- and now know to steer well clear. Also of the divorcees who are looking for a new home 🙄, it’s very telling that I am much more attractive to men now than when I was younger, skinnier and nicer…

I am worried about ending up alone, I am worried that I am going to end up having to become a career for my parents through their old age because I am single whereas my brother has “his own family”. I fucking hate the expression “his own family” by the way, as if the life I have created for myself doesn’t hit the mark. I feel the weight of expectation to give up my life to car for my parents which I don’t want to do.

I am content and happy now, but am a little frightened at what living alone could look like when I am older and less fit.

Just wanted to say OP that you're allowed to feel how you feel. If you want to be in a relationship and have children but instead are single and childless then yes that totally sucks and I'm sorry you aren't happy. I agree that online people all talk about how awful men are and relationships but yes in real life I know mostly happy couples and see plenty around when I'm out (often with way too much PDA but hey ho). So no, it's not you, it's normal to want those things. I hope things improve for you and you find happiness wherever that is.

This was me until about 7 months ago. I had an interesting and fulfilled life, a good job, wonderful friends and family. But despite this, and with my late 30s approaching, I longed for a loving relationship. I too would lay awake at night and panic about never achieving this. As an introvert who struggles making new friends and after 15 odd years single, I knew I wasn't going to meet someone randomly - online felt like my best option. I spent a while getting ready to put myself out there again, I transformed my health and took up running, made an effort with taking photos that showed me and my lifestyle in its best light (I'm pretty enough but not a beauty and wanted to give myself the best chance), paid to give my profile extra prominence, was consistent with swiping and chatting to people every day, kept an open mind about what i was looking for, and learned how to mirror someone's energy and not come across too strongly which was a past mistake of mine. I went on dates with three lovely men including my now partner who is the best person I've ever known. We're bessoted with eachother and talking about building a life together. Despite all that, I would say there are definitely things I miss about my single life so there are definitely tradeoffs. None of this might be for you but its what worked for me.

I worry about this for my daughter.

Single adult, no children, no other family except me and my ex ( her dad)

I am alone but not childless - however my only child is severely disabled.

There are no guarantees in life. You could have children but not have the life you envisaged.

I try to make the most of my freedom now. I had a difficult marriage and now I cherish living alone and being able to meet friends, do hobbies as I please.

@YouWontKnowMyName string human connection don't have to be with people who are related to you. Have hobbies, put energy into building relationships. You can almost become someone else's family although I appreciate it's not the same

I'm sorry OP, I don't understand why should anyone be scared of this.
I'm child free, not childless, married and would choose to live alone in a second.
It was the best way to live, at least for me.
😊

@Patrickiscrazy it's quite peaceful isn't it

Just because it hasn't happened yet doesn't mean it won't ever happen. Life can change on a sixpence. Can you maybe take on a second job at the weekends, l worked behind the bar in a nice hotel/ pub and that's where l met so many different people and it's also where l met my husband. I also met a nice crowd of people at a local beginners running group. Cycling and rowing groups are also fun, keep you fit and attract decent people. You don't have to commit just contact them and say can you come along some time, see if it's your thing, most sports groups are very friendly.
My friend met her partner at a pub quiz.
Life hardly ever goes to plan, l think you have to accept you'll be happy whatever, but no reason not to give the above a try.
I am in my 50s and now happily single, after being widowed many years, but l know obviously l am at a different life stage from you.
I wish you all the best.

Would maybe believe you, if you actually were single and lived alone.

To other commenters who had to try and be smart.
You do realize that for some it isin’t actually achoice.
Just wished people would try and keep that in mind.

For me, living single & childfree with cats after my divorce was a very active choice. But I do recognise that I’m not everybody and I’m very sorry you’re feeling like this, I hope things get better for you and that some of the advice on this thread will help.

The advice I would give to my younger self, when I was childless and single, is concentrate on building your life the way you want it to be. Get involved with local activities to get to know local people, take up hobbies, check out the classes offered at night school and sign up for a couple that take your fancy. But also be adventurous, go on holidays to far flung places. Get out there and experience life in all its glory.

That's what I wished I had done.

I am happily married now, and wouldn't change that, but I do regret that I didn't make more of the opportunities that not being in a relationship offers.

Honestly there is no guarantee even if you marry and have children. That doesn't mean you shouldn't try to achieve your goals. Pursue your hobbies, interests in as social a manner as you can but be authentic with it. Put your best effort into online dating, dating agencies if you can afford it. Put the best effort into yourself. I mean there are a lot of lonely men - doesn't mean they will be good partners to be sure but you are not alone.

As an introvert who loves time alone and seeing most of the low level bad behaviour I can't tolerate from men I can't really see me in a relationship with most people. I mean even the best relationships I see just do not look worth it. Unless I have a partner that sees me as a person and pulls his weight I don't see motherhood as great either.

Are you dating OP? As in online and trying to find a partner? Your situation sounds tricky as you have said you have a tiny family. Being a single mum to the wrong person also comes with a set of problems too! Choose wisely although sometimes you genuinely don't know till it's too late.

It's a gamble, most abuse starts in pregnancy/after kids/marriage/when a man thinks you are trapped and vulnerable right? I think a problem can come before then if a man thinks you are desperate and will settle for anything.

I actually think all this pressure to 'choose right' is not great on women, many men are not great candidates (some obvious, some not) and some women still just want a man, any man.