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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think settling isn’t that bad?

73 replies

theprincessthepea · 28/02/2024 13:51

I’m probably writing this to feel better about my life choices. However I feel like I am going down the route of settling with someone. I guess the opposite would be finding a “soul mate” being madly in love and going for it.

I love my partner, I found out I was pregnant after being together for 4 years and I really enjoy his company and he is also a really good guy. We have similar values. He is mature. We do have a good time. I feel like I’m settling because he isn’t who I would normally go for physically. But everything else is a tick.

I don’t feel like I’m madly in love though, I love him and us. I feel comfortable and happy.

Whereas when I think of my first long term relationship (who fathered my now teen daughter). He was my type on paper. I did go through a phase where I was madly in love. We clicked, the relationship was exciting but his personality was awful in the end - he was emotionally and financially abusive. Never spent time at home and was always “busy” “working”. Although a lot of people around me said we could have been good together (and that he will mature because men take longer to blah blah) and his excuse was that I needed to be more supportive and help him become the man he needs to be BS - he was terrible behind closed doors. From speaking to his mum and him not showing up for his daughter - he hasn’t changed.

I keep being told “never to settle” and find the one (whatever that means). However how long is one to wait if you find a decent partner and are committed to doing life together?

Im not thinking of leaving my partner - I’m more so hoping to hear about “growing in love”

AIBU to believe settling isn’t that bad?
What is the definition of settling anyway?

Unreasonable - Never settle!
Not Unreasonable - Nothing wrong with it, it’s life.

OP posts:
Silverbirchtwo · 28/02/2024 17:19

You're not settling you are going with a man you love people confuse the best sex ever with love. The best sex is transitory at best deception (or self deception) at worst.

LuckySantangelo35 · 28/02/2024 17:44

Don’t settle op

don’t go for someone cos you’ll think they’ll be a good father for example. I mean, take that into conscience but it’s not the be all and end all.

YouDidntEvenAskIfSheWasThereMoriarty · 28/02/2024 17:48

I wouldn't settle, personally. I'd rather be alone.

OutsideLookingOut · 28/02/2024 17:48

Have you really settled because you changed your mind about what is important? I don't think that is settling.
In general though if you are okay with your own company then no there is no need to settle but sometimes the trade-offs from a relationship are worth it. Put it this way, if I was in a time where women could not work I would have settled for someone.

Didimum · 28/02/2024 17:54

While I don’t think there is anything wrong with the relationship you describe, OP, I think if you’re thinking about it to the extent that you’re posting about it online then that’s not great. It does not signal ‘happy and comfortable’.

takemeawayagain · 28/02/2024 17:54

Are you attracted to him OP? If you are - but just not in that really intense, overwhelming way that isn't always very healthy and generally doesn't last - then you're not settling.
If you're not attracted to him then you're settling and at some point in the future you may come to realise this was all a big mistake.

JamSandle · 28/02/2024 17:55

It doesn't sound like settling to me. Love is a deeper richer feeling. Lust and infatuation are important but rarely last to the same intensity.

Geebray · 28/02/2024 17:57

It doesn't sound like you're "settling". You have found a lovely man, but you're obsessed with all that tedious drama from your "first love" guy. Who sounds like a prince!

I feel sorry for your current partner. Maybe he should leave you and find someone who actually appreciates him. But of course, that would be drama, and then suddenly you would discover that he was the man of your dreams...

OurfriendsintheNE · 28/02/2024 17:58

I highly recommend reading Alain de Botton’s book The Course of Love. It has a lot to say on these types of questions.

I also wouldn’t call what you describe as settling. It’s just a different and more pragmatic view of partnership than the Hollywood Great Romance.

Hollowgast · 28/02/2024 18:18

You're not unreasonable, but remember that settling works both ways. If you found out your DH settled for you I imagine you'd be upset. If you did settle, just never make it apparent. It sounds like you've got a good one anyway.

Belovedbagle · 28/02/2024 21:09

Everyone settles to a degree as no one is perfect. It's just the degree..

PinkEasterbunny · 28/02/2024 21:27

If he makes you happy OP, you’re not settling.

i have a friend who settled. Extremely attractive, bright, caring,
good fun - but never grew out of ‘bad boys’ and generally had terrible luck with her love life. I watched her set the bar lower and lower, until she finally married a really odd guy, and her main sentiment was always relief, for finally being out of the dating game.

HemlockSoup · 28/02/2024 21:34

Didimum · 28/02/2024 17:54

While I don’t think there is anything wrong with the relationship you describe, OP, I think if you’re thinking about it to the extent that you’re posting about it online then that’s not great. It does not signal ‘happy and comfortable’.

Yeah, I tend to agree with this.

Echobelly · 28/02/2024 21:38

People are different - some need to find someone who is their 'soulmate' and feel like two halves of a whole, to feel their partner is the best human being they know.

