To not want to go for a meal

[HateConflict22]

...and day out with childless sister and partner who I've only just met.

To cut a long story short, me and my sister were estranged for 6 years. During this time she made absolutely no contact with my children, no cards, nothing. My dm felt this was taken out on my dcs, and repeatedly asked my sister to make contact, as she was missing out on seeing them grow. If it was my nieces/nephews I wouldn't do that, but me and my sister are very different people. We went no contact when my oldest child was 2, and my youngest who is now 4 she has never met until now.

A close relative passed away. This brought us back together. She apologised for the awful things she had said at the time, and we got back in touch. Since then we have had them around twice at our home, during the visits they were very awkward with my dcs, and didn't really know what to say to them. I had never met her partner of 4 years until now as well. One of my dc's is on the spectrum, and already gets quite overwhelmed to begin with.

During the second visit of meeting my dc she sort of put me on the spot. She tried to arrange a meal with me, my family, her and partner, and my dm for Mother's day. I said I wouldn't want to do that, as like to spend my mother's day basically being a bit lazy. She reluctantly said okay after abit "I thought it would be nice as you are a mother etc etc." I thought yes, I have been Mother for 6 years, and haven't suggested anything like that before apart from the very first one thay didn't go well. It would be no fun at all for me navigating overwhelmed children etc.

Then a day out and meal was suggested, quiet bookshop etc. This wouldn't suit my dcs at all, and tbh would be far too overwhelming for dc1.

Me and dh both feel this was all far too soon given the situation. We haven't even been over to where they live yet. They can't have dcs, and it feels very much that my sister is trying to fill a 6 year gap in a matter of weeks.

They have a very extravagant lifestyle, no experience with children which is fine. Bit my sister has already asked numerous questions relating to things she hates about her childhood, and were we doing those things with ours. For example "I hate ipads," "children should be visiting museums/national trust/arty places every weekend, I never ate out as a child or had friends over, went to extra curriculum activities, do yours do that."

We feel very much that our parenting is under a spotlight, and that they are moving at far too fast a pace.

What is your view on this?

You sound like you are still very angry at her for going no-contact. It sounds like she was trying to arrange something she thought would be nice for you all to do together and you rejected her outright- did you offer any alternatives?

It sounds like she is trying to make an effort so maybe decide if you want a relationship with her and next time meet her on her own without your kids. You don't have to have a relationship with her just because of your mum - its none if your Mums business.

It sounds like she is making an effort and you want to keep hold of all the old grudges and issues rather than trying to move on afresh - it would be much simpler to just stay low contact . Suggesting you all have a meal out on Mother’s day is a lovely idea and rather than moaning about her plans why didn’t you just say which restaurants are best suited for your kids . I don’t understand why it is an issue that your children met her and her partner together do they never meet new people ? Re the doesn’t like kids with electronics etc that is easy you just say ‘ well it wouldn’t do for us all to be the same ‘ . It just seems to me that you are trying to create a drama where none exists

To me it seems you haven't resolved your issues at all. Why did she go NC, why did you fall out? It all seems very forced, you don't actually want her in your life and she's not making any concessions either.

I wouldn't know how to interact with a 4 year old or be too fond of playing games either, you're very hung up on that.

My sister and I had an estrangement too, she he reached out to meet up. We did, and it was awkward. She wanted to meet up often on her terms too. My husband and told me to look at my boundaries and what I wanted, and to stick to that. I ended up explaining that I was very busy with work, friends and family. She had lots of parenting advice for me too! Which was weird because she didn't have any yet?! When she did have some, she did all the things she frowned upon e.g. left them with i pads etc. I ended up rarely seeing her to another estrangement. I remembered there was a good reason I stopped seeing her.

I think you’re being a bit awkward to punish for for the NC over 6 years.

But it’s really hard to be NC with a sister and still have contact with her children. You are the gatekeeper to her nieces and nephews, she can’t compete with that.

It does sound like you’re annoyed there were no presents for 6 years even though they live ‘extravagant’ lives.

