Spending downsizing cash

[CueilleLeJour]

I'm really not sure if I'm being unreasonable here.

Mum is 87 and downsized a few years after we lost my dad. She bought a nice little flat and had £150K from the sale.

Growing up, we never had much money and dad kept a close hand on the purse strings. Mum was left with a comfortable but not huge pension, and some moderate savings which she has spent over the last few years.

Since downsizing, she has basically had access to more free money than she's ever had in her life. In the last year, she's spent nearly half the £150k. Mostly on the flat - new kitchen, bathroom, carpets, furniture, professional decorating etc - but also an expensive holiday. It's clearly been an amazing feeling for her to have all the money she could dream of and spend it without my dad's disapproving eye peering over her shoulder. Part of me thinks it's great and she should just enjoy it while she can.

But part of me is really alarmed at her getting through half the proceeds in a year, and I worry about possible future care needs. My BIL's mum is 90 and has been in a care home for 3 years and it's just burning cash. They wouldn't let her in without proving she had 2 years of costs up front - which I think was about 140K.

My mum is just convinced she won't ever need a care home, and I know she's better off than many people who have nothing put by. It's also really none of my business, it's her money to do what she wants with. It's not dementia or anything, just someone who has never really had to make financial decisions having a whale of a time splashing the cash.

But am I right to have a little anxiety about it all?

YABU You only live once, she's right to spend it while she can
YANBU It's a bit reckless to spend half your downsizing profits in the first year

Almost everyone in my family died before even retirement age, only ONE family member (the very oldest living one) ever saw a care home. I also lost a healthy friend suddenly a few months younger than me last year... I'll spend my money while I'm alive and enjoying it.

I make zero plan to not enjoy life so I can be spend my entire life savings rotting in a care home (which likely will never happen because it would be a MIRACLE if I live that long).

What a gappy and exciting year for her! I would leave her to enjoy it.

@BIossomtoes no, I cant imagine treating myself to an expensive holiday and asking my daughter to come with me and asking her to fund it herself when its 3x what she would normally spend and has lost lost her dad while I'm sat on £150k. Would you?

She might have offered to pay for OP. We don’t know, do we?

So funny the level of judgment on this thread, though to be fair that is what you expect if you post on AIBU.

Yes, she offered to pay for me. I didn't feel comfortable taking her money knowing that she has limited resources and is getting through them at a pace. It was quite a reach for me to spend that on a holiday though, and not something I would ever have chosen to do if she was not so set on it.

She might have even wanted to go alone but DD asked to join her.

My granddad spent years in a care home spent every last penny on care the person next to him paid nothing it was funded

if you haven’t got the money the state pick up the bill
there is no advantage to having money
tell her to spend it

The difference is that I would have insisted on paying for my daughter. She is doing something she wouldn't have chosen, much less spent 3x more on than normal to make sure I'm comfortable and is likely still at a point where her outgoings are at their peak in life and as a parent your instinct is to look after your kids. I cant imagine being willing to let my daughter front up for that when I have the money to pay for it. Even less so if I felt her dad had restricted how I could spoil her when she was younger.

I'm glad OP has found some peace on this thread x

I agree that it is unfair but with all due respect, there is a bigger problem in that we cant expect government and councils to fund proper care for an aging population and give proper SEN and vulnerable adult care and everything else without higher taxes. Someone has to pay for it. FWIW I'd be happier to pay higher taxes because everyone deserve dignity and support to live a quality life. But there is a disconnect because care isnt free.

Let her enjoy her money. After my Dad died my Mum became horribly mean with money. She had no reason to be like this and had savings and a large pension. Ten years on she is now having to pay for care and all the money she and Dad had worked so hard for was never enjoyed by them.

This. Let her enjoy her life now and cross that bridge when it comes to it. MIL is in a nursing home in her late 60s, could be in for another 30 years. No one has enough money for that!! It’s not a luxury retirement home but it meets her needs (although yes is very depressing).

If I was her I'd blow the lot and enjoy myself!!!!

That's fine as long she has enough money elsewhere to cover her care fees. or will never have to go into a home. Tax payers should not have to pick up the cost of care for the elderly who have ring fenced assets which would otherwise have been used to pay for their care?

Another one who thinks spend on making the flat nice and a few nice holidays. She can equity release if she needs more living expenses long term. Put bluntly she might not live much longer.

Good on her. I hope I'm still independent and loving life at 87.

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/paying-for-care/paying-for-a-care-home/deprivation-of-assets/. There are some rules with unusual spending of money.

That is considered as deprivation of assets.

No it isn’t.

@blossomtoes for everyday living it is not but for holidays etc or "unusual spending" it is considered as such.

We often used to tell my DM (widowed in her 70s) to spend her money and enjoy herself. But although she had what she wanted, her ‘wants’ became fewer and more modest (not that they’d ever been extravagant) - she had no desire to ‘splash the cash’. She often said, ‘I’m only saving it for you lot.’ The relatively few clothes she bought were ‘good’, though, and she’d invariably want to pay* her way on holiday.

*she was once too willing in that respect though - she joined us on a relatively expensive family holiday which we paid for - breakfast and evening meals thrown in.

DM paid for some lunches and drinks, and when we were leaving, she was a bit askance at the size of the bill for these, but was about to pay it anyway.

Just as well I was on the spot to check - the hotel was charging her for the entire cost of the holiday!

A genuine mistake, but just as well I still had the paperwork to show that it had already been paid.

I wouldn't think a holiday would count as deprivation of assets, would it?

So at what age are we no longer allowed to go on holiday? I'm 70 and wondering if I'm already in danger of being accused of deprivation of assets. I also had my bathroom re done two years ago, it needed doing and had needed doing for some years. Am I not allowed a nice bathroom? How usual is doing up a bathroom? I've been in this house nearly 30 years and this is the first time I've done it so I suppose that is unusual. Maybe I should have been having anew bathroom every year to show it is usual spending?

Your DM can also gift money per year to her children & charities too

*There are maybe 1% of people who live long and can be left living alone.

99% of the elderly needs care- maybe not 24/7 and not by professionals, but they do*

I'd like to know where you got those figures from because they sound made up

My 3 closest friends still have both parents, all in their mid/late 80s, living in their own homes, no help, no carers

My Mum is in her late 70s. Her closest friends are at least her age, all still live in their own homes, no carers or help. She goes to a keep fit class once a week and is almost the youngest there. The other ladies like her turn up in their cars, go for coffee afterwards & return to their own homes

By your statistics most of them should be in care or receiving assistance. Whereas the people I'm referring to who are 78+ are all living unassisted in their own homes. Possibly they're all very fortunate but your 99% statement seems VERY unlikely.

@Iwasafool I'm nearly your age and holiday 4 times a year. This is your active living period - enjoy it 😄