To end things because of cheating in prior relationship?

[ellajhewitt]

Been seeing a guy. Only a month in and seeing each other here and there, so no major investment thus far.

We've been getting to know each other. He is divorced with 2 children. I have never been married and do not have children.

We got talking about cheating (tangent from a celebrity cheating scandal we were talking about). He told me he cheated, to be with his ex-wife. They each had partners when they met - and they went on to have an affair with each other. They then went 'public' and later got married. Marriage broke down - which he said wasn't for cheating reasons (but I can't imagine a relationship built on cheating would be a healthy and long-standing one).

He said the cheating was awful and caused immense pain to others etc... (shocker!) and that when they had children, that's when the marriage broke down.

They co-parent 'well' apparently, but I don't know enough at this point.

The thing is, I just don't trust him. I suppose that's easy to say right now as I just found this about 12 hour ago out, but still. Cheating goes against my values. He said he wanted to tell me the truth upfront and that he'd never do it again - and it changed him as a person. But cheaters aren't known for their honesty.

As I am not quite invested yet and certainly not attached, would it just be best to walk away?

I have NEVER cheated and never would. I just couldn't ever do it. Has anyone had an experience like this? How did it pan out?

You are allowed to end a relationship for any reason. You have a boundary about cheating - so do I. He has cheated. Do not feel bad about ending it. That is your boundary and it doesn’t matter what anyone on MN thinks about it.

People can change, but they don’t often do so if they get what they want acting the way they did. I wouldn’t be able to trust him.

Dump him. People don't change.

If you don't trust him now you never will. Walk away you don't have the same values and that will be a bone of contention

I would tend to take it a bit easy on him I may be biased - I was trapped in a failed marriage and had an affair before I left. The new relationship carried on for 6 years before I was cheated on.... But he's been honest and open about it now, I think that counts for something. It can take a lot of strength to leave a relationship that has withered and died, rather than suffered a massive hit, unless there's someone else, not all of us have that strength.

His values don't align with yours. That's enough reason to end it IMO.

I think you should end it because you already don't trust him and its only been a month! However I don't believe that " once a cheat always a cheat". Yes some men are serial cheats, my ex husband was one of them and it took me many painful years to figure this out. One of my parents had an affair that caused the breakdown of their marriage to my other parent. They married the affair partner and have been happily ( and faithfully) married now for over 30 years! People cheat for different reasons.

Once a Cheater, always a cheater... IMHO...

We either are, or we aren't.

I was married for 30 years (partner passed away in 2021)... never once entertained the thought of cheating... even when the physical aspect of our relationship dwindled...

I would love to give you a bit of advice... but it's not my place to intervene. Do what you feel is right ... follow your heart and gut instinct. Please don't let your ❤️ get broken... 💕

It sounds like neither of you are invested.
No passion in your words , he wasn't upfront it was brought up due to a celebrity cheating topic blazé.
Cut your losses hun.
Make sure first date questions are have you cheated in past relationships ;)

Tricky. Thing is you will never know.

I am scarred from a man who was 'honest' about his past cheating, except he was lying about it - it was much worse and more extensive than he said - and, surprise surprise - he still was a serial obsessive cheat. I think he only told me to give me the illusion that he was an upfront and honest man. He wasn't.

Though your guy may be telling the truth. Cheating in early life relationships is not that uncommon, relationships are more fluid with fewer life commitments. And people do learn from past mistakes.

It doesn't sound like you're invested enough to take the risk.
Coupled with him having kids, so having to maintain a relationship with his ex wife.
It's a lot.

Apart from the cheating (which obviously is a glaring red flag) there's "when they had children, that's when the marriage broke down." Why? If she left him was it because he didn't split childcare/household work equally? Or did he abandon a young family? Or was he not getting the attention/sex he expected? Enough time on mumsnet has taught me to be wary of men whose marriages break down at that point.

How long ago was the cheating?

How old was he? The kids?

Listen sister: The World is full of ' Cheaters'
To guard against any misunderstandings is to
' not rush this relationship'
B. T. W. Its good that you talk.
Do not enter into any major investing with this guy.
Buying Property.
Having A Pet.
Having A Child........until : major work has been done.
If and When the subject of Marriage . comes up, THEN you BOTH go to a minister for counselling.
If he refuses - its a huge red flag.

