Why don't parents feed children what they eat?

[Gruffallowhydidntyouknow]

Twice this week I have had conversations with people that make me wonder why in the UK we are obsessed with children's food and feeing children bland foods.

One friend told me that they were furious at their mother in law, as they had been for Sunday lunch at the weekend and had had to go to Tesco to get food in for their children (5,7, 10) because it was ridiculous that they were being offered the roast beef dinner.

Another friend was bemoaning cooking two different meals as she had to cook something the children would eat and something separate for her and her wife. She laughed and said she couldn't wait until they were old enough to eat curry (8 year old twins).

I despair at the sight of pub menus as it's always beige and chips for the children or a token tomato pasta unless you are in a really nice place. Is that really how people feed children?

I have literally never made separate foods with the exception of not giving my children steak pre teeth.

I'm genuinely intrigued what makes people feed their children separately. Is it that people really believe that children won't eat normal foods? Do people think you "shouldn't" give children spicey foods, or Game/ an olive / duck / stir fry?

Is it that they were weaned on plain things and are now fussy?

I'm not talking about the tiny portion of additional needs selective eaters.

We started out feeding our child exactly the same as us. We did this till they were about 7 but also added safe foods to the meals so they at least ate something.
they have sensory processing so food is a major issue, will only eat really strong flavours (spicy noodles, chilli squid, roast dinner covered in gravy etc)
now we make tweaked versions of what we’re having.
we might have salmon with rice and roast veg. They’ll have rice with cucumber and pepper and smoked salmon.
Or if we want something they won’t touch at all we’ll make pasta or sausage and mash for them.

dont judge someone until you’ve walked in their shoes OP!

Baby soon learns that A) they're getting attention whilst being fed and B) they can get more attention by eating/not eating/throwing food etc. So many people have hang ups about food that they unknowingly pass on. And kids are smart. They really do know how to get us to interact. It's just sometimes it gets stressful, and its far easier to give in and let your child eat what they want, rather than battle it out.
I know I'm going to get flack for this, but I do think it contributes to why people end up cooking different meals and picking 'safe' food whilst eating out.

@Seaside3 you said parents effectively give in to attention seeking behaviour, and that parents give their kids what they want for an easy life rather than battle it out.

I’m not going to turn something that should be a treat into a battleground unnecessarily. Yes parents will order beige food from a kids menu, it was your opinion on the reasons for that I was challenging.

That’s fine as long as you have a child that will still eat the safe foods if they are on the same plate as the other food, or served at the same time. And the unsafe food doesn’t smell.

My daughter eats what we eat. There's no alternative offered.

Except there aren’t food shortages here. So unless the parents are abusive they aren’t actually going to starve their children until they are desperate are they?

You are lucky you chanced to get a child without food issues.

Did she just do that naturally or do you think it’s something you’ve done differently with your parenting to others?

I don't think I've done anything different to any other parent, I just cook our family meal and we all eat it. Sometimes she's fussy like most children and just picks at it, but most of the time she eats it. If she doesn't eat her dinner there's not an alternative cooked for her. She's a well nourished child. Perhaps I've been lucky not to have a fussy eater. I suppose it might help that neither me or my DW are fussy eaters, but I don't know.

Op already said she is not talking about the tiny proportion of kids with sensory or other issues.

I completely agree with you Op but my DS is veggie and also has sensory issues around texture and is quite restricted in what he will eat. He is getting a lot better (teenager now), so much more able to eat more of what everyone else eats. However, from a young age he has enjoyed spicy and salty foods.

That's not really true at all. IME fussy eating just isn't really a thing. But in part that's because the diet is based around a few staples rather than the variety we eat here. It wouldn't even register that a child "won't" eat the only food on offer 6 days a week. It's not really comparable to "fussiness" in 2024 British children.

My kids always had the same as me but if they didn’t like a particular part of it that would be omitted (usually a veg). Too much work making completely different food if there’s no special dietary needs.

