To say that the next generation is primarily screwed in terms of resilience

[Namechangechangeobv]

And WTF do we do about it?

Obviously many young people are wonderfully resilient but the overall trend I’ve seen in my line of work (behavioural education) is that there are vast, and I mean VAST numbers of young adults who cannot leave the house, come into a classroom, look someone in the eye, make a phone call, speak infront of the class (if they make it in), cry when pronouns are wrong (daily occurrence), take responsibility to revise/get a job/learn to drive.

What is going to happen to these humans in the future?

Yup, it scares me. I have pretty normal friends with jobs like social workers, teachers, police…. All have children with either autism, anxiety, self harm, trans etc…. My daughter was pretty resilient till she was bullied in year 3, she did dance shows and was pretty confident, being bullied for practically the whole of year 3 set her back, then year 4 was covid, year 5 she was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, year 6 was the usual year 6 drama for girls with hormones and SATS anxiety…. Then seniors was a tough transition with teachers constantly making reference to her diabetes/ alarms / having phone out to check sugars / and generally being dicks!…. And my once confident happy child is now struggling to get into school and every morning is an argument and tears… we are currently winning and I’ve got her in a swim team which is great for her physically and mentally and she’s making some nice friends with common interests…. BUT it’s hard, and kids have so much pressure these days, can’t escape school because of phones/social media etc….
current teens seem to really struggle and bullying is rife!
I wonder if this generation growing up now will see the damage down to them and nan their kids from everything tech!

You have my backing someone needs to put them straight.

somewhat agree but to those on this thread, particularly teachers, sniffing at youngsters struggling with anxiety as something they just need to get over have clearly never had someone they love utterly debilitated by anxiety. I have two kids, we’ve brought them both up the same the same in what is a fairly traditional way. We have not been those parents who’ve let our children shy away from responsibility and we’ve been encouraging them to advocate for themselves from a young age. One manages the anxieties of life seemingly well, talks and works through them. The other is utterly utterly debilitated, can barely leave the house, school refuses, can’t cope in many social situations and has expressed a desire to no longer live if it meant feeling this way for ever. Her anxiety is so extreme and yes I’ve been one of those parents at school asking (desperately) for teachers to give her a break, not ask her questions in class, make allowances on homework etc because we’ve tried desperately to keep her connected and keep her in school and to keep her safe from her own mind. It took me all my effort to make those requests of school because I was ashamed and embarrassed about what people would think of her and me. They’d think she was a wuss and I was a soft parent. Neither of which is true but reading some of these posts makes it clear that people will have thought like that and that makes me feel sick but frankly nothing compared to what she has to go through on a daily basis. Please have some compassion.

Can you homeschool that's what I did in the end and my daughter is thriving now. The argument is they won't be socialising. My daughter is confident she earns her own money she is working on her career in an apprenticeship. I would say my daughter has more resilience and patience now than what she did at school and she's 18 next month.

Have you listened to this? Interview with Abigail Shrier about precisely this subject.

Communal activity like sports clubs and voluntary groups find it ever harder to insure themselves and maintain decent premises and sports grounds.

This is maybe not as big a cause as some others mentioned, but it really is huge in other ways.

Insurance companies, and things like mandatory training, are killing many of these organizations. In my rural community, there is a very significant organization for young people related to rural life. We are very small, and even more so since covid, but what may kill it is the rules about numbers of leaders at training and events. It simply isn't always possible, and what's more, it's hard to be anything other than bitter when the same kids will be with these same leaders in a dozen other contexts, from playing with friends, to being employed. Leaders are increasingly required to have more certifications as well.

The local church, similarly, is struggling under the weight of insurance.

It seems like the trajectory is that only the firmly middle class will have access to the benefits of communal organizations and classes and groups for kids, because they can pay for the commercial versions. (Which weirdly don't, in many cases, have the same requirements as voluntary organizations.

