WIBU not to go to MIL's bday gathering?

[OddSockChaser]

MIL's birthday is on Easter weekend. She's just invited us to her house with DHs siblings and their families to celebrate. It's a lovely idea.

But my adult DC can't come as he has an event the night before and will be sleeping in a different town, it's a 5-hour drive to MIL's and we wouldn't be able to get us all there in time.

We could go without him, but I don't want to spend Easter without him and lose family time with my own family unit.

Her birthday and the following day are the only time over the Easter holidays that me, DH, our adult and teen DC are all free at the same time to have family time and we'd planned a big roast, family games etc, which we would have given up to go to her birthday if we could all go together.

WIBU to suggest that a smaller number of us go down the following weekend?

Sounds like a good weekend with siblings, cousins etc. i'd go with that. A family roast and games could be any weekend.

How often does uni student come home?

Is the uni student home for Easter? Could you do the meal with them on another day? Does it have to be Easter weekend?

Agreed completely

I'm torn because I hardly see my adult DC, DH and I work long hours in quite gruelling full-time jobs and are both fed up, and we were looking forward to spending Easter with our children.

I think there are two elements to this sentence that suggest you shouldn't go. One, that you and DH are both knackered and in a later post you say it's a five hour drive to MIL's. Two, that you say you and DH (not just you) were looking forward to your family Easter to have time to chill, even if he won't actually say no to his mum because he's a people pleaser.

This isn't entirely about you wanting time with DS, there are other considerations. So unless this is a BIG birthday I would say it's OK to stay at home.

You should go. Get the adult DC to meet you there - I am sure it cannot be THAT difficult.

Sounds like at least 1 of your DC is not going to be with you for much of the weekend anyway due to their pre booked event? I think her birthday trumps your job dissatisfaction, but I like my MIL so tend to be an outlier on MN.

Sounds like your adult DC would have been travelling to you later in the day anyway, so just go to her birthday and they can travel over whenever they were planning on. You spend a day with the family and have the next day home together. It’s her birthday. If it were your mother, you’d do it I guess? But it’s MiL, so who cares right?

I think YABU. Your mother in law only has one birthday a year, as you and DH are old enough to have adult children then MiL won't have so many birthdays to celebrate and if she has managed to get the rest of the wider family to agree to attend then I think it's a poor show for your side of the family not to attend. If your DC won't change his plans then I think the rest of your family should go without him and arrange another weekend for your immediate family.. I also suspect that the son will be used as the excuse for not going not your own unwillingness. I also suspect your DC will be so knackered after his event that he won't really participate in a jolly family get together anyway.

Why wouldn't they be? Both of my adult sons would be excited about a big family roast and games, they're normal people with good social lives

Who knows, that's why I'm asking!

And your MILs birthday has been on the same date for how long exactly?

Her birthday and the following day are the only time over the Easter holidays that me, DH, our adult and teen DC are all free at the same time to have family time and we'd planned a big roast, family games etc, which we would have given up to go to her birthday if we could all go together

So surely the solution is to go to your MILs birthday meal without your DS, who would likely be nursing a hangover anyway so could well be happy to spend the day in bed, then have your family ‘roast’ at home the following day?

I'd be slightly more sympathetic to your plight if Easter was a fixed date and MiL birthday always coincided with the Bank Holiday weekend. But that is not the case. Easter will not fall on MiL birthday next year so your family can easily get together next year without any problem.

It's all very well PP's saying you should just spend time with your immediate family, but that it was MIL is trying to do. She wants to see her son - her immediate family, on her birthday. Plus, surely if you're exhausted, it will take some pressure off having to shop and cook for Easter. You can all pitch in at MIL's, but overall should be less work. We've had a health scare in our extended family and it's really made us realise that we may not have that many big family get togethers with grandparents left. You have years ahead to have a roast and games. Be there for your MIL this time.

Your DH is your MILs immediate family. I think you should go as her birthday is only once a year. A family roast and games afternoon can be on one of the other weekends.

How old is MIL? I assume they can’t come to you.

But this isn't a post to gather decent answers

It's designed to bring out the MIL haters. There's an agenda

In these circumstances, I would suggest dh attend mil's birthday on his own or with teen dc.

There's no way I would travel 5 hours for a birthday.

Is it a big birthday?

If your DC is an adult, surely he can travel separately the next day? I actually think you're being a tiny bit unreasonable although I see your dilemma.

Are you really saying that no one should arrange anything on a family member’s birthday? That’s a bit restricting!

Why should he???

Why can't your adult child make his own way to his grandmother's from the other town, see his GM and travel back with you

This.