To end things because of cheating in prior relationship?

[ellajhewitt]

Been seeing a guy. Only a month in and seeing each other here and there, so no major investment thus far.

We've been getting to know each other. He is divorced with 2 children. I have never been married and do not have children.

We got talking about cheating (tangent from a celebrity cheating scandal we were talking about). He told me he cheated, to be with his ex-wife. They each had partners when they met - and they went on to have an affair with each other. They then went 'public' and later got married. Marriage broke down - which he said wasn't for cheating reasons (but I can't imagine a relationship built on cheating would be a healthy and long-standing one).

He said the cheating was awful and caused immense pain to others etc... (shocker!) and that when they had children, that's when the marriage broke down.

They co-parent 'well' apparently, but I don't know enough at this point.

The thing is, I just don't trust him. I suppose that's easy to say right now as I just found this about 12 hour ago out, but still. Cheating goes against my values. He said he wanted to tell me the truth upfront and that he'd never do it again - and it changed him as a person. But cheaters aren't known for their honesty.

As I am not quite invested yet and certainly not attached, would it just be best to walk away?

I have NEVER cheated and never would. I just couldn't ever do it. Has anyone had an experience like this? How did it pan out?

I wonder about people in MN. Things in the past can never be a one off error apparently. Makes me wonder how there ever find someone to say.
People who say no to people who once in the past cheated....or were addicted to something. Lied on a job application? Embellished a CV? Shop lifted as a teen? Bunked off school?

I dont think you can always hold a person's past against them especially if they've been open about it.

If you're a totally tough nut and don't mind potentially being treated badly, then go for it. Personally it wouldn't be my cup of tea.

Given that you're not very far along in the relationship, I probably wouldn't bother to keep going, honestly. I just don't like people who cheat. My FIL cheated on my MIL and I don't like him because of it. Just see him differently.

Maybe I'm overly judgmental, but I figure you get one life and it's up to you who you choose to be in a relationship with.

I don't think cheating is a "one off error" in the same way as the examples you've described. Not if it's an ongoing affair with complex layers of lies.

It’s hard to know.

I cheated on my longterm boyfriend in my 20s. I’m very ashamed and will always regret it. I told him after a couple of months and we broke up. I’ve never cheated again and never will.

So cheaters can change.

On the other hand, some cheaters may do it over and over.

I think it’s kind of a good sign that he was honest about it and told you upfront, but I guess if you don’t trust him then that’s a bad sign for the relationship. You could give him another chance if you feel inclined, but you certainly don’t owe it to him and if you want cut end things that’s totally valid.

He told you this to test your boundaries. If you keep seeing him he knows he can treat you badly.
I disagree with pp who suggests giving him credit for being honest.

Have you never made a mistake?

Do you believe those old tropes like people can't change and "once a cheat always a cheat"?

Then you wont be able to trust him.

End it.

It sounds to me as if when the going gets tough, he buggers off. Things not quite right with your partner? Don't bother having an honest conversation and end it, just find someone else. Things a bit difficult when kids come along? Don't bother working it out, just split up.

I wouldn't fall for the 'oh well at least he's been honest' thing either. Cheaters know this. They'll come clean for the brownie points, not because it's the right thing to do.

I had an affair. I’d never do it again-the remorse I feel and how I wish I’d never done it is with me every day. So did my husband. We each know why we did it (not with each other, in the past) and I trust him absolutely and believe him when he talks of his regret. When I cheated, I ended the affair and also my marriage. I don’t think I could continue with a relationship which started with cheating as the guilt would destroy it in the end.

The once a cheat always a cheat is IMO often a phrase which people use in order to distance themselves from the possibility that they could cheat.

Absolutely everyone has it in them to cheat. It doesn’t mean that everyone will,but wrong time and right place or circumstance, and it could happen to anyone. Even if you’ve walked away once doesn’t mean someone else wouldn’t have the same impact.

I cheated on my ex 14 years ago. I regret it to this day, and I am totally open to the possibility that someone who was aware of my past might choose to not have a relationship with me. But it happened, and it was far from black and white, the relationship was, for the most part, emotionally abusive, and despite what people say on here, society doesn’t look favourably on people who leave a relationship for any other reason than physical abuse or infidelity.

It wasn’t planned, the affair in fact ended long before we split, but it was the catalyst, and gave me the courage to leave.

I would never do it again.

And interestingly, I know far more women who have had affairs than men. I think that once you admit to someone that you’ve had an affair, other women are far more open about the fact that they’ve cheated, because they know that other women judge them, often even women who claim to have never cheated.

