To think settling isn’t that bad?

[theprincessthepea]

I’m probably writing this to feel better about my life choices. However I feel like I am going down the route of settling with someone. I guess the opposite would be finding a “soul mate” being madly in love and going for it.

I love my partner, I found out I was pregnant after being together for 4 years and I really enjoy his company and he is also a really good guy. We have similar values. He is mature. We do have a good time. I feel like I’m settling because he isn’t who I would normally go for physically. But everything else is a tick.

I don’t feel like I’m madly in love though, I love him and us. I feel comfortable and happy.

Whereas when I think of my first long term relationship (who fathered my now teen daughter). He was my type on paper. I did go through a phase where I was madly in love. We clicked, the relationship was exciting but his personality was awful in the end - he was emotionally and financially abusive. Never spent time at home and was always “busy” “working”. Although a lot of people around me said we could have been good together (and that he will mature because men take longer to blah blah) and his excuse was that I needed to be more supportive and help him become the man he needs to be BS - he was terrible behind closed doors. From speaking to his mum and him not showing up for his daughter - he hasn’t changed.

I keep being told “never to settle” and find the one (whatever that means). However how long is one to wait if you find a decent partner and are committed to doing life together?

Im not thinking of leaving my partner - I’m more so hoping to hear about “growing in love”

AIBU to believe settling isn’t that bad?
What is the definition of settling anyway?

Unreasonable - Never settle!
Not Unreasonable - Nothing wrong with it, it’s life.

I vote not unreasonable
you sound happy and happy with your life.

It doesn’t sound like you’re ‘settling’ as your DP’a personality/values align with yours, you say you get on really well and have a good time together. Sounds like you’re just not that physically attracted to him?

In theory it doesn't sound so bad, however my ex H 'settled' with me. I didn't know of course. Never felt quite good enough over the years and as soon as one of his former girlfriends marriage fell apart he was off with her quicker than you could say 'cheating twat'!

So I say no, not fair to your current partner on that basis.

Fellow settler here! I’d say even though I’m not madly and passionately ripping my partners clothes off constantly and sometimes it does feel a bit ‘blah’, I’ve been on the opposite side of ‘settling’ and it’s pretty shit.

But I love my man and I know that if I went to explore that green grass on the other side, I’d probably be running back to my comfortable and content life with him.

We are taught all our life’s not to ‘settle’ and that sometimes takes us down some really unpleasant routes. Stick with the good ones, if we didn’t have them, we may quickly realise we weren’t settling after all.

I’m going to say unreasonable purely because I just don’t think you should ever settle. Life is too short to spend it “settling”, and I also think it’s a bit unfair on the other person to have a partner who settled for them rather than a partner who is truly in love with them. I think you’re seeing it as you had a bad relationship before, so you seem to think your only options are bad (like before) or luke warm/okay (like now), when actually there is a third option- totally happy and in love. Both you and your partner deserve to find that kind of love x

I think you have your definition of “settling” wrong op! 😀

From what you’ve written, it sounds like your current partner is stepping up as a husband and father. That’s progress surely?

I know what you mean though. I have been lucky and been married to the love of my life for nearly 30 years. I still get excited knowing he is coming home. However, at some point in the relationship, whether it’s 5 years, 7 years, 10 or 20 years, the mad passionate phase will probably morph in to a steady deep love and friendship with spikes of extra happiness and passion along the way. I think you are being unrealistic to expect mad passion to be present permanently, especially if you are raising dc.

A lot of passion, for women anyway, comes through good communication.

Anyway, what I am trying to say is that at least 75 % of happiness comes from within. It’s how you create your own life. Take charge of it! A good partner really really helps, especially when it comes to your enjoyment of being a mother, but it’s not the be all and end all! And I say that as someone who does see her dh as her soulmate.

