Why don't parents feed children what they eat?

[Gruffallowhydidntyouknow]

Twice this week I have had conversations with people that make me wonder why in the UK we are obsessed with children's food and feeing children bland foods.

One friend told me that they were furious at their mother in law, as they had been for Sunday lunch at the weekend and had had to go to Tesco to get food in for their children (5,7, 10) because it was ridiculous that they were being offered the roast beef dinner.

Another friend was bemoaning cooking two different meals as she had to cook something the children would eat and something separate for her and her wife. She laughed and said she couldn't wait until they were old enough to eat curry (8 year old twins).

I despair at the sight of pub menus as it's always beige and chips for the children or a token tomato pasta unless you are in a really nice place. Is that really how people feed children?

I have literally never made separate foods with the exception of not giving my children steak pre teeth.

I'm genuinely intrigued what makes people feed their children separately. Is it that people really believe that children won't eat normal foods? Do people think you "shouldn't" give children spicey foods, or Game/ an olive / duck / stir fry?

Is it that they were weaned on plain things and are now fussy?

I'm not talking about the tiny portion of additional needs selective eaters.

We did baby led weaning from 6 months and my son would hoover up literally anything, all kinds of spicy and unusual foods. Then he got to about 2 then became increasingly fussy.

It's quite common for kids to prefer bland food it's not necessarily because that's what they've been weaned on or because their parents don't try to feed them differently

We have the same meals. I'll take a portion out if we want to add salt/spice not suitable for our 5 yo.

The only time I'd make a separate meal is if we are having a take away/get home really late.

People will come at me for this, but because people are now raising a generation of snowflakes and children that rule the roost!! I’ve never cooked two meals, they’ve always eaten what I’ve cooked. Yes I may have cooked a mild chilli/curry compared to normally cooking a spicy one. Never done the chicken nuggets fish finger thing either!!

DD is 15. I’m still waiting for her to grow out of the ‘fussy phase’ she entered aged about 6.
Up to around then, ate everything I ate. I was a GREAT parent. Then she gradually started rejecting stuff. And now she eats mostly pasta and fruit.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news!! I’ve given up - 10 years of ‘eat this or don’t eat (she didn’t eat) or ‘try it - you only have to eat a mouthful’ haven’t worked. I’m waiting until she moves out!!

So many smug parents. I’ve done pretty much everything suggested - she weaned on what we ate, she had to try things (repeatedly), we didn’t give in…
Turns out she came with her own taste buds and I haven’t been able to parent her out of that.

DD2 on the other hand … a hoover.

Lucky you if your child will eat what you eat! After throwing the same uneaten meals in the bin time after time, which is wasteful and uneconomical, it just makes sense to feed them meals you know they will eat.

I like spicy food and the kids didn't really like it. When they were 2 and 6 we probably ate the same meal 3-4 nights per week and different 2-3 nights (e.g. they'd have a chicken pie and peas and we would have a Thai curry. Now (aged 6 ad 10) we eat the same thing 6-7 nights per week but occasionally if I fancy something very spicy that they aren't going to eat I do separate meals. They also won't eat a big bowl of salad which I like to eat for dinner in the summer. We've slowly built up their tolerance to chilli so they are eating moderately spicy food now. The salads are still a work in progress. They are fine with cooked veg, raw pepper and cucumber or something like mozzarella, basil and tomato salad but they aren't keen on lettuce, olives, raw onion, halloumi. Either I have to stop eating these foods, or I try to feed them to the kids and they will barely eat anything, or I make them something different on those nights.

Monday to Thursday the kids usually have something different to what we have, Friday night is either eat out or takeaway night, and at weekends we eat the same/a similar meal. I think a lot of the making 2 meals stems from me being vegetarian, and they are not so keen on a vegetable centered meal. Tonight parents had a homemade veg Thai curry, I find it fairly spicy so I don't think either of the kids would tolerate it. Husband made the Thai curry and I made the kids homemade pizzas, with leftovers to be used for packed lunches tomorrow. At weekends we do things like a roast or a vegetable stir fry with meat on the side, where the kids eat mostly rice and meat and I have rice and stir fry veg. Life would be easier if we did all eat the same meal though.

