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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Postnatal visiting AIBU

80 replies

Showbel · 25/02/2024 15:39

Hi I'm currently pregnant with my first, due in a couple of months. I am trying to prepare for a long & complicated labour bc my body is awkward and knowing my luck things will go that way!
My partner will be with me during labour, I've been with him almost 10 years, trust him 100% which is why I don't know why I feel this way, anyway I'll carry on,

We have quite a large family and I imagine a lot of them will want to come and visit after on the postnatal ward, I know there's set visiting times on the ward which is fine. (I think it's open visiting for partners, 2 other visitors during visiting times) I will clarify with MW in a couple of weeks.

I'm getting a bit worried though bc my partner said outside of visiting times for relatives, he will just pick up the baby from the cot, carry her outside in the hospital corridors for family to meet her.

I don't want him to do this. I explained I might not be able to join him depending on how I'm feeling and tbh I don't want to go walking round in cold corridors with our baby. And I want to be there when family are meeting her it's a special moment.

I told him I don't want him just picking up the baby and taking her elsewhere. It's chaotic for a start. I said if I wake up from a nap, for example and the baby isn't there I might panic. I want the baby to stay in the cot but obviously can be taken out of the cot if someone visits us on the ward to hold etc.
He said I'm being unreasonable because it's his baby too.

We can't agree on this. Please feel free to tell me I'm being unreasonable and help me to see sense. Maybe it's just my protective instincts kicking in already? I know I won't feel this way when we go home. But in hospital it just seems right for me and baby to stay together? AIBU?

OP posts:
Overthebow · 25/02/2024 16:12

Your baby won’t be allowed to leave the ward so he won’t be able to do this.

BobbyBiscuits · 25/02/2024 16:13

The baby is a patient and the nurses will not allow him to just take them out of the ward outside of visiting hours. Baby stay on ward and visiting hours are what they are. It isn't safe to take the baby away from the Mum without supervision from Mum or nurses when they are that young. You could explain the situation to the nurses, and make sure that they can be the ones to explain why he can't do this. I don't see why there's a need anyway? What is wrong with adhering to visiting hours? Surely you and baby won't be there for long, and you can chat/ video call people outside of visiting if you want to. (It's your choice, and you may well be too tired.) DH needs to understand your needs come first, not his family wanting to see the baby.

neleh87 · 25/02/2024 16:14

I think he's been watching too much tv!

Original poster
Showbel · 25/02/2024 16:16

Thank you for responses. I'm really worried that when baby is home he will just take over. Like do most of the holding, nappy changing, putting to bed etc. I know he will be really excited which will be amazing, and I want him to do what he wants to do. I'll be grateful for all the help I can get, but I feel I want to take the lead. Is this normal to feel like this?

OP posts:
SwingTheMonkey · 25/02/2024 16:20

Plenty of good responses so far but to add another voice to the majority- no he won’t be allowed to do this, even if you were on board. You can’t just walk around the wards holding baby and baby can’t be taken outside of the unit.

If there are a large number of family members who want to visit once you’re home - you’re going to have to be firm with who comes when and how long they stay. Whilst it’s nice for people to come and see you and baby, you’ll be really tired and you need to prioritise rest and bonding some of the time.

donteatthedaisies0 · 25/02/2024 16:26

Don't worry until he's on birth certificate he won't have any parental rights anyway as you're not married . Totally up to you as to whether he goes on there or not .

SwingTheMonkey · 25/02/2024 16:27

Showbel · 25/02/2024 16:16

Thank you for responses. I'm really worried that when baby is home he will just take over. Like do most of the holding, nappy changing, putting to bed etc. I know he will be really excited which will be amazing, and I want him to do what he wants to do. I'll be grateful for all the help I can get, but I feel I want to take the lead. Is this normal to feel like this?

You’re both planning for a difficult birth and planning to take the lead with baby when you get home? That doesn’t make sense?

I think both of you need to stop thinking of things in terms of ‘taking the lead’. Your baby is both of yours. You’re a partnership. work together.

