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Original poster

My boyfriend doesn't like I have a male friend

89 replies

Laurens96 · 27/02/2024 08:47

Hi just looking for others opinions.
I'm 28 and my friend (29) is male and my boyfriend has a problem with this. We've been friends since we were in school from around the age of 13/14. There's never been anything there other then friendship.
I got with my boyfriend nearly 7 years ago now. He knew about my friend as he's my closest friend and we did do a lot together. He always had a bit of a problem with him but never kicked up too much of a fuss really as I pointed out I'd been friends with him to long to cut him off for a relationship I'd only been in a couple of weeks.
My partner and I have had a lot of trouble in the past with him cheating (apparently its not cheating tho as its just messages and all talk. He's never actually met anyone to sleep with that hrs admitted to). The last time my partner was caught doing this stuff was last Summer. Now all of a sudden he's paranoid I'm the one that's cheating and reckons I'm messaging my friend sexual stuff (he can check if he really wanted to. He knows my phone password and we only talk on text and WhatsApp). He also reckons I'm sleeping with him every chance I get even tho I don't go out much. I barely even see him unless he comes to the cinema with me and my other best friend cuz my partners banned him from the house.
My partner wants me to cut all ties with my friend and never see or talk to him again. I told him no and he's being ridiculous since I've never done anything with my friend. I also pointed our I've never even come remotely close to cheating on him and he's spent most of out relationship messages other women sexual stuff exchanging pictures and arranging to meet them and been on dating sites too.
My partner thinks I'm being unreasonable and that I'm picking my friend over him as I won't give up the friendship.
It's only been the last few months he's gone really paranoid about my friend and has accused me of sleeping with him and he's causing a lot of arguments over it. He's accused me of sleeping with other people too not just my friend.
I just can't help but feel He may be deflecting and all this is because he's up to stuff again.
But am I unreasonable for refusing to cut ties with my friend of around 14 years when I've done absolutely nothing at all with him ever.

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 27/02/2024 10:17

Your partner is obviously cheating and gaslighting you to distract and make you second guess yourself.

Do no get rid of your support system for this man. Why are you entertaining his utter nonsense

hellsBells246 · 27/02/2024 10:21

Your cheating partner is paranoid that you're cheating because HE's cheating and he assumes that everyone else is the same.

Yuk. Chuck him back. You can do better. Then get an STI check.

Herdinggoats · 27/02/2024 10:26

Your partner is using the fact that he is a guy to kick up a stink. I suspect he would have a problem with any close friend you have because close friends would be urging you to bin this partner.

AffIt · 27/02/2024 10:35

Given the fact that your parents have also noticed the problems in your relationship as well as a bunch of strangers on the Internet, then I would take them up on their offer to accommodate you and go.

I appreciate that sometimes it's difficult to see things when you're in the weeds, but your relationship sounds appalling: it is harming you and ultimately it will harm your children.

You are very young - please get out of this bin fire and give yourself a chance at a decent life.

Original poster
Laurens96 · 27/02/2024 10:36

He doesn't particularly like my female best friend. But doesn't kick up as much as a fuss about her as he does my male friend even tho I've known him longer.
Things have been getting worse over the last 6 months and the shouting and accusations becoming more frequent.
A lot of the time he does blame me which makes me second guess myself.

OP posts:
SKG231 · 27/02/2024 10:39

He’s judging you on his own past behaviour. End of.

why are you still with a man that’s treated you so appallingly? You are literally telling you children it’s ok to treat people like this/be treated like this and to put up with it. If you don’t leave this excuse of a man your children will grow up to have an unhealthy view on relationships and will repeat your patterns.

do better for your children.

tchotchke · 27/02/2024 10:39

Laurens96 · 27/02/2024 10:36

He doesn't particularly like my female best friend. But doesn't kick up as much as a fuss about her as he does my male friend even tho I've known him longer.
Things have been getting worse over the last 6 months and the shouting and accusations becoming more frequent.
A lot of the time he does blame me which makes me second guess myself.

You are focusing on the wrong issue here.

Bobthethird · 27/02/2024 10:41

ABSAOLUTELY oick your mate over this cheating, lying snake. You need to break up with the man who has so little respect for you he thinks secually texting other women is ok. He's an arse and you must deserve better.

Linlithgow · 27/02/2024 10:41

BustyMcgoober · 27/02/2024 08:49

Surely you mean ex partner?

Come on love. Chuck this one back.

He is 100% actively cheating on you, you know this.

This OP sorry but it's true

Bobthethird · 27/02/2024 10:44

Laurens96 · 27/02/2024 09:27

Well my partner reckons he's not cheated as he hasn't physically slept with anyone that he's admitted too. Although he did kiss and arrange to meet a now ex friend of mine just after I had my twins 3 and a half years ago.
It's just gone a bit of a whinge about one of my best friends being male to I'm sleeping with him and need to cut all contact all of a sudden out of no where.
Financially the only ties I have to the house we live I'm is council tax. Tgats the only bill with my name on the account. My name was never added to the rent book so if I decided I'd had enough I didn't get the house as its in his name only.

Why do you feel like you don't reserve to be treated with love and respect op?

Herdinggoats · 27/02/2024 10:46

tchotchke · 27/02/2024 10:39

You are focusing on the wrong issue here.

Show quote history

The fact he doesn’t like the female friend either is very telling. He is looking for reasons to isolate the OP, the bloke reason is a prepackaged excuse, but he’s already working on this one.

cheddercherry · 27/02/2024 10:47

You surely can’t think your partner is in any way treating you well? Do you even like each other any more? Or is it just the fact you’ve taken seven years of him that’s somehow worth just staying miserable. Cheating or not it doesn’t matter does it, he’s awful to you, he’s already cheated on you? Does it really make a difference if he’s slept with someone on top of the daily crap you’re putting up with?