Other people are happy to find someone they click with and have fun with and can manage ups and downs with; who they know is flawed and sometimes annoying but they live with that. And there's nothing wrong with that - culture sets up the whole 'soulmate' thing as the ideal, but it's not for everyone.

Some would call the latter 'settling' but for other people that is just what's right for them.

I know both types of couple; both can work, both can collapse, but neither is better or worse.

Slanketblanket · 28/02/2024 21:41

Well we all want to be Elizabeth Bennett but in reality I'd be Charlotte Lucas and just keep him busy with walks to Rosings Park (AKA some kind of cycling hobby if it's Mumsnet)

Tatonka · 28/02/2024 21:48

Nothing wrong with comfortable and happy

Catsmere · 28/02/2024 21:50

I don’t think you’ve “settled” (the rest of the phrase being “for less” at all - it sounds like you have a great, happy marriage, the sort many of the people who start madly infatuated will eventually envy.

ChihuahuasREvil · 28/02/2024 21:50

A lot of people on this thread are saying you aren’t settling, but you feel like you are, and that says a lot. It doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the wrong thing to do, but you clearly feel like you’re not ticking all your boxes. I’m not sure we’re going to tick all our boxes With a partner, I don’t think I am with mine or she is with me, but she ticks boxes I didn’t know I had and I probably do the same for her. I say about my partner, some of the characteristics and circumstances wouldn’t have been at the top of my wish list, but she definitely would.

Thepeopleversuswork · 28/02/2024 21:53

I think you are confusing “settling” with being in a stable, compatible and low stress relationship.

Not constantly wanting to rip someone’s clothes off doesn’t mean you’re settling, it means you’re a fairly normal couple with other things to worry about.

To me settling implies choosing a partner who is manifestly unsuitable for you and whom you don’t much like because you think that’s as good as it gets. Fancying someone isn’t nothing but on its own it’s absolutely no basis for a successful relationship.

That doesn’t mean you should tolerate a sexless marriage when you don’t want one or stay with someone who bores the crap out of you because they are solvent or reliable.

But very very few people find someone who ticks absolutely every box. You sound compatible and generally happy which is more than can be said for a lot of couples.

WhatHeSaid33 · 28/02/2024 21:58

I’m interpreting this as “the sex is boring” ?

Years of being a sexless relationship killed who I was as a person, however we didn’t get on and love each other like you seem to. When I did find someone where the connection and attraction and sex was amazing, he turned out to be dangerously unstable
mentally/emotionally.

Think finding the middle is rarer than imagined. Your situation sounds pretty good, you may just be comparing with the (in the end) unhealthy chemistry you had with your ex

HelloDarlingWhatAreYouDoingHere · 28/02/2024 22:02

I've come across some relationship "stuff" online recently and the suggestion came up that there are people we can madly in love with - chemistry and connection, and people we can build a life with. They not usually the same person.

SallyWD · 28/02/2024 22:03

It's fine! I think it's quite a modern western notion that marriage has to be some great romance where you desire each other passionately for the rest of your lives. 1

libbylane · 28/02/2024 22:06

I agree with @badwolf82 and @MummySam2017 I don't think this is settling, because you do love him. I think it's a more mature love and less fly by the seat of your pants/attraction/excitement that people mistake for love. You can have either type of relationship but the excitement/attraction part isn't the love..

I once chose not to settle, but it wasn't as you describe, I really didn't love him. He could provide something that was great, but I wanted more than that. I don't know if it was the right decision to be honest. I have friends that settled and are very happy. They got what they decided they wanted in life and that was important for where they were in life.

You sound like you are in a loving, mature and safe relationship. Try hard not to compare to a relationship that truly sounded really bad for you.

Original poster
theprincessthepea · 28/02/2024 22:24

@Ducksinthebath I 100% agree with this feeling of it being more strategic. But in a good way as we are on the same page.

Someone else mentioned I might be overthinking and maybe that is what it is.

I definitely don’t feel like I’m missing much and what I love is that I’ve been able to be myself in this. There is a friendship. I am attracted to him. Although since the pregnancy we are having a sexless patch which might be what’s making me wonder if our love life will ever come back.

I guess a part of me is shocked to have met someone like this and wants to hold onto it. Whilst another part of me wonders if “this is it” - as we were quite passionate before. But I think it’s important to be in the moment and to know that we can make it through dull moments in the relationship.

@MummySam2017 and @badwolf82 I agree with you both. It may have something to do with what we see on screen - the idea of being a hot power couple.

@WonderingAboutBabies that is the thing. Did you have a moment when you realised that your now DH was “the one” for you and that was it? These days it’s hard to know if someone better will come by.

OP posts:
coldcallerbaiter · 28/02/2024 22:32

When you are crazy about someone, they have the power to really hurt you if (I would say when) they do something to disappoint you.

If you settle for the steady secure type, but no flame….you have more of the upper hand, but less if the pleasure/bliss feeling.