To feel so shit about menopause?

[menopausequestion]

Ok, just to say in advance I do not mean to cause any offence to anyone who has experienced menopause with this post, I'm just looking for a safe space to vent and see if I'm alone or not because I am in pieces at the moment.

Just to acknowledge too, that at 38 (I turn 39 in a few months), I know I'm probably too young to be "in" the menopause but I do wonder if I'm pre menopausal. And it's hugely getting me down. For me it's knowing that biology is about to take away any more chances to be a mum and I'm struggling emotionally with that so much. Here are some of my symptoms:

• hugely emotional, more so than normal, crying a lot and not sure why

• I feel terrified at the prospect of menopause, I am scared of losing my ability to have babies (I'm unsure whether I'd have another at my age, I have 2 beautiful children, but the idea of it being taken out of my hands by nature has sent me into a spiral of panic)

• I have a longing for another baby so strong it's difficult to think of much else - I wonder if it's my body and hormones telling me as loudly as possible, this is your last chance

• my mood is really low, yesterday I was almost suicidal - only thing that pulled me out was the idea of my 3 year old being without a mummy so young

• utter awful brain fog - I can't think straight. I mix up words when I try to get a sentence out, and forget what I went into a room for, that sort of thing. I'm sort of floating around just existing, and going through the motions of being a mum.

• the most distressing one is - I feel as though menopause will take away my identity as a woman (I mean absolutely NO offence by this to anyone who is unable to have children - this is just how I personally feel). For me, the ability to have another baby is what defines ME personally (no one else) as a woman and a mother. I feel once this is gone, I will be a shell with no purpose. Yes - I KNOW this is an irrational thought process because I will still be a mum to my 2 children regardless, but I cannot shake it. It's just taken over my brain.

I am so, so down. Please don't be horrible to me, I am writing this through floods of tears. I promise I mean NO OFFENCE by any of this. I'm just desperately in need of somewhere to pour this out before it eats me alive. I'm terrified of how dark my thoughts have been.

If you read this far thank you so much.

Please make an appointment with your GP. You don’t need to feel like this. Those are all symptoms of menopause/perimenopause, but it doesn’t have to be a terrible thing.

I meant to say, I have a long term partner but he does not get it, at all. He keeps saying "you'll always have a purpose with your two gorgeous children", and I KNOW this deep down. But I've been trying to explain to him that when you know biology and nature is about to change your body for you and have zero choice in that, it's so awful. As a man he doesn't have to go through anything like that so why would he get it🙁

Firstly, you need to see a GP about your MH. Secondly, not being able to have more children is actually quite freeing, and you need to think about what you will do with this next part of your life, travel etc.

Thank you both. Do you think at almost 39 it could be happening for me?🙁

Yes

Ah you poor thing. I spent my teens and twenties dreading menopause after watching some stupid programme giving a makeover to a selection of menopausal women who won the competition. The worst thing was they showed all the unsuccessful women too bawling crying and explaining how terrible it all was. The images stayed burned onto my brain.

Ironically or maybe not I was put into a false menopause in my 30s then went for real at around 41 after cancer treatment. It was an emotional rollercoaster.

Anyway, I'm now 48 and feel utterly fantastic. It doesn't sound like you're in menopause but possibly peri.

My advice - see your doctor about a referral and hrt. Get a therapist as you're feeling rubbish. Become absolutely obsessed with exercise, it doesn't really matter which once it makes you feel good. Eliminate or reduce alcohol. Don't smoke. Surround yourself with people who make you feel good.

Good luck. It gets way way way better.

Go and see your GP. How you feel about menopause is a bit bonkers (it's not that bad really and I would agree that once you come to peace with the prospect of not having another baby it's quite freeing). But feeling upset/suicidal/brain fog isn't great or something you should put up with or accept as normal - it isn't. Big hugs!

Yes. 39 is earlier than average (45), but not hugely so.

I found Davina McCall’s Menopausing book really helpful - it made me realise that a lot of things I thought were just ageing were actually down to being perimenopausal.

