Why don't parents feed children what they eat?

[Gruffallowhydidntyouknow]

Twice this week I have had conversations with people that make me wonder why in the UK we are obsessed with children's food and feeing children bland foods.

One friend told me that they were furious at their mother in law, as they had been for Sunday lunch at the weekend and had had to go to Tesco to get food in for their children (5,7, 10) because it was ridiculous that they were being offered the roast beef dinner.

Another friend was bemoaning cooking two different meals as she had to cook something the children would eat and something separate for her and her wife. She laughed and said she couldn't wait until they were old enough to eat curry (8 year old twins).

I despair at the sight of pub menus as it's always beige and chips for the children or a token tomato pasta unless you are in a really nice place. Is that really how people feed children?

I have literally never made separate foods with the exception of not giving my children steak pre teeth.

I'm genuinely intrigued what makes people feed their children separately. Is it that people really believe that children won't eat normal foods? Do people think you "shouldn't" give children spicey foods, or Game/ an olive / duck / stir fry?

Is it that they were weaned on plain things and are now fussy?

I'm not talking about the tiny portion of additional needs selective eaters.

Yes! Ours eat at 5 too

@RiderofRohan your sense of cultural superiority and the issue of fussy children are two different things.

I actually don't believe there's NO fussy kids in your culture even if you don't know them personally. Some kids have food and sensory issues.

My kids eat what we eat, sometimes a little adapted for personal taste. And we're white 😮as are many saying the same thing. It's definitely not all cultural. The idea of providing a whole separate meal maybe, but saying that all kids will eat whatever's in front of them purely due to culture - nah.

It's very British. Of France there isn't even a children's menu. You should see nursery school meals. It's sublime. Unfortunately the truth is, we make our kids the way they are. If you think your kids need special food and cook accordingly, they will.

I understand if it's a toddler, depending on what the food is. But any child over 3 should be able to eat 'adult' food. So I'd be looking to the parents for why this is an issue

Some children go through phases of fussiness no matter how many flavours you expose them too.

There have been times when I've fed the DC separately even though they'll generally eat whatever. When they were a bit younger and generally if they weren't fed by 5 pm they'd be starving. I didn't want to eat at 5 pm and waited till DH came home later.

I grew up in a culture where there was no such thing as "children's food". We just had food.

For those who say their child won't eat this or that. Sorry but that is utter nonsense. If a child is hungry, they WILL eat anything they are given. Their body will compell them. The reason children are "fussy" is because they have never experienced actual hunger pangs and know that there is always an alternative to whatever food they dont like. It's performance eating.

Do you think kids in poorer countries, where there are genuine food shortages, are refusing beans and rice because they would prefer chicken nuggets instead!

@Gruffallowhydidntyouknow

I with you OP, I never gave my kids separate meals even when weaning. Just made sue what we where eating was appropriate. DD at 7 months sat down to Christmas Dinner. And they both love a roast and have for years.

I don't get the cooking two different meals either as long as your careful they can have everything you have.

To be honest mine are worse now as sometimes I have to cook something slight different for DS 13 as he's a bit fussy.

When I worked in childcare in France we were put through some French classes in childcare. I remember the advice was that if a child didn’t eat their meal that you were to take it away and later when they said they were hungry to bring it out again. I think a lot of parents just cook something else and so the child learns they can get alternatives if they refuse to eat the first meal.

Mine generally do eat different food to us, because they eat at different times. If we're all eating at the same time I'll try to do something we'll all eat.

I'm blessed with fussy eaters - husband being the worst culprit. Its obviously rubbed off on the kids, and neither of us are happy about it. He also works long hours so by the time we eat the kids are in bed - and i/he doesn't really want reheated food.

I am making a conscious effort to eat more of the same meals, but its hard once you're in that pattern. I definitely didn't grow up eating different food to my parents.

I was a fussy eater as a child. When very young I would eat hardly anything and would just totally refuse to eat, don’t remember ever feeling hungry. It’s was the 70s and 80s and like now everyone who had kids that eat feels more superior and gave my mum advice. I remember being forced to eat some potato waffles once when my mum was giving this advice a go ( bizarrely nowadays potato waffles would be criticised as one of the beige food we feed children, but in those days they were a new exiting food part of a family meal) and being sick straight after, can’t remember another time so maybe my mum gave up after that. I remember the dinner ladies at school trying to force me to eat, would be watching the hatch for when they were otherwise engaged and go up and scrape full plate into the slops before they noticed, also remember throwing bits of food under the table at primaryschool to get rid of it. I just seemed to get better through my teenage years and now eat a wide variety although I still don’t like meat and I’m not a fan of most root vegetables but there’s lots of other healthy stuff. Adult pallette must become more developed but I remember it mainly being the texture of food that was the issue, it physically made me feel sick

Mine is quite a good eater thankfully but there are days that I will make him something different from us if I know 100% he won't eat it because I would rather he has the nutrients he needs than another battle over food. We always give him new things to try though.
It's also hard to give him what we have every night because we use stock/ salt in some of our cooking which shouldn't be used in toddlers food.

