Page 3 | To think settling isn’t that bad?

theprincessthepea · 2024-02-28T13:51:20+00:00

I’m probably writing this to feel better about my life choices. However I feel like I am going down the route of settling with someone. I guess the opposite would be finding a “soul mate” being madly in love and going for it. I love my partner, I found out I was pregnant after being together for 4 years and I really enjoy his company and he is also a really good guy. We have similar values. He is mature. We do have a good time. I feel like I’m settling because he isn’t who I would normally go for physically. But everything else is a tick. I don’t feel like I’m madly in love though, I love him and us. I feel comfortable and happy. Whereas when I think of my first long term relationship (who fathered my now teen daughter). He was my type on paper. I did go through a phase where I was madly in love. We clicked, the relationship was exciting but his personality was awful in the end - he was emotionally and financially abusive. Never spent time at home and was always “busy” “working”. Although a lot of people around me said we could have been good together (and that he will mature because men take longer to blah blah) and his excuse was that I needed to be more supportive and help him become the man he needs to be BS - he was terrible behind closed doors. From speaking to his mum and him not showing up for his daughter - he hasn’t changed. I keep being told “never to settle” and find the one (whatever that means). However how long is one to wait if you find a decent partner and are committed to doing life together? Im not thinking of leaving my partner - I’m more so hoping to hear about “growing in love” AIBU to believe settling isn’t that bad? What is the definition of settling anyway? Unreasonable - Never settle! Not Unreasonable - Nothing wrong with it, it’s life.

canttellyouwhereorwhatido · 28/02/2024 22:33

Just one word of caution... nothing wrong with 'settling' btw . Worked well for me .. BUT .. unless you earn substantially more and intend to return to work quickly/ have good financial assets.. please please DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH SOMEONE YOU ARE NOT MARRIED TO !! Just look on here for the horrible consequences of making that choice.

Original poster

theprincessthepea · 28/02/2024 22:40

@Echobelly I know both types of couple; both can work, both can collapse, but neither is better or worse.

The term “life is what you make it” pops up and I guess that can be part of it. I know we can build a decent life. It takes 2 to build on a relationship and I guess we are going through a shift that we need to work through.

OP posts:

SomeCatFromJapan · 28/02/2024 22:41

I've learned from these threads that everyone's definition of settling, love, lost, being in love, and attraction differs. I've even seem some posters assume they're not physically attracted to the man they very clearly are in fact deeply physically attracted to, because he's not objectively handsome.

I'm personally quite black and white with this stuff, whenever I've tried to have a relationship with someone that was good on paper but missing the spark I've rapidly got a panicky icky feeling and finished things.

I was head over heels besotted with my DH when we got together but what has kept me in love with him all these years is that he's a really good man. As I get older I find his DIY skills particularly hot. But that in-loveness has always felt special and like the initial bond we built on.

WonderingAboutBabies · 29/02/2024 07:54

theprincessthepea · 28/02/2024 22:24

@Ducksinthebath I 100% agree with this feeling of it being more strategic. But in a good way as we are on the same page.

Someone else mentioned I might be overthinking and maybe that is what it is.

I definitely don’t feel like I’m missing much and what I love is that I’ve been able to be myself in this. There is a friendship. I am attracted to him. Although since the pregnancy we are having a sexless patch which might be what’s making me wonder if our love life will ever come back.

I guess a part of me is shocked to have met someone like this and wants to hold onto it. Whilst another part of me wonders if “this is it” - as we were quite passionate before. But I think it’s important to be in the moment and to know that we can make it through dull moments in the relationship.

@MummySam2017 and @badwolf82 I agree with you both. It may have something to do with what we see on screen - the idea of being a hot power couple.

@WonderingAboutBabies that is the thing. Did you have a moment when you realised that your now DH was “the one” for you and that was it? These days it’s hard to know if someone better will come by.

Almost straight away! I had been with my precious partner for 3.5 years at that point as well so we very much had marriage on the cards and were talking about our future. As soon as I met my current DH, that all went out of the window. I physically felt sick at the idea of being stuck with that partner and not being able to explore this wonderful new love. I had to end it and it was so, so, so difficult as he was genuinely a nice guy and we got on, and we'd built a nice partnership together.

With my DH, it really was love at first sight and we are beyond besotted with each other. 8 years on and we still have to hold hands everywhere and curl up together on the sofa. Our love for each other grows more every day and I still absolutely fancy the pants off him! He is just so gorgeous in every way. I do realise I am gushing so I will stop there 😂

LaPalmaLlama · 29/02/2024 08:28

I think there are big variations in how much people “centre” their relationships within their overall lives - it’s like some people see it as the dinner plate and some people see it more as the side plate. So some people think “this is what I’m doing with my life and I need a partner who will complement/ facilitate that”. Other people think “this is who I want to be with and I will adjust my life accordingly”. IMO, women are much more likely to centre a relationship than men and actually less likely to, what we call “settle” than men. But there’s a strong argument that the settlers often make a better choice re how their relationship supports their other life goals.

