Spending downsizing cash

[CueilleLeJour]

I'm really not sure if I'm being unreasonable here.

Mum is 87 and downsized a few years after we lost my dad. She bought a nice little flat and had £150K from the sale.

Growing up, we never had much money and dad kept a close hand on the purse strings. Mum was left with a comfortable but not huge pension, and some moderate savings which she has spent over the last few years.

Since downsizing, she has basically had access to more free money than she's ever had in her life. In the last year, she's spent nearly half the £150k. Mostly on the flat - new kitchen, bathroom, carpets, furniture, professional decorating etc - but also an expensive holiday. It's clearly been an amazing feeling for her to have all the money she could dream of and spend it without my dad's disapproving eye peering over her shoulder. Part of me thinks it's great and she should just enjoy it while she can.

But part of me is really alarmed at her getting through half the proceeds in a year, and I worry about possible future care needs. My BIL's mum is 90 and has been in a care home for 3 years and it's just burning cash. They wouldn't let her in without proving she had 2 years of costs up front - which I think was about 140K.

My mum is just convinced she won't ever need a care home, and I know she's better off than many people who have nothing put by. It's also really none of my business, it's her money to do what she wants with. It's not dementia or anything, just someone who has never really had to make financial decisions having a whale of a time splashing the cash.

But am I right to have a little anxiety about it all?

YABU You only live once, she's right to spend it while she can
YANBU It's a bit reckless to spend half your downsizing profits in the first year

I would be voting for her to enjoy her money. What she must not do is deliberately deprive herself of funds by giving chunks away or putting the flat in trust as if she does go into care that's not good. Hopefully she will have some fun and die without setting foot in a care home.

It is your DMs money

She could eat out every day
Go on a round the world cruise, on multiple holidays
Donate to charity
Enjoy life while she is still able !

Who wants to think about spending on carers, care homes ?

Nobody knows how long we have to live
Your DM could live to 105 be gone much quicker

I don't think people realise that with modern medicine you can leave for a very long time- it's not necessary means it will be quality time.

Care home isn't just a place where old people goes to die.
My husband dad is leaving with us (severe dementia) but he would be so much better off in a care home. We have full time jobs and 2 kids, bearly have time to look after him. His mentally and physically declining becouse of this.
In a care home, he could be surrounded by other, be social, have lunch and dinner with others and activities.
He has enough pension for a care home (£5000 a month, which is incredible!) so thankfully we don't have to worry about the time when it gets really bad.

But unfortunately a lot of older people don't realise that family not necessarily will be able to take care of them (both time and financially) and they won't be able to live alone.
Children won't and can't leave them to die alone in their own home- so the other option is a care home. If they don't have enough money to cover it, it will fall on the children, which is unfair and most of the time impossible.

I understand your worry- unfortunately, like many old people she is in denial about her future, so you propably won't be able to do anything about it.

My mother did the same after my father died. Her house and garden are lovely now. Before, the garden was overgrown and the house stuck in 1979.

There are maybe 1% of people who live long and can be left living alone.

99% of the elderly needs care- maybe not 24/7 and not by professionals, but they do.

I can tell you never had to deal with an older person who needed care- it is a full time job and often it can't be done without a professional.
And let's not go into the finances- expecting your children to cover the cost of your care is selfish.

I suspect your percentages are well off- thinking in my family - hum -

one moved to a sheltered home ( council funded and then I think care home for last couple of months - also council funded
One needed nurses coming in at end of life but died at home
Losing count of how many died in hospital after short illness -5 or 6

That's none needing "care" or anyone else to pay for them

And if they are , so what , she spent her money ? More people never had it in the first place

Katherina18...

Ref
"I can tell that you have never had to deal..."

Really ? You assume far too much !

Do you want to swap my life, for your life ?

I am fully aware of how some elderly people live
Some survive & do not really live

My thoughts stand, spend it while she can enjoy it !

@midgetastic Not everyone gets council funding. Especially if you have a higher pension.