Sorry to disagree with you:
I have worked with 5-7 year olds for 36 years. During the COVID period, we had several who had just joined us, and many due to move up. Of the 25 girls, only 10 moved up, the rest refused, requests to stay with us from 8. From a group that was normally heavily oversubscribed, we got deferrals from ALL of those due to start, with a trickle over the year. But we have never got back to our numbers, and have only a small waiting list - often when girls reach age it is 50/50 if they actually turn up.
I work in a college, and volunteer in a primary school. I see staff bending over backwards to cater for children who, in my day would have just had to get on with it. We have a very high number of children who get extra time for exams, cannot sit an exam in a large hall, or even in a room with other candidates, who have to sit facing a wall, or in the corner with their back to the wall, cannot read well enough, so have their exams read to them, and even written for them. Those who have to have separate rooms because they cannot sit still for more than 5 minutes. I have had candidate run screaming away followed by her 1:1 carer simply because I was standing up when she came into the room!
At school, I have been unable to get to my y5 classroom because a y6 pupil is sitting against the door having a screaming meltdown upsetting everyone else.
Coming into school post-registration, I often have to wait for the stream of children who come later because they cannot bear to line up with their classmates, or need mummy to walk them in, or simply do not want to be there so play up. (I gathered one child who was blocking the door, and travelled him in with me. As reception was at that point unmanned, I simply talking him through logging in. Receptionist re-appeared and he went into melt-down mode - I told him to stop it and get on to his class, which he did to the absolute amazement of the staff. He was apparently going through this performance every day.)
When "my" class had a special activity, I was sent next door - into chaos. One autistic child and another with ODD were affecting the behaviour of the whole class. The reading levels of 9-10 year olds varies from age 6 to age 12, and possibly 8 or 9 of the children in a class of 30 are anxious about their ability - they have so many tests and assessments that they feel bad if they are not "top".
50% of children have a fidget toy in class, 2 or 3 with noise cancelling ear defenders, some cannot stay in the class and it is a common occurrence to see a child sat in the foyer on the floor, or spending a long time standing in the toilets - their way of coping - and there are a significant number who are unable to eat in the dining hall, or go out at play time.
Does this sound like resilient and capable to you?

They'll be fine, you'll be long gone by the sounds of it so not sure what you're worrying about. No one is the same as an adult as they are as a kid.

They'll look back at their great/grandparents and cringe, in the same way you did your grandparents because they were homophobic or believed that a woman's place was at home with the kids.

Even 90s stuff is completely cringeworthy now, like looking back at old gameshows seeing Bruce Forsyth referring to grown women as "dollies" while they simpered back.

Thank god things only keep getting better from a respecting other people perspective.

Having also worked in a school, frankly I think some of this is learned behaviour. I knew one little guy in my school who acted up every day. The reason, I believe, was because that meant he got to go do his work in the office of the vice principle, a kind man the little boy really liked. And many other kids were the same, they acted out because the outcome was desirable to them.

But many many also have never had to do anything that was a struggle, academically or otherwise, and they interpreted struggling as a negative thing, almost abnormal. Many don't play sports, very few learn music, they mainly play video games which are a cheap and easy way to get the dopamine rush of accomplishment.

I think in the past kids learned about failure naturally. It was expected that many kids weren't great students, for example, and even good students had to study to get good grades, or would struggle in certain subjects.

But more than that, in the past most kids were out and about with other kids most of the time when they were not in school or sleeping, and the society of children, away from the adult gaze, is bound to build resiliance and the ability to look for solutions to problems without help from adults. And this often began even before school age.

I think that is the number one change that has impacted kids, even more than social media. Lack of large swathes of self directed time away from adults and including with other children.

It's a shame that a few posts from people that work in schools just assume the school system, which is less than 100 years old but hasn't changed much in that time, 30 kids of the same age in a class, lining up to walk in, one teacher, bell goes every 35/40 minutes in secondary is 'right' and kids must be 'resilient' to fit in and get an education. Every other sector has changed. What about some resilience being shown rom the staff/systems to possibly change/evolve the status quo. Would be a good example for the non resilient kids. The only people I see wearing ties now are teachers and school kids.

@SheerLucks

Agree totally.

I'm 53 and got a one bed house on my own aged 23 on one wage of 12k a year. House was £34k. Same houses now are 225k.

It's a no brainer. I had an amazing 20's. Out loads. Festivals holidays. Ran a car all on 12k.

exactly this

Perhaps the conflicts around the world, civil unrest, racism, intolerance, knife crime, have made teenagers fearful of a world they are afraid to join?

When I see how sensitive people in high places are, how easily they are offended, and how the most minor comment can start violence, and how difficult relationships can be, and if there are not enough examples being set by adults in their environment, it must be very difficult for young people to find a niche in life that they can relate to. I think it depends on their immediate environment.

Perhaps there are not enough opportunities for the young to debate the pros and cons of society?

There is too much anger and resentment around, and I suppose it really boils down to their surroundings how young people cope.

Lol sounds like the op struck a nerve!

I definitely don’t cringe at my grandparents as I’m mentally mature enough to understand they didn’t know better and quite frankly, they fought in a war to ensure we all live as freely as we do now.

Don't forget, for all the negatives you’re citing about previous generations, it’s due to them that medicine, technology and human behaviour etc have advanced enough to give way more opportunities and lifestyles than have previously been enjoyed. Did everyone get it right… nope… but every generation makes it mistakes.

As for the phrases used in the past and how people behaved…. I’d take the 90’s any day over now. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows but there’s a lot to be said for living more simply and not wetting yourself because someone called you a dolly.

Perhaps if we asked them what they want, instead of telling them what they should do, they would be more communicative.

Do the young realise that every bad situation can be redeemed?

