To feel so shit about menopause?

[menopausequestion]

Ok, just to say in advance I do not mean to cause any offence to anyone who has experienced menopause with this post, I'm just looking for a safe space to vent and see if I'm alone or not because I am in pieces at the moment.

Just to acknowledge too, that at 38 (I turn 39 in a few months), I know I'm probably too young to be "in" the menopause but I do wonder if I'm pre menopausal. And it's hugely getting me down. For me it's knowing that biology is about to take away any more chances to be a mum and I'm struggling emotionally with that so much. Here are some of my symptoms:

• hugely emotional, more so than normal, crying a lot and not sure why

• I feel terrified at the prospect of menopause, I am scared of losing my ability to have babies (I'm unsure whether I'd have another at my age, I have 2 beautiful children, but the idea of it being taken out of my hands by nature has sent me into a spiral of panic)

• I have a longing for another baby so strong it's difficult to think of much else - I wonder if it's my body and hormones telling me as loudly as possible, this is your last chance

• my mood is really low, yesterday I was almost suicidal - only thing that pulled me out was the idea of my 3 year old being without a mummy so young

• utter awful brain fog - I can't think straight. I mix up words when I try to get a sentence out, and forget what I went into a room for, that sort of thing. I'm sort of floating around just existing, and going through the motions of being a mum.

• the most distressing one is - I feel as though menopause will take away my identity as a woman (I mean absolutely NO offence by this to anyone who is unable to have children - this is just how I personally feel). For me, the ability to have another baby is what defines ME personally (no one else) as a woman and a mother. I feel once this is gone, I will be a shell with no purpose. Yes - I KNOW this is an irrational thought process because I will still be a mum to my 2 children regardless, but I cannot shake it. It's just taken over my brain.

I am so, so down. Please don't be horrible to me, I am writing this through floods of tears. I promise I mean NO OFFENCE by any of this. I'm just desperately in need of somewhere to pour this out before it eats me alive. I'm terrified of how dark my thoughts have been.

If you read this far thank you so much.

You sounds depressed OP. I wouldn't assume it's peri.

It’s sounds like anxiety and depression.
A lot of people on here are completely obsessed by menopause, it’s like a cult. Be careful about messing with your hormones.

I don't think it's scaremongering. Many millions of women have confusing and worrying symptoms that can be life changing. They can't function in work the same, they worry they have the start of dementia, their sex life suffers, relationships fail. Knowledge is power. Perimenopause can start early, although 30s is particularly early. If you have cash, go see menopause dr and have blood tests to establish hormone levels.

It could be menopause however what you described could be other things too. Go see your GP.
Re: reproduction, with egg donation women have babies after menopause (if having another child is that important).

Thanks, I didn't know that was how it was diagnosed tbh.

I'm nearly 48 and getting peri symptoms but I'm actually the opposite now about having a baby. I couldn't even imagine starting on that journey again. I work in a nursery so that might well influence me too (watching tired parents drop off babies who have been awake since 4am!).

However I have moved on to wanting grandchildren, so maybe that is the difference a decade makes from nearly 40 to nearly 50!

It's just a feeling I can't shake of, no, I'm not ready for this! Please don't take away my chance to be a mother again 😭 I get that I am so fortunate to have two beautiful children already but it's just such a hard pill to swallow that nature is going to take that away at any moment and I have no say in that. And yet men get to breeze through life reproducing in their 50s, even 60s. So unfair 🙁

I agree with this, a lot of your symptoms sound like i was last year, i'm late 30s and had a massive attack of anxiety that lasted pretty much all year! For me, it was tied up in work/career which for me is far more my 'purpose' than childbearing. But we are similar in that something struck at the heart of who we are as people! I think you've got to work through it. I meditated, took alll the supplements, sleep spray, sleep sounds. Just all the things til i found a combo that worked and eventually I took a sidestep in my career which i feel is a better direction for me. Maybe you need to find a sidestep? (As you cant argue with fertility!) Work in a nursery? Foster? Become the world's best midwife? I dunno, just spitballing, but def look up mel robbins on youtube 🤣

I think you're right. Thank you

Have you been watching a lot of videos about Menopause? I seem to always get them in my TikTok feed, and they are utterly miserable and terrifying!

I'm 54, and don't recognise any of the stuff that these video's portray. Apparently, at least half of all women sail through menopause. Certainly, it has been a breeze for me, so far.

That's not to minimise what you are feeling - I'm just saying, try not to scare yourself by watching a ton of gloom and doom video's, because they are not representative of many women's experiences!

