Jealous of support friend is getting - childish?

[Lizay27]

After entering the world of single mama hood, raising my kids, the pets, paying all the bills, juggling work and home etc I expected my few friends to somewhat give some form emotional support - they haven't.

Last week I broke down after 6 months and one of the 4 messaged me a few days later. They are very aware of the difficulties i am facing emotionally and have been but I don't think they see the seriousness of it.

Now one of them had a common operation and is on hospital for few days. The friends have been so supportive to her and checking in on her daily, planning a visit, buying her gifts. I also plan to go but I am (embarrassingly) jealous that for her physical pain everyone's all in and for my emotional pain, nobody cares to check in. It actually hurts me.

After I broke down, and that 1 friend checked in on me, I felt so happy.

I feel like saying to them I feel so unsupported by my friends but as they are all single with no commitment, I'm talking myself into "it's ok, they probably are just not aware of the trauma of becoming a single parent" but the other side of me is saying, no they SHOULD have checked on me. They know what am going through.

I don't know if I'm just being insecure. I haven't seen them for 4 months.

Doesn't matter that it's a "common operation" it's still a big thing.

If you've got too much on your plate consider rehoming a pet - a pet is a choice.

I think if you haven't seen them for 4 months they don't sound very close friends. Are you some distance from them? I think it's very easy to get wrapped up in your own life and not have time for folks you don't see much of.

I'm sorry you're feeling unsupported. I also think it's probably easier for people to think 'Oh, X is in hospital - better send wishes/flowers' than it is to think 'Oh, Y has spent several months struggling on alone with kids, etc'. Physical stuff is much easier to be aware of than emotional, if that makes sense. They maybe assume (or hope) that you are coping fine.

What's the 'common op£? These days to be in for a few days if young must be quite invasive.
There's a huge difference between 'are you physically OK. What can I do?' And 'here I am, off load on me'
At the moment I could have physical capacity to run errands for someone, do a physical task, but I (and I feel awful) don't have capacity to be a counselling service for a friend.

Think that's a bit harsh, it's not fair to say get over how you feel by getting rid of your pet.

As long as the pets are cared for appropriately course they should keep them

@Lizay27 I think you're friends have been very unsupportive that's disgusting but I would try to think of it as they've shown you their true colours. That's not to take away from how much it hurts when people you value are unsupportive.

If they are good friends, close friends of yours, then I'd encourage you to approach and talk to them.

Tell them how youve been feeling and ask them why they haven't checked in with you. You might find they can answer your questions and they'll also learn what your expectations are.

There's also a difference in that the operation happens, she needs support for a short time and then will be better. Emotional support can be much harder because it's very emotionally tiring for the person supporting as well, and also can last for months.
They can go round, take a bunch of flowers, pat them on the head and say "hope you're feeling better soon" and heave a sigh of relief.

I've had times of being an emotional support for someone, and I have never minded doing it. But currently I'm in a bad mental state and I honestly couldn't do it.

Some people are just better dealing with physical pain.

It has a beginning, a middle and an end, then the support is no longer needed.

In your situation there's no real end, it's going to be hard for quite a while (I've been/am there, and I do sympathise). Emotionally supporting someone indefinitely can take its toll. Not saying they are right, it's just that you can't compare the situations really.

I hope things ease a bit for you op, it's really not easy when you're in the thick of it all.

This is so common. The outpouring of love, gifts and acts of service people gave me when broke my neck (for me a totally non traumatic fairly straightforward incident) compared to the total lack of care when I was poorly with depression was such a shock to me. People were offering to come over and wash my hair! I really could have used that same offer 2 years prior when I was depressed 😔

People like to give care when they know it might be short term and isn't emotionally charged.

I can see why it is upsetting.

It sounds like they are all single and have no children? In which case, it’s probably hard for them to put themselves in your shoes.

There is also potentially an element for them of feeling that your position is more complicated and stems from choices that you have made - it sounds like there is more than one child so I assume you actively chose to have children. you have chosen to have pets. you haven’t said how you became a single parent and obviously that may not have been your choice but it’s not as straightforward as needing to be in hospital for a few days.

I’m not saying that it’s reasonable or rational, but it could be more clear-cut in their heads that the friend in hospital is in a temporary unfortunate and unwanted position. It’s also easier to know what to do for the friend in hospital. They may just have no clue how best to support you.

I didn't say that. I said if she's got too much on her plate then that's an option.

Oh yes for sure I can see that an operation is short term recovery and emotional trauma is longer.