Lots of parents fall into people pleasing syndrome for an easier life (in the short term) I guess. I suspect when these children grow into adults and expect their spouse/partner to make them a separate meal or cook them extra this or that or won’t eat normally, it won’t come across as quite so endearing.

Develpomentally the fussiness I think is supposed to increase in toddler years (control?!). You just have to push past it and keep eating the same foods together, even if sometimes it looks like they haven't had much (precluding more exreme cases). We're just out the other side with youngest aged 4 and back to them eating most things like they did weaning.

My son hates most foods. There's not one dinner I make he actually eats. I just call it binner at this stage as that's where it goes every single day!

mine both eat normal food and I make one thing for us all there is no way I’m bothering to make multiple different dinners or only beige food

So mine ate everything till about the age of 2. I still refuse to make separate food but....
We eat curry, rice and veg- child eats rice and veg
We eat chicken, yorkshire pudding and veg- child eats yorkshire pudding, gravy and veg
We eat spaghetti bolognese with veg- she eats veg and spaghetti

Literally can't get her to try meat or vegetarian substitutes or sauces- so I adapt dinner slightly so she has a plain version. She eats pretty healthy mainly veg and fruit with some carbs sometimes and lots of milk!!

If I was in that situation I’d be apologizing that my kids are fussy and won’t eat a roast dinner not whining about having to go to Tesco! But both grandmothers would make sure there was something they would eat, or the really fussy one anyway. 3 kids all eat differently all brought up the same. Oh mother of 9 month old who eats everything, they mostly do at that age….just wait! Keep your nerve when they start saying no. Pushing away food they once ate and asking for other things. That’s when it gets hard!!

I totally agree about the beige offerings when dining out.

Luckily, I had two children who were close in age, so when we ate out, I could ask the restaurant to split a main meal onto two plates.

I have an 11 DD who will eat anything and is very adventurous with foods and an 8 year old DS who was just as adventurous until he hit about 3 years old and began to outright refuse to eat most foods, unless it's pasta based. I tried for a long time to have everyone eating the same meal but our DD was either bored of yet another variation on pasta or my DS was hungry because he would refuse to eat if I'd cooked something else.

My DS is improving slowly and trying new things again now but I do have to make sure that I have alternatives in for him so that we all get a nice meal. I then find if he has something he knows he likes he's more willing to try our different meals.

I think some children are just very fussy and I wouldn't judge the parents too hard as they're probably tearing their hair out in private trying to work out how they can get them to eat better.

I would genuinely like to know if there are this many fussy eaters in other counties.

I would 'eat anything' (other than most veg, liver, butter beans, strong tasting fish) as a kid, because 'anything' was usually potato based, with some kind of meat, carrots and cauliflower boiled into submission.

As an adult, I discovered a whole range of foods, then became pescatarian. The dc were weaned on all manner of foods and sauces. Nursery fed them interesting food too. I was not going to have fussy eaters: they would eat what they were given.

Mealtimes were split though, as dc would be fed about 530 and we'd have tea after they went to bed. Ds couldn't cope with fizzy drinks or strongly flavoured crisps.

Then they had tea at cm 3 days a week.
Then at least twice a week was something quick, due to clubs etc.

Gradually, into his teens, ds has become more fussy around food. Plain couscous; mild- not tangy- tomato sauces,eggs etc. Loves broccoli. Gets genuinely upset when he has a plate put in front of him with food he feels he can't eat. And he would rather go without. You see the signs- slow eating. Pushing food round. The Face.

Dc would eat pretty much what we do, but dh can only taste food if it's that spicy it makes your nose run. Although that makes me 'dramatic'. She will, at least try other things. But still won't eat broccoli.