In our school parent group, out of 7 parent groups, 4 ended up splitting due to infidelity, one was where the man had cheated, and the other three were all women.

We’re quick to say that only men cheat, but the reality is that the figures are pretty much equal.

Now you can end a relationship for any reason you want to. you’re not obliged to give someone a chance. That doesn’t mean though that cheating has to be a deal breaker. Most people cheat. Not all do it again.

He’s been honest.
He hasn’t cheated on you.
You don’t know him well enough to trust him yet I’d say.
I cheated on an ex but I’d never cheat on my now husband… because I know what I did was wrong and my feelings for my husband are totally not even comparable.
I’d give him a chance.

Why does someone get credit for "being honest"? That's the basic minimum I expect from another human, far less my intimate partner. Anyway, chances are you're getting a very sanitised version.

I reiterate OP - he's told you this to see where your standards are. If you're ok with it, he will assume he's got a free pass for cheating. That you'll "forgive" him. And any other shitty behaviour he fancies.

If you go ahead, make sure you're always up for a shag, regardless of illness etc. Otherwise you know he'll be off elsewhere.

People can change - but it sounds like you’ve checked out so best leave him to it.

Certain PPs are saying that they've cheated but because they were with the wrong OP/other excuse. They'd never do it with their now DH.

So you better hope you're the love of his life OP. He wants you to be on your toes, knowing you better keep him happy otherwise...

It’s not a case of cheated because of x/y. In my case I was in an abusive relationship. I had spent the last ten years being made to feel worthless, he had alienated me from my friends and family, deliberately moved us so I didn’t have a support network.

I should have left. I in fact nearly left a couple of times, but the guilt I was subjected to made me stay.

And then I got talking to someone who made me feel worthwhile, and one thing led to another.

It wasn’t months of lying/deception, there was some, but we slept together once, and after that I left my H. He would in fact have taken me back, but having actually left I had the courage to see it through, and because of the affair I could be seen as the baddy while he came out smelling of roses. Never mind that he had abused and gaslighted me for the majority of our relationship, that when he decided that sex should happen I didn’t have a choice (you get the idea?)

So while it’s perfectly understandable to judge, it’s also worth remembering that you only ever get one side of the story.

No doubt my ex would tell his own version.

But life isn’t black and white.

Equally it’s only been a month of casual dating, I wouldn’t trust a guy after a month even if he’s never cheated before, you build trust throughout the relationship so I wouldn’t throw it away just yet

No one can really answer that for you because no one here knows you, everyone will just give you their experiences which may not end up being anything like yours.
I’d give it time, after a month of dating do you really trust someone so soon anyway? I wouldn’t until they’ve shown they can be trusted.

father of two, divorced, cheated on long term partner.

Imagine you have much better dating options.

You have doubts, enough reason to end the relationship.

I think it would be harder to find someone who has never cheated than somebody who has been unfaithful in the past, on some level.

He's being honest and he didn't have to be so upfront so I do thinkthst counts for something. Yes cheating should be acknowledged as a red flag but that doesn't mean once a cheater, always a cheater. It very much depends on the reasons, every relationship has a different dynamic. There are just too many variables to determine if a past outcome will result in the same with a new person.
I would be more concerned that he walked out on his young family, to me that shows more irresponsibility and being a fairweather partner.

I cheated in my first marriage. I don’t regret it. I was abused and walked out on many times and I met someone who didn’t treat me like a worthless piece of shit on his shoe. I eventually gathered my balls and left. When I met my second husband he was so completely different and I knew this relationship was too precious and worth too much to ever risk doing it again. The thought has never entered my mind.

There's quite a bit of baggage there already and you have yet to venture into meeting his children etc.
If you have doubts at this early stage due to his confession regarding cheating then it might be best to walk away and find someone else less complicated.

I am not sure - it would depend on the context for me. I would be less impressed if it had been done as a mature adult in a committed relationship with children. It depends also how it came to light too. Were they the ones who fessed up out of guilt or did their partner find out? How long did it go on for? Did they do some work afterwards like counselling to get to the bottom of why they cheated - for example an unhappy relationship, pattern by parent etc?
To me cheating in an established relationship is doing the dirty to multiple people, including children, risking the break up of their homes and relationships with their parents. I take it very seriously.

Exactly, it's the old "you knew at the start I would hurt you, as I told you".

It's a few weeks, I would move on.