Whenitsnotalwaysraining · 29/02/2024 08:30

LaPalmaLlama · 29/02/2024 08:28

I think there are big variations in how much people “centre” their relationships within their overall lives - it’s like some people see it as the dinner plate and some people see it more as the side plate. So some people think “this is what I’m doing with my life and I need a partner who will complement/ facilitate that”. Other people think “this is who I want to be with and I will adjust my life accordingly”. IMO, women are much more likely to centre a relationship than men and actually less likely to, what we call “settle” than men. But there’s a strong argument that the settlers often make a better choice re how their relationship supports their other life goals.

👏👏👏

That dinner plate analogy is sheer genius LaPalma

Seagrassbasket · 29/02/2024 08:40

I just don’t think you’re ‘settling’ really.
Settling in my mind is being with someone you don’t really like or fancy in order for stability or a nice lifestyle.

I think that setting up a life with someone who you have a good time with and makes you happy, who you’re a good team with and will always have your back is what a successful partnership/marriage should look like. People don’t have to be gorgeous for you to be attracted to them once you are in love with them.

Maybe some people get the lightning bolt and manage to parlay that into a lifelong relationship but really I think we’ve all been there where we’ve fancied the pants off someone but he’s been a twat or we’ve argued constantly and it’s just stressful and not sustainable. I think everyone needs to figure out the difference between just chemistry/attraction and being in love.

gannett · 29/02/2024 08:43

LaPalmaLlama · 29/02/2024 08:28

I think there are big variations in how much people “centre” their relationships within their overall lives - it’s like some people see it as the dinner plate and some people see it more as the side plate. So some people think “this is what I’m doing with my life and I need a partner who will complement/ facilitate that”. Other people think “this is who I want to be with and I will adjust my life accordingly”. IMO, women are much more likely to centre a relationship than men and actually less likely to, what we call “settle” than men. But there’s a strong argument that the settlers often make a better choice re how their relationship supports their other life goals.

Isn't it the dinner plate types who are more likely to settle though? The idea of a relationship is so central to their lives that they need anyone to fill it for them.

I would have described myself as a side plate type, I never considered a relationship to be necessary for what I wanted out of life and it was never a life goal to settle down in one. So the only relationship I'd have even countenanced was one that enhanced my main dinner plate (which I suppose would have been my career, my passions, my social circle and my freedom).

Startingagainandagain · 29/02/2024 08:47

Is this fair on your partner though?

Does he know that he is with someone who does not find him physically attractive and feels like she is 'settling' by being with him?

How would you feel if a man said this about you?

gannett · 29/02/2024 08:51

SomeCatFromJapan · 28/02/2024 22:41

I've learned from these threads that everyone's definition of settling, love, lost, being in love, and attraction differs. I've even seem some posters assume they're not physically attracted to the man they very clearly are in fact deeply physically attracted to, because he's not objectively handsome.

I'm personally quite black and white with this stuff, whenever I've tried to have a relationship with someone that was good on paper but missing the spark I've rapidly got a panicky icky feeling and finished things.

I was head over heels besotted with my DH when we got together but what has kept me in love with him all these years is that he's a really good man. As I get older I find his DIY skills particularly hot. But that in-loveness has always felt special and like the initial bond we built on.

Edited

This is so true. I've noticed some posters - like the OP! - second-guess their feelings because it's not all fireworks and drama. And other posters will write essays about their awful partner's many faults and then end "but I still love him", and I always wonder what they think love is, because to me love starts at thinking someone else is just a great person.

I think learning to separate your own feelings and desires from the myth of love that society, friends and family try to sell you is very key.

It's not just about knowing what you want but knowing yourself. I'm not sure I'm capable of being starry-eyed and besotted like I've seen described. I'm too cynical and frankly quite cold emotionally. But the feeling of being comfortable and safe with DP is unlike anything I've ever experienced with anyone else (and there was certainly an immediate physical chemistry). So that, for me, is what I'm looking for.

LaPalmaLlama · 29/02/2024 09:45

gannett · 29/02/2024 08:43

Isn't it the dinner plate types who are more likely to settle though? The idea of a relationship is so central to their lives that they need anyone to fill it for them.

