Postnatal visiting AIBU

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Hi I'm currently pregnant with my first, due in a couple of months. I am trying to prepare for a long & complicated labour bc my body is awkward and knowing my luck things will go that way!
My partner will be with me during labour, I've been with him almost 10 years, trust him 100% which is why I don't know why I feel this way, anyway I'll carry on,

We have quite a large family and I imagine a lot of them will want to come and visit after on the postnatal ward, I know there's set visiting times on the ward which is fine. (I think it's open visiting for partners, 2 other visitors during visiting times) I will clarify with MW in a couple of weeks.

I'm getting a bit worried though bc my partner said outside of visiting times for relatives, he will just pick up the baby from the cot, carry her outside in the hospital corridors for family to meet her.

I don't want him to do this. I explained I might not be able to join him depending on how I'm feeling and tbh I don't want to go walking round in cold corridors with our baby. And I want to be there when family are meeting her it's a special moment.

I told him I don't want him just picking up the baby and taking her elsewhere. It's chaotic for a start. I said if I wake up from a nap, for example and the baby isn't there I might panic. I want the baby to stay in the cot but obviously can be taken out of the cot if someone visits us on the ward to hold etc.
He said I'm being unreasonable because it's his baby too.

We can't agree on this. Please feel free to tell me I'm being unreasonable and help me to see sense. Maybe it's just my protective instincts kicking in already? I know I won't feel this way when we go home. But in hospital it just seems right for me and baby to stay together? AIBU?

My partner said things like 'well I'm the parent as well, if I want to pick up my daughter I won't need your permission' - which is correct obviously, but it really wound me up when he said he'd do this in hospital, carry the baby up and down the ward 'just because', and take her out of the ward for other relatives to see as well. And he said if I'm napping and the baby wakes up, he won't wake me up or tell me that he's taking her - which made me paranoid, because I wouldn't want to wake up without my baby or my partner at my bedside. I don't know how long he expected me to be in the ward!!

I'm definitely going to speak to MW about anxiety, I think I'm getting myself all worried for nothing. I really hope I do have a straightforward labour and can go home soon afterwards then I won't need to bother about all this.

I've taken onboard what people have said about taking the lead. I think this is linked to my anxiety. I think I just want to make sure I've got enough good quality time to bond with my baby and I think it's the thought of all the visitors that is worrying me a bit.

The midwives won’t allow it anyway, but if you’re there for more than about 24 hours it’ll be because either you or the baby are in no fit state for hoardes of visitors. They can visit once the baby is home.

When I was on the postnatal ward for about a week in total (readmitted a couple of times because of baby’s excessive weight loss and bad jaundice) it was a nightmare when people treated visiting hours like some kind of party. The limits weren’t well enforced and it was like there was a succession of loud and obnoxious strangers, adults and children, going past my curtain while I was vulnerable, crying and boobs out desperately trying to learn to breastfeed a starving baby. Really selfish to do that unless you’ve got a private room, IMO.

As others have said, he won’t be allowed to take the baby outside of the ward, the staff just won’t allow it. I also don’t think you’re being unreasonable to not like that idea anyway. You will want to be with your tiny newborn the entire time, it’s completely normal. Your partner just not getting that is concerning.

My ex MIL once waited for me to fall asleep and removed my days old baby from the Moses basket beside me and took her out for a walk. I was beside myself, long after I realised what had happened. I never really forgave her or trusted her after that. Not helped by the fact she refused to see what she’d done wrong.

Absolutely not! So you’ve spent 9 months making a baby and a day giving birth to it and he gets all the glory of introducing the baby to the family?! What a dick.

The more I read about this man the more I think he’s a dick. Definitely talk to the midwife she will be able to help your anxiety I’m sure. Hopefully you won’t need to stay in too long after the birth and everything goes better than you’re anticipating right now.

Remind him that as you're not married he has no rights as a parent until you say so , until you put him on the birth certificate , if you do .

My children both were tagged around the ankle. There was no removing them from the ward. Born in hospitals hours apart from one another so it's clearly a common thing to do.

He sounds mental. You can’t just wander off round the hospital with a newborn. I’m not due till May but I thought this would be obvious!

As has already been said, he absolutely will not be allowed to just wander around with the baby and he most certainly won't be able to leave the ward with her. She will have an alarm on which will sound if anyone takes her near the doors. The doors on maternity units are locked for security reasons.

If he attempts to take her out, he will be stopped by a midwife. If he persists or argues, they will call security.

You probably won't be in long - I was in 2 days after my emergency c-section.

I will say, your posts about what your partner is saying ring alarm bells for me. He is not married to you so until he is on the birth certificate (if you put him on) he does not have parental rights.

I would urge you to speak to your midwife - tell her what he is saying and that you are anxious.

Won't be allowed. Babies are all tagged and an alarm will go off :)
Don't worry
Good luck

Honestly OP, your first post made me think he was an over enthusiastic under informed man but your updates make him sound very controlling. Yeah, he's an equal parent and could help a lot, especially if you have the rough time you're anticipating but saying you'll take a baby away from their mum in the first few days is a bit of a red flag. Def breastfeed if you can and don't register baby if he becomes more controlling as pregnancy progresses. Unfortunately DA, particularly coercive control often starts in pregnancy. I hope I'm wrong but I see some red flags I had when pregnant with DD1

Oh this one needs telling.