Japan has a load of very unhealthy food sold in restaurants / bars / convenience shops.

And have you seen bentos? The whole idea is that the child will eat the food if it is presented well. A hot dog sausage cut to look like an octopus is still a hot dog sausage.

I think with Spain, France and Italy food eaten in the home isn't 'plated' it's served in dishes and people take what they want. There will always be bread on the table so any fussy child can fill up on bread.

I think in the UK there is also peer pressure at school with kids going, "Uhg" if one has something a bit different.

A friend used to live in Spain, her little boy would regularly at a plate of calamari but when they came back tot he UK things changed. He's now a 6ft adult who believes one of your five a day should be a pizza and is hard done by if he only has it twice a week.

Because there's a few meals that I make - ie red prawn Thai curry, beef in black bean etc that my son simply does not like. Why would I force him to eat something when I know he doesn't like the taste of it? If he's tried these things before then I'm happy for him to have something else. For example, his absolute favourite meal is salmon and new potatoes - something I don't actually like. So on the days we're having something he dislikes, we will make him his salmon. I can't see anything wrong with making your child different meals, my son eats way healthier than me!

The idea of providing separate meals is cultural. This is what I said. I don't think white kids are biologically more fussy than non-white kids.

And I actually said kids' and adults' preferences should be taken into account when cooking a family meal. But this is totally different from cooking separate meals.

No but there are fussy children in poorer countries that don’t eat the beans/rice and just die, I don’t think that’s something we should be aspiring to. There was another similar thread recently talking about the old days and children not being fed seperate things came up and in those days there were children that ended up in hospital long term with “failure to thrive” which in reality were prob the children that wouldn’t eat

Recently I've been trying to make sure we have some parts the same - e.g. we'll have fajitas but the kids won't eat the chicken (it's there for them but they won't even touch it) so I'll cook them some plain chicken on the side. One eats it sometimes, the other still won't. They mostly choose to eat each item individually, but are occasionally now putting things inside the wrap.

It only really works when we're all eating at the same time.

My 7yo would rather starve than eat certain (normal, nonspicy) foods. I did baby-led weaning with him. He's gotten more rigid as he's grown, and we're pretty sure he's ND with possible PDA. I don't even take him to restaurants anymore. He has intensely antisocial eating habits (working on it).

The amount of energy I have for judgmental people is nil. Same for judging others. There are more important things in life, OP.

@Hereyoume that is just not true.

Children with ARFID can and will do that.

It's highly heritable too.

You are really fortunate if you're not had to.deal with it.

Nonsense.

Those were related to underlying conditions where some children had difficulty processing certain foods.

Don't confuse a medical issue with fussy eating.

No child has ever died of hunger because they didn't like rice.

How do you know?

*Japan has a load of very unhealthy food sold in restaurants / bars / convenience shops.

And have you seen bentos? The whole idea is that the child will eat the food if it is presented well. A hot dog sausage cut to look like an octopus is still a hot dog sausage*

You get unhealthy foods everywhere. No one is saying other countries don’t have sweet treats. I’ve lived in Japan and there weren’t more unhealthy foods than elsewhere and they had smaller portions.

In my experience working in different Japanese schools the entire school is served the same meal which is healthy. Never was served a hot dog, was served octopus though.

The problem is, when children are small and learning about new foods, parents no longer persevere if a child doesn't eat something first time it's offered. There is this modern anxiety around children not eating as well these days. So when they display any fussiness it's pandered to and catered to and here starts the seeds of th 'they only eat this' scenario.

In previous generations, if a child didn't eat the food offered to them they went hungry- there were no chicken nuggets and chips in the freezer. They soon got used to normal foods and actually started to enjoy them.

I think maybe you are just lucky. My children are adults now but from weaning to about 8 years old I’d say there were both excellent eaters then they started getting fussy. If something looked different or had too much flavour they wouldn’t try it. My eldest at 20 is still quite fussy but does love most healthy foods , lots of vegetables and fruit so I think that’s ok. My youngest was very picky until she went vegan and now she eats amazingly well, she will try absolutely anything. We’re all different. I don’t think parents should be lazy and cook beige food for ease but some children just don’t like other foods and they need to eat.

@Jellycatspyjamas I wasn't suggesting you should make eating our a battle ground. I was suggesting the reason many places offer such a beige kids menu is because that's what the parents order.
If people want something different most restaurants a very happy to offer soup, or a starter/sides for kids. But generally, people want something they know their kids will eat when eating out, hence the bland menus.

I was fed what my parents ate when I was little and always ate and cooked very adventurously.

But a spell of digestive issues and also adult adhd and autism diagnoses mean I eat much more simply/blandly now.

Eating what I was given was part of my masking and I do think it has taken a bit of a toll over the years.