Edited to say sorry if this comes across as preachy; it didn’t sound like that in my own head 😜

Well in my mind, I'd love a daring, go getting man who was always off on interesting adventures. That's until I think of what would happen if me or the kids got ill or really needed him and he was off climbing Everest or canoeing down the Nile. It would wear pretty thin, pretty quick

I suspect the types of men who "on paper" would be more my type, would be too selfish for me on a long term basis. I don't think of that as settling, more being realistic as to what I want my partners priorities to be.

I ‘settled’ for someone who is kind, patient and a great husband and father. I love him, but I’m not madly in love with him. But, my previous partner who I was completely head over heels, crazily in love with, completely took advantage of my feelings, was a vain, self absorbed twat and let me down all the time. If I had stayed with him, he would have continued to hurt me emotionally (and I also suspect would have ended up cheating if he hadn’t already). My husband was the safe option, but I feel happy, safe and content, and we have beautiful children, a lovely house and we don’t argue. We’re a really good team and communicate well. It might not be as passionate, but that’s the thing I need least to be happy, personally. I much prefer the feeling of safety and contentment, and not walking on eggshells.

I think it depends on your view of settling. "The one" in people's minds can often be a fantasy person who wouldn't actually work as a long term partner. I dont think not feeling head over heels every second is settling, surely it's the opposite of settling to have found a kind, lovely person you love to share your life with?

I'm not sure anyone can be "the one" in all areas. Nobody is perfect!

It isn't settling to choose to stay with someone that makes you happy. It's only settling if your relationship is missing things that are really important to you, and you talk yourself in to ignoring those gaps.

I don’t think anyone should settle but I’m not sure if you really are, or if you are just comparing and overthinking?
I don’t think it’s fair to compare the “madly in love” feeling you felt with what you say was an emotionally abusive ex, when you were much younger. It’s possible he love bombed you and I think most people feel things more intensely when they’re younger.
If you really aren’t in love with your partner, then it’s not fair on him to settle. But you might never feel the same way for someone new that you felt for your ex in your teens or twenties x

I think people confuse the feeling of being infatuated or sexually excited by someone as being in love.

I love my DH like I love my parents/ siblings etc. He’s family and I’m in love with that.

We have great sex for about 2 weeks out of the year when we go on holiday without the kids…the rest of the time it’s pretty mediocre but we know it’s there if we need it 😂🙈.

I really really fancied guys when I was younger who were ‘my type’ but I’m in love with DH as a partner, my best friend and a brilliant father to my children.

I think you should rethink what you mean by settling.

I'm not sure you're actually settling. You say you love him. Love doesn't have to be that mad, passionate, butterflies, giddy, head-over-heels feeling to be real (and actually, that feeling isn't necessarily a good thing long term). I think real love feels stable and safe, and like there won't be dramatic ups and downs. Comfortable and happy are good things!

You say he's not your usual type but - this is key - are you actually attracted to him anyway? I think we've all had the experience of a man who isn't what we'd look for on paper, but that doesn't mean the attraction wasn't there and wasn't real.

Settling is awful in my view, it's not fair to your partner or yourself or to any potential children (and it will blow up down the line for certain). But to me settling is choosing a partner knowing you don't love them or aren't attracted to them, just because you're desperate for a partner/kids/financial stability/whatever they provide. I'm not sure this is you though.

Are you perhaps equating drama and pain with passion and therefore love?
It sounds like you do love your partner but there isn't drama and intensity.
In reality it's probably better to stay with someone where its a calmer sort of love. That is more likely to stand the test of time. Mutual respect, support and trust.
I had a few high drama relationships when younger where I thought i was madly in love.. really they were just kind of abusive situations full of conflict.. but they were intense and absorbing.. and the uncertainty leant something towards how sexually charged they were. Looking back it wasn't 'love' really.

You're only "settling" if you see it that way. Another way to look at it is rather than chasing a dream that either doesn't exist or doesn't last if you do in fact find it, you are instead making a strategically sound decision about a life partner you can actually have an enduring relationship with.

Sure that's not stereotypically romantic but neither is most of a marriage/long-term relationship. Most of it is putting the bins out or wiping up sick and snot, or sorting out the car insurance.

