To feel so shit about menopause?

[menopausequestion]

Ok, just to say in advance I do not mean to cause any offence to anyone who has experienced menopause with this post, I'm just looking for a safe space to vent and see if I'm alone or not because I am in pieces at the moment.

Just to acknowledge too, that at 38 (I turn 39 in a few months), I know I'm probably too young to be "in" the menopause but I do wonder if I'm pre menopausal. And it's hugely getting me down. For me it's knowing that biology is about to take away any more chances to be a mum and I'm struggling emotionally with that so much. Here are some of my symptoms:

• hugely emotional, more so than normal, crying a lot and not sure why

• I feel terrified at the prospect of menopause, I am scared of losing my ability to have babies (I'm unsure whether I'd have another at my age, I have 2 beautiful children, but the idea of it being taken out of my hands by nature has sent me into a spiral of panic)

• I have a longing for another baby so strong it's difficult to think of much else - I wonder if it's my body and hormones telling me as loudly as possible, this is your last chance

• my mood is really low, yesterday I was almost suicidal - only thing that pulled me out was the idea of my 3 year old being without a mummy so young

• utter awful brain fog - I can't think straight. I mix up words when I try to get a sentence out, and forget what I went into a room for, that sort of thing. I'm sort of floating around just existing, and going through the motions of being a mum.

• the most distressing one is - I feel as though menopause will take away my identity as a woman (I mean absolutely NO offence by this to anyone who is unable to have children - this is just how I personally feel). For me, the ability to have another baby is what defines ME personally (no one else) as a woman and a mother. I feel once this is gone, I will be a shell with no purpose. Yes - I KNOW this is an irrational thought process because I will still be a mum to my 2 children regardless, but I cannot shake it. It's just taken over my brain.

I am so, so down. Please don't be horrible to me, I am writing this through floods of tears. I promise I mean NO OFFENCE by any of this. I'm just desperately in need of somewhere to pour this out before it eats me alive. I'm terrified of how dark my thoughts have been.

If you read this far thank you so much.

To correct one point - menopause is NOT diagnosed by blood tests. Or shouldn't be. The protocol should be that if a woman over 45 is presenting with anxiety, hot flushes, vaginal atrophy or whatever else of dozens of symptoms, then she should be treated as if she was in menopause.

In younger women like the OP, then bloods are done not to diagnose menopause but to rule OUT other things like an underactive thyroid, anemia etc etc.

Be kind to yourself. It's not unusual to have a wobble when you're staring down the barrel of the next big life stage. I'm 52 but I'm already freaking out about turning 60 – like, how the hell did that happen?! I'm still 28 in my head! What's less common is having such an extreme reaction where you're feeling suicidal. It does sound like you might have a hormonal imbalance or possibly depression. You need to see your GP asap.

Thanks so much for all of your replies. I am heading into work now so unable to read them properly til later, but I will and I will respond to some of the questions asked. Thank you all so much for taking the time to help and for being nice to me. I really appreciate that x

It’s not.
In perimenopause your hormone levels will fluctuate- one day they may have dropped but the next may be back to normal. Blood tests are not reliable.
Perimenopause is diagnosed based on symptoms. It can drag on for years and years.
Disrupted sleep and anxiety are extremely common perimenopause symptoms which can be alleviated with hrt.

Perimenopause can start anywhere from 35, so yes, it could be that.

NHS will do a stupid, pointless blood test to measure ONE of about 35 peri symptoms and then tell you it’s not menopause and refuse to give you HRT until you’re 45. They’ll happily offer you antidepressants. The system is ridiculous.

I am well into menopause and still have regular periods.

You are still fertile as long as you are having periods.

The obsessive thinking about babies isn't part of menopause - it's part of how YOU feel. But as a pp said, it's actually quite freeing when you reach the point that you know for certain there are no accidental pregnancies in the future.

Menopause is a unique experience for each woman. The physical and mental symptoms affect us all differently - I hit menopause at 52 (I'm almost 66) and haven't had any sort of "brain fog", though I've had the rage! I've had moderate hot flushes that went on until recently and my skin, etc are obviously affected.

I tell you this because your fear is one of the unknown and you could be quite some years away from it anyway. As pp have said, do see your GP.

@Bookmark1111 60 is my big one this year and Im really looking forward to it tbh. My 50's were defined by the menopause and lets face it, it is a shitty time as a whole. Im still 30 in my head ( oh I loved my 30's and 40's ) and because Ive really worked hard on myself this past year Im looking forward to having a fun filled decade

End of the day we cant stop time. I know I have less ahead then behind me so Im going to enjoy every day the best I can and I hope Im still fit to table dance at 70 :)

I think many of your emotional issues will be tied up with your desire to have another child.
If you felt your family was complete, the emotional impact of this phase of your life would be tempered.
Please see your GP - you do not need to accept that your feelings (both emotional and physical) are just a normal part of being a woman. There are many things you can do.

In addition to any medical support, how is your diet, exercise and do you have interests/good friends?

I'm sorry you feel like this OP. I'm just about to turn 39 and have just started HRT after suffering with loads of symptoms for years and no Dr thinking to look at perimenopause as a cause have had numerous neurological exams/tests for M.S etc due to random tingling and dizziness and emotional rollwrcoasters but nothing ever found so symptoms can be really debilitating and cause real emotional distress. Its definitely possible that it could be the case for you in which case speaking to your gp and specifically mentioning menopause so they don't forget to think about it is worthwhile. HRT is not what it was years ago and lots of options. Of course it may not be menopause...it may be an imbalance of vitamins/minerals etc, it may also be depression/anxiety (although this is often put forward by GPs instead of considering menopause) whatever it is you are not in a healthy space whether that be physically or mentally and I'd really encourage you to speak to someone and please please don't be too scared to mention that you have had suicidal thoughts they will want to help you get better. Really hope you are able to work through your fears and sadness about having more children and can get to a higher plain soon.

OP I'm just a few years older than you, and I remember going through a similar feeling at a similar age to you. My partner was just about to get a vasectomy and I felt unbearable grief that our potential for a 3rd child would be gone. This despite the fact that I don't think our planet needs me to have a third child, I never want to put my body through pregnancy again, we live in a small flat and life is hectic enough already.

My conclusion is that hormones can make one feel irrational at times. I think they have to - for the survival of the species - otherwise too many women might stop at one child!

The feeling passed. I absolutely don't want a third. I'm sure perimenopause must be approaching and I weirdly welcome it. There are some symptoms that I've had for decades that should go when my periods finally stop.

And, I can't emphasise this enough, some amazing women the generation ahead of us have done so much work to demystify peri / menopause. It is not a bad time to be this age.

I think it can be fairly common for the start of the change in hormones to suddenly make women broody. I never really wanted kids till I started what I now realise was perimenopause and I was suddenly broody as hell.

Very glad I didn't follow my hormonal urges.

I'm coming through it now, and honestly, I had a rocky few years with hormones, but now it's OK.

If you are experiencing menopausal symptoms at 38/39 then I would recommend talking to your GP

HRT will help control the symptoms and anyone having menopause early can really benefit - bone health etc

Sounds like you need therapy. I don’t recognise any of what you are saying & I’m firmly in peri-menopause. The babies thing didn’t bother me at all.