That's not really true at all. IME fussy eating just isn't really a thing. But in part that's because the diet is based around a few staples rather than the variety we eat here. It wouldn't even register that a child "won't" eat the only food on offer 6 days a week. It's not really comparable to "fussiness" in 2024 British children.

I disagree. I am from a poor country and grew up poor, and ate far more variety than British children. Easily 30 types of veggies per week, much before anyonec came up with the Zoe diet.

Kids will eat whatever you give them with exceptions of specific hatreds. Our DC will merrily tuck into vietnamese, japanese, pub lunch, pizza, Mexican et al, but isn't fond of curry (yet). I honestly think the beige food brigade is more a reflection of the horrible food most brits keep in the house: fish fingers, chicken nuggets, smiley chips, all gross and major drivers of childhood obesity.

Meals were a battleground in my house growing up. I simply can't be arsed to fight everyone and would rather they ate pasta until they leave home and sort themselves out

Less effort to cook 2 things than have a stressful time

Oh yeah and we eat in front of the telly too

This is also my experience. My child is pretty good at breakfast and lunch but the range of dinner foods they accept is very small and seems to be getting smaller 😭 They never accepted pasta, rice, anything like bolognase which is saucy with lots of ingredients mixed together. Reluctant to try new things. Sometimes I insist which usually results in a massive battle which isn't really worth it.

DC doesn't just eat beige foods though - their diet is repetitive but pretty healthy imo. Homemade granola, homemade bread, cheese, ham, pate, most fruit, lentil and veg soup, potatoes, peanut butter homemade fish fingers, sausages, meatballs.

I'm also assuming they'll grow out of it.

It's not just the British. I googled when dc wouldn't eat rice and there were plenty of Indian people posting online in despair that their child would only eat chapatis.

Never used to make two meals. Children were served whatever we ate. Now they refuse most things other than bland and definitely if you have to chew it. So there are a LOT of dinners I do not like that I cannot serve if I want them to actually eat. I spend a lot of time adapting recipes to tempt them of giving alternatives to what we eat because otherwise they would starve.

If it works for you that’s great. It’s not that easy for everyone.

I have a 1YO that even when on milk wasn’t a hungry baby. He is a slow weight gainer and according to the dietician “is not excited by food or drink”. I used to cook up all sorts for him to try, I still offer him bits off our plate (most of which gets thrown on the floor), he very much wants to use his hands and won’t entertain cutlery apart from to play with and chew on). Due to his slow weight gain and the stress of him not eating we give him what he will eat in the hope that we can gradually add more things to it (making him eat stuff he doesn’t want means you have to force feed him and we would end up giving him an aversion). After stressing for so long about things I’ve reached the point of, “ if he will eat it, he can have it” and “if it will help him gain weight”.

I’m aware that this might mean I end up making different meals when he is older. But that is better than the impact him refusing to eat would have on his physical and developmental health.

Also, children can just be fussy. My nephews (siblings) eat completely differently. One will eat everything but mushrooms, and the other is extremely fussy (at one point he would only eat plain pasta). They will have been weaned exactly the same way.

I’ve looked after children for getting on for 20 years. I’ve had some SEN children, food phobias, allergies. None of them have been fed consistent bland food, I totally agree op.

The vast majority of children can be brought up eating a total variety of healthy meals like adults can.

I used to cook meatball bolognaise for a little boy with ASD where eating was a bit of a struggle. It was something he would eat and I could put lots of veggies in it. His Nan took a look at it and asked me why I ‘didn’t just give him fish fingers’ 🤷‍♀️

I’m hoping this doesn’t come across as a superior parent, as I genuinely don’t mean it to at all.

I don’t think there is a lot of support or advice on weaning. My son is 19 months old and I did a heck of research and followed Solid Starts which was a fantastic resource when we started weaning.

One thing we never did was put pressure on our LO around mealtimes. Fruit served alongside the main meal and can be eaten in any order that they wanted, offering the same thing in different formats, and BLW from the beginning, which I think has massively helped and why he eats everything and likes trying new things.