I think you're setting up a straw man argument. The opposite of 'settling' because you got accidentally pregnant isn't your 'exciting but awful' first relationship.

There were other guys I could have married, before I met my husband. And, I’d have a much more secure life now. I’d have a bloody nice life! And a lot of my friends did settle. They’re happy. They have the kids, the house, the car, the holidays.

I've been married more than 3 decades, and the love that develops after decades of helping each other through difficult times, working together to meet goals, rearing children and being supremely comfortable with each other is deeper and more profoundly satisfying than you can imagine.

The early excitement you've described passes. That is not love. Real love and respect lasts. You've got a good man--you have not settled.

Hate this definition of "settle" - it demonstrates a lack of emotional maturity that many western relationships have.

What you are describing with your previous partner is simply lust imo!

Doesn't sound like you are settling & it's sad that you see your current relationship like that

It's up to you. I couldn't settle - I have a wonderful relationship with my DH. Lots of deep communication, shared and sole hobbies, shared beliefs and interests, barely any arguments, similar values and desires for the future, and we love and enjoy eachother's company. I also think about him constantly and miss him when he's away, even if he's popping to the shops. I know he feels the same for me and that makes it all the better.

I had a previous ex who I was comfortable with and we had a lot of shared values and beliefs. We got on and we could have made it but as soon as I met my now DH, I knew I couldn't have a relationship like that so I called it off and ended up with my DH 2 weeks later. We will celebrate 8 years this year ❤

I agree with this! Having never settled and realising that I should have done.

I think it’s to do with what we mean by ‘settle’. As you say @MummySam2017 , choosing a man who is kind, caring with similar values and fun to be around is not settling at all! I think we equate ‘not settling’ with going out with someone who we really fancy, but that feeling goes with time anyway.

ironically, i think if you go for the passionate love affair, you often end up settling for some shitty behaviour because it’s your ‘soulmate’.

my ex was like this- lots of chemistry to start with, but he was toxic and abusive in the end. I stayed longer because I thought we could get back to how we were- took a long time to realise that was never going to happen.

I think it works until it doesn’t. Whether that’s a few years or a couple of decades, though, is anyone’s guess. If you don’t find him sexually attractive and desirable now, then that’s not suddenly going to improve years down the line; and assuming he has the (perfectly normal) expectation of a relationship including sex, when it starts to peter out because you just don’t really want to have it with somebody you don’t fancy the bones of, resentment will build up on both sides.

Or what if it turns out he’s also only settling for you, doesn’t really fancy you, and isn’t really sure if you’re his forever woman, but thinking you’re a lovely, mature, kind person who will make a good mother to his children? Would you be okay with that? Or would you begin to doubt his commitment and worry that one day he’ll have his head turned by somebody else?

This isn't settling. This is the difference between a mature loving relationship built on trust and mutual respect, and an abusive relationship. The abusive relationship felt more exciting because it was unpredictable. Women have been conditioned by movies and romance novels to think that love means fireworks and drama and pain. Real long-term love isn’t like that.

Being madly in love is nothing.
I met the man I was crazy in love with, he ticked all my boxes and loved me back.
Once we were married I was the happiest woman alive.
Then he started messing about, stopped working, did nothing but his hobbies, expected me to accompany him wherever he went and then after 20 years dumped me without warning for another woman.
I often wish I had married someone like your husband. I still feel the grief 7 years later and wonder how we went from soul mates, lovers to this mess.

I couldn’t agree more. I think when we can unsubscribe to idea that our lives will be like a deeply romantic movie, we begin to realise constant happiness with everything in our lives, at all times, is not a sustainable way of being - especially when that happiness is mainly based on someone else’s behaviour. Joy is an emotion, just like all the other emotions, it comes and it goes. Content, on the other hand, is steady, sustainable and very containing. I’d take content and contained over chasing constant happiness any day. It’s bloody tiring and actually, tedious.