WIBU not to go to MIL's bday gathering?

[OddSockChaser]

MIL's birthday is on Easter weekend. She's just invited us to her house with DHs siblings and their families to celebrate. It's a lovely idea.

But my adult DC can't come as he has an event the night before and will be sleeping in a different town, it's a 5-hour drive to MIL's and we wouldn't be able to get us all there in time.

We could go without him, but I don't want to spend Easter without him and lose family time with my own family unit.

Her birthday and the following day are the only time over the Easter holidays that me, DH, our adult and teen DC are all free at the same time to have family time and we'd planned a big roast, family games etc, which we would have given up to go to her birthday if we could all go together.

WIBU to suggest that a smaller number of us go down the following weekend?

Then he’s not quite willing to prioritise you is he?

wjy can’t he just make his way to his grandmothers?

How old is mil? If she’s in her 80s then go and celebrate with her.

My lovely MIL died suddenly recently and I’d have felt terrible if we had done this on her last birthday …. Although I do realise we can’t live like that constantly. It’s tricky.

It's not just for a birthday though. It's to visit family. When family live 5 hours away if you want to see them you have to sometimes travel to see them.

Very close... Except granny because fuck her and her birthday huh?

I think it would be nice to go.You are all going to be together for other weekends surely ? Just you and DH go ,Your son will be back again for the roast and games!

Can the adult child not make his way direct from his event and sleeping after, do they drive and have own car? Or maybe getting a train to somewhere near his grans and be picked up from there. If you all have 4 days off, there must be a day you can still have family time. If not can you all have family time one of the may bank holiday weekends instead, they will be along soon after.

Mil for the birthday definitely. Family roast can be another day.

But the grandma is DH’s immediate family.

Birthdays trump Easter. I'm sure your son won't care.

Go and celebrate!

Elderly relatives birthday trumps Easter as far as I am concerned.

Unless you’re a practising Christian (which I’m guessing you’d have mentioned), Easter isn’t that big a deal.

Thanks for the input everyone, was great to get views from all sides, and suggestions, and it helped me work through my feelings on it and conclude that I was conflicted and wanted to do both! I love his family and the gatherings are fun. Missing her do would make me sad and missing my adult DC would also make me sad.

I put two suggestions to DH just now:

1. Go up without adult DC, stay two nights, drive back and have the roast a day late as DC would be hungover anyway, no big deal, only downside was a shorter trip in that part of the country to get back to see DC, and spending two Easter bank holiday days doing 5-hour drives.
2. Go up the following week to see MIL, then drive to see SIL, missing the do but seeing family on different days and also seeing DC.

After your various posts influenced me I was favouring option 1, but he chose option 2.

He's told MIL and SIL and they're both very happy to be seeing him over the Easter holidays and are not bothered about it all being on her birthday itself.

For the last 20 years she's only invited us down for the big birthdays, never the other ones.

When have you ever heard of a 21-year-old prioritising his parents over his friends?! 😂

I don't suppose they are planning to attend church but come on, you must know that it's a time when most people aren't at work, uni or school so obviously prime family get together weekend

Anyway I see it's been resolved now, sounds like the MIL is a sensible elderly person

I think you should make the effort to go for MILs birthday meal. You can have your roast on a different weekend. Don't forget - it is likely that at some point in the future you will be the MIL. Do as you would be done by.

Book a night or 2 in a hotel and all be together after MILs.

This. My cousins were the exact same, their own social lives always ahead of my poor gran. I always said you will have plenty of time for fun and events once she is gone. And now she is.

@Flyeeeeer if I ever become a gran I would want my grandchildren to enjoy life and go to events rather than putting their social life on hold until I died

Surely mils birthday wasn't a surprise why would a trip to see her not already be on the cards? Easter is 4 days a few hours meeting all you DHS family must be nice for him unless his siblings don't get on.
How will you feel when your sons partner says no to your birthday get together because their family unit doesn't include you?
Only on mn does family only mean me and my children

I was beginning to think I was the only one who thinks this.

What with the rest of dhs siblings,partners and family gf spring? It's a big family reunion not adult child deciding to come home for a weekend out of the 2 weeks he's been off.

I see it is decided, but I think YABU.
Once dc become adults, with their own social lives, you have to accept that it gets less and less possible to get everyone together at the same time.
If it matters to your adult dc, he will get himself there.
If not, there'll be another time.

Absolutely….
Strange given many of us will be a mil.
Strange given many of us are the same person - MiL and DM

Let's hope the MiL haters are all mothers of daughters… ( gazes into the future for those that are mothers with sons) .

@jannier i guess it depends who is more local. Is everyone traipsing 5 hours to MIL?

Why would that matter? Are you suggesting op hosts and everyone travels to them? It's family you travel.