Spangler · 25/02/2024 16:31

Your DP won’t have PR, for a start. The midwives won’t allow him to take the baby. Are you planning on BF? You’re highly unlikely to be napping on the post natal ward, and if you’re there for any period of time it’ll be because you or baby aren’t doing so well, which I expect will put things into perspective for him.

He sounds over excited and unprepared, and it’s probably time for a serious chat. Has he been on any antenatal classes with you?

DinnaeFashYersel · 25/02/2024 16:31

The hospital won't let him do this so stop worrying about it.

Visiting hours are visiting hours.

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 25/02/2024 16:38

Excited and all as he may be, I'm sure you'll gather from the countless threads on here, that the vast majority of men lose interest in "taking the lead" quite early on and are happy to leave the women to it...

NewName24 · 25/02/2024 17:12

SwingTheMonkey · 25/02/2024 16:27

You’re both planning for a difficult birth and planning to take the lead with baby when you get home? That doesn’t make sense?

I think both of you need to stop thinking of things in terms of ‘taking the lead’. Your baby is both of yours. You’re a partnership. work together.

Edited
Show quote history

Yes.

this seems an odd mindset.
What do you mean with "taking the lead" ? For the time he is on paternity leave you will both be parenting your new baby - learning together.

You have no idea how you will feel afterwards. Potentially you will really appreciate someone else lifting the baby out of its crib etc.
You need to relax and stop assuming the worst so you can both enjoy the early days. Smile

cheddarsandtoast · 25/02/2024 17:27

This is so odd. Why would people even be coming outside of visiting hours anyway?? Surely most relatives would wait until you came home OR come during normal hours which is literally most of the day!
And no the baby would not be allowed to be carried out of the ward so he can forget that!

SouthLondonMum22 · 25/02/2024 17:29

Showbel · 25/02/2024 16:16

Thank you for responses. I'm really worried that when baby is home he will just take over. Like do most of the holding, nappy changing, putting to bed etc. I know he will be really excited which will be amazing, and I want him to do what he wants to do. I'll be grateful for all the help I can get, but I feel I want to take the lead. Is this normal to feel like this?

You will both be new parents and you'll both be learning together. You're a team, neither of you should be taking the lead. He won't be helping you, he'll be parenting baby with you.

VainAbigail · 25/02/2024 17:41

My maternity unit don’t even allow you to physically carry your baby in the corridors on the ward. Babies have to be wheeled around so no chance would he be able to just carry yours Willy nilly!

And and sensible PN ward will not be at all happy with a baby being taken off the ward and bought back on, if a dad even managed to get the baby out!!

Discuss with your midwife and those on the ward when the time comes and tell them your worries.

Nanny0gg · 25/02/2024 17:50

Showbel · 25/02/2024 16:16

Thank you for responses. I'm really worried that when baby is home he will just take over. Like do most of the holding, nappy changing, putting to bed etc. I know he will be really excited which will be amazing, and I want him to do what he wants to do. I'll be grateful for all the help I can get, but I feel I want to take the lead. Is this normal to feel like this?

Yes.

Absolutely.

Of course you can 'share' - he's the father. But you've been primary 'carer' for 9 months. That won't change

Are you planning to breastfeed?

Parker231 · 25/02/2024 17:53

Showbel · 25/02/2024 16:16

Thank you for responses. I'm really worried that when baby is home he will just take over. Like do most of the holding, nappy changing, putting to bed etc. I know he will be really excited which will be amazing, and I want him to do what he wants to do. I'll be grateful for all the help I can get, but I feel I want to take the lead. Is this normal to feel like this?

Fathers don’t’help’ - they parent, same as mothers.

FairfaxAikmann · 25/02/2024 17:55

It might be his baby but he's clearly not thinking of his or her needs - babies need to be with mum. Full stop.
You are all they know and the world is scary enough without putting your absence into the mix and passing baby round like a parcel.