1. He clearly knows nothing about maternity wards. Babies are not allowed to be removed from the ward and I was told they had to be wheeled around within the ward in the cot.
2. He does not get to take your baby away from you.

Ask your midwife to explain these loudly and clearly if he still doesn’t listen to you.

When my dd was on the ward all babies were tagged for security- had I walked off with the baby then alarm bells would have sounded & security would be alerted

Red Flags here tbh. Talk to your midwife and tell her about his attitude and your anxiety. Hope you have a good support network as he sounds like a right prick tbh.

I am quite worried about the both of you.

He sounds like a massive prick with no concept of the real world. He will have no rights or say until his name is on the birth certificate.

However, what makes you think you are I’ll be in hospital for days? Most mums and babies are out within 24 hours. Are you overly anxious? What is the context behind these conversations? If he is the controlling a-hole we all think, he will try to spin you as being unstable.

There is a massive difference between:

I don’t need your permission to pick up my child (I am a fucking dick and have a problem with you taking the lead)

and

I shouldn’t need to wake you for permission to cuddle my baby. If you are asleep, I should be able to try and comfort said child without waking you. ( I am not a dick and I want to try to be an equal parent).

SPEAK TO YOUR MIDWIFE/ FAMILY/FRIENDS ASAP

Either way, you need support of people that love, care and can advocate for you.

I don't think he will be allowed to take the baby off the ward I know at the 2 hospitals I've given birth at the baby can't leave the ward until discharged from the hospital.

Completely agree with @TimetoPour.

There's a huge difference between:

1. mum is knackered and sleeping, if baby wakes dad should be able to pick up and comfort without having to seek permission (yes, good dad and good partner would do this)

And

1. I don't need your permission to take baby away without your knowledge when you've just given birth and are still in hospital (nutjob).

As previous posters have said, in the maternity ward, you are the patient, and baby is there with you. As you are not married, he has no right to take baby anywhere as he won't have legal parental responsibility until you register the birth. I text my DP to bring my bag to the loo in the maternity ward for me and the nurses intervened and said he wasn't allowed, never mind taking the baby anywhere!!

You do sound very anxious - I remember feeling similar with my DP, he was super enthusiastic and I am quite OCD! It's difficult to remember it is his baby too, and he will want to parent and bond as much as you do! The sooner you realise you're a team and can work together, the better. Forget the "leads" and try to find some common ground if you can. But if you do feel like it's a contest and he's undermining / controlling, have a long think about this before you put his name on the birth certificate.

He sounds controlling and not very nice to be honest. It also doesn't sound as though you trust him. Newborn babies need mum primarily. Great if dad wants to be involved and as the baby gets towards a year he can move towards being an equal parent. But for a newborn he needs to defer to your own judgement and instincts, while supporting you to care for the baby.
Hopefully his family are nicer and more reasonable than he is but if they show any signs of wanting to remove your baby then don't be afraid to tell them to do one. They can get to know baby while you are there, on your terms.
Separating a newborn from its mother goes against all nature and instinct. There's a reason you feel the way you do!

Although don't worry about nappy changes, there will be plenty to go round. I'm sure the novelty will wear off after about 3 days!

Also to add - my babies born in the last 5 years did not have security tags, it's not a universal thing

Great if dad wants to be involved and as the baby gets towards a year he can move towards being an equal parent. But for a newborn he needs to defer to your own judgement and instincts, while supporting you to care for the baby.

This is completely incorrect. There is absolutely no reason at all why a dad should wait any time to be an ‘equal parent’, let alone a year. I’ve never heard anything quite so ridiculous in all my life. Mothers don’t have some sort of magical brain that automatically knows how to look after a baby. Mens brains release exactly the same hormones post birth as women’s do. Dads are as capable as mums at looking after babies, provided they are allowed to! How do you think gay couples manage to raise babies? Or do you think they must have a woman present until the child is a year old?!

I agree.

My husband was an equal parent from day dot and lets be honest, if dad isn't an equal parent by the time baby is a year old then it's unlikely he will ever be an equal parent.

You see it all of the time on here - baby won't settle for DH, baby only wants me, DH says he doesn't know what to do with baby when he/she cries etc.

Babies aren't allowed to leave the room your in. Only when taken by midwifes or nurses for antibiotics and checks.

Exactly. So much whinging about dads not doing their bit, when so many of them are told from the birth of their child that they aren’t as important as mum and don’t know as much as mum. They are and should be equally involved from the get go. My husband was just as capable as I was with all of our children.

I’ll just caveat this by saying op’s other half sounds controlling rather than wanting to be an equal parent.

Oh yeah, at first he just sounded like an excited father to be concerned that he'll be pushed out but there's absolutely some red flags regarding controlling behaviour.

He won't be allowed, don't worry. You won't even be allowed in a corridor with the baby until you're both discharged. But he sounds very thoughtless. Perhaps bring him to a midwife appointment and have her tell him he's being a knob with suggestions like this.