I agree. Kids menus are so boring. I also think it’s sad when a child eats alone and parents eat together later (obviously can’t be helped with work schedules etc!). Most of our friends do separate ‘kids food’. I never have and always eat with the children whenever possible and I think it probably helped my kids willingness to try different foods. They resolutely will not eat salad though so if adults want that ill do different veg for them. Similarly my husband won’t eat cauliflower so he can have more broccoli. Cooking totally different meals just seems so much hard work and likely to create fussy eaters. I think there is a cultural norm around it. Of course some kids have ARFID or special needs which very much restrict their meals but I suspect a lot of fussiness could be lessened by eating the same meals as and with parents.

For people who have non-fussy eaters , do you think any particular strategy worked.

Our toddler has become increasingly fussy, even started rejecting favourite foods, like spitting it out as soon as it touches her lips then demands something else. We are trying to follow nursery strategy which is to offer the food and if she says no take it away and we offer the plate she didn't eat when she asks for food again. No alternatives offered.

What did you do when your toddler rejected the family food? Any tips?

I’m with you. I always gave my daughter the same food as me and now she has a very varied palate. I had a guest order McDonalds via Deliveroo to my house once when I served the kids the same food as I was serving the adults. I said nothing, but boy did I judge.

Serve the same meals but include 1-2 foods you know they will eat. Eg. Today we had a tofu and chickpea curry. My DD doesn't like tofu but she ate around it and had all the chickpeas, tomatoes and rice. She used to refuse this meal altogether when she was 2, so back then I'd include cucumber sticks and did chicken instead of tofu.

Toddlers are usually super picky. My 5 yo still is quite picky, but will almost always try foods before saying she doesn't like them and is starting to accept more foods as she grows older.

The people with kids who eat everything got very lucky!!

The trouble with ds, is that he eats with his head. He's decided he won't like something before he even tries it, then if he does force himself, it just confirms his previous views. He's also given to taking sudden dislikes to food he's eaten many times before 'because it tastes wrong'. He will happily eat shit he finds growing in hedges or the undergrowth. He'd probably eat one of us, if he had to. But nothing with any flavour. Some parents weep for the days their kids first smiled; I weep over the hours I spent making him aubergine tagine or chickpea curry when he was weaning... and when he ate the lot.

OP I agree with you so so so much

My DD3 bloody loves a roast dinner as well

It's like when you see a family having a delicious meal out and they give the youngest a Ella pouch to eat wtaf I'd be pissed if I was that baby too

What annoys me is the menus never have proper food on the kids menu, it's always the same sausage/fishfingers/chicken nuggets with chips and peas of beans

Firstly, we do often eat at separate times during the week as we are a very active family and almost weeknights involve one or more of us going out to some sports training. So I either cook something in the SC and we help ourselves at the appropriate time, or I cook something for the children and reheat it for us or cook us something different. That doesn’t mean that my children are fussy eaters. It does mean that some nights I cook two separate suppers. Some nights the children have two suppers if they eat early and then are starving again later on when we eat! I do have one child that is very adventurous and will give any food a go, whereas the other is more suspicious of new foods. Both eat a wide range of food though and although they enjoy a chicken nugget or a pizza, they also eat curry, vegetable chilli, mackerel, roasts or whatever else I’m cooking. Out of all their friends I only know one really fussy eater, and his sister isn’t fussy at all so it’s clearly not that their parents have made the child fussy.

I think some children are naturally more cautious with new foods than others and also some prefer blander food. That’s fine, they’ll grow out of it.

And I do believe people that their kids are fussy but sometimes I think it's because they've given up offering certain foods too soon

My daughter was allergic to eggs and it was only when she was 2 that we were cleared by the hospital of an egg allergy (she had grown out of it). So we started introducing eggs again and we had to offer them over and over and over and over again then suddenly recently she will eat soft boiled eggs and enjoys them (still working on fried and scrambled)

But if we had given up the 3rd/4th/5th time then she'd be missing out on all the nutritional benefits of having eggs