Mrsttcno1 · 25/02/2024 17:57

I’m also currently pregnant and I know at our hospital this wouldn’t be allowed, baby isn’t allowed to be taken off the ward until discharge time.

With regards to your feelings about being home and “taking the lead”, you need to try and change your mindset on this a bit. You’re both going to be brand new parents and you’re both going to want to be with baby, you’re a team! You have to remember as well your partner likely only has 2 weeks paternity to spend with baby, you may have months and months of maternity, he is going to feel the need to “cram” more than you are x

Lassiata · 25/02/2024 18:01

Showbel · 25/02/2024 16:16

Thank you for responses. I'm really worried that when baby is home he will just take over. Like do most of the holding, nappy changing, putting to bed etc. I know he will be really excited which will be amazing, and I want him to do what he wants to do. I'll be grateful for all the help I can get, but I feel I want to take the lead. Is this normal to feel like this?

It's totally reasonable you feel this way, sounds like he has a tendency to get carried away. In the postpartum period he needs to be responsive to what you and baby as a dyad need to be physically comfortable and feel safe. If he does that sensitively trust me you'll be delighted to hand baby over 😁It sounds to me like you're a bit worried he will (not out of malice) disregard your feelings a little.

Lassiata · 25/02/2024 18:02

Mrsttcno1 · 25/02/2024 17:57

I’m also currently pregnant and I know at our hospital this wouldn’t be allowed, baby isn’t allowed to be taken off the ward until discharge time.

With regards to your feelings about being home and “taking the lead”, you need to try and change your mindset on this a bit. You’re both going to be brand new parents and you’re both going to want to be with baby, you’re a team! You have to remember as well your partner likely only has 2 weeks paternity to spend with baby, you may have months and months of maternity, he is going to feel the need to “cram” more than you are x

It doesn't matter, he is not the priority. Baby is and secondary to that, the mother. He is not a new person and he has not just given birth.

SwingTheMonkey · 25/02/2024 18:03

I’ve been at home with all 4 of my children and I still don’t consider myself their ‘primary carer’. Their dad is incredible and has looked after them just as well as I have over the 14 years we’ve been parents. I never once thought I, as their mother, was worth more than him in terms of caring, despite carrying them for 9 months!

Hemax1 · 25/02/2024 18:10

In terms of taking the baby out … at our maternity unit the babies are tagged. The midwife forgot to take the tag of our last one when we were discharged and as soon as we were out of the ward door and about to go onto the main corridor alarms sounded and the main door locked … so no chance of him being able to take your baby out onto the corridors there.

what I would suggest is getting him to attend a midwife appt and asking them
for their input on this as then it’s not you that’s stopping him from doing it. or alternatively take some antenatal classes together before the birth and bring it up.

after the birth, let him help and get used to changing nappies etc but not take over. At least then when you do need him to help he’s confident about doing so. And remember he’ll be back at work after his paternity leave ends in any case allowing you to build up your routines with your baby.

Mrsttcno1 · 25/02/2024 18:16

Lassiata · 25/02/2024 18:02

It doesn't matter, he is not the priority. Baby is and secondary to that, the mother. He is not a new person and he has not just given birth.

Show quote history

I didn’t say he’s the priority, but he has just become a dad in the same way that OP will have just become a mum. They are naturally both going to want to take care of their new baby, it shouldn’t be a competition and in a healthy relationship you should be a team to parent. There should be no “take the lead”, you are both becoming parents, you’re both learning how to take care of a tiny human :)

Rosesanddaisies1 · 25/02/2024 18:18

I don’t know anyone who has stayed in hospital long enough to have any visitors? Surely you want to get out of there ASAP. Just say no visitors at the hospital.

BIossomtoes · 25/02/2024 18:26

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 25/02/2024 16:38

Excited and all as he may be, I'm sure you'll gather from the countless threads on here, that the vast majority of men lose interest in "taking the lead" quite early on and are happy to leave the women to it...

This. By the time he’s had a few sleepless nights he’ll have forgotten all about “taking the lead”. The best laid plans seldom survive contact with the enemy.