To end things because of cheating in prior relationship?

[ellajhewitt]

Been seeing a guy. Only a month in and seeing each other here and there, so no major investment thus far.

We've been getting to know each other. He is divorced with 2 children. I have never been married and do not have children.

We got talking about cheating (tangent from a celebrity cheating scandal we were talking about). He told me he cheated, to be with his ex-wife. They each had partners when they met - and they went on to have an affair with each other. They then went 'public' and later got married. Marriage broke down - which he said wasn't for cheating reasons (but I can't imagine a relationship built on cheating would be a healthy and long-standing one).

He said the cheating was awful and caused immense pain to others etc... (shocker!) and that when they had children, that's when the marriage broke down.

They co-parent 'well' apparently, but I don't know enough at this point.

The thing is, I just don't trust him. I suppose that's easy to say right now as I just found this about 12 hour ago out, but still. Cheating goes against my values. He said he wanted to tell me the truth upfront and that he'd never do it again - and it changed him as a person. But cheaters aren't known for their honesty.

As I am not quite invested yet and certainly not attached, would it just be best to walk away?

I have NEVER cheated and never would. I just couldn't ever do it. Has anyone had an experience like this? How did it pan out?

I'd say you'll get lots of different anecdotes about times when people changed and the inevitable times when they repeated the exact same behaviours. You'll always feel doubt and mistrust I'd say, it's not like he can ever change his past and you have every right to feel how you feel.

He's just not for you and I'd cut your losses now before feelings get involved.

I was dating a dad of 4. He cheated on his wife with 3 different women, several years ago. They stayed together, had the kids and then his wife left him. I thought it was all in the past. We were together for 9 months when I found another women’s lingerie in his bedside drawer. He’s been cheating.

I’ll never date a man with a history of cheating again. Not saying they’re all like that but I won’t take that risk again.

People can change and it's possible that he means what he says and has changed but if it were me I'd always have that doubt in the back of my mind which would probably mean the end of the relationship for me.

Yanbu

As the saying goes - The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.

It's a tough one as he has actually been honest, which is something I do respect from cheaters and not common. I broke with my ex because he repeatedly lied to me about cheating, even making out HE was the hard done by one who had been cheated on to garner sympathy from me! It turned out he had cheated for a very long time on his long term girlfriend with his very young step sister and hidden all of it from the family for years. He then couldn't understand why I found it repellent and had no trust in him whatsoever, telling me it was ME who had the issue. I know it is a very different situation but I tell you the worst case scenario so that you can compare how him telling the truth is actually quite a good sign. I think it shows he has reflected and learnt from his behaviour. He can express how it made him feel - bad - and it didn't make him happy. He may even have gone deeper into the reality they were likely so high on infatuation they ended up believing they were meant for each other without any basis in reality, which is not what he wants. Only you can know how this will affect you going forwards and what you may need from him to calm your fears. Only you know if you feel OK to ask more questions and how he will react to answering. If you want a long read on cheating this is quite interesting https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/articles/199305/beyond-betrayal-life-after-infidelity

People can learn from their mistakes. There are things I have done in the past that I am ashamed of and would never contemplate doing ever again.

maybe give it a bit longer and see how you feel. He’s told you early on and hasn’t left it until you are further into the relationship (that would concern me more) so seems like he felt it was important to tell you.

yes, what he did in the past was absolutely crappy But sometimes people can reflect and be better in the future.

you could cut your losses and get with someone else, however, no relationship, is cheat proof, regardless if they have a history or not

You don't trust him. It doesn't matter if it was a one-off which never happens again or if he's a serial cheat. You don't trust him, and trust is what you need in a relationship.

Cheating is a big topic and everyone's experience is different. I feel you can't really base your opinion off another person's relationship- no two relationships are the same. I do believe people change but there are people who don't. Both myself and husband cheated in previous relationships- for reasons that are our own. Mainly cause we are young and naive but also lack of confidence and self-worth. However, we are both happy and content in our own relationship.
Imagine someone kept holding your mistakes against you-just a thought.

You're only a month in and you're not feeling it. Maybe you're not into this guy and actually need a way out.

My mate had an affair with a married man, he ended up leaving his wife for her and they then got married. He then had an affair...

It’s only been a month. He has cheated. He has two children. Do you want to have children in your life? Will you be able to trust him? How much do you like him?

I heard someone say recently that cheating once can be something wrong with the relationship. Cheating repeatedly is something wrong with the person. I am long of tooth and over the last two decades or so my opinion of cheating has changed somewhat, and the handful or so of people I know that have cheated are now in happy long term relationships with the "other" person.

That said you can call off a relationship because of any reason you like, especially only a month in! Do what feels right for you

The cheating is one thing, but why did the marriage break down when they had children? Did he struggle to be an adult and do his bit? Is he great as long as no-one relies on him? Does he struggle with responsibility? A lot of men say that they co-parent well, when they just pick the kids up, take them out and drop them back. Did he cheat because his first partner wanted him to step up and again be an adult, so he found somewhere to run to? Having lived a bit longer, I'd say proceed with extreme caution and don't ignore red flags.

