Thankfully, this 'relationship' didn't last long. I am child-free and 33.
I stupidly made an exception for a single Dad because we clicked on so many other aspects. I'm 33 (female), so I suppose a lot of my 'pool' consists of a lot of parents. Certainly if they are older - which he is. He is 45.
This guy told me his co-parenting with his ex was cordial and in a good place. Total BS. He told me his kids didn't 'drop in' on the days he didn't have them, despite them being somewhat close by. Total BS.
Every date was interrupted with incessant calls. The mother would want to dump the kids onto him at a moment's notice, so nights in were quickly shut down - and because I had yet to formally meet them, I would have to leave the house before they entered. There was no formal arrangement regarding when the kids would be with the Mom/Dad, despite him saying otherwise. Plus, if he wasn't at home, he'd be at the Mom's house playing happy families. He even still thought he could take family (domestic and Intl) trips together - and they apparently still wanted to have that 'family setup'.
It was beyond insulting. Worst of all, I kept doubting myself and feeling like the worst person in the world for wanting a dinner where the phone didn't ring throughout - and so to 'keep the peace' - I would say nothing. But when I did speak up (and even that was kindly), I felt like a horrible person and like I was being 'needy' or 'competing' for attention.
But the truth is, because I'm such an independent person by nature, I let many things slide as I'm more than ok with my own company. But in the end, I was compromising too much. When I ended things, I was very polite and he thanked me for being understanding and said many lovely things etc... there was no drama within the break up and no shouting or anything like that. No blowup.
Of course, children should be a priority. I totally understand that, but he was trying to have this happy family setup in one home and thinking he could have this relationship with me on the side - where I couldn't even get my basic needs met. I hated feeling like I was 'asking for scraps of attention' - as that's so far from who I am as a person.
He admitted that he thought he could have both - and that there were no boundaries between him and his ex - and admitted that she still very much wanted this setup to continue too, more than he apparently did (but that could be BS - who knows). I suspect he just wanted to be the 'fun' and 'available' Dad - which I sort of get. They were still very much in each others' pockets. But in that case, there's sadly no room for another relationship - which is why I (respectfully and kindly) walked away.
Looking back now, I don't even know if his divorce had been finalized. He did admit his situation was 'difficult' for a CF person, but to be totally blunt, seeing him jump whenever his ex said 'jump' - just made me lose all respect for him. But I also understand that he's being present for his children, which is obviously no bad thing.
A few days later, he came back trying to plead his 'case' and list all the 'advantages' and how his kids don't demand a lot of attention and will be 'out the house soon'.
Hearing that didn't make me feel good as there shouldn't be a countdown as to when they 'leave'. Also, parenting is a job for life. So his 'case pleading' fell on deaf ears. I shut it down.
He's since come back again and suggested a break/vacation together. Whilst I appreciate the thought/efforts - I also feel like I'm not being heard - as what would that solve?! We are simply not compatible. Full stop.
I think because I ended things so amicably and kindly (which he would also agree with) - he still feels like he can have some swaying power. But now I am just beyond angry. I handled a situation well because I wanted what was best for their family - and yes, also for myself, but I feel like he's now asking me to put all of my needs aside for him.
Am I being unreasonable here in feeling as angry as I do? Once again, I feel like a terrible uncompromising person.