My children are grown. There was one rule which brought punishment when broken: telling the truth. Everything else was a mistake. If they lied about something, it was the worse thing they could do and carried consequences.

It is not difficult to 'tell' from their faces if they were telling the truth, and nine times out of ten, they confessed later.

Are children taught how to redeem something good out of mistakes?

You can thank the overly academic Victorian-style curriculum for that.

In no way does school today prepare students for the real world. Its main aim is to get them to regurgitate arbitrary knowledge by passing tests which is for the schools league tables alone.

Perhaps there are not enough opportunities for the young to debate the pros and cons of society?

You must be joking. Everyone has an unprecedented array of platforms now, both online and for real. For some reason, few of the younger people know how to debate or even think of it as a good thing. "Cancelling" everyone who doesn't agree with you in every detail, shouting others down while refusing to listen, or retreating while grumbling "Educate yourself!" does absolutely nothing to move diversity forward, improve knowledge & understanding, or foster co-operation.

I'm not exaggerating. The most powerful social movement of these times has succeeded in near-total institutional & societal capture over an incredibly short space of time, running the slogan "NO DEBATE".

I completely agree. I have two teens who are nowhere near as resilient as I'd like and go to pieces at small things like being told off by a teacher, any slightly sad news item (though they are fine with climate change apparently, judging by their inability to turn off lights, wear anything other than fast fashion especially Nike, go to McDonald's etc!) or not being able to find something, for example. Most of their friends have suffered with mental health issues which are often manifested through eating disorders, self harm, anxiety... Obv we don't know what goes on behind closed doors but we 'know' most of their parents and they are all, as far as we know, from stable living homes with lots of opportunities etc. Conversely, I work with teens in the criminal justice system abd it blows my.mind what many have survived, with the impact of their traumas manifesting in other ways - gravitation to gangs, drugs, violence etc. I've never had someone with an eating disorder on my caseload though, and rarely see self harm other than through unhealthy or reckless behaviours... It's very interesting but I definitely worry for our young. Perhaps it's the impact of COVID, other societal issues, modern parenting, who knows but whatever the issues are they're going to need all the resilience they can get in coming years!

There seem to be two discussions going on here about mental health. I'm not sure if posters really are misunderstanding one another or it's just a symptom of individual preoccupations.

On the one hand, we have what could be called "actual disorders", such as ASDs. I imagine we'd all agree that improved awareness, diagnostics and treatment strategies are a desirable development. We'd all agree, I think, there should be provision here.

Then we have a pathologisation of developmentally normal emotions such as fear, anxiety, doubt, confusion, anger and downright general stroppiness. These are not "actual disorders" but it wouldn't surprise me to learn they can be turned into mental health problems by treating them as such. We do children no favours by acting as though only good feelings are worth having, nor by allowing them to believe there is such a thing as perfection in life.

I have long held that, for the good of everyone in society, everybody should do at least one course of proper therapy; it should be as expected as learning to swim or drive. Whether you agree or not, though, we're clearly a long way from that.

While there is so much more demand for mental health support than resources to provide it, surely it makes sense to direct those resources to the "actually disordered", and treat the "normally uncomfortable" as children in need of guidance on coping with an imperfect life.

As the number of people seeking mental health treatment have increased, so the support to those with serious mental health problems has decreased. Resources have just been spread very thinly.

@Garlickit "I have long held that, for the good of everyone in society, everybody should do at least one course of proper therapy; it should be as expected as learning to swim or drive. Whether you agree or not, though, we're clearly a long way from that.

While there is so much more demand for mental health support than resources to provide it, surely it makes sense to direct those resources to the "actually disordered", and treat the "normally uncomfortable" as children in need of guidance on coping with an imperfect life."

In the UK the bigger problem is poverty and many children don't have enough food or warm, clean, safe accommodation. The idea of therapy for all is pie in the sky in the context.

This sounds like the environment is completely unsuitable for these kids.

Have you seen what 5 year olds are expected to do in the curriculum? It’s totally inappropriate, highly pressured and I think I’d kick off that way if I was 5 and being treated like a statistic on a graph/being asked to do all the stupid academic shit they have to do to jump through hoops for the school.

The curriculum/education system is totally out of touch and outdated for today’s world.

I think that medicalisation of emotions is playing a part in this. People aren't feeling anxious or depressed anymore, they "have anxiety" or "have depression". It is a minor change, but one which takes a temporary feeling and makes it a more permanent fixture. People are increasingly being told if you feel anxious, you must have a medical problem, and you are at liberty to avoid anything triggering because you must protect your mental health. In reality, feeling anxious about new or unknown things is a completely normal human reaction that the entire population experiences. Mental health isn't blocking out negative emotions - being mentally healthy involves experiencing, navigating and managing all emotions, positive and negative. If we aren't encouraged to do this, how can we build up our resilience to negative situations?

Well my generation were told that computers would take all our jobs. Somehow we managed to cope.