Should DP offer to come with me to this appointment?

[SpikyCoconut]

Me and DP are long distance, moving in with one another in a few months.

DP has a history of not being very emotionally involved and being quite cold.

A while ago I had a quite severe injury, had to have several procedures and appointments as well as psychological therapies. DP completely checked out, I 'wasn't allowed' to talk about it, and wouldn't come to any appointments with me.

We have worked through this and there is some effort on DP's part.

I found a lump inside my mouth some time ago. It is really painful. At first I thought I'd just bitten myself as such but I went to the GP when it wasn't getting any better. Long story short I am going to get it checked out but they are suspecting it might be cancer.

The appointment is soon, on one of DP's days off (whole week off in fact) although DP also has an appointment-it isn't a serious one, a dental appointment for a filling that could be rescheduled. DP isn't in pain or anything such as.

I don't know if it would be unreasonable to expect DP to offer to come to it? To ask?
Be disappointed and upset if not?

It may sound silly but, I just don't know any more. I'm guessing different people would feel differently about it? Is it too much to ask?
It's a two hour drive between us and DP has that day off.

She does have local anaesthetic first but that's it. Hopefully your lump is nothing to worry about and doesn't need surprise biopsies though!

@saradika I pay £££ for my dentist because I just won't 'do' needles. If they want to do that I'll be saying I'll go to my own for it! if I can. It isn't on my gums/teeth though, it is more on the actual mouth tissue. I don't know.

And thank you for all the well-wishes everyone 🙂

He doesn't sound like a very nice man OP, are you sure moving in together is the right thing to do?

I think it’s reasonable to want someone with you if you’re worried about cancer - even if it’s just to take everything in about further tests or treatment etc. It can be hard to hear complex information when you’re anxious and having another person can be helpful. If he doesn’t offer is there someone else that could go with you?

Id be carefully considering the relationship if my partner couldn’t support me when I had a health scare or needed support when unwell.

Re read your opening post and how you describe him 'emotionally uninvolved and cold'. To be brutal, do you really want to be with someone like that on a daily basis?
Do your self a favour and save yourself massive heartache in the future, please let this one go. He doesn't give the impression he's that interested in being together.
He'll be there in person but not there mentally and emotionally. My ex was like this and I divorced him, as it was soul destroying with someone who emotionally cut me adrift.

Yes, I could take others with me. My Mum would come for definite. I think I'd go alone if it wasn't DP being there though. I'd rather be alone than drag my Mum out. I have friends but none local that wouldn't have to take time off work or such.

@SpikyCoconut it's maxillofacial dept that do them for her. It's usually sort of the cheek area, tongue etc. Our dentist won't do them but it's NHS and we have a local dental hospital. I wouldn't be surprised if she was offered sedation and turned it down though because she's mad.

I think he's made it clear where he stands with things like this so yes I think you're unreasonable to expect him to go with you.

I got called in for further tests after a mammogram. It was during covid so I had to go in alone. DH still took the day off to go with me as far as he could, then sat outside the hospital until I was done (all clear thankfully). I didn't ask him, it never even entered his head that he wouldn't be there. That's what people who care about each other do.

I think you are being unreasonable expecting him to offer, particularly when it would be a four hour round trip. It would be ok for you to ask on the other hand. But I think it is the wrong question anyway. He sounds vile, why are you calling him your partner and why on earth would you move in with this man.

When she was 76, my Mum underwent tests for suspected lung cancer. My emotionally detached Dad took her (he drove, she didn't) to the consultant appointment to discuss the test results, but let her go in to see the consultant on her own. She came out shell-shocked with a cancer diagnosis, need for lung resection, etc. She told my Dad and he said nothing - just stood up and began walking to the car.

She told me later it was worse him being with her and seeming not to care than if she'd gone entirely alone. I made sure that I accompanied her to every other consultant appointment after that (and took her for coffee and cake afterwards!).

It sounds to me, OP that he might similarly not be much use to you id he did come - I would get a close friend or family member to go with you instead.

I don't think being "competent" has anything to do with it. The point is that as humans we could do with emotional support through frightening, distressing or difficult events.

It's not unreasonable to want company for an appointment with the potential for difficult news.

Many people a couple of hours away would find it logistically difficult to freely offer to come though.

It's concerning that there's already history of him being cold and failing to engage at difficult times, and even more concering that you're willing to move a couple of hours away to move in with someone like that.

I hope that it's a positive outcome.

This is absolutely not my experience, either personally or professionally. I work in the NHS for a community based service where people attend following a GP referral, and it is very, very rare for patients to attend alone.
IMO it is entirely natural to want a loved one at a medical appointment especially where is the potential for any difficult news to be shared.

OP if you feel you would like his support for your appointment then of course you should ask him, it is entirely reasonable, and the fact you are worried about asking him is really concerning.

