Partner makes me feel ugly

[WhyWhyY]

I am coming to terms with leaving, but sometimes I second guess myself.

AIBU, one of my children is going through a teenage phase and sometimes her emotions get the better of her. She was being spiteful one day and said
”you’re ugly even dad thinks so” and when I recounted this to my partner he just laughed. Nothing more.

A week later I came home with a new haircut and child said I looked weird (I know I know but hormones are coming in and I try to let it go) but again, he didn’t say anything he just laughed and went back to his computer.

we haven’t had sexual relations in years and he’s not very loving to me at all in any other way but I’m so full of self doubt.

is this normal? Am I being sensitive?

he’s very loving towards our kids, tells them they are beautiful etc so it’s not as if he’s just that way sigh

I feel sad for you. You don't deserve to be spoken to like that, not by anyone, and especially not your own children and partner.

But all is not lost, OP. You're finding your fire inside, because you have posted here - you know you are worth more than this. Listen to your inner voice telling you that. You can find the strength to put yourself first 💪🏻

I’d leave the horrible, horrible man.

I’ve been with my dh 33 years—nothing but love and support and physical affection and sex even now in our sixties. Its not because im so beautiful! Im not! I never was. Im not so wonderful either—but he thinks I am! Don’t think that the difference between being unloved and loved is because of who you are or what you did. It is the difference between being with a good person who loves you and a bad person who keeps you around but hates you.
Get out and find a real lover/partner.

Kid sounds like a twat who takes after their dad. Call them out

You can get in a rut with long term relationships, but my experience is that sex is the glue that binds you together.

I have looked totally shit for days on end and maybe not have had a shower that day and DH still would be all over me.

It's not normal for him to be so disengaged, not want sex and allow rudeness from your children.

@WhyWhyY
life shouldn’t be like that. I’ve been married 20 years and he is still my best friend and I am his. Of course we can do things separately but more often than not we are together. He makes me laugh. He makes me feel confident and loved. That’s how it should be. I obviously do same for him. I think he’s ace. But I know for sure. I’d rather be alone than in a relationship that made me feel alone.

It is absolutely astonishing that you allow your children to treat you this way, never mind your shit husband. If this thread isn't a wake-up call for you, nothing will be.

Tell your husband you're filing for divorce and tell your awful kids that they must never, ever speak to you like that again. FFS, get angry.

I have started to look at rental houses.

i think the best bet will be to rent the house then move my things slowly over and at some point during that process, tell
him what I’m doing.

That sounds really wonderful. I’d love to love someone like that and be loved by them. Xx

I'm so sad reading how some women live

Not a normal relationship op.
Pretending you don’t exist ?
Kids rude to you and he didn’t care ?

Sounds like they’ve picked up on his disrespect for you.

You could try a couple of weeks away. Take a holiday .Give yourself a treat and be able to think clearly about the way forward.

It will make them think twice about taking you for granted.

Well done for looking at alternative housing. Would you take the children with you?

This. But not angry. Firm.

Sorry, but "firm" doesn't even begin to cover it. Being angry over mistreatment is absolutely justified and acceptable as long as you conduct and express yourself appropriately. The op is more than entitled to be angry over how she's been treated.

What a load of bollocks, I'd leave them both! Ok, I wouldn't leave my kid but I'd probably go on holiday leave them to it then leave him when I got back.

No it isnt acceptable with children. They need to know why their behaviour is unacceptable. Not screamed at in an angry way.

him? Go nuts on him the piece of crap that he is.

Did you even bother to read what I wrote? I never said anything about screaming at anyone. You can be angry and express your hurt and anger and not be screaming, it's not hard.

Well you can! The first thing to do is throw out the cold tea in your teacup (bad partner) then start living your life exactly how you are so that the person who loves exactly that can find you and join you. You have to make room for the hot tea.

Some women have been trained to keep trimming themselves down and shaving off their “bad parts” to fit in the box society or their partners want to push them into. But it never really works. Either we can’t trim off all the parts they don’t like, or they keep trimming until we vanish and are discarded anyway.

If you want to find your true lover you have to break out of the box in all your nobby, spiky, uncomfortable, glory. You can never be less than yourself and be true to yourself and find your person.

Whatever you like be uncompromising about it: Opera, warts, books, naps, travel, zoos. From aardvarks to zombies own your peculiar interests, pleasures, —your style! And devil take the hindmost.

For every crooked foot there is a crooked shoe. For every pot there is a lid.

If you make yourself less you get less.

To be fair while it’s not acceptable I kind of feel for her. She’s seen me being treated like dirt and that’s my fault, I let it Happen

It's not your fault. It's your partner's fault.

That is definitely not normal. You're being disrespected and insulted by your child and your partner. It's horrible.
Our teenage DS is autistic and sometimes says silly things about my appearance, like if I get a new haircut, but DH will always tell him that he's wrong for saying that and will shower me with extra compliments to make up for it!
Your DD is learning that disrespecting you is fine and funny, because that's what her dad is teaching her. I'd be giving her a good talking to for being so rude to you. I'd actually ask her what made her say her dad thinks you're ugly too. Then show her that you aren't going to take that kind of disrespect from her father either. Sort them both out!

The behaviour from both of them is absolutely disgusting. Your daughter has learned she can insult you and speak to you like dirt without consequence and your husband just laughs. Shameful from both of them. I’d tell them that you know that you deserve better than this from both of them and that you’ve had enough. And I’d sort yourself out and leave him to deal with her, frankly. Start with a fortnight anywhere else or whatever you can afford.

OP you don’t need to worry about finding someone to love you. You need to worry about loving yourself. You CAN learn to love yourself again in this situation. And then you certainly won’t let your bratty teen say something hurtful like that without some kind of consequence. And you won’t let your dh’s neglect be the end of your world.

Reclaim your self-esteem piece by piece - do you know where to start?

Well I did start with planning an evening to myself tonight and it’s blown up. But I stated another thread about that.

I want to cry for you OP.

But as a couple of PPs have said, you have found strength just by posting here. I say this a lot but there's a bunch of great women here that are supportive and have good advice.

If it were me, I'd definitely take myself away for a weekend or a week or whatever you can manage. Pamper yourself, do things that make you feel good and give yourself some time and peace to think. Don't tell them that you're going but be prepared to make plans to exit for good.