Anyone else here who is afraid of ending up alone and childless?

[YouWontKnowMyName]

And not because of your own choosing or being picky.

As in no one wants you?

I already have a deppression like sadness because of this, but now I’m truly starting to panic (as in panic attacks, I’m not saying that to be dramatic) that I’ll never have love / partner and kid(s).

And scared to get old and be alone.
We have a very small family, I’m an only child and really, my parents are the only family memebers I have and they are getting older.

Being married or in a relationship is no guarantee that you won't be lonely. In fact I can assure you that you would feel far more lonely in the wrong relationship.

I am 'alone and childless' and in my 50s. I have a great life.

The loneliest I've ever been is I my marriage.

I feel you OP.

The thing is, you can't force it, I have a few single friends and they all say the same thing. These are not bad looking ladies, they take care of themselves and one has the body of a flipping porn star.

But they almost never get approached by men, like ever. I have no idea what's going on out there, it seems from what they say that "men" have just stopped looking for partner/wife situations. Maybe it's an age thing, they are all early 30s, could be the "I need to get married and pregnant NOW" type of vibe that puts men off. TBH they can't exactly wait around either though, it's a tough situation.

No advice I'm afraid. There definitely is a whole different dynamic out there now regarding men.

Used to be bit of boob or a short dress was enough to get some attention, now it seems my friends could walk into a room naked and the men still wouldn't look at them.

Definitely had these types of thoughts when I was younger but, now, in my 40s, I am pretty comfortable with being alone (I am never lonely). I have a diverse set of hobbies and interests, a job I love. My partner is just a bonus and while I would hate to lose him, I know that I will be absolutely fine being alone.

@Hereyoume what a strange way to look at dating. I probably wouldn't think that a man who launches himself at boobs and a short dress is a marriage material anyway. And why do your friends wait to be approached by men? Why not be a bit more proactive, try online dating, go to meetup interest groups and chat up a cute guy in a Tesco queue?

As others have said, a romantic relationship is no guarantee against loneliness. A partner is not a silver bullet. We all need a strong network of friends, colleagues and family to enrich our lives. Family we get what we are given. Friends are our "logical" rather than "biological" family. The family we choose. I understand your fear but if you focus on building and nourishing friendships I really believe that is the best way to avoid loneliness.

Reciprocal giving, where you give and receive and each acknowledge and appreciate the other for it - is the key to happiness and the best antidote to loneliness. Be that giving time, energy or practical support. That is what friendships are so good for!

This is so obviously written by a man. Porn star body? Walking into a bar naked? Fantasy central 🤮

Snap.

I felt like this in my mid thirties after splitting up with my ex. Never enough to consider getting back with him but enough to start making plans for a single life forever.

I met DH at 37, married at 39, and had DC at 43 (after a number of miscarriages.

We are currently living as happily ever after as you can with a toddler and no sleep.

DH is not someone I thought I would end up with. He has his foibles (don’t we all). But he cares about me, makes me laugh, look after me when I am sick and is a great dad to our child.

I definitely didn’t lower my standards in dating him (if anything, I raised my standards), but I did change them.

Oh god.

I was kind of scared that the answers would be like this.
Tha’s why I pointed out the fear and the fact that it’s not by choice.

But I really wanted to see or get actual advice maybe when in comes to loneliness and the fears, rather than people with partners clearly unable to relate.

And yes I know, online everyone’s marriage is miserable, but that’s not really the whole truth in real life.

You've only had 7 replies so far, and only one from someone talking about their marriage and baby at 43. Give it time.

I had this as I turned 33; real blind panic. At times it consumed me and I made myself really unhappy. So I went for counselling which helped me realise I had things in my life that were worthy of enjoyment and love and good friends.

I then opened myself up more and started going out and meeting more people. Found my one after that but I think I would have been ok either way.

I can't have kids and I've been single for a long time, so I relate. The main problem for me is how fricking expensive it is. My friends and colleagues are pretty much all in long term relationships or marriages and they have so much more money than I do, and the women all seem to be able to pursue passion projects because they don't have to work all the hours God sends. There's a real sense of security that they seem to have that I don't, because I'm all I have to rely on.

But on the other hand, I do quite like answering to nobody. I like having my own routine, doing what I want when I want without having to think about somebody else. I also enjoy peace and quiet. So I think perhaps I was made for this life.

I'd also say that having a spouse and kids doesn't guarantee you won't be alone in old age. I saw a tiktok this week from a childfree woman in her 60s talking about how a friend of hers had just died and the people who were there for her, day in and day out, were her friends. Her children not so much.