From seeing my niece and nephew at meal times, it’s a whole other story. Every meal time is a battle and lots of bribery and negotiating for them to eat one little bit. I now think they’ve got into a habit and it’s hard to reverse that without a lot of work.

Bit of a ramble, but I think lack of resource on weaning is a massive problem and therefore parents fall into a habit of trying to get children to eat, so then fall back on ‘safe’ foods which tend to be plain pasta etc.

Because children develop their own preferences from the food you offer and often this develops into a rejection of all but the preferred foods. Children can be extremely intranscient about what they eat and often the parents concern over them being hungry overrides the theory 'they will eat what theyre given if they become sufficiently hungry'.
Many of us grew up in homes where meal times became miserable battle grounds with food variously weaponised and used as a bribe, which is very unhealthy. Food is primarily fuel and the main concern is to ensure children get sufficient of it to remain healthy. Ideally your children will be compliant and easy going about what they eat as this makes your life considerably easier. If you're a parent to one of the many who are not, you have to do the best you can with the situation you have.

Some children will and some won’t. I had twins weaned from the same pot of very adventurous food that we ate.One merrily ate anything and the other filtered baby rice with disgust from day 1 turning into a beige dry eater( which he was rarely given as a child) as an adult.

My DC have always eaten what we eat.
However, I have one fussy eater but the way I delt with it is choice!
I don't plate up the food. The food is placed on the table and everyone takes what they like & the amounts they want.

(Obviously I helped when DC were younger.)
I make sure there is always bread or salad on the table- something everyone eats. (Yep my DC are aliens, they eat salad!)

I never forced DC to eat anything on the contrary their curiosity made them try new foods. Sometimes they didn't like it, which is fine. Never made a comment or a big issue around it.
I think that's were many parents go wrong. As soon as DC won't eat something or their plain choice of just dry pasta isn't seen as healthy/ a full meal we fuss and offer alternatives. Food soon becomes a battle ground and means of control.

Whereas in the majority of DC its just a phase.

As for my fussy eater, in her pre teens we explored a lot of different foods. Worked out likes and dislikes. For DC it's a sensory issue. I then taught her about foods and exploring safe options in order to eat a healthy diet.

DC is at uni now and by the looks of it eating healthy.

I'm not British, if that makes a difference, but DC are raised in UK

I've always fed my children the same as we're eating. They both went through fussy stages (for a few months my son would pretty much only eat beetroot!), that's normal developmental behaviour for toddlers, I carried on feeding our normal foods though and they got used to it eventually, there was always bread or porridge if they didn't eat their dinner but I did not cook whole other meals. With my youngest I gave him spicy (mildly spicy) foods regularly as a baby when I was weaning him because I don't tend to cook spicy foods but I wanted to expose him to them. My daughter is still fussy in some ways, as in not wanting her food to touch but that's easily manageable with separate bowls and now at 13 she's starting to get less fussy about that.

Nursery really helped with the fussy stages because at nursery they all eat the same food so plenty of peer pressure to try foods. Same at school. I don't know how children with ARFID manage though, because there's no alternatives and no packed lunches.

The OP said they weren’t talking about children with additional needs around food, so I don’t get why so many people are mentioning that.

Again - back to children without those needs, I think the U.K. has got into a habit of giving children crap food as kiddie meals. I remember when my oldest DC was 16 months old we were on holiday in the U.K. and went into a restaurant where the waitress told us they didn’t have a kids menu. When I said that that was ok as she’d just eat some of our food, they stared at me open-mouthed. Eventually they were persuaded to bring a small plate where I separated out some of our food and my DD ate it all. The waitress seemed astounded!

As a child myself, when we were on holiday abroad there were no kids meals. We just ate whatever the adults were eating. I remember my mum commenting on a French toddler eating mashed up kidneys and something else.

All my children are given the same food as me with slight adjustments if necessary, eg less spice in their portion. Although some children do have issues with food and they have additional requirements, there are far more children whose fussiness around food has been caused by a lack of variety and experience of normal food.