To not want to go for a meal

[HateConflict22]

...and day out with childless sister and partner who I've only just met.

To cut a long story short, me and my sister were estranged for 6 years. During this time she made absolutely no contact with my children, no cards, nothing. My dm felt this was taken out on my dcs, and repeatedly asked my sister to make contact, as she was missing out on seeing them grow. If it was my nieces/nephews I wouldn't do that, but me and my sister are very different people. We went no contact when my oldest child was 2, and my youngest who is now 4 she has never met until now.

A close relative passed away. This brought us back together. She apologised for the awful things she had said at the time, and we got back in touch. Since then we have had them around twice at our home, during the visits they were very awkward with my dcs, and didn't really know what to say to them. I had never met her partner of 4 years until now as well. One of my dc's is on the spectrum, and already gets quite overwhelmed to begin with.

During the second visit of meeting my dc she sort of put me on the spot. She tried to arrange a meal with me, my family, her and partner, and my dm for Mother's day. I said I wouldn't want to do that, as like to spend my mother's day basically being a bit lazy. She reluctantly said okay after abit "I thought it would be nice as you are a mother etc etc." I thought yes, I have been Mother for 6 years, and haven't suggested anything like that before apart from the very first one thay didn't go well. It would be no fun at all for me navigating overwhelmed children etc.

Then a day out and meal was suggested, quiet bookshop etc. This wouldn't suit my dcs at all, and tbh would be far too overwhelming for dc1.

Me and dh both feel this was all far too soon given the situation. We haven't even been over to where they live yet. They can't have dcs, and it feels very much that my sister is trying to fill a 6 year gap in a matter of weeks.

They have a very extravagant lifestyle, no experience with children which is fine. Bit my sister has already asked numerous questions relating to things she hates about her childhood, and were we doing those things with ours. For example "I hate ipads," "children should be visiting museums/national trust/arty places every weekend, I never ate out as a child or had friends over, went to extra curriculum activities, do yours do that."

We feel very much that our parenting is under a spotlight, and that they are moving at far too fast a pace.

What is your view on this?

I would just explain that this wouldn't work for your children and that there's no relationship yet. You could suggest a meet-up between you and your sister; just the two of you. If she's that keen to made amends then she'd jump at it.

If that happens and it goes well, you can see how you feel later on but no, your sister can't just assume a prime position in your family that she doesn't have, and that was of her own choosing and doing.

I would start small rather than having the whole family there. Build up relationships slowly, especially for your DC.

Could you see her without your DC, meet for a coffee or quick lunch perhaps?

It's too much in one go, and with a meal you are stuck at a tab;e facing each other. Better to be somewhere where you can move about and look at other things.

You need to build your relationship with her first, not with kids and all there. It's too much too soon for all of you.

Thanks for your comments. My dcs also met my sister, and her partner for the first time together. I had suggested at the time to my sister that I thought it would be better if my dcs met her first on her own, before her partner. She said she wouldn't be comfortable with this, and wanted to come over with her partner. It almost made me feel like I was being unreasonable about her partner (who I had only met in the hospital acouple of times). I felt my dcs being comfortable was the most important thing. I regret allowing it to happen, but I was grieving.

Me and my sister have talked on the phone. It worried me that already she is trying to dictate plans, that involve my dcs to suit her.

It is almost like my sister is trying to have this picture perfect Disney readymade family, and hasn't got a clue about parenting.

Arrange to go out with just her, to a museum or arty place as she has mentioned. You can have a wander around, look at the exhibits and have a bite to eat in the cafe.

Start small, take the opportunity to explain what scenarios you kids would or wouldn't enjoy and take it from there. If she really wants to get to know your children, then it needs to be a child orientated activity, like a farm, zoo or whatever they enjoy. Not a meal sat round a table with strangers.

I think you’re being a bit over sensitive. It’s just a meal out after all and your DM is the one who told her she’s missing out on the children. So she’s making an effort with your children as well as you.
Ignore any comments about parenting, people love to have an opinion.
if you’re not comfortable with a meal then simply say “I think we should start small and I’m not sure the kids will sit through a meal very well.. can you and I meet for a lunch with DM instead?”

Give her a break . She’s trying to be nice and obviously thinks she’s doing the right thing . Yeah she doesn’t get the difficulty of taking children out but there’s no need to be so arsey about it .

you obviously don’t want to stay in contact with her

Thank you, they didn't really seem interested with my dcs, when they were visiting us. My sister's partner didn't speak at all to them, and awkward faint laughed.
My sister seems like she couldn't really be bothered to play with them. My dcs tried to role play with my sister, and she wasn't very interested. It became almost like my dcs were just there in the background.

Sounds like you just have to be very strict with your boundaries with your DS. say no to whatever you’re not comfortable with and take things slowly in relation to contact. 6 years is a long time of not contact to be seeing each other a lot so soon.

Just get comfortable with saying no. Ignore her comments about the kids and iPad and I’d simply not respond or say something like “We do what work for us” then change the topic. She sounds like a bit of a wind up. Maybe just have very limited contact. Is there any value in seeing her more?

Did you really not have friends over, or go out for dinner when you were children?

@PonyPatter44 I did which is the strange thing. I don't know why ds didn't. Alot of the hangups on the childhood she has I don't have. She has a lot higher standards and expectations than I do. My parents always passed it off as "she has no tact, doesn't mean it etc."

@Bubblybooboo thank you. I have given ds another chance, and I'm trying for the sake of my dcs, and my dm who doesn't like us not speaking. I am trying to not offend ds while also staying true to myself, and safeguarding my dcs. I don't want relatives in and out of their lives.

I also agree with saying no. I said no to mothers day, and now will to the day out/bookshop/food, with it being far too much too soon. Ds is used to most ppl doing what she wants, so I'm not sure how this will go.

Just leave DCs with your DH and go to the day/meal out. You need to rebuild the relationship with your sister; leave the DC out of it until that’s done.

So your parents enable her negative comments to you? She’s allowed to “get away “ with saying passive aggressive sly comments?

Given that you sister is borderline rude about your parents and largely ignores your children. I wonder what value having her in their life will bring for your Dcs? Not a lot I’d imagine. Or is it that you have an idealised view of what it could be like if they have an aunt they had a lovely relationship with? Is it likely she will be a positive person in DCs lives or will she start making sly comments about them, and will everyone be expected to accept that too?

Sounds like your sister might feel uncomfortable around you and is using her partner and family for social support.

Have you considered that yourself and your sister clash because your both ND and have conflicting needs/struggle with rigidity of thought?

@Bubblybooboo very much so, it was always "oh that's just the way she is." I have always been reprimanded for anything, she has gotten away with everything pretty much. Even with no contact it was always me that was made to feel in the wrong. Dh thinks my parents, and I walked on eggshells around her, for fear of her reactions.

I am hoping ds has mellowed abit in 6 years, being happy with her partner etc.

@Wstpi we are both NT.

Oh but admittedly stubborn!

This.

You sound hard work and like you think you’re superior because you have kids.