I would have described myself as a side plate type, I never considered a relationship to be necessary for what I wanted out of life and it was never a life goal to settle down in one. So the only relationship I'd have even countenanced was one that enhanced my main dinner plate (which I suppose would have been my career, my passions, my social circle and my freedom).

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It’s not so much that the idea of a relationship is central to their lives but that the specific person is central to their lives and they’re more likely to make compromises to maintain that relationship. Conversely, the side plate person will bin off the person who doesn’t fit with where he or she wants to live/ work etc.

NewNameNigel · 29/02/2024 09:52

I've always thought it's quite disrespectful when people talk about "settling" for their partner. Like they believe themselves to be superior but are lowering themselves to be with them because they provide them with stability.

Newsenmum · 29/02/2024 09:58

Settling is staying with someone with obvious flaws or who you have concerns about but you stay with them as want to experience marriage, kids whatever. Is it just the physical stuff? I say just… are you intimate at all? I ask as sometimes that can be an issue later on if you’re not on the same page.

But no, major lust and being madly in love are supposed to be temporary and often hide other things. If he’s your best friend then you don’t need all that.

whyamiawakestillitssolate · 29/02/2024 10:04

A lovely kind man who is a good husband and is there through the hard times I think is much better than someone who makes you weak at the knees but isn’t those other “stable” thing.

My “type” is arrogant, hot, generally arsehole. They’re the ones that make me crazy in love but definitely aren’t the ones who make a good long term partner. Nothing wrong with settling for a sensible option that will bring less big ups but less awful downs.

Lurkingandlearning · 29/02/2024 10:30

“don’t feel like I’m madly in love though, I love him and us. I feel comfortable and happy.”

I don’t think many couples do stay madly in love for very long at all. That’s the honey moon phase. Your relationship sounds like what good, enduring relationships evolve into once the mad phase ends.

To my mind setting would be a relationship with all the things you described missing.

SomeCatFromJapan · 29/02/2024 10:50

My “type” is arrogant, hot, generally arsehole. They’re the ones that make me crazy in love but definitely aren’t the ones who make a good long term partner. Nothing wrong with settling for a sensible option that will bring less big ups but less awful downs.

Some people do fall madly in love with people that will make long-term partners. That's the ideal. A wonderful person, support and stability and still getting to have that in-love feeling.

Olivie12 · 29/02/2024 10:52

It sounds like you're confusing lust with love.

I also believe that the type of love we feel changes through the years. As in, when I was a teenager I was crazy in love with a very handsome and rich boyfriend, my first love, later on you learn that that's not important (looks and money ) not as important as personality, values, for example.

As you mature, you start realising of the things that you want in a DH and a new image of "love of my life" comes to mind where passion and someone handsome are not on the top of the list. However, that doesn't mean you settle, you realise what's more important to you.

Had I married with the boyfriends where I had that crazy attraction, I would already be divorced twice 😂.

Moltenpink · 29/02/2024 10:55

To me, it sounds more as though your idea of what love is has got a bit skewed. That you’re mistaking the push/pull feeling of an intense relationship for love.

IvorTheEngineDriver · 29/02/2024 11:16

No one really "settles". There is no such thing as "The One".

BreakingAndBroke · 29/02/2024 11:21

The sparks from your first relationship are not just for the person you are with, but the excitement of doing things for the first time and your own awakening.

Sparks and looks fade. Values and enjoying each others company is far more important.

Wombatsquarepoo · 29/02/2024 11:23

Some people want love that is like the ocean, all consuming, big peaks and troughs, passionate and extreme. Some people want love that is like the stream, slow and steady. It’s just a different type of love

Somepeoplearesnippy · 29/02/2024 11:37

My DH didn't appeal to me physically when we met. I was young and shallow and wanted a cocky , confident Adonis with a six pack. However he was attentive and funny so I went out with him anyway and he grew on me.

we have now been married nearly 40 years and, despite the inevitable ups and downs of a relationship that long, I love him more today than I did on our wedding day. Don't underestimate the importance of security and mutual understanding.

Bey · 29/02/2024 11:44

This is so interesting as my like kinda mirrors yours, my eldest child's father is my type looks wise but after the honey moon period he was awful, I could not be in a relationship with that man and I hate how he behaves towards our son. we split up when my eldest was a baby.

my now partner who is father to my second child isn't really my type looks wise but I do not feel I'm settling at all, I would have been "settling" if I'd stayed with my ex in a miserable relationship.

im happy in a happy relationship now yea we have our problems who doesn't but I don't feel as though I've settled because he's not my usual type (I'm still attracted to him btw)

just another way of thinking about it that you would have been settling to stay in an abusive relationship with your ex. There's a lot to be said for someone you get along with who is kind