To think DS might be dangerously obsessed with studying?

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I am getting a little worried about this and wonder if I should do something about it and if so, what?

He is in Y12 doing 3 essay-based subjects and got excellent results last year for his GCSEs. He's always been very academically able but also very driven, competitive and hardworking. He has decided he wants to apply to Oxbridge and, imo, is becoming over-invested in this. He goes to a decent but unremarkable comp which sends 1 or 2 students each year and he's being egged on by teachers saying things like, 'If anyone will get in you will,' and 'you're the best candidate we've had for years.' I know they mean well, but I wish this would stop.

He has decided he needs to do 40 hours additional study each week on top of his taught lessons, and is aiming for that, which I think is far too much. He stays at school until 5ish then walks home and is on the sofa with an app on his phone that times him, making notes/writing essays/reading pretty much all evening. He is in the room with me and does seem to be able to multi-task and talk to me quite a bit (he's always been chatty) and takes lots of mini-breaks to listen to a song or talk etc. I go to bed at 10ish and he goes up at about 11.30, often waking me up talking aloud to himself about one of his topics. I feel he's getting himself hyped up and not winding down before bed, but he does seem to sleep ok and is up at 7ish (including weekends) and seems fine in the mornings.

He has a large group of friends - no particular close friend - and sees them at school and socially on a Friday. So last night he was out with them 6-12 but then no further social plans for the weekend, which is typical for him. When on study leave/in the summer he socialised a lot, so I do think this is partly down to the time of year. He doesn't do online socialising but is very interactive with me and, when ds2 is around, with him. We were all up by 9ish and been chatting/listening to music, but now he's got the laptop out and will be on it for most of the day.

What has prompted me to post is that he plays cricket for our local team and has done since being about 6. It can be a source of frustration to him with not batting/bowling much, but he does love being part of the team and usually gets the 'captain's award' at the end of the season for his great attitude/commitment/team-playing etc. But it's long days, sometimes both days of the weekend, with him feeling, I know, a bit disappointed with how it goes a lot of the time. Before anyone says it, he's well aware that fielding is crucial and he does a great job at that. I'm a lp with a stressful full-time job and I know nothing about cricket, so I haven't been able to support him in this, which makes me feel guilty. He has just told me that he doesn't want to do it this year and doesn't intend to play at all. He says it's because he doesn't have time, and I admit it is a hugely time-consuming sport and would eat into his study time, but part of me thinks this would be a good thing. Then I think, would it, if he's not even completely enjoying the cricket?

He doesn't have other hobbies as such, though he has loads of interests and, as I've said, isn't shut in his room all the time, but is indoors on his laptop. I don't really know what I'm asking - obviously I can't make him do cricket and I also can't really control how much he studies, but does it sound like I should worry?I'd love to hear others' perspectives.

God, I'm sorry it's so ridiculously long 🙄.

I think it's brilliant how single minded he is. If he gets to Oxford or Cambridge he can then enjoy himself and embrace all the lovely social aspects that Uni life brings. A-Levels are the hard bit. I don't think anything you say is going to change his mindset so just be there to support him and if you can get him to relax and kick back a bit then all good.

Jesus, I wish my girls could be more like this.

Sounds a lot like my DD2 when she was at school. She socialised selectively and didn't have any particular hobby. Her studies took up a huge amount of her time and she seemed to thrive on working hard and getting good marks. She is now post uni where she worked her butt off and got a First whilst also socialising a lot because she had really learned how to work independently and how much work she needed to do.

I wouldn't worry about your DS at all. He will work out the balance eventually. If he wants to ditch cricket then let him. He needs to be able to make his own choices around his leisure time.

Would the cricket help his application?

Great that he is so committed! What are you worried about? Is he sleeping enough and eating well?

Unis don't tend to care much about hobbies.

Yeah I would definitely be worried that he'll burn himself out. I knew a couple of high achievers when I was younger who both had breakdowns in the first year of uni and had to leave. BUT, I'm also guessing that most of the world's most successful people also had this level of commitment. It's a gamble really.

But as the parent you could do some enforced relax time, eg. book a weekend away or phone-free day out.

He is still eating / sleeping normally and spending time with friends - sounds pretty balanced! If his mental health is not suffering / he is not getting ill or over-tired, then I would support him - yes, the cricket is a shame, but there are times in life where to achieve a goal some things have to be prioritised - it seems as though that is what he is doing here...

As a teacher who regularly sends many pupils (state school) to oxbridge, that’s too much

Could have a word with his teachers - they might have recommended timings they give students. We generally say 4ish hours independent study per subject including their study periods in school. Is he using those to socialise perhaps?

gently encourage the idea that cricket is a valuable extra curricular activity and every university likes to see variety. Oxbridge has IME become more mental health aware and encouraging of hobbies so students bring something more than just academics, and something like that is also exercise so good for MH.

he does need the a*s, no getting around it. But if he has to work this hard to get them he may not - gently meant - be able to keep up when he gets there. If it’s nerves, then perhaps approach burnout conversations. In y12, is this really sustainable for another year and a bit?

the other thing that strikes me, which is really common, is lack of efficiency. He can’t multi task, not with the kind of deep work that genuine a level study requires. He needs to focus and will be able to get better results in shorter time. Cal Newport has great accessible writing on this

Perhaps he could also reframe some of his time - wider reading study groups where they watch films or documentaries about the subject in general, for example? One class I have had a regular Wednesday evening film session where they watch adaptations of novels.

ultimately, if he seems fine and studying makes him happy (I find rest in study!) then it’s fine but it’s also good to address his reasons and if they’re coming from anxiety or fear then there are some options above. Y12-13 is a stressful time!!

keep an eye on him. My son was similar and got very stressed about his work and exams. The school kept pushing him too. He did do very well in his exams but it took a toll on his health, he stopped sleeping and had to see the doctor for stress. He's fine now, but it was very upsetting at the time.

