I don’t even know what happened last night. Sorry this is so long.
DP and I have been together 2 years and generally we get on great, but recently our lows have been pretty bad. We recognised my mental health has been deteriorating (past trauma) and I’ve been trying my best to get better. My last therapist quit and I’m in between trying to find extra help, but I thought I was doing ok.
The issues have included me becoming irritable quickly, interrupting him when he speaks, not understanding his point of view etc. he also says I’m not willing to understand I have a problem, eg after an argument I’ll apologise and say I’ll work on myself and then a couple of weeks later I’m back to doing the same things and not realising it. One of my biggest issues is that if I have a bad day, I’ll always be looking for a reason why HE isn’t happy anymore eg we must be arguing because “he isn’t happy anymore” rather than me causing issues and I’m desperate to find the answer, he says I never believe him when he says he’s happy and he doesn’t want to end it.
Last night we were booking a holiday. We’ve been low on money the last few years and I was excited about this one. When we were looking at activities last night, he mentioned that we might not be able to afford to do all of the activities we’d written down. I got instantly upset because I feel like we can’t ever book a holiday without worrying about money.
He asked me what was wrong and I said nothing, he asked again and I said “we can’t afford it can we”. He asked why I always have to be so absolute and black-and-white. He then mentioned he was tired and we should go to bed, and I felt annoyed as I felt we’d been putting off booking things. So I stormed off to bed.
Later on, he tells me he felt like I’m ‘not communicating’ with him at the moment, and it’s causing lots of issues and pushing him away. He said his issue was instead of us just discussing the money, I had to jump straight to “we can’t afford it can we”. I’ve always been someone who reacts to things emotionally and doesn’t always act logically until after this. I saw this as him not accepting me as I am. He sees it as me not communicating with him.
He then admitted that he was very happy in general, but he feels my lows are getting worse. I thought I was doing better.
He says I’m becoming less tolerant, less willing to listen to him, and he said that apparently I’m doing my best to push him away. I don’t really understand how.
He said it’s because I’m not communicating with him, and not accepting that I’m making mistakes in the relationship. Instead I’m always making out it must be his problem - asking him why he’s gone off me, why he doesn’t like me anymore etc. I also have a tendency to see the relationship as doomed. Tbh I think I think I’m not good enough and he’ll see it eventually.
He said, for the first time, that he sees a time where i push him too far and we can’t come back from it.
We stayed up until 3am talking about it, and he wakes up really early for work so I felt really really really awful.
I cried a lot and i ended up hitting myself on the thighs a couple of times because i feel such intense guilt (i know, it’s terrible). I feel guilt for ruining the relationship, because he used to think i was perfect. I say this a loooooot. I also felt intense guilt for him not getting much sleep. I then ended up expressing suicidal thoughts (sick of not being good enough, what’s the point, it’s easier to die) and I think I really really scared him. He initially refused to sleep so he could watch me and make sure I was safe, but I felt so so awful about that and eventually he slept.
He said instead of a holiday maybe we need to spend money on getting me help urgently. He said it’s urgent and that he doesn’t want me to do anything stupid and it’s really really affecting our relationship.
Today we’ve both been really tired and he’s tried to be comforting but I’m struggling a lot. :( I’m feeling such intense guilt