To think DS might be dangerously obsessed with studying?

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I am getting a little worried about this and wonder if I should do something about it and if so, what?

He is in Y12 doing 3 essay-based subjects and got excellent results last year for his GCSEs. He's always been very academically able but also very driven, competitive and hardworking. He has decided he wants to apply to Oxbridge and, imo, is becoming over-invested in this. He goes to a decent but unremarkable comp which sends 1 or 2 students each year and he's being egged on by teachers saying things like, 'If anyone will get in you will,' and 'you're the best candidate we've had for years.' I know they mean well, but I wish this would stop.

He has decided he needs to do 40 hours additional study each week on top of his taught lessons, and is aiming for that, which I think is far too much. He stays at school until 5ish then walks home and is on the sofa with an app on his phone that times him, making notes/writing essays/reading pretty much all evening. He is in the room with me and does seem to be able to multi-task and talk to me quite a bit (he's always been chatty) and takes lots of mini-breaks to listen to a song or talk etc. I go to bed at 10ish and he goes up at about 11.30, often waking me up talking aloud to himself about one of his topics. I feel he's getting himself hyped up and not winding down before bed, but he does seem to sleep ok and is up at 7ish (including weekends) and seems fine in the mornings.

He has a large group of friends - no particular close friend - and sees them at school and socially on a Friday. So last night he was out with them 6-12 but then no further social plans for the weekend, which is typical for him. When on study leave/in the summer he socialised a lot, so I do think this is partly down to the time of year. He doesn't do online socialising but is very interactive with me and, when ds2 is around, with him. We were all up by 9ish and been chatting/listening to music, but now he's got the laptop out and will be on it for most of the day.

What has prompted me to post is that he plays cricket for our local team and has done since being about 6. It can be a source of frustration to him with not batting/bowling much, but he does love being part of the team and usually gets the 'captain's award' at the end of the season for his great attitude/commitment/team-playing etc. But it's long days, sometimes both days of the weekend, with him feeling, I know, a bit disappointed with how it goes a lot of the time. Before anyone says it, he's well aware that fielding is crucial and he does a great job at that. I'm a lp with a stressful full-time job and I know nothing about cricket, so I haven't been able to support him in this, which makes me feel guilty. He has just told me that he doesn't want to do it this year and doesn't intend to play at all. He says it's because he doesn't have time, and I admit it is a hugely time-consuming sport and would eat into his study time, but part of me thinks this would be a good thing. Then I think, would it, if he's not even completely enjoying the cricket?

He doesn't have other hobbies as such, though he has loads of interests and, as I've said, isn't shut in his room all the time, but is indoors on his laptop. I don't really know what I'm asking - obviously I can't make him do cricket and I also can't really control how much he studies, but does it sound like I should worry?I'd love to hear others' perspectives.

I teach A level and 40 extra hours is insanity. We say 5 per subject per week extra.

The students I've most worried about in my career have been the ones working excessively hard. It's unsustainable and it's risky from a mental health perspective.

I would be concerned about burn out. This seems excessive and obsessional. He needs balance in his life and especially a stress outlet for which exercise is really useful. I went to Oxford (decades ago!) and no one studied that hard in preparation ( even medics/ law//PPE ) .

40 hours a week! It's great that he is self motivated snd ambitious but where does it end? If he gets in, how much pressure will he put on himself - it's a pressure cooker already. I'm sorry to be negative. Great he loves his subjects but emotional health is as important as academic rigour (and my contemporaries at oxford often struggled with mental health

If your role was sitting-in as a JRF then you wouldn't have seen any of the applicants who'd been filtered-out before interview stage. My DH also sat in as a JRF (medicine and engineering) and believes the decision whether to invite someone to interview included a check of their extra-curricular stuff, mainly because it was felt that students with no other interests tend to be the ones who burn out. Maybe different colleges/subjects do things differently.

I can assure that for my subject, no one was interested in hobbies.

Overworking is often a trauma response.

My ds1 was similar. I insisted that he make time for his sport, not only for the fitness and social elements, but to get him into the mindset that a healthy work life balance is important.

He carried that healthy attitude into his university studies, and graduated as a vet (so pretty high achieving). Now he's working, he still makes time for his sport.