I'd say follow your instinct which is leaning to the not trusting him side.

I cheated, I would never cheat again.

Every case is difficult, I would think that someone who has cheated once is more likely to cheat again, but it doesn't mean it happens every time.

I think him telling you and being open is a good sign.

However if its going to eat at you, then it might become a problem of trust

Well said.

This would put me off personally. I think choosing a good partner isn’t just about how they treat you but how they have treated others in the past. If he has cheated before I would say he’s more likely to cheat again. If you were madly in love with him and truly believed he’d changed then it might be different. But you don’t seem that into him anyway and have already said the cheating makes you not trust him. Trust is very important in a relationship and if the trust is gone already I don’t see how the relationship will work. I would walk away.

My DP had an affair and went on to have a relationship with his affair partner and divorced his wife. He told me about it fairly early on in our relationship as he wanted to be honest. He still mentions it from time to time. He's not proud of it. His affair partner, who went on to become his long term partner of 5 years then left him for someone else. He was devastated and I think it made him even more ashamed of his past behaviour. I do think people can change, only you can decide if you can trust him though.

I've never cheated but I have made some godawful decisions in my life that I'm not proud of. I know I'll never make those decisions again.

How long was he with the partner and how long was he married? Why did the marriage break down? How old are the kids?
If the kids are adults now and the cheating was a long time ago then that's one thing. But if he's bouncing from one person to another and now has two young children to consider and prioritise then is this really something you want to get into?

This is a difficult one. On the one hand, some people do make a terrible mistake and then regret it and never do it again. On the other hand, some people confess as a strategy to reel in a new partner. And some people are in the middle - they intend to do better this time, but they aren't going to.

And yes, the marriage breaking down after they had children is another bad sign. And I wonder if it really wasn't for cheating reasons or if he is minimising by only telling you about his cheating before the children appeared but there was more after.

So if your immediate reaction is distrust then I'd say go with that reaction. You are probably picking up cues that he's not as trustworthy as he's trying to present.

Generally speaking, I am of the belief that people who have cheated on the past generally don't have a problem with cheating as a moral issue and so will do it again and will justify it to themselves again.

So I swerve those men who tell me they have done this. It's a lot of men!!

I don't date women so I don't know about them.

A friend of mine cheated. She left her husband for the OM. 28 years later they're very happily married, parents, grandparents & she's never looked at another man since

It doesn't always mean it's a pattern of behaviour

A single woman with no kids yet is already selling herself short getting involved with a divorced man with kids.

You are immediately taking the hit of child maintenance (which is the absolute tip of the iceberg in terms of costs for kids; holidays, school trips, uni fees, first cars, insurance, help with house deposits and everything else that people provide for their kids if it's at all possible) times 2 in your potential household.

Financially it is vastly superior to not be having to support kids from previous relationships before you even get to supporting your kids with the man, presuming you'd like kids as most people do.
Sounds mercenary but it's not, it matters. Unless you're very wealthy, it matters.

If you were also bringing kids on from a previous relationship,it would be fairer and more reasonable, but you're not.

Then there's the tremendous issues involved with step parenting and blending families.
Again , you're not bringing this to the table, he is. All the effort and compromise etc is on your part.

Then there's the fact he's had a failed relationship already, with kids involved. Maybe your relationship will be different, or maybe it won't.
But he's already failed and walked on a serious relationship with kids .... Which is notable.

Add to this you now know he's a cheater!

And add in that his relationship broke down when they had kids .... What does that say about him?

You would be much better to find a man in the same position as you, and have your only kids together.

And not someone you know is a cheat to boot.

People keep insisting on presenting divorced and separated dads like they are an equally valid choice for partnership for women with no kids (as men who haven't been married/in ltrs with kids from them) ... They are simply not, they are a bum deal.

Before the usual comments about are divorced/separated women the same .... Are women, men - no. Then they are not the same.

It'd be a deal breaker for me, its an event that tells a lot more about a person than they simply cheated on their ex. Its tells that they can lie, they have no thought to the person they are with, they have no strength to raise issues with their partner or end it when they aren't invested - that kind of stuff - the cheating exposes character traits.

And i'd not be able to trust them - and i don't want to be that person that overthinks and looks for the signs.

Yes, cheating to me is a huge sign of a coward; they can't find the strength to be honest about their own needs or tell their partner.
Liking the power trip is another side-effect and I worry once they've tried that thrill nothing else feels as exciting.

I personally don't think it is the cheating exactly that is the issue. More why they cheated, how they cheated, what has happened since etc etc... For me it isn't an indicator that it will definitely happen again. As a PP said, people can behave out of character and it not have to reflect how they are as a person forever!

I would also say that just because someone has never cheated / had an affair, doesn't mean they never will either! I have a friend who has been with her husband since they were 16/17 ( we are now late 30s) and she has found out he has been cheating recently having had over 20 years of being completely faithful (as far as we know).

At the end of the day, relationships break down, people are unhappy, unsatisfied, sexless marriages and can have their heads turned regardless of whether they've cheated before or not. I would say though, if you don't trust someone from the outset then it will never work regardless...