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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should DP offer to come with me to this appointment?

69 replies

SpikyCoconut · 27/02/2024 14:51

Me and DP are long distance, moving in with one another in a few months.

DP has a history of not being very emotionally involved and being quite cold.

A while ago I had a quite severe injury, had to have several procedures and appointments as well as psychological therapies. DP completely checked out, I 'wasn't allowed' to talk about it, and wouldn't come to any appointments with me.

We have worked through this and there is some effort on DP's part.

I found a lump inside my mouth some time ago. It is really painful. At first I thought I'd just bitten myself as such but I went to the GP when it wasn't getting any better. Long story short I am going to get it checked out but they are suspecting it might be cancer.

The appointment is soon, on one of DP's days off (whole week off in fact) although DP also has an appointment-it isn't a serious one, a dental appointment for a filling that could be rescheduled. DP isn't in pain or anything such as.

I don't know if it would be unreasonable to expect DP to offer to come to it? To ask?
Be disappointed and upset if not?

It may sound silly but, I just don't know any more. I'm guessing different people would feel differently about it? Is it too much to ask?
It's a two hour drive between us and DP has that day off.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 27/02/2024 14:55

DP has a history of not being very emotionally involved and being quite cold.

DP completely checked out, I 'wasn't allowed' to talk about it, and wouldn't come to any appointments with me.

I think he’s given you very clear messages about how he feels about you needing support or what he’s prepared to offer of himself when you ask for it. I think expecting him to suddenly do an about face now isn’t “unreasonable”, but is naive. Why are you staying with him? Either you accept that he’s not going to be the person to care for you and support you in life’s difficult moments and find a good friend who’ll fulfil the role he won’t; or you break up. I know which I’d do.

BeaRF75 · 27/02/2024 14:56

Well, I have been married for decades and - as a competent adult - I would always want to go to any medical appointment completely on my own. But if you want someone with you, OP, just ask them!

BigDogEnergy · 27/02/2024 14:58

He doesn't sound like much of a "partner". Do you have someone else who could go with you who would actually provide the support you may require?

Mischance · 27/02/2024 14:58

I do not think you can expect anything in the way of normal supportive or emotional involvement from your description of him. He does not sound a keeper to me. Go find yourself a real human being!

I am very sorry about what you are going through at the moment, and hope that your mind can be put at rest.

MaggieFS · 27/02/2024 14:58

I'm not sure that I'd want someone to travel two hours each way to come with me. I'd just go and get in with it.

But I'm also not sure I'd be plan in to move in with someone who checked out and wouldn't allow me to talk about something as your previous injuries.

I know you've said you've worked through it but it all sounds a bit off.

Precipice · 27/02/2024 14:58

I would find it strange for anyone to offer to come to my medical appointments. The norm and standard is that the adult patient comes alone. If you want DP to come, it's on you to ask him.

anicecuppateaa · 27/02/2024 14:59

Agree with @BeaRF75. I recently went to a dermatologist for a suspect lump and DH didn’t offer to come, but equally I didn’t expect him to. If you want him to come, ask him to but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to go on your own to the initial appt. Hope all is ok.

Itscatsallthewaydown · 27/02/2024 14:59

And you’re moving in with him why?
He sounds rubbish.

LIZS · 27/02/2024 15:01

Sounds one way. If he cannot at least offer to support you, don't move on together.

Neverpostagain · 27/02/2024 15:03

I wouldn't even have told DH about the appointment TBF. I'd want to process that sort of information alone. But if I had asked him to come, he would come though he'd be very surprised.

Original poster
SpikyCoconut · 27/02/2024 15:05

Thank you for the perspectives everyone. I won't ask. I actually have in the past been more comfortable going to things like this alone although I've never had a cancer scare before. I just thought given our history, maybe DP 'should' want to offer at least. Even if I were to say no.

OP posts:
Superscientist · 27/02/2024 15:10

My partner now comes with me to all of our daughters hospital appointments not because I need him at the appointment but because I can easily spend an hour trying to find a parking space and often a 20 minute walk from paeds. We have a quick look for a space then he drops us off then continues looking and most of the time is able to join us as how late the clinic is running is on the same time scale as finding a space.

