Is my boyfriend being nasty?

[DespPirate]

I have been really struggling mentally and it’s caused recent problems in our relationship, things have blown up the last few days.
It’s due to the arguments but I don’t think it excuses the fact that he’s been really really nasty to me the last few days. Sarcastic, calling me a disgrace, leaving me crying on a kerb while he walked off, saying “I can do whatever the fuck I want” when I called him out on this.

i have apologised and said I’ll get help. I thought I was doing the right thing by suggesting couples counselling, but he instantly snapped and said “yeah I’m happy to, but all our problems are down to you so why don’t you sort yourself out first”. He can’t understand that I acknowledge this already, but also see that it’s made him really nasty too.
I was just trying to be helpful and show him our relationship is important to me too

He sounds horrible.

This relationship is not bringing anything positive to your life.

Get out.

This leaves out rather a lot of detail from your previous post, doesn't it? With the context missing the situation sounds quite different:

Try to look at this honesty and with an open mind.

which came first? The mental health problems or the boyfriend? Because I can guarantee your mental health will get better if you leave this person.

I didn’t need to write all the detail from the old thread. My question this time is about couples therapy.

I didn’t need to write all the detail from the old thread.

You did. It’s very relevant.

Oh it’s sounds completely different reading your other posts.

Can you link to your other post

Your previous thread is absolutely relevant.

It points to the fact that both of you are at your wits end, and that he's not just some sort of typical wanker that you read about on MN all the time.

He honesty sounds so much like my ex who hasn't changed at all in fact he got worse. Please get individual counselling for yourself. And don't choose him to father your child if you want one- look at my username. Obviously I got blamed that he walked out on my when I was extremely pregnant. Sounds like you might be dating my ex tbh

You are getting replies that fit the narrative without the context of your other thread.
You did that deliberately.

Your question, It really isn’t about couples therapy. I read your other thread. The context makes a huge difference.

but tbh OP, it is both possible that he is a very supportive boyfriend who reached the end of his tether in a sleep deprived stressful moment, and that he may turn out to have been biding his time. But you said you’ve been together 2 years, right? I think his mask would have slipped before, but I obviously don’t know the whole story

@Unexpectedlysinglemum
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5016077-i-need-help-dont-i

To be honest I'm surprised he hasn't snapped before going off your other post. He's right you do need to work on yourself before you suggest couples therapy.

this post just proves you're quite abusive towards him.

Oh gosh ! You only wrote your other thread yesterday.

I certainly don't think he is being unkind to you, he has suggested spending the holiday money on getting extra help for you - how kind of him !

And NO, no couples therapy.

'We just spoke about it and everything was ok. I then brought up one more thing that was bothering me in the car later (as he tells me to do), but he kicked off, saying it was “the wrong time” and that I never think of him and that I’m selfish.
He goes on to say “you were a fucking disgrace last night” when I’m at my mental rock bottom, he said he couldn’t bear to be around me and he left me sobbing next to the parked car whilst he “went on a walk”

im heartbroken 🙁 he’s been the most gentle person before now'

This is from your other thread.
Sorry but im going to have to maybe disagree with other pp. this reminds me so much of the narcissist cycle of idealize, devalue, discard - perhaps op is a codependent in a trauma bond with a narcissist! Just because some of these phrases from him - when IS the right time? I also don't like that he says 'you ALWAYS do this ' - I doubt that's entirely true and if he often talks to you like that no wonder
You're feeling hopeless and like you can't do anything right. I remember saying something like 'I can't get anything right' to my ex as he really made me feel like I was useless and got everything wrong. I can see why you said that. It could be that he's been trying too and just doesn't know what else to do.
Equally this is just one example - I know he's a human being too and he would have been exhausted.
I still think that individual therapy for you (and for him too) first is the best thing op not because I want to collude that 'you are the problem' but I think you need to spend time with someone who has time space and training to be dedicated to supporting you and this professional can help you work out if it's the relationship that's causing you such stress or not, and also whether it's a great guy that you're pushing away (which is what he seems to have convinced you) or if it's a guy that isn't meeting your needs and blames you and doesn't care about your feelings.

Either way op i think a good thing to do right now is to go and visit a friend of your mum if she is a nice kind mum and just be looked after - he doesn't seem able to meet your needs right now I don't know if that's him being worn out with the arguments and lack of sleep or from being a general bad guy but you need to spend time with someone who loves and accepts you unconditionally over the next couple of days

Honestly? I don’t think you’re well enough to be in a relationship

I can see where he is coming from after reading your other posts but that doesn’t mean he’s right to act like that either. If I’m honest, I think he would be much happier out of the relationship (most would have left long ago) and you should get some help so that things in the future are better for you.

Yeah not great pirate I've been sneezing and watching the soccer so not 100% .

need some rest and cold medicine from Tom

Rather than couples therapy, are you having individual therapy, on your own?

I’ve just read some of your previous post linked to by a PP. I think the reason that your partners reassurance never works, and that you’re so convinced everything is doomed is to do with your self esteem and relationship with yourself.

Instead of frantically seeking reassurance from your partner that everything is okay, you need to work on that inner resilience and confidence that says “even if things aren’t okay in this relationship, I will always be okay in the end”. You need a sense of inner safety and security, as you cannot make one external person responsible for all of your happiness and wellbeing.

“Even if he has gone off me, I will still be okay”.
“Even if he is busy, I will still be okay.
“Even if this relationship doesn’t work out, I will still be okay”.

Also, perhaps do some reading around “emotional flooding” as it sounds like you might be experiencing this, it’s useful to recognise when it’s happening, and when you identify it, it can help to take yourself off to somewhere quiet and do something soothing to help you to calm down/regulate your emotions.

If you’re flooded then your brain and body are already at max capacity with emotions/thoughts/feelings, etc - there’s no space there to untangle anything or process new or external information (I.e. your partners opinion/reassurance, etc) into anything productive like a resolution. Once you’re a bit calmer and more rational it’s much easier to then work out which emotions/thoughts are of value and need to be followed up, and which ones were just a symptom of being a bit stressed and dysregulated.

If you read about it and it resonates, perhaps you could then speak to your partner about it, and have some code word or cue so that you can communicate to him when it’s happening and take the opportunity to go and self regulate. You do need to communicate it to him though, otherwise it might be viewed as running away or storming off, and he has feelings and emotions too.

You do have to start taking personal responsibility for your thoughts, feelings and behaviours though, your partner isn’t responsible for providing endless reassurance and accommodation for a situation that isn’t improving.

Excellent post.
emotional flooding seems very apt.
Also, once I became familiar with the concept of “emotional flashback”, I understood my reactions in the present much better. I wasn’t reacting to the present, I was in a flashback without the visual aspect so couldn’t even identify that it was a flashback.

also a great post.
even though he was exhausted, the language he used makes me uneasy. And saying the holiday money should be spent on therapy for you could be twisted many ways in the near future. So it may not be the sign of a caring partner that it initially comes across as. I do think, as I said above, the mask maybe would have slipped earlier, tho? OP will have to think of his behaviour at other times of their relationship to paint a realistic picture.

how have things been since, OP?

If the situation was reversed and the op was writing this about her boyfriend she would be told to dump him.