The way you describe his dismissive attitude in the past rings alarm bells. Moving in together is a big step in a serious relationship, and surely as part of that you expect your partner to be someone who supports you at a time when you are vulnerable? For me, that is such a basic part of a healthy relationship that it shouldn't even need a discussion.
My partner has come with me to medical appointments several times, just for moral support, and vice versa.
But it sounds like you and your DP may have very different expectations of your relationship, which really does not bode well for the future. He sounds emotionally detached and controlling, he is not equipped to handle times when you might need more care or support, which as humans we all do at times. Sounds like things will only go well with him provided you don't make any demands on him. That doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me. Maybe think about why you want to move in with someone who does not meet your emotional needs? You have a choice, not just about your appointment but about your future. You deserve a partner who can give you love, care and support. Otherwise really what is the point?
Good luck with your appointment, hope it all goes well.

@MrTiddlesTheCat that is my exact way of thinking. But based (mostly on MN to be fair) on a lot of others, many don't agree.

@saradika I go to a private dentist so perhaps they will?I am going to enquire just in case.

I haven’t voted, but I think it’s very unwise to move in with a long distance “partner” who is emotionally uninvolved with you. He’s unable or unwilling to support you when you’re going through difficulties. That isn’t what a partner is.

Ditto. I actually really dislike people being with me at medical appointments, and my DH always wants to come with me. So I actively try to book them for when he's at work. Otherwise he insists on coming. Sadly, that means he wants me to go with him to his. 😖 Every. Single. Time.

My job is flexible and I can more or less work my own hours, so I rarely have an excuse to not go. I have occasionally feigned headaches and a tummy bug (claim I can't stay off the loo) to avoid going. Basically, because I can't be doing with this face >>>😔 if I say 'I. DO. NOT. WANT. TO. GO.' Frankly it's boring boring BORING being at medical appointments, because of all the waiting waiting waiting... And whilst I enjoy DH's company most of the time, I hate hanging around for medical appointments with him, because we are sometimes there for several hours, and there is an indefinite wait. You are sitting there for ages not knowing how long you are going to be.

I prefer to be alone, and lose myself in a book or magazine, or scroll through my phone (or all 3.) I don't want to have to keep talking, whilst getting more and more angsty and anxious about my appointment, and frustrated because I have no idea whatsoever, how long I am going to be kept waiting. And no matter what, DH wants to constantly CHAT! 😖He gets so bored and lonely on his own at these things, but I prefer to be alone at them, and HATE him being with me. In fact I hate anyone being there.

So I am on the fence @SpikyCoconut because I 'get' your DP not wanting to come. Do you really want to spend your life with someone who is 'cold' and emotionally detached though? I'm not emotionally detached. I just can't cope with being at medical appointments with DH, or having him with me. Anything else, but not medical appointments.

Best wishes though, and I hope everything is OK.

Why would you move in with him?

I wish you all the best for the appointment and hope you get good news. I would have a serious think about whether, if you were unfortunate enough to get a diagnosis, whether he would be a loving and supportive person to help you through illness.

ExDP was like this. Wouldn't even read my letter explaining why I was diagnosed with ME. I didn't realize at the time be was a narcissist and this was all part of it - by taking any interest in my health he was deflecting attention from himself.

I personally would not expect my dh to attend any appointments with me - unless it was something quite serious, like a cancer diagnosis where we were discussing my treatment options and how this would impact on our lives long-term. I do have a long-term health condition - not life limiting but one I will never be cured of and where I had to take medication daily for life - and it's honestly never even occurred to me to ask dh to attend a consultation appt. I've had lots of appts over the years for cancer related checks, including being on the two week pathway once - for bowel, breast, skin (all fine btw). And truly, never expected dh to attend. Obviously, if I'd been diagnosed with cancer, I might have considered asking him, I don't know.

So no, I don't think it would be an expectation and I certainly wouldn't ask him to re-schedule an important dentist appt - these are not easy to get right now! I have a broken tooth and I can't get anything, unless I want to go private.

But that's a totally different thing from someone who doesn't seem emotionally invested in your wellbeing or supporting you. Most of support and care for a longterm condition happens outside of the consultation - that is when you really need a partner's support. It's the day to day stuff, not going to the hospital for 20 minutes. I think the appt is a red herring, it sounds like there are bigger issues about your relationship and how supportive he can be to you. I would be happy moving forward in a relationship with someone who was completely emotionally disinvested in my wellbeing.

Did he shut you down because he cared too much? And couldn't cope?
Or because he didn't give a shit?
Neither are great, but the second should have him in the bin.

Hopefully all will be okay post appointment and results.

however do you really want to move in with an unsupportive partner who checks out, ignores you when things get tough.

a taste for things to come if the diagnosis is more serious…….

is be using this as a test. If you ask saying youd like someone there if its bad news and he doesnt then leave the bastard before moving in with someone who doesnt care about you.