@carelesser that is very out of context. Nowhere did I say that, I'm surprised that is the impression you have gotten You don't know me and I supposed you've been reading between the lines on a thread. IRL everyone who knows me is aware I couldn't care a less about gifts, nowhere have a mentioned them. I love cards, I actually tell everyone to just give a card for us all. They mean so much more to me. I am the kind of person that would have to buy back the same amount and get embarrassed receiving too large of a gift. I wouldn't want my dcs receiving "extravagant" things either.
When I said about the contact, ds has had plenty of opportunities. One of them was when my second child was born, which I mentioned in this thread. There was nothing stopping her from apologising after we fell out. Her pride came before the DCs. My dm would say, "You know what x is like, she won't admit when she is wrong." I had too much risk to my own health, and at the time felt we would never speak again, I was too hurt.

I don't want to go into details, but the issue was the nasty comments she made at a time when I was very ill. I needed to ensure she brought no more drama into my life. She has apologised now 6 yrs later which is great, and hopefully a sign she has changed.

*'Beautiful3 · Today 20:31

My sister and I had an estrangement too, she he reached out to meet up. We did, and it was awkward. She wanted to meet up often on her terms too. My husband and told me to look at my boundaries and what I wanted, and to stick to that. I ended up explaining that I was very busy with work, friends and family. She had lots of parenting advice for me too! Which was weird because she didn't have any yet?! When she did have some, she did all the things she frowned upon e.g. left them with i pads etc. I ended up rarely seeing her to another estrangement. I remembered there was a good reason I stopped seeing her.'

@Beautiful3 thank you for sharing. That is definately my concern. It seems like a very similar situation. Yes, I definately think alot of people have "hyperthetical" children who they parent perfectly in their head. When reality strikes it all goes out of the window. I am guilty of it myself. The only difference is I never made any comments, or gave any unsolicited advice to parents, or none parents, in any area of their life.
I do worry we will end in another estrangement, but hope it doesn't go that way. I have taken a chance by letting her back into my dc's lives, and don't want people appearing and disappearing from it. I'll try my best to make it work, but will set boundaries (which ds isn't used to) and will safeguard mine & my families mental health above anything else.

I feel you might be a bit jealous, I don't understand why you made the extravagant lifestyle comment. If you want a relationship you actually need to put in some effort

You know your sister better than I do, obviously, but I do think that people act out of guilty consciences.
Could she be pushing to get together because she’s trying to make up for regrets or lost time?
Maybe if you explained to her the practicalities of iPads and your forms of parenting, she’d better grasp your situation.
It’s very hard for a non-parent to understand the parenting grind sometimes.
I remember not approving of my own sister’s approach, but now that my niece is grown she’s an absolutely lovely woman.
It’s early yet and I’m sure your sister is anxious - she might not even realise it.
But as I said, you know her best.

Sounds like odd mixed messages to me. Your sister sounds like she doesn't actually like children and is trying to hide it, or overcompensating, and not doing a very good job of it. I say this as a childfree woman who also doesn't like being around children (but doesn't have the issue of worrying about offending their parents).

The whole "missing out" thing only applies if someone actually likes and wants to be around nieces and nephews. Your mother's the one pushing this line and I suspect your sister's just going along with it because she's been told how special it is.

@Tatonka · Yesterday 22:35

I feel you might be a bit jealous, I don't understand why you made the extravagant lifestyle comment. If you want a relationship you actually need to put in some effort

That's fair enough, I can see why you would think that. My comment is definitely ambiguous. I was just trying to say (obvious epic fail in that) that they are used to a certain lifestyle. This is very different from ours. This causes us to not have a lot in common in how we live, different expectations of people.
For instance they suggest expensive restaurants when we cannot take children there, or justify the cost. Even without children we are very different people. Before dcs (same level of income) I like a beer and a burger, ds enjoys a 3 cause meal in a posh restaurant, and will complain if they don't have a specific ingredient, quiz staff if a detail isn't the the way she would like etc. This is what I was meaning. As I get older I have realised it works two ways, and I cannot walk on eggshells and constantly try to appease her needs, while I ignore my own.

You need to build a relationship first and she needs to understand that. She wants to do stuff as if you’re both completely at ease (and spend hours doing it) but it’s forced.