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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should DP offer to come with me to this appointment?

69 replies

SpikyCoconut · 27/02/2024 14:51

Me and DP are long distance, moving in with one another in a few months.

DP has a history of not being very emotionally involved and being quite cold.

A while ago I had a quite severe injury, had to have several procedures and appointments as well as psychological therapies. DP completely checked out, I 'wasn't allowed' to talk about it, and wouldn't come to any appointments with me.

We have worked through this and there is some effort on DP's part.

I found a lump inside my mouth some time ago. It is really painful. At first I thought I'd just bitten myself as such but I went to the GP when it wasn't getting any better. Long story short I am going to get it checked out but they are suspecting it might be cancer.

The appointment is soon, on one of DP's days off (whole week off in fact) although DP also has an appointment-it isn't a serious one, a dental appointment for a filling that could be rescheduled. DP isn't in pain or anything such as.

I don't know if it would be unreasonable to expect DP to offer to come to it? To ask?
Be disappointed and upset if not?

It may sound silly but, I just don't know any more. I'm guessing different people would feel differently about it? Is it too much to ask?
It's a two hour drive between us and DP has that day off.

OP posts:

Cantrushart · 27/02/2024 17:17

In practical terms, it might come down to how easy it is for your DP to swing some time off. If it were me, I'd probably want to save it for results appointments or bigger procedures. But you are not me and only you can say how much support you need. If he's not able to give you that support, then the relationship won't work.

Parentofeanda · 27/02/2024 17:18

also my husband would never let me go to a cancer scan on my own, ever since we got together if i ever had a worrying thing like dentist ( because i hate it) or dr stuff then he would go and he would hold my hand or let me cry on him. thats what loving partners do

Deebee90 · 27/02/2024 17:19

You’ve said your mum can go so take her. Your dp has an appointment arranged that day and if it’s anything like mine it could be weeks waiting if he cancels. You don’t know it’s cancer so take your mum or go on your own. You’ll feel better plus by the sounds of it he won’t give you the support you need there anyway.

Parentofeanda · 27/02/2024 17:19

@Cantrushart thing is .. that's irrelevant because he's not taking the time off, he already has a week off at that time,

Differentstarts · 27/02/2024 17:31

If your wanting support in an appointment your better going by yourself then with an unsupportive partner. I go to all appointments alone now and I find nurses step up more when your alone and really look after you. If your with a partner they will assume they are there to be supportive.

Foxblue · 27/02/2024 17:42

Being emotionally open and supportive is kind of the point of being in a relationship - it sounds like that's something you want, and there's plenty of times in your life when that's what you'll need, so why are you with THIS man? It doesn't sound like he's working on it or recognises it as a serious problem at all?

ttcat37 · 27/02/2024 18:21

I’m amazed at all these ‘dear’ husbands who don’t want to be there to support their wives when potentially being diagnosed with cancer. And probably more so at the wives who’ve convinced themselves that they wouldn’t want them there anyway.
OP I would absolutely expect and want my DH to offer and be there. Not just for a hand hold but to drive me for practicality’s sake.

Kittynoodle · 27/02/2024 18:28

Of course he should be there.

the fact he doesn’t want to be tells you he really doesn’t care.

LaughingCat · 27/02/2024 18:50

SpikyCoconut · 27/02/2024 16:34

@MrTiddlesTheCat that is my exact way of thinking. But based (mostly on MN to be fair) on a lot of others, many don't agree.

This thread has made my heart break. My OH wouldn’t even think, he’d assume he was coming, for something like this. He might sit in the car but I’d know he was there, waiting for me. I’d do the same for him.

It sounds like you’re bracing for the rejection, like you feel it’s inevitable. Is this worth it?

SecondHandFurniture · 27/02/2024 18:53

Is DP even a he?

Original poster

SpikyCoconut · 27/02/2024 19:16

It wouldn't be a '4 hour round trip' as DP could stay the night anyway and often does that. I'd cover petrol costs etc if needs be. The bottom line is, based on our previous conversations about DP agreeing to step up with this sort of thing, I would just like to have the offer there. I probably wouldn't even take it up!

Anyway, I told DP about it. I got a 'Shit is that because of the lump' then 'What day' then 'what time'. I answered these questions then I got a 'Okay darling, I'm off to footy now'.

OP posts:

Original poster

SpikyCoconut · 27/02/2024 19:17

I hear the points about the whole point of a relationship being supporting one another and I agree. That's what I do, and what I'd like in return. Even if I would inevitably prefer to go to the appointment on my own.

OP posts:

Original poster

SpikyCoconut · 27/02/2024 19:18

@VickyEadieofThigh that is heart breaking for your poor Mum

OP posts:

Mumof2teens79 · 27/02/2024 19:24

It's tricky because you don't live together, yet.....(how is that going to work if you currently live 2 hours apart?)
And he clearly struggles with being emotionally supportive.
He may well have good reasons for that....he may not.
In a normal long term relationship it would be obvious he would offer to come.
But you say he can rearrange dentist...can he ? I just waiting 3 months for an appointment for a filling that was considered urgent.

takemeawayagain · 27/02/2024 19:27

DP has a history of not being very emotionally involved and being quite cold.

I don't understand why you would be with someone you find to be like that? I can only imagine it's only lasted because it's long distance. I think you'd be absolutely mad to move in with this man.

Good luck with your appointment though! Get someone supportive to go with you instead of that cold fish.

pokebowls · 27/02/2024 19:46

BeaRF75 · 27/02/2024 14:56

Well, I have been married for decades and - as a competent adult - I would always want to go to any medical appointment completely on my own. But if you want someone with you, OP, just ask them!

How typically MN rude.

Even 'competent adults' may reasonably want someone with them for potential diagnosis of mouth cancer 🙄

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/02/2024 19:48

"DP has a history of not being very emotionally involved and being quite cold.

Why are you choosing to move in with a cold and frankly uncaring man?

Seas164 · 27/02/2024 20:04

SpikyCoconut · 27/02/2024 19:18

@VickyEadieofThigh that is heart breaking for your poor Mum

That's potentially a glimpse into how you'd be treated in future OP. It is heartbreaking, but if you want something more, and you would be right to, then don't settle for this half life.

Yes everyone is capable of going to a hospital appointment alone, but I don't think that's what you want, it sounds like you would like the support of your "partner" and that's ok. I think you've learned to lower your expectactions so far that you're now quite far from what you want in from a relationship. It's great to be independent. It's ok to want to be in a mutually supportive, caring relationship, where you're both in tune with and capable of dealing with what's going on for the other, and that's not only reasonable, it's acheivable, and a lot less soul destroying in the long run.

Original poster

SpikyCoconut · 27/02/2024 22:34

Thank you so much everyone-I will read through all the responses again later. I have just been really busy today (training for a new job and also doing an evening course) and I am also quite upset. Thanks for everyone's different responses, it is interesting to get different perspectives. I'll end up going alone-but that isn;t the point really

OP posts:

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