Relocation to USA

[zssta]

I'm American and had a baby with a British man. After 3 years of being here I want to go back home ( currently uk) to my family as I've been suffering mentally without them near since giving birth. My babys dad doesn't Want to move and keeps threatening suicide if I leave him with the baby. The need to leave is also him due to having mental illness like depression, anxiety and anger unmanaged. It's too much for me to handle with a baby. My baby dad and have decided the relationship is too toxic for our baby so decided to end it. I want to take legal action so I can take my baby with me, he isn't going to consent on his own free will. What should I do??

Well you’ll need to go through the correct channels. It’s incredibly unlikely you’ll be able to leave with baby though considering the background here

Are you married and is he named on the birth certificate? If yes to either of these then he does have parental responsibility which allows him to take legal action to prevent you taking the baby overseas. If no then he can apply for PR which is an added level of complication/ expense. Whether or not he has the resources / resolve to do that only you can know.

Another thing to consider is your visa status and your ability to financially support yourself as a single person.

You need legal advice basically

You need to consult a family law specialist solicitor asap.

Not much you can do. If he has PR then you're basically stuffed.

You can't just take someone's child away.

This is true but the point is actually the other way around:
You can’t just take a child away from their parent.

So you all suggesting my mental health issues decline and permanently be punished for moving away from my home /family? He wont even give me consent to go back home and visit my family with baby for a couple of weeks.
Hence the question on here AIBU??

Legal action is being considered ofcourse I'm not going to kidnap my baby or not tell my baby daddy.

Well you should have considered this before moving away and having a child.

You are one in 3 involved and impacted here

No one is dieing it's good that you are caught in a bind. They're saying that the jaw doesn't allow you to take that decision autonomously, so your situation is legally complicated and you need legal advice.

That's not the same thing as saying your mental health is not important just stay put.

It doesn’t matter whether you’re BU or not, your ability to move will be dictated by what you can and can’t legally do, without it being considered as abduction. Does your baby have dual citizenship?

So you all suggesting my mental health issues decline and permanently be punished for moving away from my home /family? He wont even give me consent to go back home and visit my family with baby for a couple of weeks.

No one is saying your mental health isn't important but there are 3 people in this situation and moving is only what's best for you. You need to consider if moving away from their father is best for your child or being in a different country from his child is best for their father and unfortunately the answer is no it probably isn't best for them.

Unfortunately I can also see his reluctance to allow you to take your child to America, many people would advise him not to in this situation for fear of you not returning.

Either way, one of you is going to be deeply unhappy. My personal feeling is that you should go home to your family, with your daughter, and figure out a way for her dad to stay in contact. He can have regular Facetime calls, he can get a cheap flight once or twice a year, maybe you and she can come over once a year.

The one thing you can't do is leave her with him, because manipulative men with anger issues are not good or safe parents.

It is common when there is a relationship break down between two people who have different countries of origin and children are involved to result in very difficult situations.

Ideally both people would want the best for the child and respect and consider each other. But often opposing sides become entrenched in their own position, both feel justified in three stance they take for one reason or another and then the law is the fall back position on why gets to do what.

I completely sympathise with how you feel. However this is something you should have considered before having a baby abroad. There are 3 people in this situation and the most important is your child.

What’s your visa situation and residence status? You may not be allowed to stay here.

It's not about you being punished. It's simply the law when you choose to have a DC in another country and you must have been aware of this when you did it. It's just the same if you'd had it in the US and your DP wanted to move back here with the baby. It's a tough situation and the partner who moved is usually the one who has to suck it up if the couple can't come to an amicable set-up.

Oh for context, when I was pregnant he did give me his word that we would eventually move to America as he has always wanted to live there. He changed his mind since our baby was born. Everyone is allowed to change their mind i get that, but yes I should have thought about it before having a child here. 3 are to consider. Mum usually suffers as it's her job to make sure her child is happy and the dad is rested and fed.

I'm sorry Op. This sounds very difficult. You now have three people, with three best interests - yours is to go to US, partners is to stay UK and baby's is to have nurturing relationship with both parents. Ultimately, the baby's needs have to take priority and as adults you and your ex-partner will have to work out how this can happen, even if you are disappointed

My visa ends in 2 years

No. We are suggesting you can't just leave the country with the baby just like that. It isn't that simple unfortunately.

The baby and it’s relationship with both its parents should be the priority for both of you.

Can you try separating, living independently and co-parenting in the Uk? Are you eligible to work, obtain support in the uk (child benefit, working tax credits, nursery hours etc)

surely that should be your first step and not separating the child from its father to another country thousands of miles away.

He wont even give me consent to go back home and visit my family with baby for a couple of weeks.

He's probably worried you won't come back, which you might well not do. He's proven that a person's word cannot be trusted in these situations.

was your baby born here?

As tbh might work out that you will need to move back without little one

This is really tough. I have sympathy for you wanting to return home, but the default will be to consider that the Uk is the child’s home and that they should remain here. And your child does deserve a relationship with both parents.

It’s not quite as simple as “you’re stuffed” though, courts do allow this regularly although it’s probably less than 50:50 which cases get permission. Assuming he also has PR you will need a court order and they will consider all aspects, including the current care arrangements, support network and family for the child in both countries, both parents’ mental health and financial needs, and your ability and willingness to maintain a relationship between the child and their father.

So if you really want to do this you’ll need to talk to a solicitor and gather as much evidence as possible. Why do you need to return, what is your job situation there and here? Do you have a good job offer in the US that you can’t do in the UK? How much care does he provide for the child, does he see them regularly or not? Document any missed visits etc. You mention he has uncontrolled mental health issues. Any proof of that? Document any threats especially suicide etc. And really think about how you will maintain the relationship. FaceTime etc of course, but you’ll also need to be able and willing to bring the child to visit regularly. Can you afford that? Can he? It will take time and be expensive, but you have way more chance before they also get settled in the uk school system. Good luck.

Sadly you didn’t think it through, so now need to turn to legal services.

We looked into what would happen if our relationship broke down as I live in my husbands home country. Rightly we would need the others permission to take any of the children out of the country, and rightly if the relationship did end this would be considered their home. So if it ended up in court it is extemely likely the children would be ordered to stay here, meaning if I wished to leave I would be the one becoming a non-res parent in another country.