Please see your GP. This could be something else entirely, but either way, seeing your GP would be a good place to start.

At 38 I think it's pretty unlikely that you're perimenopausal, especially if you've not had any changes to your cycle.

I would go and see your GP though.

Are you taking your vitamin D supplements? Lack of that can cause some of your symptoms.

It can hit us women SUDDENLY I think. Just like with the physical aspect. It's slower for men.

I remember feeling some sadness and shock at being an old young person. 😔
Luckily perspective can shift 180.

Now I'm obsessed with blue zones, longevity, health, balance, strength, happiness.

Don't expect that your future is just more feeling old.

It is a transition, mentally. Had similar thoughts at about 44, just a really brutal terror that I was going to be old, and I had no positive axis at that point to replace with youth. Youth felt like all I had and its last vestiges were disappearing fast.

I think that when you have young children the responsibility for them becomes a central thing in your life.

When your family is complete and your children gradually become independent you have to start thinking about what you want. Developing more interests, focusing on work in a way that goes beyond how it 'fits' with domestic responsibilities.

That is actually pretty scary and can bring up all sorts of doubts and anxieiies.

There's also a tendency to feel less valued if you believe your worth is all about how young you appear.

Looking back I found those issues quite challenging. But, as others have said, the greater freedom and no longer having to go through a kind of monthly rollercoaster is actually a good thing.

It does sound as if being able to talk to somebody about the very strong emotions you are experiencing would be helpful.

I've successfully menopaused if that's even a phrase and I've never felt better. It wasn't easy going through it but was helped with me taking better care of myself (regular exercise, no alcohol, dumped a huge amount of toxicity literally and metaphorically). I've spoken to a few other women on this side of it and they've felt the same - it's not talked about as much because it's not the same for everyone but it doesn't have to be as horrendous as it is for everyone but saying that I had some horrible years in between - there is light and energy and no f's to give on the other side - I love it

Sorry to hear you are feeling so low. I think you need to see your GP to see where you are at.

I get what you are saying. On the brink of menopause I wondered what my role would become, as yes, you can feel defined as a mother, having babies. I felt this way.

However, for many, the menopause is not as bad as you think. I had terrible peri symptoms, but got them under control. I’m now 54, and TBH the menopause is a welcome relief, a weight off my shoulders, a door shut behind me with a nice path ahead of me. I’ll enjoy these years ahead, where I get a break from childcare, and use the skills I’ve learned; nurturing, love, patience, empathy, on myself.

I heard someone say the other day that the menopause is natures way of making older women free to help their DC with their offspring. That made me think. I hope I get the chance to help with any GC I am blessed with.

Too many women are terrified of the menopause. There are many women who are glad they’ve gone through it and are liberated from the shackles of being a woman.

I've been slim all my life and being overweight is caused by consuming too many calories and not enough exercise.

I disagree. I think @Porfirio makes a lot of sense. The menopause is brutal for many women. It is also not brutal for many women. I applaud people like Davina McCall for publicising what many women go through, and am grateful that more health professionals recognise that the symptoms can be treated successfully, but I think more women than ever fear the menopause these days when it needn't be the case.

I agree that the OP needs to see her GP.

The obsessive focus on wanting "on last baby" before nature removes that choice forever is completely overwhelming

@menopausequestion do you actually want another baby or is the choice potentially being removed the issue?

I went into Peri menopause aged 41 and finally came out the other side of aged 57 - Im now 59 so it was a large part of my life

I had never ever ever wanted children but like you out of nowhere the idea of getting going and have one became really strong and for the first time in my life I understood what being broody meant. I was so confused because even so recently menopause was just not discussed. The only thing I knew about menopause was my periods would stop, Id stop ovulating and there would be hot flushes. So it wasnt until I started getting the flushes, about 45, that it clicked - I was peri menopause

Lucky for me those feelings didnt last for long and probably because I had never in my life wanted children were easy to cope with. Weird to have, weird to find myself thinking what if, it must be distressing when you arent so sure if your family is completed or not

Brain fog, well that was a new expression that I didnt start to use for myself until late 40's. Yes I was becoming scatty and temperamental but it was gradual. Hell I even learned to drive and pass my test first time aged 42. It wasnt until I was around 50 that brain fog became enough of a problem that I took myself of to a GP, I thought I had early onset dementia. Thats when menopause was first ever mentioned. Because I had a coil and hadn't had a period since my 30's I didnt have the body telling me physically it was happening, just all these symptoms which I couldn't pin point