Thanks all. I have regular periods still and I get all the same signs of ovulation that I've always had etc, but the other symptoms I've listed are all new things. The obsessive focus on wanting "on last baby" before nature removes that choice forever is completely overwhelming 🙁

It might be perimenopause but you won't know unless you see your gp and talk about how you are feeling generally. It sounds like you need some support about this either way.

It sounds daft but what would the GP do for me? Medication? Or therapy? Just trying to understand how they could help with this.

I remember this, it’s natures last attempt to get you to reproduce. DH getting a vasectomy helped!

' I feel terrified at the prospect of menopause'

That's what the current agenda in the media has down to scare monger women.

I went through the menopause years ago with no problems as did my mother, my sisters, cousins and other family, friends and colleagues.

You only read about the bad experiences.

Some women do have problems and suffer but it's like giving birth, some women have a difficult time and you will read all about it and countless others give birth naturally with no problems at all and you won't hear about them!

Your fear is probably greater than reality.

If you are so stressed about it then take steps to make sure you are fit and healthy before you go through the menopause. The most import thing you can do is not be overweight.

It is a huge transition and lots of women struggle both physically and mentally. The moral support and humour of other women helps enormously - I’m on a Facebook group called Perimenopause Hub which has been a great comfort. It’s a chance to re-evaluate what you want in life, and to explore what nourishes you. Also to re prioritise yourself after decades of looking after other people! Find your tribe, get some support.

It depends if it’s perimenopause or anxiety/depression. The GP would be able to help you diagnose it.
For brain fog in peri I take Magnesium L-Threonate. I’ve also heard Lions Mane mentioned.

Mine started at 38 OP. I also went crazy thinking I wanted another baby, when I KNEW I didn’t really. Hormones impact everything.

You absolutely do need to see your GP. Tell them everything. It is very treatable with HRT, and maybe an anti depressant or some talking therapy would do you good also.

you don’t need to suffer alone 💐

They might offer HRT or CBT. They may do a blood test to check your hormone levels.

Read up on your options. Some women swear by HRT; others find it does nothing for them. It might take a while to get you sorted, but you’ll probably start to feel a bit less gloomy just by taking the first step.

Oh this sounds wonderful, just what I need. I'll have a look. Thank you x

A pp mentioned looking after myself is important - I'm generally fit and healthy and not overweight, my BMI is 21. I've always been relatively slim so I hope that reduces the possibility of weight gain? 🫣

It’s a long road.

i saw changes in my previously very regular cycle from my late 30s

but they were gradual.

the changes have steeped up now (mid 40s).

i have no idea how long I have until actual final period but the average age is 51.

Read the book peri menopause power, it explains many things (it’s really fascinating) including that it is still possible to get pregnant- many women have babies in late 30s early 40s

how well you are matters too - eating well (not excessive not a diet good mix of food, little sugar less alcohol).

Of course things are heading one way but looking after yourself helps the experience

im told hrt is a game changer too - I’m exploring that now

The other symptom I forgot to mention is broken sleep, huge anxiety when I wake, and occasional nightmares too. A couple of nights ago I woke in a panic after a nightmare that my 3 year old has fallen into a swimming pool and was drowning and I couldn't get to her 😭 Is this normal??

You might be at the start of some hormone changes but really this sounds more like a psychological issue around your purpose in life which you would benefit from addressing and working through, maybe in counselling. If you are feeling suicidal you may need antidepressants. Menopause is actually an opportunity to grow as a person and think about yourself beyond your function as a fertile young woman. It doesn't feel like that at the start - it's shit - but honestly it gets so much better once you can accept and embrace the new stage.

It could be menopause but also may not be. Yes the symptoms are similar, but you’re also still having regular periods. You could be suffering with another mental health diagnosis, anxiety or depression can present very similarly with a lot of the same symptoms as someone above said.

Your GP will be able to talk through the symptoms. Then they can do a blood hormone profile to see if it fits with the menopause. They can also do other blood tests to rule out other causes like thyroid.

Have there been any other new stressors in your life that could be affecting your mental health?

I hate to be obvious but you need to see your GP to have your bloods tested to determine whether you are menopausal or not.

I think you could benefit from therapy (I’m a therapist). It would be beneficial to have a space to talk this through.