WIBU not to go to MIL's bday gathering?

[OddSockChaser]

MIL's birthday is on Easter weekend. She's just invited us to her house with DHs siblings and their families to celebrate. It's a lovely idea.

But my adult DC can't come as he has an event the night before and will be sleeping in a different town, it's a 5-hour drive to MIL's and we wouldn't be able to get us all there in time.

We could go without him, but I don't want to spend Easter without him and lose family time with my own family unit.

Her birthday and the following day are the only time over the Easter holidays that me, DH, our adult and teen DC are all free at the same time to have family time and we'd planned a big roast, family games etc, which we would have given up to go to her birthday if we could all go together.

WIBU to suggest that a smaller number of us go down the following weekend?

I'm in a similar position to your MiL with a birthday meal over Easter ,I'd be gutted if my son and his family couldn't come because one member had previous commitments. Is he going to be away all weekend, from Thursday to Monday or could he pop down another day?

But the grandma is DH’s immediate family.

That's kind of my point! DH would choose anything over gathering with his family 😆

So you expect everyone to put their lives on hold for one member of the family?

I know someone who became a grandparent at 45. He could easily live another 40 years - are the poor kids not allowed to do anything until they’re 40?

@jannier if the rest of the family live local to OP then it could make more sense if MIL/FIL travel to them

Generally people say it's good manners to honour your previous commitments, yet here the DS is being expected to scrap something organised since November- we don't know what it is, but young people are not renowned for their forward planning so we can assume it is important to him - in order to see his granny who he could presumably visit on a different weekend.

Could you book her an airbnb near you as a birthday treat and host the family at your house one of those days? Maybe the night your adult DC is busy.

Irrelevant if she's never held regular family-wide celebrations and only set up this particular shindig at the very last minute.

I think option 2 sounds sensible. Bugger doing 5 hour drive on bank holidays! It always ends up longer with extra traffic and accidents.

Suit yourself and your own family and just tell her you can visit the following weekend as just cannot make that weekend. Do not stress over it as everyone else seems to suit themselves.

You already have plans, go another weekend.

Well done op you found a solution AND had DH be the decider as it’s his mum. I would not expect my child of any age to change their advanced planned event. I would not think traveling 10hrs round trip is a small thing to execute on a holiday. Other siblings and their families will be present to celebrate. DMIL is not alone. Send a card or flowers ahead of date to recognize her milestone. Call on the day or FaceTime. We use this more and more even having device at table or gift opening or for a toast. Someone there will set it up for MIL. Visit a few days or week later hear all about it something to talk about. YANBU. Enjoy Easter and having your children together. In my experience plans always!overlap. One weekend nothing next weekend 3 things.

I'm so surprised by the votes, a FIVE Hour drive?! You can of course say 'sorry its just to far at the moment'.

I find this such a weird attitude. It’s not a cousin the OP’s husband hasn’t seen in decades - it’s his mother. How is your mother not immediate family? She’s also the OP’s children’s grandmother. OP is actually the only in-law in the scenario!

I agree with previous posters that there’s an element of MIL-bashing here (although not really from the OP herself). If the post had been “My husband won’t come to my mother’s birthday celebration because there’s the possibility we could see our adult son the day afterwards”, the replies would all have been about how selfish he was.

I agree @StockpotSoup

If MIL and FIL didn't come to yours or DHs birthday so they could stay home and have a roast, I'm sure you'd be annoyed.

@xyz111 when parents live so far away I’m sure they don’t always see adult DC on their birthdays. Can’t remember the last time DH has seen either of his parents on his birthday (they live about 5 hours away). We certainly don’t have any expectation of them coming to us for his birthday and certainly not for mine.

As it's a major birthday an she's given over 5 weeks notice, I'd have gone with the larger family celebration. However, if MIL is happy with DH's choice, fair enough.