Partner makes me feel ugly

[WhyWhyY]

I am coming to terms with leaving, but sometimes I second guess myself.

AIBU, one of my children is going through a teenage phase and sometimes her emotions get the better of her. She was being spiteful one day and said
”you’re ugly even dad thinks so” and when I recounted this to my partner he just laughed. Nothing more.

A week later I came home with a new haircut and child said I looked weird (I know I know but hormones are coming in and I try to let it go) but again, he didn’t say anything he just laughed and went back to his computer.

we haven’t had sexual relations in years and he’s not very loving to me at all in any other way but I’m so full of self doubt.

is this normal? Am I being sensitive?

he’s very loving towards our kids, tells them they are beautiful etc so it’s not as if he’s just that way sigh

Oh OP, this isn't ok. Yes, people have ups and downs, and our hormones affect how we feel about things, but this is no way to live.

I'd sit the teenager down for a strong word about treating people with respect, and how hurtful and rude it is to make personal comments about people.

Re: your partner, do you want to try and fix it or have you had enough? If you want to fix it, I'd sit him down and tell him some cold hard truths about how he's making you feel. His response will tell you if there's anything to save. Whatever you say, don't suggest your hormones are affecting things, they're not, it's how he treats you.

I agree, OP staying means her children have learnt to treat her as a lesser parent.

I would never let a man impact my relationship with my children, very sad.

i suppose I have resigned myself to a lot and I guess I feel ugly and unworthy so I’m starting to wonder what’s the point of starting a new life?
I worry though about the kids leaving. I have nothing to offer them because partner is very well off and I’ll be very not well off.

why would they want to stay with me? How could I even ask them to live in my hovel with me? Because that’s all I could afford.

it all feels so desperate

I've been married more than 33 years and none of what you've described is normal. We still love and adore each other, speak respectfully to each other and work together toward common goals.

Also, you need to teach your daughter that insulting people is unacceptable.

is this normal? Am I being sensitive?

No and no.

Your posts make me feel sad for you.

I just thought maybe that’s what real long term relationships were like

Dh and I have been married for over 42 years and he never treats me like that.
Unfortunately your teenager's role model is her dad, and it shows. I would never have been rude to my parents like this and DD would never have been this rude to me. She might jokingly say that something doesn't suit me, but she is never rude or malicious about it.

Please get everything in place so that you can leave. This will never get better.

You have to leave those fuckers. You can't let yourself be treated like shit. Stand up for yourself.

No wonder you feel like that. Your self esteem must be quite low at the moment.

I would not stay because of money. You owe it to yourself and your children to do something. I'd start with zero tolerance with the rude behaviour.

OP my heart is breaking reading this because that was what my marriage was like towards the end. My ex just didn't respect me, never wanted to spend time with me and never said or did anything nice for me. He clearly fell out of love with me but was too afraid to end it.

I do recommend leaving. My self esteem is so much better now I listen to my internal voice. I have built my confidence up piece by piece. My lids can still be difficult but they are also challenging me less as my confidence has grown.

Sorry op that's not normal at all. Not at all. How can your dh be a loving dad if he taught them all these horrible things. And unfortunately your dc have learnt this too. I would leave them just to get some space and to get your life back on track. Leave the door open for your dc but don't accept this treatment. My dh would never allow my dc to speak to me like that.

It’s times like these I do wish I had supportive family to help me out, it would feel so good to have someone to rely on.

thanks for explaining to me this isn’t normal.

I wake up every day and just feel dread, another day of wondering what the whole point even is.

I just feel like I’ve got no-one. My life was supposed to be with my family and now even when I’m at my lowest and I need help, the person I thought I could go to with anything is the person causing the pain.

it’s like a mountain to climb and I don’t j or where to start

Thank you, thanks for sharing it feels heartening to hear someone else. How did you do it? I’m in awe of you x

His side of the family ate like that. Even though they are nice they don’t have any social skills. His mum is always talking about how waitresses are fat or how people look.

I hate it.

im not a stunning woman but I’m not a monster and even if I were, your family are meant to look at you with love aren’t they?

Is DP the biological Dad?

Yes

OP, your post makes me so sad.

You are not ugly and the people you love and should love you should not make you feel that way.

What your DH is doing is wrong and not normal. I've been with my DH 25 years and the love is still strong. Sure we have ups and downs but he still tells me I'm beautiful everyday, even when I feel like utter rubbish.

What others have said about your daughter is true. Your DH is rubbing off. My teenager would never say the things yours has. She would automatically compliment a new hairstyle ect and always says I look nice if I have made a particular effort. She's also got a boyfriend and I believe this one is going well because she knows her worth and sees DH and I being loving and considerate openly and that's what she wants for herself.

Please put yourself first. Don't just settle because your made to not feel good enough because you are.

Thank you for your reply.

I guess even if I don’t care about myself I should think, I don’t want them thinking this is what love is like.

I want them to be with a person who kisses them when they get home and takes them out for dates, someone who is affectionate and loving and kindly spoken. I suppose what I want for them is what I should want for myself.

it’s just been so long and I am feeling too old to be loved again

This isn't what real long term relationships are like if they are healthy relationships.

Honestly you don't seem to have any relationship left and I think you should separate. I'm sorry

Thank you for your reply.

its probably the how that’s got me. I am
coming round to realising it’s over but now on earth do I start.

Just keep posting on here. You will get loads of support. Sending you strength.

You should want that for yourself. Why wouldn't you. I think everybody wants to be loved. If you wouldn't want your kids to settle for what they are seeing then show them it's not enough.

Your also not too old. Have you watched first dates? Couples in their 90s looking for love again. I can imagine it's totally daunting and there's so much to consider logistically. I'm sure it won't be easy by any means but please don't think you have to settle and that the way your being treated is acceptable.

Thank you. I appreciate your post.

No it's not normal and yes you are worth more! You're right in saying relationships aren't always sunshine and rainbows, but in a good relationship you try to make it feel that way.

My partner and I compliment each other every day - 'I love that outfit on you', 'Your hair looks nice like that', 'Can't wait to see you later', etc.

On my ugliest days he makes me feel pretty and that's how it should be.

Your kids are rude and you don't have a partner you have a roommate.

The reason to have a partner is because it makes you both feel good. Otherwise, what's the point? A man should understand that if your life isn't improved by him being in it, he won't be in it much longer. I was chatting to a friend today and he said, "if you were my bird I'd be proud to take you out and show you off". That made me feel good (despite the use of the word "bird")! Nice words, compliments make you feel good. Insults, or a lack of appreciation make you feel bad. And you'd be justified in getting rid of this negativity.

Sorry your feeling so low and the people who should bring you up are putting you down. I know leaving isn't easy and your situation has challenges to making it happen. However I believe better single, happy and in love with yourself than living with someone who makes you feel so low xxx