Lastly - we have a childfree/childless board here called MNetters without children. Lots of women there living great lives without kids, if you want some inspiration!

Would you also rather not have replies from women who are doing it by choice?

Jesus I hope not! 🤣🤣🤣🤣

My DH will be very disappointed! 🤣🤣🤣

Might be a good idea to consider why your post reeks of misogyny then.

Most of us end up alone and childless.
Those that have kids don’t keep them forever, they move out, relationships/marriages often end or people get widowed, so I’m sure most people fear being alone at some point.

Im 42 and pretty much alone, my dc are adults (one moved out and one disabled, not verbal), I don’t have a husband or a partner. Yes I do fear that I will be alone forever but I do have friends and I do have hobbies, I’m not actually sure I could handle living with someone else 😬. It can be lonely at times but it can also be amazing at times.

Nothing is worse than being in a bad relationship. However I completely understand the sadness of being childless if that is not what you want.

I had my only ds when I was 45. I've had a fab time raising him and he will probably head off to university in two years time.

Then I will be alone and I will retire. But single retired women tend to be much happier than married ones, on average. I'm looking forward to it. 🙂

Decades of dealing with selfish lazy unpleasant men have taught me to enjoy my own company, & the world around me.

Have you thought about having a baby solo? It is not impossible. And your dps would be thrilled, I'm sure.

I'm single and childless at 51. I don't know why. Plenty of men have told me they don't understand why I never married (no one ever asked, especially no one I'd have said yes to - I've been single a lot.)

I focus on friendships and activities out of work. I have never understood how people can get bored on their own - there are so any things to do. I have travelled to places I want to, done things I'm interested in.

You can have a baby alone if that's what you really want.

And being single is far better than being in some of the relationships friends have been in with violent men. There are worse things than being single and childless- embrace the freedom and get on with your life. You're more likely to end up in a relationship if happy and fulfilled and busy.

I am childless (not for want of trying), and single (for the last 3 years). I am lonely sometimes, and would like to find someone. I had early menopause, so the kids ship has totally sailed.... but, I think I would like to meet someone.
(Un?)Luckily, a couple of my closest friends are also single and childless, so we think we'll have a disgraceful old lady time together.

How old are you?

What is your dating history like?

I would carry on trying to find a man to have a relationship with but I’d also focus on meeting friends too.

Try joining as many clubs and hobbies as you can.

This will allow you to make friends but also potentially find a man too and very often people meet their new partners through their friends too.

I think you’re confusing several things together, and it might be helpful to think about them separately.

’Lonely’ is not the same as ‘single’— if you’re lonely, put some work into nourishing your friendships, and making new ones, and spending time around people you like.

Having a child doesn’t have to be in the context of a relationship. Ideally, you might only want to have children with someone you’re in a committed relationship with, but it’s worth keeping in mind that you have other options, should you decide to explore them.

Bear in mind that you wouldn’t be having a child for company in old age. I strongly hope DS is exploring the world when I’m old, not restricted by wherever I happen to be living.

What are you doing about finding a relationship?

Though I can’t imagine that your current panicky depression is appealing to potential partners. I would work on that first. Someone in a happier headspace is in a much better position to find a partner.

"I would carry on trying to find a man to have a relationship with but I’d also focus on meeting friends too.

Try joining as many clubs and hobbies as you can.

This will allow you to make friends but also potentially find a man too and very often people meet their new partners through their friends too."

+++

This is great advice from @Trulyme

Yes I understand that you want to find a man but with the above advice if all else fails then you'll still end up with a great network of friends.

Plus it will do wonders for your own self confidence which in turn will make dating that much easier.

It really is good advice.

It wasn't right for me to have children but I would have thought I'd meet a companion in due course. I seem to get asked out by much younger men though.

How old are you OP? Sounds like you need to spread your wings a little and meet more people. Stay positive.

Having children is no guarantee you'll end up any less lonely. They could move away, be estranged or just not good at visiting

How old are you?

I used to worry about this a lot until I turned 37 and found out that I can’t actually have kids - felt like the pressure was taken off slightly and now two years later I actually don’t think I want them anyway! I don’t feel I struggle to get male attention but I struggle to find someone I actually want that attention from! Maybe I am picky I don’t know…

@fitzwilliamdarcy your post really resonated with me - I’m living alone in what is really a family sized house and my mortgage will go up again later this year. It’s hard when you have no one to split living costs with!