I don't think this is ok, I went to Oxbridge and so has one of my children, and whilst both of us have that study gene, and will do the odd long night, we don't do that every night and never have. One reason is that you need time and space to think creatively and have insights to be at the very top academically, although probably not for A levels, and so it doesn't work to just do more and more, but that does depend on the subject and there's some that probably are rewarded by repetition.

I would take him out just the two of you, and start a dialogue about what he wants to do, where he might do that, what's his Plan B (Plan B's are very important to the hyper-focused academic person, they need to know there's a fall back if they don't get all A stars), and just express your concerns a bit- so that you can return to the subject in the future. Also, I always tell my children to save their hardest work for the most important time- work smarter, not harder. So, that would be Year 13 and around two months before exams.

Unfortunately being very academic and getting stressed and into MH difficulties is very common, so don't panic at all but start a dialogue around it all and be prepared to be quite blunt if needs be- he probably can't keep this up for two years. Nor would he need to to get into Cambridge/Oxford if he's a clever person.

Is he happy? If so I would be very happy with him. If he's not, then yes I would say something

It's only another year, it's great he's so motivated. I would encourage one day off a week, the cricket or something else. Mine worked like a dog for the same reason, but took every Saturday for sport and socialising. Got into the college of first choice at Oxford, and fully enjoyed every second, both the studying and the extra curriculars. Hats off to your lad!

He sounds great and I think so long as hr is eating well, sleeping well and exercising then he is fine. It’s great to be ambitious. And students do need to study hard to be among the best. It doesn’t come without some effort! You must be proud of him

I burnt myself out at UCL doing this (Oxford reject). It was solely driven by a fear of failure and feelings of inadequacy.

I hope you find away to address this. But I can’t imagine what anyone could have told me at the time to change my ways.

Can you take him on a walk/treat him to a movie/museum?

I’m a little envious of your son.
I was very bright, engaged, but never had the patience to concentrate on studies or anything really, for very long.
If I’d had your son’s dedication, I could’ve gone on to do great things. Instead, I skated through uni without direction, graduated with nothing in particular in mind as to what my career should be.
And even so, I suffered from burnout.
The one single thing I could suggest is that you have a heart-to-heart talk with your son - tell him your worries and concerns and let him know that no matter what uni he attends, no matter what he achieves in life, you’ll always be so very proud of him and all his accomplishments.
My parents took it for granted that I knew that and of course I did - but it’s wonderful to hear.

I was like this at school and was perfectly happy and still, at age 46, work incredibly hard at my job and love to keep studying. I thrived off it. I would encourage it and congratulate him for being so determined and driven. Nothing wrong with it at all provided he isn't becoming overwhelmed with stress.

YANBU to be concerned he needs variety in his life for good mental health. DD is an academic over-achiever. She developed anorexia at age 19, now maybe recovering. She admitted the other day (now 22) that if she's doing well with her studies, she starts to assume she's done something wrong, things are too easy so she must have overlooked something & be getting it all wrong, gets anxious, eventually hyper-anxious.

I feel like laughing at the naivete of PP saying "I wish my kids were like that". I also have 2 underachieving adult offspring, one of which has a bare minimum attitude. I know which kid worries me most.

i wouldn’t know how to advise you to get him to cut down. My daughter was like this, she was constantly revising and never went out (I mean never). Apart from one night we went for a family meal and she was on edge all evening like she had to get back to it.
She had 2 ‘meltdowns’ where she broke down sobbing that her life was just work and she was still worried she wasn’t doing enough. She got an offer from Cambridge which only ramped up the pressure she put on herself to make sure she got the grades.
I would agree with pp that the oxbridge fixation is the main thing to be addressed. We were lucky that she got the offer and got the grades. I mean ‘lucky’ not in that she didn’t deserve it but because so many kids deserve it and they can’t take them all.
Hopefully he will give some real consideration to some alternative unis as I know how all consuming this can be and that’s the dangerous part.

My dc has a friend at sixth form all 9 gcse. She studies for hours inc Christmas Day and her birthday. I say friend she still sits with them to eat briefly at lunch but no socialising, no pt job, no sports, no volunteering, no hobbies.
She scored highly in uni test, predicted 4 x A* and still got rejected by her original oxford college. She was pooled and another picked her up but it’s definitely part luck..on another day they may have felt another candidate was a better fit.
I personally think there’s a risk wheels come off if he sets all sights at Oxbridge and isn’t chosen.