Jealous of support friend is getting - childish?

[Lizay27]

After entering the world of single mama hood, raising my kids, the pets, paying all the bills, juggling work and home etc I expected my few friends to somewhat give some form emotional support - they haven't.

Last week I broke down after 6 months and one of the 4 messaged me a few days later. They are very aware of the difficulties i am facing emotionally and have been but I don't think they see the seriousness of it.

Now one of them had a common operation and is on hospital for few days. The friends have been so supportive to her and checking in on her daily, planning a visit, buying her gifts. I also plan to go but I am (embarrassingly) jealous that for her physical pain everyone's all in and for my emotional pain, nobody cares to check in. It actually hurts me.

After I broke down, and that 1 friend checked in on me, I felt so happy.

I feel like saying to them I feel so unsupported by my friends but as they are all single with no commitment, I'm talking myself into "it's ok, they probably are just not aware of the trauma of becoming a single parent" but the other side of me is saying, no they SHOULD have checked on me. They know what am going through.

I don't know if I'm just being insecure. I haven't seen them for 4 months.

Ffs. A pet isnt a "choice" and you dont just give it away when times get tough. Theyre family. Your attitude is why there are so many pets being put down because rescue centres are bursting at the seams!

Actually I’m not aligning, I feel embarassed for you, being happy when you get attention and feeling jealous when someone else gets it.

I’m so sorry op. I think with mh things people do just tend to leave people to get on with it, which is awful- they wait for the text that says someone is having the worst time so they can just say eg hugs which is terrible but they’re just leaving you to get on with it because as someone said above a physical thing has an end date. I don’t think people mean to, they just go and get on with their lives. My friend posted recently how long it was since her mum’s death and I felt so guilty- I’ve only spoken/texted her a few times since, just had my own stuff going on

I'm sorry OP and I get your point

I'm curious if this was a situation where they took sides and became your ex's friend. I've never been married but have seen this happen in divorces.

YANBU.

Op they sound like terrible friends if they are not inviting you to things anymore.

Either you don’t ‘fit’ their lifestyles anymore and they are not decent enough to make adaptations for you.

Or they are awkward and embarrassed around you, know that if they do ask you you’ll have no childcare options.

Sometimes people behave poorly because they don’t know how to help in the situation. But really in your case I think they are selfish. It’s often said that you find out who your true friends are when you go through a major negative event.

Sorry it’s really shitty of them, and double whammy to lose your marriage/life you had planned and then find out your friends aren’t that great. You will make it through this, and you will be ok. It’s just time. Keep going, one day at a time.

How nasty

My initial thought was that, while I can understand your sadness at the lack of support from friends, I do think it's very hard for people without kids to really understand how tough it can be, let alone how hard it must be for single parents. However reading your updates, it seems that they didn't even check in on you following your break up, which surely is something they could understand. To be honest they don't sound like great friends.

I wondering if the lack of invites to things is either because they don't think you would be able to come (because of the kids) or because they don't think you will bring the group down. Either way they aren't being great friends.

Some of your posts seem a bit contradictory in that you say you don't complain about your situation to anyone but then say you are depressed, and they all know. And then you had a breakdown and only friend checked in. But you haven't seen them for months. So how would they know?

I'm sorry, I totally recognise this and agree with you. I haven't had MH issues myself but a family member has and nobody makes any effort, and the little made at first just disappears. I think as others have said it's easier to know what to do when it's a physical problem.

I shared this photo a while ago and lots of people agreed (as have others above) even saying they'd been inundated with support when they were physically ill but actually felt they coped better, however had previously had MH issues and not a peep. You're not alone in feeling this way and you have 'us', not that it's the same.

I’m afraid I think there’s a discrepancy here. You think you’re all better friends than they do.

My advice would be to branch out and try to make some new friends.

Thank you. It was a suggestion based on the list of things OP is struggling with. For all I know it is a stick insect or a fish. I'm not saying she HAS to. It was simply out of those list of struggles the pet is possibly one less thing if OP really can't cope with her load. There is nothing wrong with saying actually I have too much on my plate. Yes it would be really hard to give it up.

Just as an example, 3 of them are going out for one's bday celebration tomorrow evening. I am waiting for the invite. how do you know about it? Do they assume you won't be able to come as you don't have support to look after the kids? Maybe have a chat with them and say you're up for a night out if they could keep you in the loop for the next one?

How do you even know all of this stuff is happening and yet you’re somehow not invited? What form of communication do you use with them?

I don’t see it that way, it’s support and friends she needs. I know that feeling of being let down in your time of need and it doesn’t equate to wanting ‘attention’ for attention’s sake. It’s knowing and feeling your friends care about you.

When I was struggling as a single mum nothing would have made me give up my pet (dog), any more than I would have given up one of my children to ‘lighten’ my load. They are part of the family. It would have had the opposite effect of lightening my load.

Know what you mean OP.
I was in a serious accident, I was injured and quite traumatised about it for a while. I let my “friends” know via our group, but only one of them messaged me directly to see if I was alright. They just went straight back to their stupid cat memes and self indulgence.

Conclusion was to get better friends. Is that possible for you to do?

Have you told them you’re in need of more emotional support? Of course if they were excellent friends you shouldn’t have to but I do think as people get older and wrapped up in their own daily lives they sometimes need prompting. If you give them the opportunity to offer more support you might find they step up. Of course if you have and they haven’t been responsive then perhaps its about finding better friends.

That's you.

If I were struggling and saw the family pet as a reason I was struggling then for the pets sake I'd consider rehoming. Especially if it were eg. A fish.
It was simply a suggestion, OP can take or leave it. No need for everyone to come at me.

Then maybe not think of pets as being disposable if you don’t want people coming at you! I doubt it was a fish unless it was a rare tropical one that needs special care and diet and daily massages. The OPs thread was not titled I can’t cope with my pet!

If you are struggling to look after a pet the best thing for the pet may be to rehome it.

No one massages a fish. But you have to clean their tanks.

Wow they are some incredible comments of support and advice here and a time where I need it. It's nice to get others points of view and questions, obviously when it's said in a nice manner.

Pets - yes I had 4 cats but had to upsettingly rehome 2 as ex refused to support pet bills or take them.

I am a positive person and don't want to overly complain or be negative Nancy with friends. At times I will let them know know I am depressed and finding life hard.

I am not jealous of. Friends being wealthy at all.

What I am stunned by is my expectation that friends would not simply send a message to check in- how are you? How are the kids? Or be invited out.

It's just a feeling I choose to express here for the advice of others.

Thank you all for giving me new insight

I'm feeling embarrassed for you, posting something so twisted and nasty.

It sounds like the friends possibly don’t even know that you consider them friends though OP. It seems like quite a fundamental mismatch of expectations. It would be good to understand how you know all this post-op support, birthday stuff etc is happening to see if that gives a bit more context that people can help with.

OP I've been in your situation (well. I still am). Reading your posts it says to me they're not great friends anyway.
I've learnt alot of lessons about who I can rely on in the last year and it turns out my (ex) best friend is not one of those people. Only ever got in touch when she wanted something, meanwhile I'm trying to keep two children emotionally intact as they watch their parents split up and everything that is associated with that.
Life is hard right now, you will come through this. Find some better friends xxx

How much contact did you have them when you were married, for example was it usual for you to go out with them on NYE or did you spend it with your DH?
I only ask as if they have always done things together whilst you did things with your DH it may not be coming from a place of deliberately being unsupportive, they are just carrying on as normal.
Is it that you now want their company because your circumstances have changed but theirs haven't?
I'm not saying this is the case but could well be a reason for the non invites