Pick the bar off the floor and show your kids that you don’t need to live like this.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 27/02/2024 10:59

He disrespects you, messages and tries to meet other women, is jealous and controlling and accuses you of cheating, and tells you who you can and can't see? None of this is in any way ok. Please call womens aid as these are all abusive behaviours, and they might be able to help you find a way to leave

toomuchfaff · 27/02/2024 11:01

What you actually have a problem with is your BF is projecting.

Hes the cheater, so he assumes that because he acts like that - you will act like that. That's your issue, its nothing to do with which friend you interact with, whether it be a 20 yr friend or even a gay friend. He will always assume you have some nefarious reason for being with that friend because that's what he would do.

BTW - he will cheat again, no respect for you or your relationship, and hes just eroding your support network by eradicating your relationships with friends and family so that you become even more reliant on him.

Go sleep on the friends sofa.

RedToothBrush · 27/02/2024 11:03

SlumberDearMaid · 27/02/2024 08:49

FGS, ditch the cheating partner and keep the friend.

You don’t really need advice on this, do you?

This

Boyfriend is a controlling prick who thinks because he's a lying cheating arse, that you must be too because he's judging by his own standards.

I bet your friend sees right through him, and that's precisely why your boyfriend wants shot of him.

Your boyfriend should be an ex.

You shouldn't need MN to tell you this.

Noseybookworm · 27/02/2024 11:24

Laurens96 · 27/02/2024 08:47

Hi just looking for others opinions.
I'm 28 and my friend (29) is male and my boyfriend has a problem with this. We've been friends since we were in school from around the age of 13/14. There's never been anything there other then friendship.
I got with my boyfriend nearly 7 years ago now. He knew about my friend as he's my closest friend and we did do a lot together. He always had a bit of a problem with him but never kicked up too much of a fuss really as I pointed out I'd been friends with him to long to cut him off for a relationship I'd only been in a couple of weeks.
My partner and I have had a lot of trouble in the past with him cheating (apparently its not cheating tho as its just messages and all talk. He's never actually met anyone to sleep with that hrs admitted to). The last time my partner was caught doing this stuff was last Summer. Now all of a sudden he's paranoid I'm the one that's cheating and reckons I'm messaging my friend sexual stuff (he can check if he really wanted to. He knows my phone password and we only talk on text and WhatsApp). He also reckons I'm sleeping with him every chance I get even tho I don't go out much. I barely even see him unless he comes to the cinema with me and my other best friend cuz my partners banned him from the house.
My partner wants me to cut all ties with my friend and never see or talk to him again. I told him no and he's being ridiculous since I've never done anything with my friend. I also pointed our I've never even come remotely close to cheating on him and he's spent most of out relationship messages other women sexual stuff exchanging pictures and arranging to meet them and been on dating sites too.
My partner thinks I'm being unreasonable and that I'm picking my friend over him as I won't give up the friendship.
It's only been the last few months he's gone really paranoid about my friend and has accused me of sleeping with him and he's causing a lot of arguments over it. He's accused me of sleeping with other people too not just my friend.
I just can't help but feel He may be deflecting and all this is because he's up to stuff again.
But am I unreasonable for refusing to cut ties with my friend of around 14 years when I've done absolutely nothing at all with him ever.

I'm baffled as to why you're in a relationship with this man 😳 why on earth are you with him?

ZekeZeke · 27/02/2024 11:25

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 27/02/2024 08:53

He is cheating on you. It's projection.

100% this

Lolapusht · 27/02/2024 11:36

Who did your parents ban from their house and why?

Your partner is controlling who you see, that is not acceptable. He’s also lying regularly, probably cheating and generally not treating you with respect.

Chuck him back. You’re worth more than this.

Original poster
Laurens96 · 27/02/2024 12:09

It wasn't my parents it was my partner. He's said my male friend is banned from our house. I still talk to him daily and still see him when we go to the cinema with our other friend too.
Each time my partner gets caught doing something he gets angry and shouts, we argue then he'll cry and say he's never going to do it again and that he wants me and the kids. Although last time he did say if I left with the kids then he'd kill himself which is this first time he'd said that.
It's my friends parents that offered for me to go there with the kids. My friend (male) has offered for me to go there till I sort something but I feel that wouldn't he fair as he has a one bed flat so with 3 kids it'd take up a pretty big chunk of his limited space.
Plus if I went to my friends my partner would just think he's right and there's something going on and that's why I went there.

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 27/02/2024 12:13

You are not cheating with your friend, but to him it could seem like an emotional affair. He has no right to be accusing you of all this though.
Do you value the friendship more than the relationship? That's probably what it boils down to.

pinkyredrose · 27/02/2024 12:16

Ditch the 'partner', keep the friend

hopscotcher · 27/02/2024 12:19

I think you're being unreasonable for staying with this dickhead.

Notwhatyouwanttohear · 27/02/2024 12:20

So he cheated on you multiple times (messaging whatever) and then physically cheated just after you had twins and then you go and had another child with him.... and now he is emotionally abusing and gaslighting you.

What does he actually have to do until you have the self respect for yourself and leave this waste of space?.

randomusernam · 27/02/2024 12:26

The reason he's so worried is because he doing exactly what he is accusing of doing.

Chuck him back!!

Not just because of the friend but because you are worth more than this man. He doesn't get to decide what cheating is you do! If it feels like cheating to you it is!!

Don't waste any more time with him

ConflictedCheetah · 27/02/2024 12:38

What does it tell you, that your friend's parents (not even your own parents) have offered you a place to go to with your kids, based on what they've seen in your relationship.

It tells me they're concerned about his behaviour and worried about you and your kids.

It's not normal for people to randomly offer you safe haven when you're in a relationship.

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