Does he enjoy it? That's the main thing.

Assuming he gets some free study periods at school that's about 60hrs a week studying. It's a lot but I can imagine in the type of job he's aiming for that would be something he would be doing in the early years of his career.

Does he seem happy and relaxed or does he seem stressed? What you seem to be depicting is a boy who enjoys what he is studying rather than one who studies a lot because they are overwhelmed by the workload.

One thing that students need to make sure they incorporate into their routines is physical activity as this is important for physical and mental health so I think if he is ditching the cricket, you should encourage him to take up a different physical activity that is perhaps less time consuming to replace it.

Thanks all for getting through all that and responding!

Burnout is my main worry tbh because it does seem unsustainable. The thing is he does seem, for the most part, to genuinely enjoy what he is doing, and find it interesting. So he isn't really hunched over books struggling to understand concepts - he's reading ahead or around etc. I don't honestly think he's doing this level of work because he needs to to keep up, I think he's doing it because he wants to. I dreaded his GCSEs as I thought he'd go completely overboard during the exams but he didn't because he felt well-prepared. By the time the exams started, he wasn't doing as much as some others because, in his word, 'I know the content and I've done all the past papers, so there's not much I can do now.'

I might as well say at this point, I'm a teacher and feel embarrassed to be posting this in a way but when it's your own child, you don't feel you have all the answers. I teach one of the A levels he's doing and we say one independent hour for each taught hour, but I also know the first essay he wrote was better than some I've read from Y13s right at the end who then got As.

My personal view I'd that I wouldn't be too concerned.

He sounds a bit like my ds at his age. Ds is fine. Ds even gave up cricket partly because he just didn't really get anywhere with it, he wasn't hugely talented though in his case there were also some unpleasant boys in the team. Ds took up athletics for a long time and also got a bit disappointed with his own progress. He is now doing a team sport at University and is loving it (rowing, he's at Cambridge). I have to say he was always a total gym bunny and doing weights was always relaxing for him. But he did study a lot. The workload at Oxbridge was still a bit of a shock but not too bad because he always loved his subject. Tbh while doing weights he listened to subject-related podcasts.

I did read the post but can't remember- do any of you do a team sport he could join in with? A dad of ds's best friend bought a volleyball set and they all got massively into it, used to take it to the park and be there for hours. Also table tennis, they liked that too, we have some outdoor tables in our park.

The only question i have is whether this study is really effective - that's what the mocks are designed to find out. If not, some study skills tutoring would be worth thinking about.

"If he gets to Oxford or Cambridge he can then enjoy himself and embrace all the lovely social aspects that Uni life brings. A-Levels are the hard bit."

Not in DS's experience. First year was a significantly greater volume of workload than 4 A-levels, although perhaps that was subject-specific.

OP: it's good that your DS is self-motivated. For A-levels he should be doing approximately 1 hour of independent study for each hour spent in lessons. Is it possible that someone suggested 40 hours in total (including lesson time) and he misheard?

"he's reading ahead or around etc"
This sounds like a worthwhile use of his time, especially if he is interested in the subject and enjoys it.

It sounds pretty normal I think? It’s what I did in my final year of school- as did every other girl in the boarding house. The only time we had a break was meal times and my roommates and I took an hour walk in the afternoons but it was a really intense year!

I have two (now at University) like this. For them, studying is fun. It is relaxing and absorbing. I am a bit like this but more with books. I could easily read for 40+ hours a week on top of school (I am a teacher).

Our Oxbridge pupils (and top students) at school often love their subjects so much that they can't imagine not doing them.

I'd probably want him to sleep a bit more but appreciate you can't really tell a 16/17 year old to do that. But I do recognise the interest in the subject. I wasn't necessarily that committed to spending hours over my homework but I loved to read around my subjects. I found it truly fascinating - I did English, Politics and a language - and I always wanted to read more. So I'd read other books by the set authors so I could understand and appreciate their work better. Or read books about political theory which weren't part of my A levels of course. It sounds like he has an okay balance, sleep aside though.

Single-minded, determined, motivated and with a strong work ethic?

Leave well alone, he is great!!

As for whether he's happy or stressed, I don't think he's stressed overall, but he is very intense and if he comes across a hurdle at all, like a question he doesn't quite get the wording of, or a piece of seemingly contradictory advice from a teacher, he can fly right off the handle. Doesn't happen that often, especially now he has dropped certain subjects, but it does happen and it does worry me as it's not a good response to a hurdle. I suppose it's ok if I'm there to intervene, but obviously that isn't always the case.

In terms of sport is there another form of exercise he might substitute for the cricket? If not I’d be encouraging him to keep it up as it adds an element of life balance which is so important.

I’d be worried all eggs in one basket and may struggle if he doesn’t get Oxbridge offer. It really is partly luck to be the one in a sea of outstanding candidates. I’d spend time doing to other university open days and encourage him to aim high but not fixate on Oxbridge.