So I got put on sertraline for anxiety and I got through the menopause with no HRT. Those little tablets were a life saver

Sure Ive got a wrecked body, skin is dry and paper thin. I have hair missing where I want it and growing like billy ho where I dont, got aches and pains so bad Id check for a pulse if I didnt wake up sore and of course I never remembered why I went into a room. the hot flushes were hell on earth I wont deny and seemed to go on and on

My friend who had gone though an early menopause said to me start walking, it eases the flushes. I had tried every OTC preparation known to man and nothing eased them - walking did. If I went for a couple of miles walk in the evenings a couple of times a week, flushes became rare.

As I say, Im nearly 60 now and out the other side and life is good. Sure I have to work on the middle aged spread, Im actively losing weight. Im fitter then I have been in years. Where Ive started work people really do seem surprised when my age comes up, I have loads of energy fun about me . And whilst my skin is dry and thin, cos I have to care for it now, I look pretty fresh for my age. For the first time in my life I actually take time ( have the time ) to care for myself. Hell Ive a new foundation sitting there waiting to be tried, a new serum Im itching to open. I get my nails done, I get my hair done, I try out different looks when out shopping , Im doing a marathon this year

Is my life over now my ability to reproduce is gone? No, its a new stage. A liberating one for sure. Cos along with the hair ( sure Im not bald, just a bit thinner ) the giving a fuck have gone as well and Im growing older disgracefully and loving every minute :)

It might not be peri - it can simply be hormonal fluctuations or PMDD. Do you track your cycles and mood through the month? Is every day like this or certain days of the month?

general healthcare in any case can help a lot - getting enough sleep and exercise. Cutting alcohol. Having more fun. Anything to lift the mood. Therapy to discuss your life questions. Anti depressants if that’s what you need. So many things to explore and you can and will feel better x

Menopausequestion.....i would think you are possibly pre menopausal. These symptoms can last up to ten years. I really recommend seeing your doctor as i think you are worrying a lot. Yes its mother nature's way but the relief of no periods.....but please get help with the symptoms. There is some very good hrt which might help you. 🙏❤️

the giving a fuck have gone as well

No one expects this, but it happens. I seriously do not GAF what anyone thinks.

The best part of the menopause 😝

I think you are starting it now so you should see the doctor.

I get it OP. As much as I was glad to see the back of my periods and I was far too old to consider another baby I cried when it hit me that I couldn't. But after a miserable few months I went on hrt and I'm a new woman.

It's another stage of life and it is different.
Now 7 years later 40 years of periods seems like a very long bad dream. I'm relieved.

I hear you - it was particularly tough for me because we hadn't completed our family despite years of trying. But accepting that it wasn't going to happen did help me move in in the end.

I agree getting to your GP is a good idea. It could be peri, in which case HRT is a really good idea because you're relatively early so the benefits are huge and the risks are very low. But there are other things it could be. It's important to know that blood tests won't tell you that you're in peri because it's characterised by fluctuating hormones. But they can be useful to exclude other issues e.g. thyroid. Do you have a history of early menopause in your family?

And yes, finding a good therapist to talk to may help. I would also recommend thinking about the media you consume and shifting to more content produced by women in their 40s and beyond. There are some amazing podcasts out there (Hit Play not Pause is a favourite though might be too active for some people's taste) which is full of amazing women talking about the transition and, for most of them, how they're finding new purpose in life. Standard media often ignores or denigrates women beyond their reproductive years, so listening to the voices of those women is a very important antidote - plus for the most part they're funny, wise and generally awesome!

This is classic peri menopause.

In my experience of menopause the anxiety is the worst thing. I had never been anxious before hitting perimenopause and your anxiety finds the strangest things to hook into. I worried - endlessly - about all sorts of odd things which I have no control over. And the more you worry about it, and post threads about it, and read online about it, the worse it gets.

So my advice as someone who has been where you are is to yes in the first instance see your GP as at 38 you are on the young side to be going into this and they will want to run tests to make sure there is nothing else going on. If you ARE perimenopausal then HRT might well help. It certainly helped me.

Then there are other things you can do which helped me massively with the anxiety. Mindfulness/meditation helps you be in the present and stop worrying about things the future may hold, and which you can't change anyway. Getting out for a walk in the fresh air each day, yoga, all that sort of stuff. And be aware that posting, reading and watching menopause related content is feeding your worries and making your anxiety worse.