It's not so much that I want to offload on them but when I split from my husband, I think I was kind of expecting that my friends would be checking in just to say how are you, how are the children coping, how are things etc. I mean if I put myself in their shoes, I would and have done that. So I guess it hurts like they are these words of support for my lovely friend and am sitting here feeling neglected.

I've moved in a tiny urban apartment 8 months ago and haven't had anyone come in. All my friends live about 20min drive.

I think as well I was with my husband from when I was 14, I'm 40now. So I've had my first Christmas, valentines, new years etc as a single parent and that's a huge mental adjustment and even then, they all went out for NYE, I didn't get an invite. I just feel they should have made more effort to communicate and see me. I also acknowledge that I am in a tough part of life now and can be feeling negative

I am so sorry OP. That’s really hard on you. 💐💐💐💐

I was going to say YABU because you have been separated 6 months and I wouldn't expect friends to be treating you like you need sympathy and support for a break up indefinitely. I do think YABU to be jealous but I think this is actually about the fact that you've realised they aren't as good friends to you as you thought they were.

If you haven’t seen them for 4 months, they don’t invite you out, don’t check how you’re doing after a divorce and haven’t been to visit you once, it doesn’t actually sound like you are friends with these people or at least like they view you as a friend. I’m not meaning to be harsh but maybe you should lower your expectations of this group of people and try and make some new friends (not easy I know).

Were you there for them during the time you were married? Or is it now that you are newly single that you thought you would be one of the girls having opted out when you had a husband?

Sometimes when a person is newly divorced their entire topic of conversation is about the "bastard ex" and he's doing this and that and it can be quite draining. I don't mean this is what you are doing but perhaps contemplate how you have presented to them. Is it in a positive I am up to do stuff way or the fact you are saying you haven't had the support do you present when speaking or messaging as being on a emotional downer and potentially draining.

If they are single do they have jobs or otherwise fulfilling lives and are just busy doing what they have always done because you weren't interested when you were married but want them around now you are not.

I am so sorry, I know how painful it is to feel unsupported. This is a terrible admission, but emotional support is absolutely draining. I have a good friend whom I think a huge amount of, she split with her husband and since then it’s been so difficult. I struggle to keep the requisite amount of bandwidth she needs going, I know she’s in deep pain and I want to support her, but it’s been going on for months, and as with all situations like this there’s no true end in sight. An op I could have handled with ease… I do hope life gets easier for you, but really we’re a bit on our own with stuff like this.

All I will say OP is that when I split from my ex last year (also had kids and been together a long time) is that I learned who my friends really were. Some fell away while I was really pleasantly surprised by the way other people rallied around me.

These people are not your friends.

Wow, you are harsh.
The OP became a single mother because of marriage break-down, not a lifestyle choice. They already had the dog.
Also the post is about her friends selfish behaviour, not her financial situation.

Oftentimes people really don’t know what to say when an emotional hardship happens - a divorce or a death - it’s scary, and they don’t know how to approach it.

a hospital visit, especially when it’s not something scary and ongoing like terminal illness - is fairly straightforward, and there are clear social traditions for that - one brings flowers. One visits. It’s just what is the done thing.

I think if you need support, you might say what that looks like to you. If these are close enough friends , try saying “I really could use some support,” a girls night, a visit, pizza Ana a movie, whatever would fill your well, but ask for what you need, don’t expect people to read your mind.

some people (like me) need to be alone when rough emotional things happen - so I guess I’m just trying to say that this isn’t a measure of their regard for you - they don’t care for you less and her more, just from the evidence of this one difference - it just may be that it’s easier and more clear to go give someone some flowers and pop in for a quick visit if someone has broken their leg.

I don’t know - of course, I don’t know how they really feel, but I’m giving this possible perspective just in case keeping it in mind can help at all.

it’s rough and awful what you’ve been struggling with, OP, and I hope if they knew how to better be there for you, they’d jump at the chance.

Ps. You’re not childish. Your feelings aren’t childish. Your feelings are a signpost, there to signal to you what you want. You’re not harming your friend, they are just feelings, and normal ones, at that.

It was a suggestion! I was trying to help. OP seems to be struggling and that's the only thing I can think of that would lighten her load.

And I can't see that it is a dog but if it is and she's moved into a tiny urban apartment it might not be suitable anyway

@tomago If OP had come on here saying that she was having a hard time and was thinking of rehoming the dog, she'd have a pile on of people telling her that she was a horrible person.

Well they'd be wrong.