There are many ways a second person can make a hospital trip less stressful. I would ask but given his history I wouldn't expect him to offer. Most people I know on cancer pathways have another person with them as it can be impossible to take all the information in your self. My mum was put on it during COVID and we weren't able to go on in with her. The consultant phoned my dad separately to relay the same information he had given my mum as she was coming round from a general anaesthetic and given the news it was unlikely she processed it. She didn't process any of it and she has since been found to be clear for now.

MaggieFS · 27/02/2024 15:11

Honestly, no relationship will get far if you wait for the other person to offer to do what you think they should or hope they will. Spell it out in black and white or expect a lifetime of disappointment.

He probably hasn't even put two and two together.

saradika · 27/02/2024 15:11

My mum has had a lot of mouth issues. She occasionally gets a surprise biopsy at an appointment. I think I'd ask him if he's willing to go just in case because she struggles to drive afterwards.

Sorry, I know I'm not really answering the question!

Original poster
SpikyCoconut · 27/02/2024 15:12

@MaggieFS I've not told DP about the appointment yet. Only just been given it.

OP posts:
TheYoungestSibling · 27/02/2024 15:13

He's showing you how he is going to be with you, when the chips are down.

Heed the warning.

Original poster
SpikyCoconut · 27/02/2024 15:14

@saradika is that because of sedation or something such as? I really don't know what to expect. It's a shock, because at my first appointment the doctor told me it looked like an ulcer and siad she'd refer me to a specialist dentist. Then I got the phone call this afternoon.

OP posts:
Itscatsallthewaydown · 27/02/2024 15:15

The appointment thing is a bit of a red herring. It’s how he behaves generally that’s important, and you say that he’s cold.

BobbyBiscuits · 27/02/2024 15:15

He sounds like he's be no help at your appointment. Some people are useless in dealing with other people's illnesses.
Can you get someone else to come with, a female friend, relative?
It sounds like he's not great in general, but focus on your health first, then decide how you want to move with him.

BoohooWoohoo · 27/02/2024 15:19

Yanbu to ask him but Yabu to think that someone with a history of being unsupportive is going to suddenly be supportive.

Ask him if you would like him there or if it will annoy you later that he didn’t go. As the saying goes, when someone shows you who they are believe them. He’s not going to magically know.

Riverlee · 27/02/2024 15:20

“A while ago I had a quite severe injury, had to have several procedures and appointments as well as psychological therapies. DP completely checked out, I 'wasn't allowed' to talk about it, and wouldn't come to any appointments with me.”

That to me is the concerning paragraph. Unless he has a phobia about all things medical, then its concerning you’re weren’t allowed to talk about your injury and procedures. You don’t have to go into detail, but it’s normal to say that you were going to see the consultant in Thursday, and for him to respond with ‘How was the appointment?”.

I don’t necessarily think he has to go to this appointment, but it would be interesting to see how he responds to you talking about it, if you ‘have worked through this’.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 27/02/2024 15:21

When you say you "wasn't allowed to talk about it", what exactly do you mean?

saradika · 27/02/2024 15:21

SpikyCoconut · 27/02/2024 15:14

@saradika is that because of sedation or something such as? I really don't know what to expect. It's a shock, because at my first appointment the doctor told me it looked like an ulcer and siad she'd refer me to a specialist dentist. Then I got the phone call this afternoon.

No there's no sedation, it's the pain afterwards. You might be fine though!

To be fair I think they might spring them on her because they know she tries to avoid them.

Seas164 · 27/02/2024 15:29

Appointment aside, he's not the one for you. Don't move in with him unless you're prepared for a lonely lifetime of disappointment. There's someone out there who will settle for a cold fish of a man and be ok with it, I don't think it's you.

Original poster
SpikyCoconut · 27/02/2024 15:30

@saradika I think I'd need something before having someone cut into my mouth if I am honest. Even if I had to wait/pay/go somewhere else..Can't say I blame her for avoiding!

@Riverlee no such phobia. Very matter of fact about medical procedures in fact (personal ones).

J@Idontjetwashthefucker just went totally silent on me really-and said 'couldn't cope' with things like that. Completely checked out. Ignored me, went to sleep if I asked to call, if I was upset, things such as.

OP posts:
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