@BestHolidayDeals if you would have to worry about spending your hard earned money-which will effect your family- on care for an elderly, you won't think this way.

My parents went on loads of trips when they downsized. I'm really pleased they did as they worked hard all their lives and made so many sacrifices for us.

When Mother was diagnosed with cancer in 2015, I asked if there was anything she wanted to do and she told me that she had now done all the things she wanted to. She died five months later. Let your mother enjoy herself while she can.

99% is quite some statistic.
I can't say it tallies up with my personal experience. One elderly family member needed care after a stroke in their 70s. This was shared among family members, albeit it's not an ideal situation.
Their spouse lived alone, fully independent before quietly dying in his sleep.
Grandfather admitted to hospital after surgical complications and passed away within a week. Fully independent and actually in FT employment up until the surgery.
Elderly aunt needed support of her husband in the last 6 months with shopping and cooking. Was housebound but relatively independent otherwise. 6 months after her passing, the husband took a fall outside the house and broke his neck. Gone within three days at a hospital.
When I worked as a carer, the vast majority of my elderly clients needed a visit to warm up some soup, check medication and have a chat. Something that in many cultures would not require involvement of a professional. I would say that over half of my clients were much younger and needed care due to TBI, MND, complications of AIDS and early-onset dementia. Based on this nobody should be spending any money as all of us might need care at any age.

I didn’t vote because I think both are true really. Yes, it’s not financially responsible, but on the other hand who cares! I expect your mum is well aware that she has no idea how much longer she has.

Anyway, apart from the expensive holiday, that all seems like practical stuff, even if it’s on the luxurious side of practical.

If she needs care, and it all gets expensive and difficult, she may regret spending it. But if she’s gone in a year, you’ll be glad she enjoyed it. Unfortunately none of us can predict the future.

@Catza Depends on how you look at it. Most people don't even realise how bad they parents/grandparents are. It also depends how much you care about they every day life.

Until my husband's dad moved in with us, I thought he was more than capable of living alone. Wow, I was wrong! He didn't take or took his pills too often or not at all, constantly skipped meals and showers, wore the same clothes for weeks.
Yes, you can leave them be - but it doesn't mean they don't need care or they won't be better with care.

I'm in Team Spend It.

What's she saving for, a motorbike??

IF she needs to go into a care home, her flat would be sold to pay for it. That asset has actually increased in value since she bought it, what with the new kitchen and all.

If she spends all the cash, they'll sell her flat to pay for care. If she doesn't spend all the cash, they'll take it to pay for care and THEN sell her flat to finance it if the cash runs out.

So it's going to run out either way.

If it was a 19 year old yes, worry about the future - a YA's future might involve university or buying a house. But at 87, I say enjoy your life at LONG BLOODY LAST.

It's a difficult one.
But until you've found a loved one sat in their own excitement, totally oblivious in their front room you'd be glad they didn't spend all their money on a cruise.
It takes time ti get assessment in place for state funding and then you don't instantly get 4 carers a day - you have to wait for availability.
And even with money to pay for a lovely care home, once your money runs out , your family either pay or you move to a cheaper place.
With that possible reality I would certainly hope some money was put to one side.
But the some elderly people became quite stubborn, almost like reverting to a toddler- a very badly behaved one .

I wouldn't have believed it had I not seen it myself.

It is not the case that 99% need a care home.

It might be the case that 99% need care at some point, but for example when my dad was dying he went into hospital and died in hospital.

Never went into a care home.

He died of cancer.

It’s her money as she sees fit. Regardless of her financial status she will be looked after if she needs to be.
If she was deprived of money by her husband then let her enjoy what she has.

Mind your own business and let her enjoy her money and her time

I work in this area. If a person can’t afford care they get topped up by the local authority. They’ll pay an affordable contribution based on their income.

If they have capital over £23.250 they be expended to self fund it all.

Enjoy the savings I say.