Honey the great news is that your not to attached and he hasn't sucked you in yet, you know your worth and if you got to involved with him he will only hurt you people like that don't change they don't see things the way we do, you know your worth and there is someone out there worthy of you and he's not the one....I would leave someone who don't meet my level x

I'd be wary that he's downplaying the cheating and the break up.
He could have told you the nice version.

You've no kids,you don't trust him,what's the point in torturing yourself if he's late home.
It's not worth it.
Leave and be happy with someone else.

I think of the ex wife and kids as being a bigger problem to be honest.
Do you want children of your own? Does he want more children himself if you do? Are you prepared to be able to be a step parent if it all goes well and blend families in a healthy way? These questions are huge and, pertinently, important to you and right now, not in the past.

The affair before was long ago and before you even knew him. What you do know so far is:

1. He’s been upfront about this. He could’ve lied but is wanting to go into a new relationship with transparency
2. He’s not making excuses for previous cheating, he’s open and contrite about the hurt caused. If he was giving you “yeah, I did this bad thing, but…” line I’d say this was a massive red flag. He’s not made excuses or tried to justify past behaviour.
3. It was an exit affair. Now I’m not saying this is right AT ALL. But not all affairs are equal. He found love elsewhere, he wasn’t spending family money on multiple assignations with sex workers, or having multiple one night stands. If anyone who has cheated can change and learn from their mistakes it is the one who had an exit affair, not the serial womanizer
4. Assuming he’s telling the truth that he and ex broke up without infidelity involved I take this to be a sign that he has changed. Leaving a marriage where kids are involved would be MUCH harder than his previous relationship as there was more on the line and more to lose. To have the courage to end it properly without a third party shows enormous growth of character imho.

But all that is irrelevant if it’s not something you can overlook, and not if the answers to my first questions about future plans don’t match up.

He’s got a fuck ton of baggage, so I’d dump for that reason. Who wants a man with kids and exes in tow, when you yourself are child-free?

I think cheating is more complicated than labelling every single person who does it as a ‘cheat who can’t be trusted’.
(I have never physically cheated on someone before you tar me with the same brush. Yes I have been cheated on by an ex years ago)

the issue is here, you don’t trust him. It has changed your opinion on him.

see how you feel in a few days but it sounds like for you, it’s a deal breaker. Doenst mean it would be to someone else.

Leopards don't change their spots. He is a cheater and will always have his eye elsewhere. Don't put yourself through that. Run for the hills.

You don’t trust him, so it’s never going to work. I believe that people can make mistakes and not be doomed to repeat them but I also believe you should trust your instincts.

You're absolutely entitled not to trust him and chuck him back.

But I'm actually a bit more concerned about the fact that it was having children that did them in. Having a baby does put a strain on your relationship but I'd want to know exactly why theirs couldn't survive it. It can be indicative of certain behaviours.

I think... he didn't have to tell you. He probably could've gotten away with not telling you, then you'd get emotionally invested, then you'd find out. That's a lot harder. In effect, what happened with his exes is really none of your business, so he didn't OWE you an explanation. He offered it anyway 🤷🏼‍♀️

I cheated on my ex husband. That was pushing 20 years ago and I've never done it since. He was an absolute weapon but I regret my actions. I should've just left.

My question to you is: does his previous behaviour indicate you would be less secure with him than with someone who's never cheated? Anyone can cheat at any time for any reason. Personally, I'd take someone who admitted to it and expressed regret for their actions over someone who's never been presented with the opportunity and doesn't know how they'll react. All cheating ever takes is a single moment of weakness. Wrong place, wrong time, wrong emotional backdrop. Anyone is susceptible from the eye of a perfect storm.

I agree with this

Personally I think cheating is probably circumstantial for most, and I don't believe in the once a cheater rhetoric.

But it really isn't for me or anyone else to draw your line in the sand for you. You know what you're comfortable with and what are your absolute nos and turn offs better than anyone else does. If you don't like this about him then walk away. You don't owe him anything.