I wish my dad had just spent his money on nice things. He died suddenly but was always watching his pennies. He had saved a decent sum of money in the bank (over £100k) but his home, which he owned, was in a sad state of affairs in that it needed completely gutting. He never dressed well either - on the surface he always looked smart but on closer inspection you’d notice his suite was 40 years old or some thing and had been a while since is saw a cleaners.

he died suddenly and we children inherited his money and home. We sold his home for much less than it would have fetched if he had have kept it nice and renovated kitchen and bathroom etc. so in the end we probably got similar amounts passed down to us but more cash and less bricks and mortar value. He was in his 70s but wasn’t ill or anything. We were worried about longer term care for him as his memory had started showing signs of declining but he was a very independent man.

It’s lovely that his children have been able to see his money and we didn’t have to use it for care homes. But it would have been over to see him spend it and live a nicer lifestyle.

My mum on the other hand has a lovely property, renovates it now and again, keeps it clean, has a cleaner and gardener etc but has almost exhausted her savings. She’s adamant she won’t go into a care home. Who knows? She’s still fairly active although struggles a lot. She has had some lovely holidays but they’ve slowed as she’s aged, but she still gets out and about. She is worried about us not inheriting her home is she has to sell up for care fees but we will cross that bridge if we come to it. She might never need it and pass on her lovely home as it is.

Life is for living.

Let her spend it. She could wait until she 'needs' it but that day may never come. She should have the comforts now whilst she can enjoy it. She may never need a care home.

My mum worked her socks off to never see a penny of it as she died before she could enjoy it. But I would so love to see her to have been able to enjoy it.

I think its rather selfish thinking to be honest. YABVU your mom is enjoying her life whilst she can and should! You should be happy for her, not worrying if she will ever need care. I have been there and seen first hand how challenging caring for an unwell elderly person can be, but she cared for you youre entire life. Let her enjoy hers. The cost of care i this country can be astronomical, the money your mom has is just a drop in the ocean. If it were me, I'd be right there with her enjoying life and making memories. Complimenting her new kitchen and making sure the rest of her life is filled with nothing but adventures.

She might as well enjoy her money. When my Mum had to go into a dementia care home, we had to sell her home to pay the fees - and the sale went for less than your Mum's home. It has afforded us the choice of care home and a room with an ensuite for her. The residents there that had no assets to sell just didn't get the ensuite.

I wish my Mum had enjoyed her savings as they take it all anyway and burn through it very quickly!

She would get almost the same car was she would paying for it. They will make her sell her home to pay for it if she hasn't got cash. My grandma went into one 5/6yrs ago and they assess your finances. She got the same care as anyone paying in the care home. I would blow it all while I could enjoy the cash. It's not like she's just gone and spent it silly she got her home with a nice chunk and who isn't going to have a holiday if they can. Everything she has would go on her care and if it's not there the gov pay it. My grandma/my mam had to pay a top up amount a month because she had a bigger bedroom but if she had a house and cash it would of all gone within a a few months. They prefer in home care for as long as possible as it's cheaper to pay a carer to go in and help than a care home. She's done the best thing to live in comfort. First thing my grandma did to help reduce money she had was pay for her funeral up front. If it's not done then that would be a great spend for future proofing not saving it as you're suggesting.

You also need to be a bit alert to her being taken advantage of financially. She does sound quite vulnerable. My mum and mil were both targeted in different ways, both through different kinds of ‘doorstepping’. It’s a sad world and it is v difficult to protect a parent from financial abuse while still respecting their autonomy. Fortunately, neither my mum nor my mil used the internet to shop - that is a whole new world for fraudsters targeting lonely and bored old people living alone.

She is 87 and presumably spends the vast majority of her time in her flat. How lovely she is able to fix it up to have the home of her dreams for this stage of life rather than have to put up with what was there. Redoing my kitchen in 2 homes brought me so much joy and changed how I spent my time within the home.

She has now made the major expenditure and can settle down to using smaller chunks of it.

If she has £75k left and draws that down at £7.5k a year then that lasts another 10 years until she would be 97 which together with any pension may be plenty for someone of that age would be my guess.